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๐๐๐น๐ ๐ญ๐ด, ๐ช๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ฑ๐ฎ๐, ๐ญ๐ฎ:๐ญ๐ฑ ๐ฝ.๐บ.
"I'm here lang sa garden. Sa table sa likod ng greenhouse."
"What are you doing there?" I heard Helen ask.
"Wala lang, tambay."
"Alright," sabi naman ni Gwen. I called her and she put me on speaker so Helen could also talk to me. "Papunta na kami."
"Mm." I nodded then ended the call. As if namang makikita nila yung pag-nod ko.
There were two birds that flew past above me and I saw their silhouettes through the web of branches of the tall trees. Napaka-peaceful sa garden, sabayan pa na na-LSS na naman ako sa Sparks Fly, para akong nasa fairy tale. But my mind was in a Grimm's Fairy Tale. Not the shiny Disney versions like ng nasa paligid ko.
It was our lunch break but ngayon pa lang ako papasok. Na-late kasi ako ng gising kanina. Siguro sa sobrang pagod ko, napasarap ako ng tulog. It was a good thing na lang na hindi napansin ni Mommy kasi she left early to go to Davao for a three-day vacation. Ang dami niyang time to unwind. Dad was at home but he did not ask why I was not in school. When he saw me leaving, he asked why I was still going to school because he thought I was staying home. I just told him that I overslept and he signed my excuse letter.
"Hey, Dee."
I looked at the two people who occupied the vacant seats on the table and smiled at them. "Sorry, ah. Hindi ako nakasabay sa inyo kanina. Nag-lunch na ba kayo?"
"Hindi pa," sagot ni Gwen. "Wala ka pa, eh."
Lalo akong ngumiti. "Samahan niyo naman ako sa faculty. Ibibigay ko lang 'tong excuse letter ko."
They nodded and we headed to the main building na agad. After our faculty mission, we went to Roku's rooftop. We heard from Ate Jessa that her classmates picked the lock to it yesterday. Sarado kasi talaga 'to ever since kaya never din kaming nakatambay dito. Tinatamad daw mag-lunch sila Helen and Gwen kaya hindi kami sa cafeteria pumunta.
"Bakit ka ba kasi ngayon lang pumasok?" Gwen asked.
"I woke up at ten."
Tumawa sila.
"Ay, wait, I have chika," excited na sabi ni Gwen kaya I shot her a curioused look. Helen scoffed naman at umiling siya na parang bad news yung ikukwento ni Gwen. Lalo tuloy akong na-curious. "Did you know na hinahanap ka sa amin ni Shishi kanina?"
For a moment, I was stupefied. But then I remembered na he would only look for me because of our project. Sometimes, hindi ko maintindihan kung tamad ba siyang mag-aral at walang care sa studies niya or kung seryoso ba talaga siya sa project na ginagawa namin. "He wanted to talk about our project, 'no?"
"Aw, yes, nahulaan mo agad," medyo disappointed na sabi ni Gwen.
"I knew it," natatawang sabi ko na lang.
"May problema ka, 'no?" Helen clucked her tongue. "Spill."
So I told them about what happened last night. I told them all the contemplations I had. When I finished, they exchanged worried looks.
"Ayan na yung fear ko, yung ma-fall ka sa gagong yun," sabi ni Helen. "I warned you."
"And I took your warning," I said. "But I couldn't help it. Ayos lang naman. Tanggap ko naman na it's impossible for there to be something between us. So hihintayin ko na lang na kusang mawala 'to. I just, like, like him. It's not the end of the world. I'll be fine."
"So, here's what you need to do," Helen said. Ang active niyang mag-advice lalo kapag tungkol sa hate niya kay Shishi. "Lie low ka muna, okay? Kung wala naman kayong practice, 'wag ka na lang lalapit sa kanya. 'Pag nasa practice kayo, 'wag ka ring lalapit. Kausapin mo lang siya kapag kailangan or kapag kinakausap ka niya. Sagutin mo lang yung itatanong niya. Bottom line is, 'wag kang makikipag-usap sa kanya."
"That's smart of you, ha," natatawang sabi ni Gwen kaya nag-arrogant shrug si Helen. "But, Dee, that's an effective way to forget whatever you're feeling for him is."
I gave them a small but grateful smile. "Thanks, mga panget. I don't know kung anong gagawin ko kung wala kayo."
After lunch and study hall, bumalik na kami sa classroom. May fifteen minutes pa before the bell rang but wala na rin kasi kaming gagawin sa labas. My friends and I talked about the next season of our current favorite anime, Uta no Prince-sama, which would be aired next year na rin agad. I really loved the short blond guy there, Syo Kurusu. It was a great anime for reverse harem fans.
We were only interrupted by the shrilling of our female classmates, saying, They're here na! Napatingin kami sa pinto and watched Shishi, Paris, and Amy enter the room.
But saglit lang akong tumingin sa kanila. Nag-iwas agad ako ng tingin bago pa sila mapatingin sa amin. I even heard Amy greeting Gwen and Helen. I focused my eyes outside the window and watched the birds fly by. It was quite a peaceful afternoon na for me.
"Dee, Dee!" Gwen shook my right shoulder that was near her.
"Ano 'yon, ano 'yon?" I asked. Para kasing tanga. Okay, mali yun. Naa-adopt ko na yung mga palaging sinasabi ni Shishi.
Ngumuso siya sa harap namin kaya tumingin ako doon. Shishi was sat on his seat while Amy was sat on his desk. She was playing with his hair, brushing it up and down and sideways with her dainty fingers. She was smiling down at him habang nakasandal naman siya. I could not tell if he was smiling back or what kasi nakatalikod siya sa amin.
Why did I even bother looking? Alam ko naman na sila lang ang nasa unahan namin na worth talking about. Gusto kong sabunutan si Gwen kasi itinuro niya pa sa akin.
Helen scoffed again and wrinkled her nose. "Ano ba 'yan. Ang PDA nila."
"Sinabi mo pa!" Gwen agreed. "Tingnan mo si Paris, naiirita na sa dalawang katabi niya. His face looks like he ate something na very maasim."
"Baka may gusto rin kasi 'yang virus na 'yan kay Amy."
Gwen laughed at her. "Selos ka lang, eh."
Biglang tumawa si Helen na kagaya sa mga evil characters sa mga anime na pinapanood namin before looking serious again in a heartbeat. "Shut up, Gwendolyn Jane."
"Buong buo, Helen Penelope, ah!"
Hindi ko na pinansin ang asaran nilang dalawa. Tumingin na lang ulit ako sa labas ng bintana, but hindi na naman peaceful ang dating ng panahon sa akin. It had become blatantly darker, like sa mga thriller movies.
Maybe I just had to accept the fact na may gusto nga si Shishi kay Amy. They were best friends, but why would he let her touch his hair like that? Because he liked her. Torpe lang siguro. Or maybe he thought he did not deserve her kasi marami siyang kalokohan. Ewan, marami na kasi akong napanood na romantic movies. That was a common trope.
"Dee, look!" Gwen hissed.
Kahit ayoko, tumingin ulit ako kila Shishi. Makakalas na kasi yung mga buto ko sa sobrang pagyugyog ng friend ko na masarap nang sapakin.
"Amy, ano ba?" Shishi yelled before swatting Amy's hand away from his head. "Naririndi na 'ko."
Tawa naman nang tawa si Amy but umalis na rin siya and went back to her seat. "There are cigarette ashes pa nga kasi."
Lahat kaming nandito sa room, sa kanilang dalawa nakatingin. Scene makers.
"They're so irritating," bulong ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ko na mapigilan, eh. Naiirita na talaga ako because I chose not to dwell on the jealousy I was feeling. I had never felt jealousy this way kasi Zach always assured me na wala lang yung mga girls na nalapit sa kanya. And nakaka-frustrate kasi ayokong magselos dahil I did not have the right. Ayoko ng gano'n.
"True. Lalo 'yang si Amy," Helen said before throwing Amy a glare. Naasar din siya kay Amy when I told her about the 'si ano' thing.
I shook my head and looked outside the window again. Ngayon, parang apocalypse movie na ang tingin ko sa labas, like may maglalabasan na zombies. That was how heavy my chest felt.
"Hoy."
Nasa harap ko na si Shishi kaya my throat became dry bigla. Gusto ko nang magsuot ng nametag kasi baka hindi niya pa rin ma-memorized talaga ang name ko until now. Ano na naman kaya ang kailangan niya? Gagawin ko na nga yung advice ni Helen, eh.
"Bakit?" I asked, trying to keep all my feelings at bay.
"Bakit ngayon ka lang?"
"Late na kasi akong nagising," simpleng sagot ko.
"Late? Ten ka nakauwi sa inyo, late na ba 'yon?" Tumataas na naman ang boses niya. Bakit ba lagi siyang high blood? Did he like putok-batok foods ba?
"Ewan," sagot ko na lang.
"Sumama ka sa'kin."
"Whatโ" Hindi ko na naituloy ang sasabihin ko dahil hinila niya na ako. Helpless akong napatingin sa mga kaibigan ko. "Wait, Shishi, saanโ"
"Shiloh."
"Don't care, saan tayo pupunta?"
"Basta." Tuloy tuloy siya sa paghila sa akin. Sumunod na lang ako. As much as I wanted to pull my wrist back, I liked the feeling na magkadikit yung balat namin. Ang harot ko masyado. The thrilling feeling I felt yesterday night came back to me all at once, washing over me from head to toe.
This can lead to something else if I do the right thing. Right?
Bwisit kasi 'tong si Shishi, pa-fall.
"Hey, Shishi! Saan mo siya dadalhin?" I heard Helen ask.
"Wala ka na do'n!"
Nakalabas na kami sa classroom but hinihila niya pa rin ako sa hallway. Ano ba ang problema niya? Hindi ko talaga siya maintindihan.
"Uy, Shishi, saan baโ"
"Paulit ulit na tayo sa pagtama ko sa'yo d'yan," naiinis na sabi niya.
Literally, nasabunutan ko na ang sarili ko. I did not care kahit may mga nakatingin sa aming students at baka isipin nila na nababaliw na ako kasi sinasaktan ko ang sarili ko, but sobrang nakaka-drain ng pasensya si Shishi.
I even spotted somebody taking a photo of us with her phone. I glared at her but she just glared back at me. Hindi man lang ako nakakapag-powder pa tapos kukuhanan niya ako ng picture. Sabotage.
Bumaba kami sa hagdan then we turned the corner papunta sa gilid ng small library where the toilets were. We stopped outside, sa space na nagse-separate ng pang-girls at pang-boys. Nakasandal ako sa pader, nasa harap ko siya. Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga students na lumalabas and pumapasok.
"Anong sinasabi mong late ka na nagising?" Shishi finally let go of me. Ano ba kasing problema nitong taong 'to? Amoy alak na naman siya. Ganyan ba talaga kapag nalalasing? I knew I acted stupid din when I drank, but come on. This was worse.
"Late na nga," madiin na sabi ko.
"Anong pinaggagagawa mo at late kang nagising?"
"Wala. Pagkauwi ko, I just took a bath, watched TV for a while, then went straight to bed."
"Tulog mantika."
"Yeah."
Tumabi siya sa akin at sumandal na rin siya sa wall. He looked exhausted and unfocused kasi his eyes moved around. Like he was thinking of something pero hindi niya naman alam what to do about it.
"Ano bang problema mo? Kinakausap kita nang maayos," naiinis na sabi niya without looking at me. Maayos pa pala 'tong lagay na 'to? Nahiya naman ako.
Napalunok ako kasi magkadikit yung mga shoulder namin. Something twitched inside my stomach again.
"Kinakausap kita," paalala niya after he rubbed his nose. He leaned forward and placed his hands on his knees. Ang sama ng tingin niya sa akin.
I looked away. "Wala naman akong problema."
He snorted and rubbed his nose again. "Talaga lang, ha?"
"Sorry. Wala lang ako sa mood na makipag-usap ngayon. I feel a little under the weather," I said truthfully and clasped my hands together behind me.
"Nagpaulan ka kasi. Ang tanga kasi."
Pinanglakihan ko siya ng mga mata. "Tanga na agad 'yon?"
"Kasalanan mo 'yan," he said. When he did not hear anything from me, he let out a frustrated grunt and ruffled his hair na para bang rinding rindi siya.
Nagtataka akong tumingin sa kanya. "Okay ka lang ba?"
"May pakielam ka ba?" Kasabay ng pagsabi niya no'n ay ang pagtunog ng bell.
"Shiloh, nag-bell na."
Hindi na siya nakatingin sa akin kasi he was looking the other way, watching the students scramming to get to class on time. "Wala 'kong pakielam."
I really could not understand what was going on inside his head to do this. Wala namang purpose 'tong paghila at pagdala niya sa akin dito, but here we were. Parang may gusto siyang mangyari or patunayan or something kaso kahit siya ay nalalabuan sa sarili niya. That was how I saw it.
"Dalhin mo mamaya yung bag ko sa club ko. Hindi na ako papasok."
"What?"
Tumingin na ulit siya sa akin at dumiretso ng tayo. "Aangal ka pa o susunod ka na lang? Balian kaya kita ng buto?"
"Ano ka, nakakuha ng utusan? Bahala kaโ"
"Dalhin mo," sabi niya ulit at umalis na siya palabas ng Roku.
I watched him go, staring at his back as he walked farther and farther away from me. Kakalabas niya lang sa door noong dumating naman si Paris.
"Si Shishi?"
I nodded to the door. "Cutting. Dalhin ko raw bag niya sa Kapisanan mamaya. Kainis."
Huminga siya nang malalim. "'Wag ka na mainis d'yan." He smiled. "Gusto mo ring mag-cutting?"
I did not think about it when I said yes. Alam kong hindi maganda sa grades ko 'to kasi late na nga ako tapos I would skip classes pa. Kaso ayoko sa room. Hindi rin naman ako makakapag-focus. Sabi ni Paris, sa garden na lang daw kami kasi safe place daw yun. He also said na baka nandoon si Shishi so pwede raw kaming tumambay nang magkakasama. Muntik na akong mag-back out. When we got there, wala naman si Shishi sa table nila.
"Umuwi siguro," sabi ni Paris. Pinagpag niya yung isang chair and offered it to me kaya I took it. Umupo siya sa kanan ko. "Anong ginawa niyo ni Shishi sa banyo, ah?"
"Sira, wala 'no. Ewan ko sa friend mo. Ang labong kausap. Wala namang sasabihin na serious. He was probably tripping."
"Ah. Trip mo naman ba siyang kausap?"
"Oo sana, kaso salbahe siya."
"Oh, 'di ba? Alam mo na ngayon yung salbahe saka mabait. Mabait ako."
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. Nagkwentuhan pa kami about sa project. I received a text from Helen din, asking where I was, so I told her what happened. Her reply to my text about me skipping classes with Paris was: WTF?!?!???!!!! I apologized and that was that. Baka nakikinig na siya sa lesson.
Twenty minutes na siguro kaming nagkukwentuhan when Emma arrived. Nakita niya agad kami kaya tinawag din siya ni Paris. She sat on the third chair.
"Kayong mga first year ang lakas niyong mag-cutting," sabi niya.
"Etong si Dee niyaya ako, eh. Alipin lang naman ako."
"Excuse me?" I said kaya tumawa silang dalawa.
Nagkwentuhan lang din kaming tatlo about sa project namin. Like us, wala pa ring second song sila Emma. Sabi ni Paris, mayroon na sila ni Helen but ayaw niyang sabihin sa amin kasi kalaban daw kami. Natahimik kami saglit until Emma broke the silence.
"Oy, nguso, how's Tori?"
Ngumiti si Paris. "Nasa Thailand pa. Ate ko yun," sabi niya sa akin. "May pending operation pa raw, eh. Baka next month pa uwi no'n. Ewan ko dun, surprise daw, eh."
"What happened?" I asked. "Is she okay?"
"Yeah, okay na okay siya," naka-smile pa ring sabi ni Paris.
"Let me know if I can help with anything. Like emotional support."
He laughed. "Sure. Salamat."
Ibinato sa amin ni Emma yung leaf na nasa table. "Ang cheesy niyong dalawa."
"Ay, question lang." Pinatong ni Paris yung forearms niya sa table. Akala mo namang may pinag-uusapan kaming importante talaga dito sa pwesto namin. "Anong magandang gift sa batang babae? Seven years old?"
"Para kayโano nga ulit name niya?"
"Pauline."
"Who's that?" I asked. Ayoko kasing ma-exclude, saka madali rin namang sumali sa conversation nila. "Inaanak mo?"
"Kapatid ko rin," Paris said. Parang ang saya niya masyado today kasi hindi nawawala yung ngiti niya. "Birthday niya next week. Dapat may gift na akong mabili by Friday kasi kailangan pang pumasa sa standards ng asawa ng dad ko bago iregalo. Medyo spoiled si Pau, eh. Pero mabait na bata yun. Sa Linggo gaganapin yung party."
"Ask mo na lang kaya si Kyo kung anong gift niya para makakuha ka ng idea?" I said.
"No, hindi niya pinsan yun. Mga nanay namin yung magkapatid. Gusto niyo bang sumama?"
"Not me," sabi ni Emma, tinaas niya pa ang mga kamay niya. "Not my scene."
"Ikaw, Dee? Sama mo sila Helen. Baka sumama rin naman sila Kyo, eh."
"Yeah, sige. I'll let you know. Baka kasi may gawin din kami nila Mommy this weekend. Pero sana wala."
Nagpaalam din muna sa amin si Paris na bibili siya ng drinks namin kaya naiwan kami ni Emma. Medyo awkward kasi we had never talked before nang one-on-one. We had casual conversations kasi nagkakasama kami during practices, but that was it. Mas ka-close niya si Helen.
"Nililigawan ka ba ni Paris?"
Nagulat ako sa question niya. She was tying her hair up at parang napaka-normal ng tanong niya. Sasagot sana ako kaso napansin ko yung wrists niya. Nag-slide kasi pababa yung sleeves ng blazer niya kasi nakataas yung arms niya. Yung iba, scars na lang, but there were at least two fresh cuts.
Ibinaba niya bigla yung arms niya when she noticed I was looking.
"Sorry," I said and looked down. Nakakahiya. I should not have stared.
"Ayos lang," sabi niya. Nakangiti siya. "'Wag mo na lang sabihin kay Warren 'pag nagkita kayo."
"Of course." I nodded. "Is everything okay?"
"Well, yes. But actually, no." She laughed. "Marami lang drama sa bahay. Saka emo nga 'ko, 'di ba?"
Nginitian ko na lang din siya kasi I knew na ayaw niyang magkwento. And it was too personal din naman para ikwento sa someone na hindi mo naman talaga kilala. I would admit na curious ako, but I felt bad for her. She was the coolest girl I had seen in school. She looked so strong and confident. She did not give a flying fuck about anyone. And Kuya Warren also looked very cheerful. Like he never had a problem sa buong buhay niya. Napaisip ako kung anong problema sa bahay nila, but I tried not to dwell on it kasi ayoko naman na sa akin gawin yun ng iba if I were Emma.
"'Wag mo na lang din ikwento sa friends mo, ah?"
"Yeah. I promise."
โ โธป โ
๐๐ช๐๐ก
๐๐๐น๐ ๐ญ๐ด, ๐ช๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ป๐ฒ๐๐ฑ๐ฎ๐, ๐ฐ ๐ฝ.๐บ.
"Parang gusto ko na lang ibagsak yung Music subject natin," Dee said. "Nahihiya lang ako sa PAD because they're really helping."
We were in Starbucks in Cruz, a barangay in Cantu, near our school. Miwako was in Cruz while Toracco Bar & Grill and Cantu Chords were in Perez, the next barangay. We were waiting for Kuya Simon to pick us up in half an hour.
"Gusto na kitang batukan para lang maalog 'yang utak mo," sabi ni Helen. "Ano ba kasi ang nagustuhan mo sa gago na 'yon? He's a fucking asshole."
"Hindi naman masyado," I said. "If he gives little kids food to eat, he isn't that bad. But bugnutin kasi siya. There would have been no problem naman kasi if only pinapanindigan niya lang yung pagiging suplado sa'yo. Kaso hindi."
Dee told us everything that happened kanina sa school when Shishi dragged her away. Si Helen, naiinis kasi ayaw pang layuan ni Shishi si Dee and lapitan na lang kapag tungkol talaga sa project.
"No, that's not the point," kontra ulit ni Helen. "The point here is, hindi mo dapat siya nagustuhan. End of conversation."
"I think I know what I liked about him," sabi ni Dee. "He's very gwapo and he's a great drummer."
"Jesus."
Natawa tuloy ako. "But he has a lot of bad sides. I agree with Lenny on that. Napakabungangero niya. Ang dami niya palaging sinasabi."
"Right! Yung bibig niya, ang sarap i-masking tape." Helen looked pleased kasi, finally, may kakampi na siya opinions niya.
"Mm-hmm." I nodded. "Secondly, wala siyang modo and akala niya, he's everyone's boss. Pang-third, napakasungit niya. Parang it's a big sin kapag nilapitan siya ng fans niya."
"Uh-huh." Helen nodded din. "That's right. Keep going, Gwenny."
"Pang-fourth, lagi ka niyang nilalait, pinapahiya, at inuutusan. Binabantaan ka pa. May death threat ka na from him."
"Right? Parang gusto ko siyang unahan, ako na ang papatay sa kanya," inis na inis na sabi ni Helen.
"And lastly, may bisyo siya. Papasok siya palagi nang naka-inom, amoy sigarilyo pa. Tapos matutulog the whole day." I looked at Dee pointedly. "But he's very gwapo and a great drummer kaya gusto mo siya. I get it."
"Oh, my God," Helen exclaimed exasperatedly, looking up. "Lord, bigyan Niyo ako ng matinong friends. Please."
Dee and I cracked up and napatingin na sa amin yung ibang customers from nearby tables.
"Nah, I'll still keep following your advice naman, Lenny," sabi ni Dee. "'Wag ka na maghanap ng ibang friends d'yan."
"Really? You're following it? Bakit mo pa rin dinala ang bag niya sa clubroom nila?"
"Kasi babalian daw niya ako ng buto if I didn't?"
Helen groaned aloud. "Ewan ko sa'yo."
"You know what," I said so they both looked at me. "Wala naman talagang masama kung crush mo siya or gusto mo siya or kahit in love ka pa sa kanya. What's going to be wrong is kapag hinayaan mo ang sarili mo na ma-involve further in his affairs. Lahat naman tayo nagkakagusto sa taong hindi tayo gusto. As long as hindi mo naman hinahayaan yung sarili mo na mapalapit pa lalo sa kanya, to the point na may something na ma-develop between you two kahit hindi ka naman pala talaga niya gusto ng one hundred percent, you will be fine. Hindi ka masyadong masasaktan. Yeah, you might be feeling jealousy ngayon but that will come to pass. Why? Because you'll think na, bakit ako nagseselos? Kami ba? You get what I'm saying?"
Dee smiled. "I get it."
"Good," sabi ko. Satisfied na ako kasi naintindihan niya.
Dahil wala pa rin si Kuya, we browsed Kurai Miwako muna. Admittedly, the three of us had not visited the site for days na. Naubos na rin kasi yung okay na content, like 10 Things that Chico Chavez Did in HS that No One Knew About. Puro fangirling at bitching lang ng users yung mayroon ngayon.
I had just refreshed the Home page when a new post under Recent appeared.
What is this? Nag-commit na ba si Shishi? With a girl from school pa?
That was the caption of the first picture in the post. And the picture? Well, it was Shishi dragging my beautiful friend in the hallway. Okay, she was not at her prettiest here kasi medyo gusot yung hair niya. Maganda pa si Shishi sa kanya dito. Below that was another picture. They were outside the toilet, standing next to each other.
Are the rumours that we thought about him and his best friend Amy Chan going out not true after all? Are they a couple now? But the question is, who is this lucky girl?
I showed them the post kasi hindi pa yata nila nakikita. Namutla si Dee. She looked at us helplessly and I balled my free hand into a fist. She should not be put in this position after what she had been through. I was pushing her to focus on Shishi so she could forget her ex kasi he was the only prospect na malapit. Sa kanya lang din mukhang interesado si Dee. But I had never wanted it to turn out like this.
I refreshed the page again and there was a newer post agad.
According to my sources, she is Shishi's partner on their Music project and her name is Dee Yurieva from Class 1-A. But did they instantly fall for each other, like, on the spot? Do we have the DeeShi couple now?
"DeeShi? What the fuck?" Helen looked at Dee angrily. "What's going on? Tahimik ang buhay natin dati! You don't have to go through this! You can't!"
Dee did not answer. Nakayuko lang siya. I pulled her into a hug kasi magkatabi lang kami. She did not cry, but ang lalim ng hinga niya. Ang higpit din ng hug niya sa akin. Nagkatinginan kami ni Helen and nakita ko na talagang galit siya, but halatang nag-aalala siya especially when she looked at Dee.
This was not that major, but Dee was already vulnerable. Ang hirap ng pinagdaanan niya. It took her a new school to smile again. She used to cry day and night for weeks. The doctor said stress and depression were to blame sa nangyari. Her parents were not even there to support her. It was only her Mommy Alicia. Kaya nga I cried din when she passed, kasi ang bait niya talaga kay Dee pati sa amin. I should not feel like this, but nakaka-guilty na masaya ako pero sobrang malungkot si Dee.
"It's that kulot's fault," sabi ni Helen. "He fucking knows na sikat siya and all eyes watch him and his every move tapos puro kabalastugan ang ginagawa niya? He's not thinking. Napaka-shallow pa naman ng mga tao sa school, binibigyan ng meaning ang mga simpleng bagay."
Lalo kaming nagalit kasi a poll appeared in the Home page ulit. They were voting on who was better for Shishi, if it was Amy or Dee. Ninety-six percent yung votes ang kay Amy while yung remaining four lang ang kay Dee out of eighty-eight people na online at the moment.
I took Dee's phone and deleted her browsing and search history so she would not see any traces of that damned site. It was not much, but I hoped it would help.
"What about that PDA na scene nila Shishi at Amy kanina? Nobody posted a damn thing about it. Shouldn't they talk about that more? Hindi ba sila kinilig do'n?"
"I'm new kasi kaya siguro gano'n," sabi ni Dee. Namumula yung cheeks at eyelids niya. My heart broke for her. She excused herself to go to the toilet. Helen went with her kaya I was left alone sa table namin.
Another post appeared.
WTF is this?! Are they really a couple or Shishi is just making Dee his 'alalay' or PA or whatever you call this? Look!
There was a picture of Dee carrying Shishi's backpack. It was a black and red Jansport and siya lang yung nakikita kong may ganoong bag sa school kahit it was very common. Dee told us about this. Paris took it from her daw when he saw her sa building ng Kapisanan kaya hindi na rin sila nagkita ni Shishi.
When Kuya arrived, bumiyahe na rin kami agad. None of us spoke and Kuya noticed it. He asked if we were okay. We dropped Dee off first. Nagpaalam siya and she smiled at us. I wished with all my heart na better na siya bukas.
Nasa Daang Hari na kami kasi Victoria na ang next destination namin para ihatid si Helen when Kuya said na may bibilhin lang siya sa isang restaurant dito for Ate Dana, his girlfriend, who was craving for a heavy meal. Ewan ko, ang weird nila.
Naiwan kami ni Helen kaya lumipat ako sa tabi niya. Nagulat pa siya.
"I feel so bad for Dee-Dee," sabi ko.
"I am mad. Sobra," sabi naman niya. "How could they do that to her? Sobrang sweet ni Dee. She'd never hurt a fly. Tapos kung pagchismisan nila, parang deserve niya na ma-invade yung private affairs niya."
"Kaya nga, eh."
Matagal kaming natahimik and I noticed na nakatulala lang si Helen sa labas ng window.
"Huy." I nudged her. "Are you okay? Nagawa ka ng music video sa isip mo, 'no?"
"Shut up," natatawang sabi niya. Lalo siyang sumandal and tumingin siya sa akin na parang nahihiya. "May nag-confess sa'kin."
"Really?" I asked. Ang laki siguro ng ngiti ko kasi sabi niya mukha raw akong sira ulo, but I was excited for her. "Sino?"
"Hindi mo kilala. Old friend ko sa'min."
"That's great! Anong sagot mo?"
Huminga siya nang malalim at tumingin ulit sa labas. "I don't know what to do. Babae siya."
"Oh."
"What would you do if you were me?"
"I don't... I mean... Umm, I don't know. Sorry. Do you like her ba?"
"Let's say unclear ako sa part na 'yon, for the sake of the argument."
"God, I've never had gender dysphoria," I admitted.
"Gender dysphoria. Really?"
"Yeah. Of course, what if hetero ako? Straight? What if I don't like girls? Ayoko siyang paasahin. On the other hand, if ako yung nasa position mo, I'd tell her na hindi ako sure if I wanted same-sex relationship kasi everybody deserves honesty naman. I'd tell her I could give it a try if she was willing to take the risks. Kasi I might fall, I might not. You know? So gano'n na lang sabihin mo ifโand only ifโready ka rin sa possibility na you would commit in case na magustuhan mo talaga siya for who she is. After all, wala naman sa dick o vag ang love, 'di ba?"
Helen smiled. "Yeah. Ipon lang ako ng lakas ng loob and I'll tell her."
"Ikaw? Have you ever had confusion ba?"
She gave me a look na parang ang crazy ng tanong ko. Then she laughed. "Secret."
"Why aren't you telling us anything!" Hinampas ko siya. "Seryoso? Yung totoo?"
"I don't know. I like female anime characters din, 'di ba? I see boys and girls the same way. It's not that important naman kaya hindi ko sinasabi sa inyo. Forget it. Ang awkward ng convo natin."
Except she never talked about real boys. Puro male anime characters lang din. So that was the reason why I asked her if she ever had any struggle with that.
"Hindi awkward. You know na you can tell us anything, right?"
She looked away, her cheeks flushed. "Yeah."
I pulled her into a hug kaya nagulat siya. She tried to push me away kasi mainit daw but I just laughed at it. In the end, she hugged me back and told me she hoped Dee was alright.
Sana nga talaga. Zach leaving and the miscarriage were already painful enough.