The way he looked made my heart skip beats. I couldn't help but blush, but I will always hide the fact behind a book or anything I had on hand. Why do these conflicting feelings have to come up? I wasn't raised like this! This is completely wrong, but still I couldn't help it. My body wouldn't stop reacting to the sound of his voice, to the pierce of his eyes, and just himself as a whole. I think he is my first love.
Many years passed like this. Random lovers, and continuing with my conflicting feelings towards my first love. He will never see me like I see him. I would tell a random guy I would pick up at a bar. They would sometimes continue flirting by telling me that I don't need to go through that when I had them, etc. To me it was all Bullshit. All I needed was just a phone call, or a random visit. He was my ruin.
Then one fateful rainy evening, after work, I found him drenched on the front of my building. I couldn't believe it was him. I let him in, and made him change while he just stayed quiet. While I was preparing coffee to warm him up he surprised me by hugging me from behind. My heart stopped. He turned me around and began Kissing me. Shock and excitement spread through my whole body. He continued to kiss me aggressively, hungry for more. We began to undress. How clumsy my hands were getting, I couldn't undress him fast enough. I couldn't kiss him deep enough. We fumbled around and made our way to the living room and there, the unimaginable happened. The love of my life took me, he filled me completely with himself, and there was no mercy about it. We grunted, sweated, scratched, and did so many things I always longed to do. I was afraid I was in some kind of dream. I was in ecstasy. This was the best high I could ever get, and no drug can ever compare. When we tired each other out, I noticed my face was streaked with tears, and he was smiling while breathing heavily. I was content, satisfied, I was finally happy.
When I came to, I was laying on the floor. At first I thought that it might have been a dream. Then I saw the nail marks on my arms and I knew that it was real. Finally I got what I wanted my whole life. The person that I loved reacted towards me, I was smiling to myself when I was getting up, but that smile vanished all too quickly when I realized that my apartment was empty, just me and a nice envelope with a cold coffee filled mug. My name was on the envelope. My heart stopped beating and my whole world came tumbling down when I realized what the envelope contained. "You are cordially invited to..." I just fell to my knees. How can this be? Wasn't this supposed to be a happy ever after? The guy that I loved came to me, not the other way around. My world crumbled and I wanted none of it.
A few years have passed since then. I didn't go to the wedding. I didn't answer his phone calls. I stopped all my feelings for him or anyone. Since then everything in my life started to be platonic, no feelings involved equal no feelings getting hurt. I would hear about him from friends. He got married because it was arranged. His family was a wealthy family, so I understood the need for old values to continue on the purist lineage. It all sounded so disgusting. I was tired of this world and the meaningless life it brought me. Unrequited love, unwanted feelings. My life would be perfect, if only I wasn't so disgusting, I thought. Self loathing lead to look for escapes, I turned to drinking, partying, having even more random sex partners. I wanted to hide from the reality of my life, from the pain of it all. One day it came to be too much. I wanted to end it all, so I tried.
At first I was so brave, the thought of killing myself would follow me every day. The question is how to do it. So one day when I decided that this was it, I grabbed a knife and held it on my wrists. I sat there for hours, just fighting my self preservation. The knife fell from my hand. I just couldn't do it. I began to cry, I hugged myself and thought about what I was doing, and what I was going to do. Is my life really that bad? Not really. I have a career people would kill for. I have my own apartment, I have accomplished many things for my age. How would I explain to my very catholic parents why I wanted to die? Why I died at my own hands. The shame I would bring to them. I wouldn't be able to get a proper burial, how sad would the people I leave behind be? I grabbed my phone and dialed his familiar number. Just once I wanted to hear his voice.
Just once.
He answered at the second ring. "Hello...?"
I couldn't say anything. Just the sound of his voice evoked memories of that night. "Hello...? It's been a while" Tears clouded my vision, I was so conflicted, I didn't know if I was happy, sad or angry that he sounded so normal. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, it wasn't my intention. I just meant to give you the invitation that night" My heart clenched; it was so painful. The sound of his deep sigh brought flashbacks of the heavy breathing we were doing that night. Oh how I loved him. How I was obsessed with him. I wanted him so bad. But I was just lying to myself, to think that he might even feel anything for me. I was torturing myself. What kind of masochist was i? I laughed through my nose, the sound came out louder than anticipated, and it brought me back to the issue of why I was calling him.
"Do you know why I called you?" I asked him. Surprised that my voice came out normal. Silence was my answer. "I just wanted to hear your voice one last time, I just wanted to be able to get this thing off of my chest. These feelings that I have been holding on to for 15 years" I took a deep breath, and it was now or never. "How long do you think I have been longing for you? How much I loved the fact that you acknowledged me when we were both kids? How happy you made me when you became my friend? but at the same time how much it hurt me because I knew we couldn't be more. ---He took a breath to say something, but I cut him off--let me finish. That night. That night would be my happiest moment of my life. I love you, I have always loved you. But you broke my heart, and I can't do this any longer. My life belongs to me now and no more would I spend a day thinking about what you might feel for me. Even if it's a sin to be together, even if I were to go to hell, I would've made you happy, because you were the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and the last thing before I went to sleep."
"How can anyone be so heartless as to do what you did? The problem is that I'm not upset at you. I'm upset at myself, for being such a fool, for being a masochist, for being complacent and never striving for more. But Now I know the errors of my ways. I wanted to thank you for being an awesome part of my life. A learning experience. You have been such a big part of me, but now I won't have you in my thoughts, heart or soul, I will heal, I will become stronger."
He took a deep breath, and said " I knew you loved me, ever since the beginning. I knew that you always stopped yourself short from doing anything that might give me a hint, but there was always someone who noticed, at first I didn't want to believe it, but then I became curious about you...." He gave another deep sigh "that night, I don't regret it, I just regret not having it done sooner"
My heart stopped for a few beats, my ears started to ring, I just couldn't believe what I just heard. My mind replayed those words again "I regret not having done it sooner" He continued talking but I didn't realize it until my heart calmed down a little. Then I could hear the truth in his voice. "I always was very scared of losing you, and that's why I hurt you. I'm sorry, at the end I lost you anyways" ''Daddy, Daddy jooz" a little girl's voice was heard in the background. He sighed again, "that is my daughter, and the reason why I got married was all to save her, but again, I hurt you because of the way I did things, and I'm sorry. Sometimes we end up hurting the ones we love the most with the stupidest reasons."
I just couldn't find the words to say anything. My mind was blank. I cleared my throat and said "well, I guess that's true. I'm sorry for calling you all of the sudden, Take care" and hung up abruptly. He said he loved me? I tried to replay the whole conversation over and over in my head. I was happy but at the same time I was heart broken. It took me a couple of months to recover, I had to change my phone number, because he kept calling me. I didn't want to bother with his normal lifestyle. He had a family and no place for me in his heart. I continued on with my life, but this time I focused on my career, and not on anything else. I normalized my life as best as I could. I stopped taking on random lovers, I socialized more with people and tried to be a normal person in society. Even though the heart really never heals, my life was beginning to.
It's been five years since that fateful rainy night. I looked at the sky, it was clear and bright with the moon shining down on my path. I stopped on my tracks when I saw him sitting down the same way 5 years ago, but this time he had a toddler in his arms. She was sleeping and he looked exhausted himself, but when he heard my footsteps he looked up and smiled. How can I forget this man? Every single time I try to lock him up in memory lane he brings my walls down in one swoop. "Welcome home" he said with a bright smile but tired eyes. I noticed the bags on the floor. "I truly am a masochist" I sighed to myself and opened the door to both my apartment and my heart.