A few days later, our mother collapsed while I was at school.
She always had a weak body, but I never knew what her condition was—something to do with a weak heart.
That was what they told me.
I found out when I was at school, but our mother's husband said she was doing alright. So, I stayed at school.
Our stepbrother was the same age as me. I remember once our stepbrother took one of Gu Heiyu's cameras for a project, and she got furious over it.
She hated our stepbrother.
Compared to me, who didn't get involved as much with our stepbrother, the hate Gu Heiyu felt for him was immeasurable, like this budding rage that could only grow larger and never deflate.
When Gu Heiyu got mad at our stepbrother, our mother's husband strangled her.
I only realised after she came home that Gu Heiyu's neck was covered in these peculiar red handprints. Finger marks.
I don't remember what I was thinking, but Gu Heiyu was crying.
Her eyes reeked of even more disgust for our mother's new family. It appeared that she had something to say, but she stayed silent and locked herself in her room.
Wu Fei hadn't been showing up at school lately. But he finally showed up after three days.
His skin looked paler, and he was thinner than before, but I didn't say anything.
It had been four months since this started, and it was still going. On and on. Growing even worse as days pass.
I tried to talk to him like usual, but the words he said to me surprised me.
He pushed me away. Hot tears welled into his eyes, and his heavy breath pounded with frustration. That was when I realised:
I had done something wrong.
There was more to the conversation, but there were these words that remained with me.
He said to me: "Are you trying to help me? Do you know how suffocating it is to have you pretend you worry about me? You once told me you saw me as a friend? Right? Please... just stop. You don't need to keep up with this act."
"Act?"
"Pretending that you understand when you do not at all. I know you look at me with disdain and pity. Every moment that passes, I hate it more and more, knowing that you are still trying to keep up with this act of yours because you are aware of the feelings I had for you. I look like someone who has fallen so far, don't I? If you think your words and gestures would help me, you should get rid of that ego of yours. It's so frustrating! I take your actions as mockery."
Throughout the entire conversation, Wu Fei's gaze wandered everywhere, especially to the floor.
"I don't know why I liked you. And I hate that I probably still do. You never once looked at the same level as me, looked through the world in my eyes, so you would never understand. Mock me. Mock me all you want," Wu Fei said with a smile, though tears were still pouring from the depths of his heart and escaping from the corner of his eyes.
"Mock you? What do you mean?"
"Do I look that pathetic to you that you don't even take me seriously anymore? I know you purposely fumbled that exam just so you could 'help' me."
"Do you know how humiliating that feels? But that's not the only reason I feel so dreadful every time I see you. Do you think you can save me? Save me then. Save me from my problems. My mother. Yes, save me from my mother. Save me from this school. Save me from everyone. Save me from He Rong and everyone else around him. Yes, and you!
"I guess you wouldn't know, that even before these rumours happened, that people were already looking at me with those same eyes and speaking the same words. Did you know that? Did you? No, of course you didn't. You say you are my friend? My friend? Only now you come and pretend you care because the rumours have grown out of hand, so you can show off your skills as a nice person by defending me."
"Why did I even like you? Why did I even write about all of those horrid feelings? Was this what you wanted? And it was all because of you. Even my own mother... Maybe you should just take my place as her son instead."
He smiled solemnly. "After all, you are a normal person who is her ideal son."
My mind blanked out, but I found it unfair that he was placing this judgement on me when I honestly didn't even know about anything.
"Alright. If you want me to stop, then I will stop."
There was nothing I could do. If he was frustrated with me to this extent, then what else could I do? I just needed to not stay in his line of sight or get in his way.
I remember his mouth gaping in shock and rage at my words, and all I said was that phrase.
"This is exactly why... What a skill you have. To be so smart yet so oblivious. Sometimes, I feel like you are truly out of this world. I am really jealous of you. To be admired and loved by many, to be in everybody's conversations, while I was always living under your shadows. Yet, I was your friend... Why? After getting rid of my delusions, I realised something. I simply existed just to feed your superiority complex. You never once took me seriously."
I didn't know what to say, but I was frustrated at him for being frustrated with me. All these things he was accusing me of, I didn't know about them at all.
Mocking him.
My ego.
My superiority complex.
Being loved by all.
Since when did I ever look down on him? I understood the words of his jealousy because it was normal for people to feel jealous. But when did I ever use him to feed my non-existent superiority complex? What was there to feed when there was nothing there in the first place?
Why did he make me seem like someone who was living such a lavish life? And regarding the situation with him receiving first for the exam, it really wasn't on purpose at all.
All I said was: "I am sorry."
When he heard those words, his face fumed in all shades of red as though he had more words to say, but he didn't speak.
We didn't speak a single word and just walked past each other. He was drifting further and further away, and his throat could no longer speak.
He was like a firefly emitting a dim light, trapped within a jar. Only after the firefly spread its wings to fly away, floating past the darkened path, did the wind blow it in a different direction. After the firefly disappeared, I reached out my hand, but there was nothing there anymore.
All I knew after that conversation was that...
Ah, I had done something wrong again.
He Rong was still behaving the same. He sometimes still tried to talk to me, but I was only left with confusion every time I saw his face.
I couldn't say anything to him. Because I was just too speechless. Was everything my fault? Was the reason for his misery my fault? My existence was the reason for his misery? If that was so, then what could I do? He wanted me to do nothing, but he also wanted me to do something.
People continued talking and talking about Wu Fei, including He Rong. Wu Fei would no longer bat an eye at me, and he would immediately scurry away the moment he saw me. How long had he hated me for? It must have been for a long time for him to say all of that.
I was just confused at myself.
Wu Fei disappeared again for a week this time. I went to his house to return something, and it took me quite a long time to think if I should visit or not. But I planned on just dropping it off at his front door.
His mother saw me and said he was with his friends studying. I knew that was a lie. It was hopeless, so I went home.
The next time I saw Wu Fei was when his body was on the ground.