Sephora
December 31, 2018
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I feel blown away by everything I have right now. Wanted to scream, but couldn't. I want to cry but can't do it now. The fulcrum that I've been trying to build as hard as I can -stay on the edge, just one touch with my fingers without any strength will surely collapse. And I must have fallen, to the bottom of the abyss, or maybe the bottom of the endless sea.
Why must all this happen because of me?
"It's not because of you, Ra. It's the way of destiny. Don't give up under circumstances, don't violate fate," said Mika while kneeling in front of me. "There is me."
I nodded again when I heard Mika's words. Even though I've had several injections of encouragement from him, this time, it's not working in me. He held my hand tightly, I did the same. He smiled at me, but I couldn't reply. I turned my gaze aside to Mika. He clearly understood my situation without me having to explain.
"Are you sure? Want to attend the session?" Mika asked again reassuring me dozens of times.
I nodded.
"Mika, can you leave me alone, for a few minutes?"
He sighed. "No. I don't want that for that."
I didn't rebel, because I already knew exactly what the answer was. He wouldn't let me be alone in this state. Instead of being grateful, I want to be alone and spill all the complaints that I feel. The past eleven months have been frustrating for me to accept the fact, which had never existed before in the imagination of my life, that reality would turn out like this.
Always being someone without a significant burden of thought for twenty-four years is actually enough to make me weak - helpless, when feeling problems like today. Like living but dying, when the whole world was shattered because it was centered in the mistakes I made. Which actually without realizing it, I did.
"Honey, if you're not strong and feel like spilling everything, that's natural. You don't have to be afraid to cry in front of me," Mika opened conversation again, worried because now my hands were shaking.
"I've never cried in front of you. Because all this time you always distract me from feeling sad. But Mika, this feels heavy. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just.. for some reason I can't accept all of this," It's been dozens of times I think I explained this to Mika. The words that come out of my mouth are always that, not what my heart wants to say.
"I see. However, I also understand that you can't take this anymore. As long as I'm around, you can't hurt yourself when you're crying. I can take care of you."
Mika is like this. Always never stop persuading until I give up.
I finally nodded. "I promise, but not for now. We'd better get going before the session begin."
I saw Mika let out an exasperated breath. He finally relented with the situation, because in one hour the session that we were going to attend began.
I left my room to get ready to leave. Likewise, with Mika, he chose to turn towards the garage where he parked his car.
During the trip, I chose not to speak. And I'm lucky Mika understands it and doesn't care when I keep my mouth shut for that long. There are just so many unanswered questions in my mind. These thoughts have been raining down on me for the past eleven months. The situation suddenly changed. The plane that was flying high in the sky suddenly fell uncontrollably to the ground, hitting it so hard that it left a very deep mark. That's how I would describe the story of my life today.
I should have realized why Mom never liked me!
Dad should have told me the truth a long time ago!
It's already happened!
The divorce hearing will last forty minutes.
×××××
February 2, 2018
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I parked my car in the garage, which was already lit by a very bright yard light. Maybe I'll tell Dad that the lamp he'd just replaced a few months was dazzling even from a good distance away. Not helpful, rather annoying, especially for some drivers like me.
I heard the sound of people arguing at length from inside the house when I was closing the rolling door of the garage. Surely this time Lala was arguing with Dad again about spending the budget to enlarge the restaurant area. But, if they argue about that I'm scared because right now the volume of the sound they use is so loud that it can be heard outside the house. What's going on? And myself was made curious and spread the steps for go into the house.
"I told you then. Don't pick her up!!"
Mom?
Mom and Dad fighting?
I entered the side door of the house which directly connected the living room to the garage on the ground floor. As soon as I could find the source of the sound and approached him. Mom and Dad fought on the second floor.
"He's a entrusted, Tyra! He's trustworthy. You shouldn't call him that I picked her up!" Dad shouted in Mom's face while pointing at it.
"Trust? The trust you say?! The trust from your bitch friend?! Could it be that she is indeed your child and hers!"
I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed in front of me. Dad slapped Mom.
"Dad, stop!" I quickly ran towards them before Dad really couldn't control his anger.
They looked surprised to know that I saw them fighting. After that, Dad's face got more and more wrong and guilty, while Mom looked even more annoyed and scornful when she saw me approaching her.
"What are you doing?" I gave Dad a surprised look. And Dad didn't answer. He just rubbed his face roughly and slightly away from our position.
I turned to my Mom. The corners of my eyes are already in tears. "What's wrong, Mom? What's wrong with you?"
Not answering my question, Mom turned her gaze to Dad. "Your child is in front of you. You will convey it, right? Or our relationship has ended here."
I'm confused about what they just said. I didn't dare look at my Dad, nor did my Mom. I was very curious as to what Dad would admit, but I couldn't bear to look at the two of them. All I can see now is the floor.
"Adrian?"
This is the first time I heard Mom calling Dad by his name.
"If you don't just tell her, just let me," said Mom with a defiant face. The pain of being slapped didn't seem to have any effect on her.
Dad still kept his mouth shut. He turned his back on us, did not change his position. He even ruffled his hair in frustration. I started crying and sobbing, unable to contain my confusion and curiosity what was all this about?
"Sephora," Mom called my full name. "You are not our biological child."
"Tyra!" Dad snapped back at Mom.
Like a flash of lightning. I was surprised by what you just said. I? Not their child? I'm not a Dad and Mom's child?
Then?
How?
I cried uncontrollably at that time too. Can't hold back my tears, can't hold back my voice. My crying was quite hysterical so that it made Mom and Dad go silent again watching me pull my hair. Trying to get rid of a bad dream, which in reality is not a dream. I screamed, constantly asking to wake up from a real dream.
My birthday is coming soon. I try to control my emotions by entertaining myself. This is just a joke. Still screaming, I'm sure Mom and Dad were playing a trick to trap me, when I was already crying, Lala and Mika should have come out of hiding and brought a birthday cake while singing. Where are Lala and Mika? They didn't come out even though I had been screaming for more than two minutes. Or maybe there are other tricks? Geez, they should have managed to trick me this time.
I tried to muster up the courage to look back at Mom and Dad. Their charade isn't over yet? Why are they still in the same position?
This is real, Sephora!
"No, no!" I screamed and cried again. "You all lied, right? Tell me you all tricked me!"
"Mom?" I heard Lala's hoarse voice from behind me calling and approaching Mom.
"This is all true as it is, Sephora. You are not our biological child," Mom said further emphasizing the situation. "You are not my biological child. I don't know if it's with Adrian."
I stopped crying when I heard Mom's words that offended Dad. So, I'm the daughter of Dad and another girl? I looked at my father who was now looking at me. I asked in our eyes. But, Dad answered with a shake of his head no.
So what?
"Mom, what's wrong?" asked Lala who was now crying too.
"Lala, my dear. You have to get out of here."
"No, Mom, you can't go. What's wrong? Mom, don't go," Lala tried to hold Mom with her sobs that were getting louder.
It was raining heavily over our family, as well as a thunderstorm.
I heard Mom walking away from the place. Followed by Lala who continues to try to prevent Mom from leaving the house. Father was still in his position, confused, distraught. And, I keep pulling my hair. I felt dizzy hit me hard. My brain was screaming all my nerves tensed, my body was shaking violently.
This is how it feels when you accept the fact that I'm not the child of the beautiful family?
Even though Mom was never friendly to me, Dad and Lala treated me like a child and a very precious sister to them. I received jokes and laughter from two people, even though someone in the house never liked me. But, I'm okay. I was still taught to love Mom, to love someone who gave birth to me into the world. But not! Turns out it wasn't Mom who gave birth to me into the world. Now I don't know who my real mother is. And, who is my real father? If it turns out that my father said that I am also not his biological daughter.
I've imagined all of this. Imagine, what would happen if there was a possibility that I was not the child of Dad and Mom? Not the child of a family that has been living my whole life for a long time? But, oh my God, I don't want that dream to come true like this! Help! Take this nightmare of mine. Get rid of it, I beg anyone, anything!
Mika, I need you now. Wherever you are. Are you still hiding with the birthday cake you're holding there? Haha.
Not funny at all. I know. But, Mika came.
Now my brain is messing me up. Because my vision is getting darker and darker.
×××××
February 7, 2018
°°°°°
Five days ago from that incident...
Mika suddenly grabbed my hand. I glanced at him who was right next to me.
"Don't keep daydreaming. You just got home from the hospital, you should be happy, please," said Mika trying to cheer me up. I smiled, then nodded.
Mika came that night. Twenty minutes right after Dad told Mika that I was unconscious.
Dad handed me to Mika. I know you need time for all of this. The doctor told me that I had acute anemia. Very funny, I should have served the patient the next day, but instead, I became the patient. Luckily Claudia was able to replace me on guard at the hospital and replace me for the patient's surgery schedule. This incident was completely unexpected.
In these five days, Dad only visited me on the second day. Only Mika has accompanied me all this time. I kept forcing Mika to work instead of looking after me all day, but she still insisted on taking time off. Also, I didn't see Lala's presence at all, let alone Mother.
And this time, I wasn't ready to see them. Which, perhaps, was waiting for me at home. Although actually, I hope that there is no one waiting for me.
"Mika,"
He immediately faced me for two seconds, then turned his gaze back to the road ahead.
"You often come home this week, right?"
Mika didn't answer me right away, he looked thoughtful. "Yes, why?"
"May I fill your apartment for the next few days?" I'm sure now my voice is shrinking because I'm afraid Mika will reject it.
He again did not respond to me directly. But, he seems to understand my situation. He tightened his grip on my hand. I saw that he was a little confused when he answered my question. "You don't want to meet people at home anymore?"
I nodded.
Silence for a few seconds. I waited for his response with my heart beating quite wildly.
"If you come with me to my house, how about it? If I go to work, at least Mama and Alyssa can take care of you," Mika answered instead of offering another option.
I appreciate Mika's offer. However, it feels like apart from not wanting to see my family, I also feel like being alone, calming my mind and soul without anyone's distraction.
"No. I don't want to bother and ruin your family. Just let me stay in your apartment, okay?"
This time, I beg you, Mika, don't refuse.
He smiled and nodded at me. "Then I'll come with you to live in my apartment."
This time I sighed. Always, Mika really wouldn't leave me alone, especially in this situation. It's not that I don't like Mika who cares about me, but I think Mika is a little too much. Mika can't let go of me in this condition because it's my nature to always hurt myself when I'm crying, and that was witnessed by Mika herself. It's been my habit since childhood, I don't know what made me do it but it was as if my subconscious told me to. My dad had persuaded me to go to a psychiatrist for therapy and I haven't said yes, but it seems I have to try this time. Instead of bothering a lot of people, I'd better fix it myself.
I can only nod. I dare not refuse because it is not good. After all, the apartment is still his.
For the rest, we spent the trip without a conversation until we arrived at the building where Mika's apartment was located. Along the way through the building to his apartment, I was led by Mika, who was again having a hard time because I had to bring my suitcase of equipment too. I really can't bear it, but this time I'm helpless, so what can I do?
We stopped right at the front of an apartment door numbered 1024. Mika opened it with a card.
"Mika," I stopped the steps that were about to enter the room. He turned. "I think I'll follow Dad's advice to see a psychiatrist. After a while, I'm tired of that attitude."
He smiled happily. Because Mika agreed to it from the start.
"Then, tomorrow I will deliver. I will accompany you until you recover," said Mika. "You'd better rest today. Incidentally, there are ingredients for making carbonara here."
I smiled happily and enthusiastically went inside.
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