It started with sweating. His body was supposed to be dead but still when it came to his hunger he felt like he was awfully alive. Alive and in the brim of death. That was the worst feeling. That sensation of losing everything, even yourself to something you can't control, something that you hate. He blinked and got up the stairs of the subway almost stumbling at every step. John was walking right behind him, ready to catch him. Somehow he seemed even paler, his eyes a bloodshot red and Kai kept looking down. He was aware that the moment he met eyes with a human it was over.
«Boss, are you okay?» the young man asked him when they reached the outside. Kai breathed in, avoiding his worried gaze. «Maybe you're getting sick. We should call a cab and get you home»
«No!» Kai exclaimed. There were many reasons for his negative answer. He couldn't control himself for that long. If he got into that cab he would have killed the driver before the end of the ride. With Vampires sadly it wasn't like the books, he couldn't just gently bite his neck and leave him unconscious. He would kill them. If he grabbed them in that state he would simply destroy them. «I'm fine. I am perfectly fine.» he huffed but John obviously did not believe him. His other reason was that he really didn't have much time. The clue he gave Lun was actually a very good one. He was sure they were planning to kill the wolves but he had to, he had to find Philip and find out what he was talking about. He wouldn't get seen, he would simply act like a ghost of the past, forgotten and lost just to get a glimpse of him and make sure that everything was alright. He simply wished for that and then he would have to find a way and stop Lun.
The time seemed to pass by so slowly and his mind began to get hazy. He walked away from John leaving him wide eyed in the middle of the street and hid himself in one of the many alleys. Of course he followed him and of course the vampire had a way to escape him. He could run and he could climb. He heard John call out his name, wanting to make sure that everything was alright but he couldn't speak. All he could do right now was think of one thing, blood.
The sun didn't easily hit the alleys, the tall buildings acted as a perfect cover up for many things even under the daylight. Drug trafficking, thieves and many more lingered in the shadows of the big city. Kai knew that and as he walked into one of them he called out his nasty fate. He would end up killing someone today, at least he could do something good and kill someone bad. If that would reduce his sin. He decided to lie to himself and walked further into the darkness.
«Give me all your money and I will let you live» he heard someone say and felt the sharp tip of a knife at his back. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to. Even if he did get stabbed it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't even hurt. All the man could do was scream. Kai was too fast for the human eye. He didn't even realize when he was facing the vampire. All he felt were the cold fangs diving into his skin. His blood getting drained together with his life. Bit by bit, drop by drop he was dying and Kai's hunger was subsiding.
After a while, there was nothing left. Just a shell, a lifeless body that fell heavy into his arms. He didn't look at his face, he couldn't as guilt started to devour him. He let go of his body, landing on the floor like a sack and for a second, as he looked at the dead, thrown there disrespectfully, dived into the dirt his stomach began to hurt.
He turned around, tears gathering in his blue eyes and covered his mouth. It was damp, painted red and he felt the wetness of the blood transfer to his fingers. He looked at it, bloodstained and trembling.
«Monster.» he mumbled. He had called himself that plenty of times, again and again as a punishment. He hated this, he hated who he was and the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. How he wished someone would simply kill him but every time, every attempt had failed. Vampires had strong survival instincts and no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many drugs he took to numb himself it was impossible to take his own life. «I do deserve to suffer after all, I always did» he said. He raised his sleeve and wiped his mouth on his arm, not wanting to get his shirt dirty.
He began walking, his head turned to the ground, staring at the mold and the cigarettes. If he died right there, who would even care? He definitely wouldn't, he thought when the sound of footsteps rushing was heard.
«Boss!» John shouted. He was panting, his face painted a flushed pink. «Finally, I was so worried. Are you alright?» he asked him and scanned him with his eyes.
«Yes.» he said, his voice coming out like a whisper.
«I'm glad.»
«Don't be»
«What?»
«Don't be glad that I'm fine. I don't deserve to be fine.»
«What are you talking about?» John asked him, raising his tone just a tiny bit. He was feeling anxious. He had never seen Kai like this. He seemed lost, beaten up and sad. It was overwhelming, seeing a person who always stood so proud simply look like a mess in just a few seconds.
Kai raised his head and stared at him, a faint smile appearing on his face as he patted his shoulder with his wide palm.
«You're a good kid.» he complimented him and John's eyes widened
«You're good too.» John stated.
«Oh, I wish I was.»
«Why are you saying that? You literally picked me up from the streets. I know that and you know too. I didn't need to become your apprentice, I needed a place so I wouldn't end up homeless. You helped me, you pay more than what I work for and you are never mean to me. So why are you degrading yourself like that? Boss, I really do admire you. Even if you're a mystery I can see that you have kindness in you. From the way you sketch and how you treat your clients. You are always so nice so why? It actually makes me sad to hear this» John told him.
The truth was Kai was not expecting such a reply. Lun had told him he wasn't a monster many times, Philip too but since a long time ago no one had bothered with him. He blinked a few times, his palm that rested on John's shoulder, squeezing him slightly and he smiled, shaking his head.
«Thank you.» he said and the young man blushed, scratching the back of his head slightly embarrassed.
«It's nothing. Let's go now. We have a mission!» John exclaimed and walked in front of him.
Kai followed him feeling slightly relieved. He knew he wasn't going to stop being a monster. He was sure he was going to have nightmares with the face of the man he killed tonight and the day after and the day after that until he would simply not be able to stand it. But now, at this moment he felt just a bit happy hearing someone tell him that they saw something good in him. Even if they didn't know the whole story, even if they had no idea of what was happening when the sun set he liked it. He chose to delude himself once more and ignore his previous sin, just this once with the thought of seeing Philip, finding out about him he allowed himself to forget. He had been tortured for years with no break but John's words were a bit of a relief. Maybe, just maybe there would be one day salvation for him too? He wondered for a second and a bitter smile appeared on his face as he exposed himself once again to the raging city.
Never. He answered his own question.
...
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