03.09.XXX2
Gu Xiao isn't coming out of his room again. He has been studying a lot more recently and would sometimes come out to drink water, but it has been a long time since I've seen his face. Do all children with divorced parents live like this? Constantly moving between houses, I hate living with our mother and father. Even separately, it's so tiring. I can't wait to move out and live by myself.
04.09.XXX2
I hate our stepbrother. But I can't say anything because mum loves him.
Does she love them? Her new family. No, she feels obligated to love them.
She keeps telling me to get along with our stepbrother, but how can I when he pisses me off the moment he enters my line of vision? She told Gu Xiao and me to accept that man as our new father, but how can I? He is disgusting.
Sleeping in the same house as that man is disgusting. Breathing in the same air as that man is gross. His son is disgusting. I hate it all. We are going to live with dad for the weekends.
25.10.XXX2
Gu Xiao made me a birthday cake. I wanted the strawberry cake from the bakery down the road, but he said it was too expensive. I got mad at him and complained a lot, but there's nothing I can do about it.
When I grow up, I will earn a lot of money to buy anything I want. Our mother and father are busy, so they didn't have much time for our birthdays in general, so as always, I spent this year with just my friends and Gu Xiao.
Gu Xiao made the cake, but he pretended he had bought it from the bakery. Did he think I was stupid? He even tried wrapping it the same way with the pink ribbon.
It tasted so strange. There was too much cream. The sponge was too hard. He even had his fingers all cut up because he tried to slice the strawberries and place them in the shape of a rose. But they didn't even look like a rose. They just looked like cylinders. He was good at everything except cooking.
The cake was so sweet that I thought I was going to die. Even these noodles he made for breakfast this morning were so salty. Don't you just need to use the pre-prepared seasoning? He doesn't even wash the dishes right after he uses them. And every time he uses the microwave to heat up rice, there are always somehow five dirty pans in the sink.
When I tell him about it, it's like he has forgotten completely. It's like his mind is always elsewhere, and when people talk to him, he makes eye contact with them, but his consciousness is not actually there.
It's like he's always lost somewhere.
28.10.XXX2
That man was strangling mum again. Even though the weather is so hot, she has to cover herself up. She told me to not tell Gu Xiao ever, so I didn't. I wonder if Gu Xiao already knew, and he just didn't say anything? No, he is the type that wouldn't be able to hide it if he found out that mum was getting beaten up by that man.
01.11.XXX2
Gu Xiao is crying again. I can hear it through the walls.
02.11.XXX2
He woke up looking perfectly fine. He's beaming with energy like always and is joking around.
03.01.XXX3
I haven't written in here for a long time, but we are currently staying at dad's place. I'm scared. Is Gu Xiao going to die? He won't die, right? He's in the hospital right now. I don't know what to do.
There were people in black suits. They were looking for dad, but only Gu Xiao and I were at home. I don't know what happened, but Gu Xiao kept telling me to go back to my room. And before I knew it, I heard loud thuds. It kept on going and going, and something smashed. It was a glass vase.
I didn't know what to do except stay silent and locked in my room because Gu Xiao told me to never come out. The thuds stopped after a while, so I went out, and Gu Xiao was lying on the floor with blood everywhere.
Dad is still at work. I'm in the hospital waiting room. What if he broke a bone? His exams are near, and I know he's going to go straight back to studying. Can't he just stop studying for once? It's not like he will die if he takes a break.
Our mother came to visit Gu Xiao. She was wearing a lot of layers of clothing again. Her visit only lasted a couple of minutes because she had to go back to work.
In the end, I just sat in the waiting room. Who can I blame? Who made our lives so miserable? If mother hadn't given birth to us, all of this wouldn't have happened. I don't know anymore.
Our stepbrother came to see Gu Xiao. Gu Xiao was smiling again. I don't understand how he was so patient with our stepbrother.
He is the same age and go to the same school. I wonder how awkward that would be. It doesn't matter, because I hate him. I still hate them all. How can Gu Xiao tolerate him?
We are only three days into the new year, and I already know this year will be dreadful.
19.07.XXX3
Gu Xiao is becoming more listless. He looks more and more tired as days pass. His dark circles are getting worse, and sometimes, I still hear him crying. Did he know the walls were thin? I don't know what's happening to him, but I don't want to ask.
02.09.XXX3
Someone jumped off a building. I didn't see who it was. Maybe I'm imagining things? I went to pick up my piano sheets from the music room because I had a concert at Gu Xiao's school, but everyone had already gone home.
The sky was so dark already, but I'm sure I saw someone fall off the building. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. Maybe it was a bird? No, they clearly had a human silhouette. Should I go back to check? Am I going crazy?
Am I seeing things? Gu Xiao is in cram school right now. The truth is, I don't know what Gu Xiao is anymore. To be exact, I don't know who it is that Gu Xiao is trying to become.
The seagulls are squawking loudly like they are mourning for someone.
03.09.XXX3
They both passed away.
After reading a couple of entries, Gu Heiyu wanted to bury her head under her pillow in shame.
She was whining so much two to three years ago and maybe even exaggerated some parts, but it was so hard to read her old diary without having chills constantly crawl up her skin.
When she flipped through the rest of the pages, a folded letter fell out, and she picked it up. Gu Heiyu was the type to always record her day and make physically appealing journals.
So, she knew this letter was probably another cheesy documentation. She unfolded the paper and skimmed through it, only to be surprised by how recent this one was.
XXX4
It's been a few months since we moved to Beijing and Gu Xiao looks like he's doing much better, but I know he is still blaming himself for what happened.
When our parents divorced.
When both mum and his friend disappeared before him.
When we had to move once again with our dad to Beijing.
When he received countless phone calls from his new school after he moved.
When everyone constantly expressed their disappointment with his behaviour.
There was much more, but it would take too long if I was to list everything.
Gu Xiao constantly blamed himself for everything:
"If only I didn't go to school that day and stayed with mum."
"If only I did something to ease his misery, he wouldn't have headed to the top of that building."
"If only I tried harder to help both of them."
"If only I tried to speak up instead of staying silent."
When I didn't wake him up for school, I think a part of me wanted him to sleep more. I don't know if that's what he needed since he never said anything. I assumed that was why he slept a lot in class and always slept in.
He was tired.
He knew he was tired himself, but what he was afraid of was having fingers pointed at him.
This was the strange part. He would direct all fingers and blame towards him to help others, but he would also be afraid of the judgement.
I can't help much, but I hope Gu Xiao is aware that there are so many people who would be devastated if he was to fall back into a place beyond reach.
Sometimes, I feel like he will just leave without saying anything like his friend or mum.
Although he expresses himself sometimes, he always stops halfway—afraid of saying any more—and then he will swallow it back down and bury it once again. Because he fears hurting those around him with his "trivial" emotions.
Once he utters out the first word of his most profound feelings, he realises how absurd they sound, so he stops and doesn't say anything more.
The fact that after everything that happened, and he was forced back into the world, he still tried to live up to their expectations.
After all, he was afraid that he would really fall into an endless place if he didn't. But I knew his mind couldn't take it anymore. Yet, he still tried.
All those awards from school, those trophies from sports events, those medals from academic competitions, those certificates from community services, all of those that he hid in a small box.
I remember that day when he threw them out.
As much as those medals once defined him, all they did was strangle him, since he saw them as a reminder. The expectations placed on him at school. The expectations of others. He had to carry it all, even though he didn't need to.
Even with all those achievements, his teachers and even classmates pitied him. They invalidated his hard work and simply linked it to because he came from a broken and poor family, so that was why he was trying so hard in school.
Then, he said to himself: "I am not the same anymore. Why did I turn out like this?"