"Destiny. What is it? Abang, can you help me?" Adrian asked Syah for his assistance. Abang means big brother in Malay. A quick shower and breakfast after his run, Syah was getting ready for his University. "Perhaps it's God's will, or something like fate. Why are you asking me?"
"It's for my homework. Come on, don't some people think it's fake?" Adrian scratched his head with his pen with his eyes glued to the paper in front of him. Syah tugged at his shoelaces, and stood up, pondering about destiny as well, "All I know is, you should have done your homework last night and not on the day it's due. I'm leaving now." He stood up and gave Salam to his brother before making his way to the lift.
"Syah wait up!" An exclamation from the house. "Don't you want a lift to your uni? It's your first day, let me give you a ride."
"Daddy, I don't want to trouble you. It's not even on the way to your workplace," Syah's father came out the house in his work uniform, an engineer's uniform, and lightly punches him on his shoulders, "Ah it's okay! How can a father not be there on his son's first day to school?" He pressed the button on the lift and gave Syah a side glance, a proud smile.
"Okay then," knowing his father's character, he would probably insist to no end. To save the both of them some trouble, he agreed to the offer. "Thanks."
The journey from the 19th floor to the 1st wasn't long, but it felt unbearable for Syah. It's not as if he and his father weren't close, they were, as close as a family could get. But nothing more than that. No trust beyond family. No love beyond family. Why should he? Just because he was born and raised in his family? Just because he was fed and given education in his family? After all, even family stab each other in their backs, so who's to say his family wouldn't? As much as he tries to show that he loves them and cares for them, as much as he wants to trust them, deep down, he couldn't. He wouldn't. Not after what happened back then. The incident that broke his heart and crushed his trust in others. He no longer had hope. Because as far as he's concerned, hope begets disappointment. Hope was a part of Pandora's Box. A box full of evil. Hope was evil.
They stepped out of the lift and got onto his father's work lorry. Luckily, his father's job was kind enough to provide him with a vehicle, even if it wasn't a luxurious car, it was enough to get by, and it was enough for the family. Syah grabbed a handle and hoisted himself in, settling down and looking out the window. His father started then engine and together, they moved off to the University.
A 15 minute ride. If Syah were to take public transport, it would have taken him almost an hour. At least he didn't have to lug around his bag. As he pondered on, the tunes in the lorry gradually died down, and his father asked him, "Are you excited?"
A simple question, but enough to make Syah question his emotions. He doesn't feel anything. He hummed for a bit and replied, "A little bit, I guess." A white lie. To spare himself the trouble of explaining that he isn't excited. And that he doesn't feel anything at all. Except with Dina. "It's not like it's my first time at school. I've been to school. Except its university now instead of secondary school."
"Ha! Fair enough. I hope you enjoy your first day. Make some friends. And if you need any help, you can call me or your mother," fingers drumming on the steering wheel as he tries to reassure his son.
"Thanks but this isn't primary school. I think I know what to expect and how to deal with it," a dry laugh followed the statement, signifying that it was a joke and he didn't mean any ill will towards his father with it. "If you say so."
The rest of the drive was quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Just the scenery flying past him. The colours of the world blurred to form a mish-mash of colours of green, grey, and a tinge of black. Coming and going into focus, the flow dictated by the traffic in front of him. Just like that, 10 minutes had passed and the lorry slowed down to a stop as they had arrived at Syah's place of learning. University.
"Have fun!" Syah's dad extended his hand towards him with a smile. Syah looked at it, for a few long seconds before grabbing it in his and putting his nose and forehead on his father's hand, gave his Salam, and got out of the lorry and his father drove off.
Syah slowly walked towards the university. Looking down on the ground, he made his way onwards, step by step, until someone bumped into him from behind. A quick apology before the culprit left. But that was enough to make Syah aware of his surrounding. Was there this many students coming in and out of the university? He felt suffocated. No room to breathe. Syah looked around, trying to find a safe area. His eyes settled on a nearby sheltered bench, as he made his way over. With every step he made, his breathing got faster. Shallower. The edges around his sight started to grey out. The sun prickling against his neck. Sweat dripping off of his forehead, cheeks and neck. He felt sticky. Lethargic. He was gonna vomit. He knew if he did, his condition would get worse. If he vomited, he couldn't breathe. He'd black out. He can't. Not on his first day. He held in the urge to puke right there and then and barged his way towards the seat.
He's there! Now what? Syah's mind racked on as he started to hyperventilate. His mind couldn't focus on one thing. Are people looking at me right now? Are they judging? Why'd my attack happen today? The sight of his university started to narrow. His breathing shallow. His heart palpitating. Too fast. He groaned as he sat on his butt, knees to his chest, cradling himself like a baby, rocking back and forth. Slowly, he counted the seconds. One second. Five. Ten. A minute. Pitch black. That's what he could see for the whole minute. It's no surprise, as he had his eyes tightly shut. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Colours started swimming around his vision. Just like the scenery in the lorry, his vision slowly went back between focusing and blurring until he managed to slowly identify the building in front of him. It wasn't that big. In fact, there was almost nobody near him. Just a few passerby's with a concerned look.
A long, slow breath of relief. A dry chuckle. "Off all the days, it had to be today," he mumbled to himself. Syah slowly stood up, brushed his shirt and pants, before heading off to class. "What a way to start the day Syah.