Just as He Rong was about to open his mouth, he swallowed his words when he met Gu Xiao's suffocating stares.
That stabbing glare with a glowering, cold demeanour, as though he was looking at someone equivalent to an ant, possibly even lower, brought a sense of suffocation into the atmosphere.
This stare that had such a genuine, chilling, foreboding quality, forced He Rong to avoid making eye contact.
It provoked a stir of complex disturbances to arise within him. He was used to receiving such a disdainful glare that it irked him.
He Rong placed his palm on Zhang Yongyin's shaking shoulder, tapping it a few times as he smiled, "Beijing isn't a bad place. I quite like it here."
No words rolled off from Zhang Yongyin's tongue, and he kept his eyes everywhere except for He Rong.
Each tap of his finger brought a shudder down his bones, and an unspeakable horror crawled up his arms, numbing his legs as all energy escaped through his feet.
Immediately, Gu Xiao yanked He Rong's arm away from him, ensuring a reasonable distance was created between them.
"Getting a little aggressive, are we?" He Rong scoffed.
"Why did you do it?" Gu Xiao asked.
He Rong narrowed his eyes in puzzlement. That familiar question of, 'Why did you do it?' was something he asked He Rong multiple times, yet he never received a proper answer.
"I always wondered what went through your mind. Is there anything else other than your shame and inferiority complex that motivates you to behave the way you do?" Gu Xiao asked.
The tension lingered between the three as Zhang Yongyin gaped at Gu Xiao's words. He Rong's pupils dilated and his brows knotted.
"There's a lot of questions I want to ask you, but you never seem to answer me honestly. I did a lot of thinking after that day we met. You called me a coward and I couldn't deny that I was a coward. I still am. I wonder why I am that way?" Gu Xiao pondered.
"There were times when I stepped up and faced my problems head on, but it always ended up badly. When I stepped up to you, you ridiculed me. You told me I was being delusional and made me feel stupid. When I didn't say anything and left quietly, you called me a coward. It was quite funny then, but now, it's starting to become tiring. What exactly did you expect from me?"
Upon closer examination of his surroundings, Gu Xiao noticed the same strange scent.
The smell of cigarettes coming from He Rong's face and clothes reached his nose.
Every time he breathed or spoke, the cigarette odour reeked even more as it constantly lingered around his body.
He Rong didn't respond immediately as Gu Xiao continued. "What did you feel when you found out my mother hung herself? What did you feel when you knew your father was beating my mother up every night? What did you feel when Wu Fei couldn't bear to live until tomorrow? What did you feel when we moved away? What exactly did you feel about me?"
Zhang Yongyin glanced at Gu Xiao and didn't dare say anything.
In fact, even though He Rong said he hadn't changed at all, that wasn't true.
They had all changed.
Sometimes, people felt like they were wandering blindly, chasing the direction of the falling leaves.
Soon, they remembered the times they turned the corner from the streets into the alley, ringing their rusty bike's bell. They were simply youths.
They were simply children who once basked in light and innocence. It was the time that they disregarded.
Their childhood was their treasure, but now it all seemed so far away. How did they end up here? The bell of that old bike could no longer be heard, because now, a new bell was calling out to them.
"You... Did you think I enjoyed it too?" He Rong asked.
Gu Xiao and Zhang Yongyin were relatively surprised by his tone, but they listened attentively. They hoped that tonight was the night that they would all finally let go of that rope they had been holding onto.
He Rong's bloodshot eyes trembled, and he kept digging his palms with his nails in agitation.
"Do you think I enjoyed living in that house with that monster of a father? Yes, you can say I'm shameful. I'm a jealous bastard who fed off people's misfortunes, but what else could I do?"
He Rong continued, "Did you think I didn't suffer as well? I also dreaded every day after Wu Fei died! Why do you two always look at me like I'm not even human? Even before that incident, did you ever care to think about what I felt?"
"Even though we were always together, I always felt like I... never existed. I never existed in anyone's lives at all. Not in this messed up family, and not with the people who I called my 'friends'. I didn't exist anywhere."
"Gu Xiao, I thought things would get better since I was able to see you the most, but it only made me feel even more lonely. You asked me about your mother? Did I ever ask your mother to marry my father? If she hadn't married him, then none of this would have happened!"
"Watch what you say!" Zhang Yongyin interjected and prepared to step forwards, but Gu Xiao stopped him.
"The only time I felt like I existed... the only time I felt like I was included in something, was when I held valuable information to others. Otherwise, I was nothing. I bet you didn't know, did you?"
"You were always surrounded by people that you didn't even need to bother trying to feel like you belong somewhere. If you, Zhang Yongyin, or Wu Fei, never spoke to me, I would simply be invisible at school, at home. Everywhere. Did you ever consider me to be as a part of your group?"
"How can you even ask that? Of course we did!" Zhang Yongyin responded. "Why else did you think we put through with all your shit?"
"No. You put through all of it because you were afraid that you will also be isolated by everyone. If they found out you also sided with him, they will avoid all of you too."
"Did you know how it felt to be ignored by all of you even before that accident? You never asked me to go anywhere with you, you barely invited me anywhere. Every time people spoke to me, it was always about you. 'Where is Gu Xiao?' 'Aren't you close to him?' Did you know how sick I was to always hear that?"
"Even though I was always with you, it felt like the distance between us was bound to remain that way. But even so... you would still treat me..." His voice trailed off, and he eventually stopped talking overall.
"Why did you not tell me? I could have just stopped talking to you," Gu Xiao responded.
Seeing how dreadful Gu Xiao appeared to be, all He Rong could do was scoff from disbelief.
"Were you not listening to me? If you stopped talking to me, then I would be a nobody. Do I need to say it again? The only way I knew I was existing was because of you!"
At once, He Rong shut his mouth in shame. To think he would say those words out loud never once came across him.
Actually, the parting was so long. No matter how hard any of them tried to stay the same, they couldn't avoid changing.
It was because their past selves had already been eaten, bit by bit, by the seagulls at the shore.
"Then, have you not been existing for the past two years?" Gu Xiao asked.
The reason Gu Xiao grew so aggravated was because he understood half of where He Rong was at. His mental instability. His desire to exist through human companionship.
"Alright, let's ignore that question. Then, what did you feel when you were using Lan Yuning and playing with his feelings?" Gu Xiao inquired.
"Lan Yuning?" Zhang Yongyin repeated, slightly puzzled.
A tinge of sourness filled He Rong's face. "Why do you care about him?"
How shameful must it have been for Gu Xiao to ask such a question. He was the one that was hurting Lan Yuning right now, yet he was directing his anger towards He Rong.
"I'm assuming you are staying in Beijing right now. It's near exams and school is still on, yet you are here dressed in casual clothing," Gu Xiao said and eyed him from his white shoes to his green jacket.
"I saw you during semester break and even now. This might come out as rude, but did you drop out?"
He Rong hesitated on speaking, but soon let out a nervous scoff.
"That's a bit offensive."
A stale odour made its way to Zhang Yongyin's nose, and he sniffed the air a couple of times to determine this acidic fragrance.
"Have you been smoking?" Zhang Yongyin asked.
"So what? Why do you care?"
He Rong picked on his nails that were already slightly ripped, and his shoes were extremely worn out, like he had been running in the same pair for months.
To see He Rong, someone who cared deeply about his physical appearance and constantly dressing himself in branded clothes, become so bedraggled, was strange.
His slightly dishevelled hair, faster talking pace, fidgeting of his fingers, Gu Xiao picked up on all these details.
After all, it was natural for him to examine every small detail of others to decipher their thoughts and situation. Yet, he never said anything even after figuring out what was happening.
"Hey, are you alright?" Zhang Yongyin asked, though that question made He Rong clench his fist even harder.
"I won't push you to the edge any further," Gu Xiao said. "But if you are still staying in Beijing and you are living near here, then let me tell you this. Stay away from Lan Yuning."
"What?" He Rong muttered. "Why do you keep mentioning him?"
"If you go near him, if you ever hurt him, if you ever do whatever you did in the past to him, then I..." Gu Xiao looked around before pointing at Zhang Yongyin with his thumb. "I will send Zhang Yongyin after you."
"What? Me?" Zhang Yongyin baffled.
He Rong was too confused to even respond to these words. A sigh left Gu Xiao's mouth, and he walked towards He Rong. What came after this ached He Rong's stomach.
The corner of Gu Xiao's lips lifted, forming a vague smile.
"But... I will try to not make the same mistake in the future. I'm sorry for not noticing your struggles, but I've tried my best, and this is all I can do. I'm not some superhero, or some holy saviour. I know you hate me and what I'm saying probably sickens you, but there were times when it was fun. Hanging out with you, that is."
Gu Xiao walked past He Rong and to the hydrangeas where he planted two years ago. Perhaps He Rong left quietly, but the atmosphere was heavy.
It weighed them down as though the clouds were all huddled together, lying on their backs until their feet dug themselves into the ground.
Until they could no longer walk. Until they could no longer breathe.
Yet, within these clouds, they heard the ringing of a bike bell, and those who were once lost started facing towards the direction of the bell.
The seagull that was trapped under the rock had now freed itself. It flapped its wings, slowly and steadily. The little bird believed it could fly and soared into the sky.
No matter how damaged its wings were, the bird flew further and further away, and it eventually returned to where it belonged.
With everyone else.
To their home.