"I cannot forget you..."
"How could I? As long as I am here..."
I opened my eyes as heavy as can be after that night which sleep was hard to grasp. Usually, slumber would be dancing in tip toes as it sways towards my eyelids, gently kissing it to deep sleep. No, it wasn't because of that... It was because at that those times, there were no worries. Everything was standard, but enough. Yes, it was enough.
How long has it been? For me to be this way. Perhaps it has been more than a week. I sway my head towards the window staying still as it allows light to pass through its unseen barrier, and into my sleepy face. It's morning already, and I need to start the preparations for work. I couldn't let Mr. Aubuchon do the job himself because of his age.
Down I went towards the living room and into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee at least. For me, it is enough to boost my energy the entire morning for work. As I went down, I felt nostalgia waft over me as I see a silhouette of a woman at the corner of the living room looking at the window. I turned my head quickly, only to see nothing but the small wooden chair shone brighter by the morning light through the window. The now dull roses inside the small slim flower vase whithered slowly as its petals fell one by one. There were three roses, where the other one failed to bloom. I knew I still can't, it's not easy, and it never was.
I work here in Havenbelle as a carpenter. Whenever someone is in need, I never fail to appease my clients. I also do plumbing if necessary, as long as it adds up to the income. However, today, like all the days this week, I was not being my usual self.
"You okay there Hans?!!" my today's client was a short old man Mr. Aubuchon having his table fixed. He is a small shop owner of different merchandises. He somehow caught me in the middle of thinking to myself as I sat on a small stool, holding the hammer in my hand while staring lifelessly at the half-buried nail to connect and stabilize the balance of the table. "Hey, don't push yourself too hard. Perhaps I really shouldn't have had you do this in your current condition."
"I'm very sorry Mr. Aubuchon, and please don't worry about me. I'm completely fine," I have never failed in my tasks. Only now, I felt like a total junk.
"You serious..? In my opinion, you haven't really gotten over of what happened," he closed his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. "I know it's hard, but you have to move on. Or else it will be bad for you..."
I could only stay quiet from that statement, for he is truly right. Only I could help myself now. I have always been too reliant in all my decisions. "Say, Mr. Aubuchon," I asked. "Do you know any place where I could move..?
"Move?" he sounded quite shocked. "You're moving away??"
I stayed quiet for quite a while, until the sound of the clock ticked and I stood up. "I need to find myself again, maybe another town, or at the capital? As long as it's not here..." I clenched my fists as my hands shivered from the very thought of leaving. My throat felt dry and my heart raced fast.
"Hmm..." the small old man walked slowly as he observed the nearly finished table while folding his arms, before he stopped and gave me a warm smile. "You really are great at this."
"Uh, yes..." I stood baffled at his response. "Well, I have been a carpenter for as long as I can remember."
"Ahaha, you're still young so you can still grow and be better," he then sat on his butt as he observed the table. "You would probably fit in with other carpenters. There's a furniture shop in the capital owned by a friend of mine. Why don't you try moving there and apply for a job? I could even recommend you to him."
I felt joy swell up within me upon hearing what Mr. Aubuchon has said. I haven't such an opportunity until now. No, it was more like the thought only came to importance now. "Are you serious, Mr. Aubuchon?" I couldn't help but ask such a question to a sincere man.
"Haha! Since when did I ever entertain jest?" He stood up and patted me on the shoulder. "You are still alive. So continue living. I bet my entire fortune that's what my niece would have wanted for you..."
As his hand left my shoulder, I felt nostalgia grip my heart and squeeze the emotion I desperately hid with all my strength. Without realizing it, a tear timidly peeked from the corner of my eye.
"Now, now..." Mr. Aubuchon let go of my shoulder and patted me on the back. "That's not very manly..." and he chuckled to himself.
I immediately wiped away the tear from my eye and faced him with promise as I lowered my head, "Thank you very much Mr. Aubuchon."
"Now lighten up. My wife has prepared me some pot-au-feu for lunch. I bet you have not had breakfast yet."
That noon, I stayed for a while to have lunch at Mr. Aubuchon's house with her wife. What was supposed to be a short meal became long as the conversation was composed of short laughter and small reminiscing of the past, involving a mixture of emotions to take place pass through from inside the small window of their small house. For a moment more, I decided to stay.
Outside, as I walked my way towards the house at the near top of the hill, I felt nostalgia as the house rose to vision. Like a candle, it made the sunset sky look like a tiny flame as I fixated my eyes at it. The hardships, the efforts, the sweat and tears, the dedication, it all took the form of the little wooden house right next to those pine trees inside the wooden fence. The more I get closer, the more nostalgia wraps itself around me, as if a blanket of comfort.
Suddenly, I remembered what Mrs. Aubuchon said on the table before I left, "You definitely need to have a memory to take with you."
I stared at the house for a while and thought to myself, "A memory, huh..?"
A few days have passed, and with Mr. Aubuchon's help, I was able to find a good abandoned house near the capital. Despite it being smaller than my previous one, I could definitely start a new life there. I have already decided to leave everything here behind, for any object would give pain to my chest. All I needed was to clean up and store them in the attic in case someone might buy the house. As for the memory Mrs. Aubuchon has suggested, I have decided on one.
Three gentle knocks was heard behind the door. I, who was cooking at that time, hurriedly came over to open it. It showed me what seemed like a life-sized doll all clad in white.
"Good day to you sir," the girl put down a huge luggage in front of her feet, put her hands on each side of her elegant white morning dress and slowly lifted it up as she lowered her head. "I am from the Maison de Couleurs painter's group here in Havenbelle. My name is Blanche. Pleased to meet you."
"Oh, I see. Pleased to meet you too," I responded to her with a smile.
I sent a letter to Maison de Couleurs, a painters society here in Havenbelle where they paint whatever a client asked for an enough amount of cash. So this girl is who they sent for my request, a portrait of the entire house.
I invited her inside the house to rest. It would seem like she walked her way towards here, which for me was quite a long way. However, she insisted to proceed on the portrait.
"Please give me the details exactly how you want your house to be painted," she looked young but the gentle smile on her face was enough to convince me how dedicated she was on her work. "I would like to start as soon as possible."
"Well, if you're that dedicated then..." I then led her outside to where I envisioned how the house would look perfect, including the fence and the pine trees. "I believe this is a great place to view the house. What do you think?"
For a moment, she just stared at the house and then, "Indeed it does look nice here... But will you allow me to have a look around?"
I do not know why but I just responded with an, "Oh, okay..." And I just saw her walk around the house. Even when I went inside, from a window, I would see her doing a rectangular pose with her fingers. She looked quite young, probably about fourteen to sixteen years old. Her glowing brown hair and eyes seemed to be the only color difference she had with her white skin, almost as white as her soft morning dress which reached farther than her knee but not the feet. Her face looked so pretty, like a doll moving on its own. I then decided to just let her be as I am busy with preparations to move. As I took a look around, I felt pain swell within my chest. Everything brought so many memories in one swoop towards my teary eyed face as I clenched my fist in anguish.
"Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here?" Blanche asked with a worried face.
"It's very much fine. You haven't finished the painting right? So you should stay here," I told her.
Painters from Maison de Couleurs are required to stay at the client's home in case there is no other place for them to stay. It greatly minimizes the payment for the client's sake. However, he/she is required to serve the painter with hospitality, therefore provide him/her with life necessities like food and shelter.
"Well then, I'll kindly take you up on that offer," Blanche lowered her head in gratitude. "I shall sleep wherever you shall have me sleep."
"Oh, about that," I then took a few step up the stairs. "Please follow me."
I then led her towards a room next to mine. I opened it to reveal a small room with two windows. Only a bed and a small dusty stool was there at each corner of the room to where the windows were.
"This was supposed to be my future child's room. Now it's just a vacant room..." I once again clenched my fist.
"Apologies for this question but, what do you mean supposed to be? What happened to your wife?" she asked me so innocently, yet the question, for some reason, felt like a dagger long pierced through my chest which I dared not to remove.
"Maria, my wife, died while giving birth to our child..." I answered her. I managed to answer that question. I remembered, I haven't said those words to anyone who visited during the funeral. No, I haven't said any words at all. I couldn't accept it, thus saying those words were impossible because I couldn't accept that fact. She is dead, my dear Maria... It has been almost two weeks, did my heart slowly get loose due to the passing of time? Did I dare let my heart loose?
"Sir Hans?!" I was brought back to the world by a sweet gentle voice. Blanche looked worried while holding her fist to her chest. "I'm very sorry to have asked that... I'm sorry that it left you in a daze..."
I don't know how to respond to her. I felt nothing but swelling pain in my chest after saying the words I feared to say. No, it was because I feared the acceptance of that fact. Until today I cannot accept, I just cannot accept.... Without realizing it, I just left Blanche without a word and went to my room to sleep.
"I'm very sorry about last night Sir Hans," Blanche lowered her head in apology while standing in front of the dining table.
"Ah, don't worry too much," I don't want her to feel bad about it. No, I just don't want to remember. "Let's just not talk about it anymore..."
I felt the need to change the topic so I asked her, "Blanche was it? You haven't told me you're last name."
"I apologize for I don't have one," she replied.
"What do you mean you don't have one?" I got curious. Everyone is supposed to have a family name.
"In truth, I am suffering from amnesia. Blanche is not even my real name. It was only given to me by my doctor," she looked so solemn as she spoke.
"So you don't know anything?" I was shocked to know. "Do you have no parents here?"
"Actually, I do not know. My doctor said he found me on a bay after a storm. I am here on Havenbelle because for some reason, it's the only word I remember," Blanche lowered her head as she spoke out. "That's why my doctor took me here, hoping I could remember something by staying. I joined the Maison de Couleurs because I already how to paint. They claimed it's a gift, but for me, it felt not..."
"Oh, I see. And I'm sorry," I felt bad but I do not know how to respond.
"No, it's fine," she responded with a smile.
The day went by slowly as I was packed with plenty of things to do. I came home late after being invited by one of my clients to eat with him for dinner. I had already instructed Blanche to eat on her own whenever circumstances like these happen. As I entered the darkness of my house, one room still had lights. It felt rather mystical as I went upstairs towards the open door. There I saw her, smiling gently at me as the outside breeze lifted her dark hair. However, after the first blink my eyes had unexpectedly done, it was a girl in white, still painting under the mercy of the lantern lights.
"Oh, sir Hans!" she said the moment she noticed me.
"Still painting I see," I said as I went inside the room.
"It's fine," she just focused on the painting. "I'm just doing my best."
With only the lantern's light to shield away the darkness of the night, this lady in white kept on painting.
"My wife Maria, she was kind of like you..." I decided to both break the silence and open up to her. "She was so dedicated to embroidery once, she acquired plenty of wounds afterwards."
"Oh my," she said, halting from painting and looking at me.
I chuckled as I said, "She was a bit clumsy in anything." I laughed to myself for a while.
"Why must you leave sir Hans?" she suddenly asked with a solemn face.
I didn't know what to say. I felt my hands trembling, my throat dry. I looked at her as I was on the brink of mourning.
"I don't want to leave... But I have to..." I clenched my trembling fists on top of my shaking knees, stopping my tears from falling as I merely faced the wooden floor.
"... I see," Blanche then went back to painting with a reassuring gentle smile on her innocent face.
That morning, Blanche and I spoke very less. Well, we don't really know each other much. I then left to work on a closet a client asked for, leaving Blanche alone to continue her painting. It continued that way for four days until the painting was finished.
After a short goodbye and a decent handshake, I watched as her small figure walked away down the hill under the dusk sky until there was no more of her to be seen. With that, I was alone again. Only this time, I am to leave by tomorrow to the capital, therefore leaving behind this small house which I, no, we worked hard together. Now I will leave it all behind... I clenched my fists hard.
After a few hours of travel by train, I finally stood in front of the new house for me to live. It wasn't that big, but it was enough for just me. Inside were old chairs, tables, and some curtains and carpets which required cleaning. Everything inside was new, for I brought nothing with me but my clothing and the painting. Indeed, I left everything behind.
That night, after a hard work of cleaning, I finally rested in my new room on top of the bed. I turned my head to the side where I saw the painting slightly covered with a white cloth on it. I then stood up and took the painting in my hands as I sat on the bed, placing it on my lap. I didn't have much of the chance to look at it so closely because of how busy I was. Although I did was able to see it up close after she left but not as relaxed as now.
It was painted beautifully by Blanche. Although, she painted it slightly to the right of what I wanted it to look, it looked very fine. I cannot believe the detail she put on it. From the grass and the trees, to the wood, windows, and roofs of the house. Even the lamps and chairs inside were identifiable. She painted it exactly how it looked like at that certain view. I felt so nostalgic just touching it softly with my hands. As I caressed my fingers across, I halted upon noticing one detail. A detail painted behind the leaves of one the pine trees next to the house. That detail was so much to bear. Why.... Why did she have to paint this..?
I cannot stop my tears from flowing, this time I cannot. It all went out without my consent, all my grief, my pain, my agony, with just this detail. She painted the blue tie I wore tied to Maria's pink ribbon before she tied it up when we were still blooming with youth.
"This tree has been here since we were kids,"
I know Maria...
"Why don't we tie something to remember our promise then?"
I know Maria...
"Doesn't that look good?!"
God please...
"Let us be together forever then..."
Please tell me she's okay there...
"I'm fine wherever I go!!"
Forgive me, Maria...
"You're always behind me right? That's why I shouldn't worry!!!"
There were so many things I wanted us to do, so many dreams we shared under the cover of the night and under the radiance the sun. We talked about family, friends, and the future. My dear Maria...
I hug the painting close to me, at least to not let my streaming tears touch it. I hug it with my arms as if I am hugging her. I left everything, I want to forget. But in truth, I cannot. No, I do not want to forget. Even if it's painful, even if it's going to destroy me, even if I die from it, I want to always remember you... Maria...
I hugged the painting as I cower in my agony. Failing to realize for a short moment, for just one short moment, the feeling of someone lean on my back. A very gentle and soft feeling.
Blanche was it? Thank you. Wherever you are right now, I wish you well. May you find what you are looking for. Thank you for making me bring everything that I left behind.