I was sitting in the front row. Sweating from the summer heat, and the suit I was wearing made it no better. I felt sick to my stomach and extremely light headed. I held onto my chair because it felt like I could fall at any moment.
Though I was seated right next to her casket, I did my best to look ahead and not make eye contact. Instead I opted to look up at the angelic glass shining from the sunlight above me.
I felt guilty, ashamed, disgusted, and I wanted to be punished, but most of all I was afraid. I was afraid of receiving retribution for my actions, even though I deserved it.
"How are you sweety?" Her grandmother wheeled in front of me. Her wrinkled and weathered face looked exhausted, yet she still managed to flash a bright smile.
"..I'm fine." I muttered softly with my head down. I couldn't stand to look at her. I prayed desperately for my mom to come and take me away from there. I just wanted to go home and retreat into my shell, like I had been for the last two weeks before.
She placed a hand on my shoulder. "You're a good friend."
I jerked, almost knocking her hand away. God, I wanted to desperately swat her hand away. I wanted to jump on top of my seat and shout from the altar, 'it's my fault!' But, I didn't. I couldn't. Because I was.. I am a coward. I did nothing. I just remained seated.
"She.." Her grandmother choked. "Would be very happy that you showed up."
No, she wouldn't!
My heart thumped loudly, and my stomach twisted into a knot. I shrinked in my seat.
"Thank you for coming sweety…" She whimpered before having a full breakdown. Luckily someone wheeled her away to calm her down.
My skin crawled, and I clawed my seats. I desperately wished for it to be over.
I'm a fraud. A liar.
My eyelids fluttered before I opened them. I was back in my new world. My cheeks were stained with tears and burning. I was sitting on my butt resting against the wall behind me.
I looked over to the girl from the lobby and she was still twitching on the floor. I looked back to the bathroom and saw Jennifer still lying in the tub.
I can't… I can change things. I can.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone before dialing 911.
I grabbed the girl from the lobby and turned her on her side. I then headed to the bathroom.
My heart pounded inside of my chest, drowning out the operator on the line.
As bad as it is, I didn't want to see Jennifer. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. But, I trudged through it. I had to. This wasn't about me. It was about her.
With heavy steps and trepidation coursing through my blood, I slowly stepped inside of Jennifer's bathroom and stood over her.
It was getting hard to breathe, and my stomach twisted into a bunch of knots. I pushed the image of her lying in the casket to the back of my head. Each time it popped right back up. No matter how hard I tried to suppress it. After all these years it was finally back and refused to leave.
Shut up! Just forget it!
I gritted my teeth and plowed through it. I refocused on Jennifer.
She was halfway submerged inside of her tub with just a few bubbles floating around her. Her hair was slick with water and she was deathly pale and blue. And she looked…peaceful.
A knot formed in my stomach, but I shook it off.
I took a deep breath before reaching into the tub and pulling her out of the water. She was a little cold to the touch, but the water was still warm and I could feel her breathing very softly.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" My hands were shaking non stop and I was struggling to not pass out in her bathroom. "Okay..okay…"
I kept inhaling deep and slow breaths.
I have to get her wrist wrapped up.
I grabbed a few bath towels and tied a knot around her arms and covered her wrist. And then I made sure to wrap her up as well. It was already bad enough that me and someone else saw her in this state.
I held Jennifer close to my chest as the sound of sirens grew closer.
I was in a daze and barely remembered answering any questions once the paramedics arrived. Much less the cold walk home.
I cracked open the door and peeked inside. The house was dark and no one seemed to be awake.
I immediately headed to the bathroom and took a hot shower. I quietly let the steaming hot water pour all over me until I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was mind numbing, but it was miniscule in comparison to how I felt inside.
After stepping out of the shower, I walked over to the mirror. I took one hard look in the mirror, my tired and baggy eyes staring back. Old memories kept resurfacing and a few seconds later I averted my eyes.
I quickly left the bathroom and walked upstairs to my room and opened the door only to find…
"Hey.." Saya was lying on my bed and sat up as soon as she heard me enter the room. "Your mom was really pissed. I had to tell her that you spent the night at Jason's house." She groggily rubbed her eyes as I turned the light on and closed the door. "She's such a pain in the ass."
My chest ached as I looked at Saya. An uncomfortable feeling swirling inside of my chest. "Thank you."
I started walking towards Saya, not consciously, but as if my body was moving on its own volition.
Saya squinted her eyes a few times, adjusting to the light. "Are you okay?"
"..no." My eyes watered and I laughed pathetically. I stopped right in front of Saya as I stared down at her. "I'm not."
Saya looked as if she was going to say something, but I cut her off instead.
"Do you love me?" I already know what the answer is. I just need to hear it.
Saya's cheeks lit up and her lips curled into a thin soft smile. "I love you, Jeff."
Those words should have made me happy. I wanted them to make me happy. But, it stung. It hurt. Like an arrow to the heart. Despite all of her flaws and her warped sense of love; those words were a stark reminder of how unworthy I am to hear them. I shouldn't be loved by anyone. I don't deserve it. But…
Saya touched my hand, and that's when it exploded. "Je-"
I sealed her lips with my own.
I pushed her down onto the bed and held her wrist in place. I greedily invaded her mouth and latched onto her tongue.
My skin crawled and I felt sick to my stomach, but I didn't care. It felt too good. Like a drink of water in a dessert. The hole inside of me was being filled and I couldn't stop because it felt so damn good.
Her breath tickled my nose, and she smelled like honey fruit. The warmth of her body was transferred to me as she shifted underneath me. The way her skin felt against my own sent shivers up my spine. And I greedily indulged in it all.
Our lips were locked for who knows for how long. I finally separated my lips from hers, leaving a trail of saliva connecting us. Saya's cheeks were flushed and she was breathing hard, her ample chest rising and falling like a tide. She looked surprised and very worried, but before she could ask or say anything to me..
"Please." I gazed deep into her eyes. They were deep and dark, glowing in excitement and arousal. I could see my reflection and the tears falling down my face and onto her's. "Just be what I need you to be right now."
Saya averted her eyes for a moment, seemingly in deep contemplation.
"Please?" I repeated. "I don't want to talk, I don't want to think." I gently caressed her face and turned her to face me. "I need you, Saya. I love you."
Saya twitched as she released a gentle, 'ah.' Her eyes watered as she gazed into my eyes.
A smile came to my lips and I planted another tender kiss on her lips. She inhaled sharply before exhaling softly, entrusting her body to me. She gingerly returned my kiss with deep affection of her own. She passionately rolled her tongue with my own, while tenderly caressing my face and gently running her fingers through my hair and all over my body.
I was set ablaze from her affection. Disgust, filthiness, sadness, rage, hatred, regret and guilt. All felt unimportant and paled in comparison to the fiery passion I was enveloped in.
I removed my towel and she removed her shorts and shirt. After that, we melted into one another for the rest of the night.