Intro
The Game of Fate, First Love, is my first book published based on some true games.
Throughout this book you might read the word "kiss" a lot. Since I am Lebanese, we do not say Hi, or shake hands or hug. We say Hi with a kiss on the cheek (shush, sometimes even three).
And a lot of ******. Some ups and downs, some confidence, some love, some hate, sexiness and cringiness.
Please mind but enjoy them ;).
I really hope you enjoy this story and you are already much appreciated since you are reading this <3
Love,
Christa
I could feel my heart strings ripping apart, pain decreasing the lifeness that started from my heart to my toes to my head. Then it started feeling like hands upon my neck, choking the life out of me. But what they were really doing is choking the love out of me, the last bit of goodness in me.
He liked my body.
Him that liked my looks.
He loved messing around.
Him that really wanted and needed me.
So I started dating all of them, dating and dating all around. They thought they were playing me, till the ball hit my ground and I was the one playing them.
Years passed of being that type.
I wasn't a rare diamond. I was a diamond everyone had but little did they know that someone would look and see me shiny and pretty but as they got closer and closer, that someone would get bruised and see ugly things (after some fun).
BUUUTTT lets say that karma hit me in the face. Trust me getting revenge is not playing them, all it does is hurt you. I was healing from my past relationships in the wrong way, in the most toxic way.
I finally decided to stop playing around. To get my s*** together and become a strong independent woman. Living my life to the fullest, not caring about anyone or anything but only what makes me happy.
Step one of Ms. Independent wanna be was done. I got a job at a beauty salon, worked days and nights as I studied at my own pace.
Now, I still remain myself. Being the girl that just wants to live single,
live the clothes, live the clubs, drink, boys...
Everything.
Everything a taken woman misses.
So there was this night, all dressed up with the girls we entered the club. Coloured lighting and music were booming. The club was full of euphoria vibes. It was crowded from the lights, the drinks, the dancing and the smoke, no one could see the other-
but I saw him, there he was
….my eyes caught his eyes.
I ignored him and that little butterfly in my stomach. Ughh I hate admitting that but anyway.
He was coming our way. WAIT WHAT COMING OUR WAY?
Why would he even-
And BOOM
I got answers for the questions I asked myself. It turns out that he's my friend's boyfriend.
It felt like something crushed me after hearing that, was it me? Was it the drink? I don't even know peep!!
Me being the usual me, strong, not wanting boy issues or anything to do with them, a few weeks passed and I did not have any thoughts of him.
It was her birthday and we decided to throw a surprise , a girls night party. It was at one of the girl's house and luckily his house was just around the corner. She wouldn't answer her phone then smart me decided to go to his house and check if she was there.
I knocked on the door a few times.
No One.
No Reply.
Without thinking I just found myself knocking harder and harder with more anger.
The door opened and there he was. Dreamy eyes, messy hair, wearing neon shorts that defined his tanned skin tone, his perfume smell felt like a fresh breeze coming upon me.
She ruined the scene as she followed him to the door.
He stood there looking at me waiting for me to say a word… or probably thinking how stupid I am as I stood there staring, speechless into his eyes. Then I looked at her and told her to come with me because our girl needs us and it is really urgent.
As we walked back, again that feeling hit me, yet this time there was no drink, no smoke, nothing but pure feelings. I shook it off and continued my way.
I hated him,I could not even stand his name. I don't even know why. Even though he made me feel like I live on a dreamy island of love, but he was a boy, a man, a guy, a male or whatever it is, I hated them. Or now I would say I thought I hated him/them back then.
A little flashback, see why I do not want boys is because of earlier, old relationships. But I wanted to take him because she, YES SHE, "my friend", his girlfriend, she tried to kiss my ex and so on without caring that he was my boyfriend. And it did not just end with a kiss.!
But as they say, forgive and forget so that's what I did. But I desired adding a bit of revenge before I forget, " a cherry on top" as all say and I do not know if the cherry stayed on top or fell ,depending from what point of view you look.
A few months passed and the couple broke up. And guess what!? She cheated on him!! Like say whaaaaaat? He is the bad guy but all girls want him. He is the guy next door vibe, for a matter of fact he is the definition of the guy next door.
Back to my point, how the hell could she cheat on him?
Anyway she did and who did he come to talk to about it, ME. All the girls he knows HE DECIDED TO COME AND BRAG TO ME!!!
That second when he sat near my side was like the second I first saw him at the club. But this time it was different, it was me drowning in;
how shiny his eyes were.
How his lips moved as he spoke,
how he would bite them.
And
How he took a deep breath as he laid back stretching himself.
How his voice nearly broke as he spoke.
How his fingers would run through his dark chocolate brown hair.
I drowned in his sea so deep that I couldn't stand it.
I didn't know what hit me and I hugged him with a kiss on his cheek. I played with his hair till he nearly fell asleep.
We became good friends after that, like really good friends for months or even a year. Till he asked me out on an official date and started joking around that I'm his fiance.
It was nice, like come on I did have feelings for him and it just felt so good holding hands and joking about us being engaged.
One day we became official. It was my official first love. I have never felt that way. All I have been through before was nothing, silly young relationships with no feelings just messing around with others.
I had to move overseas but we did not want to break up. At the same time we did not want to stay together. The argument ended with us still being lovers but no goodbye.
So I went overseas and we were still together and it was amazingly perfect till one day, something happened.
He posted a photo with some other girl and jealousy hit me hard. Oh but we got over it , stopped messaging for a few days but then we were better than before.
Till one night something uglier happened. I myself made a mistake with another guy.
Dumb old me was getting back slowly.
All my social media and my phone number were burnt away.
We lost contact, we lost connection but did we lose what was between us?
Well yes for that time. I started speaking with others after a year and I bet you anything that he did too.
But everytime I would look at someone I would see him, when I touch someone I would feel him. When I closed my eyes it was like him in front of me. But then I would wake up feeling electrically shocked.
Years passed, a tad late to notice I was on the wrong track aye?!But to me it was never too late to turn back to God , focus on Jesus, myself, and my family.
Let me tell you about it, I was not and still am not a great person or a saint nor strictly religious. But I love Jesus and always have tried and will remain trying to follow him, word by word, step by step. It is hard but it is worth it, trust me. Believe it or not, he works miraculously. Every prayer of mine was answered at the right time. And sometimes it did not work out the way I wanted it to be, but it worked the way God wants it to be which is the greater and better way
Therefore I have some things to say to you and keep them in mind;
1. Ask for him, believe in him, pray for him and he will answer.
2. In the movie Jesus of Nazareth, Saint Joseph said that we use the ruler to keep lines straight just as God gave us rules to keep our life straight and a ladder to reach up to heaven by using tools, the tools of God.
3. Believe your needs and wants are to be answered if they are right for you. To believe that he himself is behind everything. Behind the good there is greater and behind the bad there is a lesson.
4. Never say you have no purpose. God created you for something even though it's a little thing. Because if not so, then why would he create and send you to this world?
5. What I also found out is that there is actually no need to worry about anything. Like seriously think about it, God has already planned it all for you. It's ok to worry a bit and maybe stress. But don't forget what I just said, because at the end God has already sorted everything out for you and planned all for your good before you were even born, "I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began"- Psalm 139:14-16
Prayers I Pray;
I know you have everything planned out and done perfectly behind that wall. But Jesus, I am getting tired and hurt breaking that wall, just please stay with me.
Saint Mary let me have the strength to handle anything that comes my way just like you, so as to be patient and know God's will and words.
Please give food to the hungry, health to the sick, peace to the world and forgiveness to sinners
I still remember it was a Tuesday night and I was with my cousin. Laying down on the bed, the both of us listened to songs as we stalked people. Nahhh jokes we were just having a look at people's stories and snaps...
" Look.At.Him!!"
I show her a picture of a guy, dark hair, mild skin colour, the perfect nose, red lips. Perfectly shaped eyes with the brows and the look he gave that created a photo roaring out confidence, masculinity and adventures.
"Ooouuu damnnn, get his number!!" she says.
Well say no more, I messaged the guy who posted this photo, and of course he is my friend from back home. I ended up getting his number. At first we did not message much but then we spoke and spoke, each day more than the day before. From one side of the world to the other.
I will admit that I got attached right away and it was kind of a weird thing for me, but I managed to get out of it, since I never thought of going back home for a living.
As any girl would do these days, I sent streaks on snapchat after getting it back and he was on my list. I would also send him a photo just for him, a random photo, a plain wall with saying hi, trying to get his attention back but he never replied.
Months passed without talking.
But one evening I was watching TV and -
* ring ring ring*
It was my best friend calling from back home !
There he was (the no reply guy), my bestie and her boyfriend…
" I want you to meet someone" she winked at me.
he ignores
"Hiii, yeah i already know him"
he ignores.
We spoke for a bit then ended the call.
I couldn't stand it, why would he do that? Why was he acting like strangers? I messaged him and things got better, well like they were before except my last words to him were
" I promise when I come back home in 2 years we will meet face to face".
Again, we cut off each other after that.
Over the months I got tired of being strong, I felt broken and I needed a shoulder to lie on. I prayed to God that he would send me some guy, just to see if that is really what I need or not, I remember my prayer word for word
" God, Jesus, I just feel so tired and I feel like having a boyfriend, a shoulder to lie on might be right, please send me someone just for two months. It's fine, I want nothing more than that. Just to see if that's what I really need"
Not even a week, a "boy" who is younger than me by a year or less said that he likes me , he wants to date me blablabla… and so we did date. Things were amazing, I did not keep anything that bothered me inside of me. He listened to me, he cared for me, he watched me fall asleep over the phone and handled all my mood swings.
We did lots and lots of things together, the good and the bad. But slowly the bad actually overcame the good. Physical bad, mental bad,spoken bad, everything bad. I always felt that there was something wrong, but thought it was right.
He then broke up with me without any reason. I ended up knowing that he was peer pressured too and not just that, but he would also show our pics, my pics to his "boys".
I stopped believing in love, like is love actually a thing? or is it just a feeling we are taught to feel and normalized to know?
I recalled my prayer, and it was exactly two months. I knew Jesus was trying to tell me something all throughout but I kept ignoring. I did not need him or his relationship, not any relationship or boy love. I just needed Jesus's love , my family and I.
Jesus did not mean to hurt me of course, he was just showing me that I did not need this relationship, teaching me a lesson. Or maybe another girl would've been too weak to handle such embarrassments, harassments or whatever are the things I went through with him, in and after the relationship. But he has given me a blessing to handle it.
Step two of being Ms.Independent was not easy. I was surrounded by work and many people, friends and family but always felt alone. I laughed, I smiled, I graduated, I went places and came back but on the inside, things were the total opposite from what people saw.
To get my s*** together. I decided to go back home after two years. Cruising around the town with some others, without even thinking words just came out of my mouth,
"Hey you know Adam" I questioned
"Sure I do" he replied with a curious tone
" Can you please call him and say someone wants to see you that came from overseas, but do not mention any name or gender, or from where, nothing"
He called him, no reply guy. He said the same exact words without giving a hint. But he knew it was me and told us where to meet him.
We met face to face, we spoke, we laughed as if nothing had happened. The second he left everyone noticed the shine in my eyes fading as I watched him leave.
BUTTT GUESSS WHAAATTT!!!!
He did not leave without giving me a sweet kiss on the cheek. He looked back and saw me looking at him,
"You want a goodbye kiss don't you" he walked back to me, kissed and left.
We spoke night and day after that.
Sadly, a month after that it was time for him to leave for a while for army training. I would miss him and so would he, but he wouldn't admit it. Even though he did not have his phone, I still messaged him telling him what I wore, what I did, what I ate and wishing he was fine.
A week passed after that, but I was meeting up with friends and getting distracted so I didn't feel the gap much.
One night we decided to go out. Adam was still at training but I still went out with others. I got dressed up and left the house saying bye to ma and pa.
I walked into the resto cafe smiling, excited to see my friends again.
And there he was.
Who the hell does he think he is, the club guy, the guy before I went overseas is who I am talking about, Nathan.
HE KNOWS I AM HERE, HE IS SITTING WITH THEM even with his ex which was from my friends,
LIKE WHO EXACTLY-
WHAT SPIRIT -
WHAT PERSON TOLD YOU I WANT TO SEE YOU. I thought to myself.
I felt something deep in my heart. All I wanted was to hug him no matter how angry I was, but I stayed strong. I passed near him without saying a word ,as if he was not there and sat on the couch in front of him.
All he spoke about was about the people who live overseas and that he wants to move overseas. I could not stand not interacting with the conversation, this specific topic just heats me up.
" So you think going overseas, out of nowhere will be better than here" I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
"Well of course so, you live overseas and you know" he replied.
" It is not what you think it is, it is not how you see it. Depression, loneliness, feeling like an alien astray is really not what you want. Working day and night just to pay off rent and taxes. Being away from your family, having a broken family due to that, is not what you want" i argued.
" Well, my girlfriend ....-She makes money that is all to herself, no depression, no brok-" he argued back.
The second he said girlfriend I felt a shiver then a hot boiling bucket all over me. I spaced out then came back to him continuing his point of view.
" Well your girlfriend has probably been there since birth, her friends and family, all are there. So obviously she would have a different view to that" with a strict tone I cut him off at "broken".
He did not say a word after that. Each of us went back home after a cup of tea.
We all went together again another day but Mr.Army ( Adam) was off training. I still went without him and enjoyed the hangout. But he insisted on knowing where I was going and with who, so I told him.
My friends and I met up at the same cafe we always would.
Mr.Business (Nathan) and I were sitting down side by side but we faced the chairs to each other.
"Why don't you want us like before" he asked
"You know what, I am going to be totally honest with you, there is someone else and I am lost between you two." I answered
" Who is he anyway? What does he have that I do not? You know what I have, he does not even have 1% of them. We'll build a house anywhere you want. I'll make you live like a mafia boss, a queen, you don't have to work. Everything and anything you want just comes to you. I'll make the world a ring on your finger." He's tone was raised.
Before I had the chance to say a word, my "friend", his ex, told him who the second guy was. He laughed and made fun out of it.
As he continued being silly, I looked to my right side and I saw Adam as he came up the stairs and it felt like I was in a dream.
I shrieked in shock, excited and stood up for him. He acts so cool saying hi to everyone even to Nathan. But Nathan held his phone and keys in aggressiveness and left the café.
I called and called but he wouldn't answer and when he did reply, his reply was
"Where he is, I won't be. When he leaves let me know".
Adam remained cool. Not caring what happened, he did not even question but opened other convos.
Anyway that day passed, and other hangouts came at the same cafe, some were good, but some were awful.
That day we all were sitting again but with some extra people like my first ex that I mentioned earlier (the one who cheated on me with "my friend" )who decided to come say hi and sat with us.
Nathan was there too. We sat next to each other on the couch with a blanket on our laps next to the chimney. Adam also today decided to pop up.
Everyone stood up for him saying Hi but for Nathan, he did not even put his hand out or move his eyes or lips. Five minutes in he kissed me on the cheek, said goodbye and left. I spent the whole time next to Adam and when the others left we stayed.
I felt something different, something new, something more than just butterflies.
A whole f***** zoo when he got closer to me, how he put his arm behind me on the chair and how he starred into my lips as I spoke.
We took our first pictures together and sat laughing at how we used to be when I was overseas. After that we went for a drive in town then he dropped me off at home.
I stayed up all night and so did he. I was messaging both Adam and Nathan. But the difference is that Adam played a bit hard to get whereas Nathan showed some desperate feelings.
Adam went to training again. But this time I barely messaged him.
My family and I went out for lunch. I came back home to one message from Adam which was weird. He usually messaged at least a few.
" why haven't you been messaging me"
"OMG HI you came back"
" no photos of what you wore or what you ate, no I hope your fine"
" to do this, this means that there is someone else your life now"
" a person that loves the other messages and won't cut off the other like that. And for a person that misses the other it would be nice to come back home and read messages from that person"
" do you mean you miss me"
"Is that your answer"
"That's the point of your argument. Anyway, look to be honest there is someone else"
"great!"
A few days passed, and I did not go anywhere or speak to anyone. I felt so down but at the same time thinking that I should not feel this way. Why am I even having feelings!?
I held my phone, if not five or nearly ten times. I opened on the chat with him, he is online, I know he is back home from training. I would type then delete, type type, delete delete…. I finally messaged him.
"Hey!"
"Hi"
"You're off training yeah? How was it"
"Good"
"What are your plans today"
"Not much, you?"
" going out with two of my friends and her boyfriend might come"
"Enjoy then"
Seeing how "dry" he was. It was my turn now so I ended the convo, I did not even reply. Why would he act that way? Does he know who I am… or is it me? I change around him. I forget all my past and my promises and the rules I have set to myself.
After a few hours, it was time to go. I left the house, picked up my mates and we went to a resto-cafe. While we were eating I got a notification from Adam telling me that he's downstairs.
I got my bag and went. He was so rude and cool he kissed me on the cheek, not a random hello but our typical greeting as usual. I asked if he is alone or with friends.
"Two girls and my mate" he smirked
" Oh nice, double dates eh?" My tone was serious and I walked away.
He held my hand and pulled me back
He laughed and said "your ex, his girlfriend and our friend. Not a double date at all". So, one of those "boys" I messed around with is his bestie, yay. Anyway, I sarcastically smiled at him and went to my girl and her boyfriend, so I passed next to him and he did not even recognize me while Adam walked behind me and stood next to him.
I turned around and found Adam laughing making hand gestures that gestured that he did not recognize you. I could not resist not laughing. Like come on if you spent like three months with someone would you not recognize him/her?
I pulled out a chair and sat.
" omg were you with him" my friend whispered, shaking my shoulder out of place of excitement.
"relax, we just said hi" I smiled,
"Well he's looking at you"
I looked up and saw him looking straight at me. He gestured his hand and told me to come so of course I did. Why wouldn't I, I wished upon every second to be next to him.
I got home, threw my bag on my bed and threw myself after it. And I thought to myself,you know how Nathan knew about Adam. I told him, but Adam, he knew about Nathan himself. He is a smart one and knew how to tie knots and here is how it happened.
" You looked pretty today." he messaged.
" So I do not look pretty everyday. Is that what you mean? B**** please i always do" obviously I really did not mean to be rude but I was just feeling myself you know, feeding my ego a bit.
As we used to, we had an all-nighter. He led me to admitting that I wanted him but also Nathan had a part of me.
I thought he didn't have the same feelings, but he would always go places I would be at and he would mention future things involving the both of us.
What's funny is that they both know about each other, legit.
It was the 5th of January and we decided to go out with the same group, of course without Adam, he was a whole other group himself.
This time we chose another place to go. A restaurant in the woods, a big view next to a chimney, have some Arab pizza, tea to get ourselves warm enough, you know just some traditional vibes.
Sitting down at the table, I felt a leg moving up and down mine under it. I look down then up and I see him giving me a smirk.
What was he even thinking? Like was that meant to be something? Or should it mean something to me? Or make me feel him? Like seriously I am fricken (excuse my language) wearing a whole other layer under my jeans, I am not in the mood for you plus I have spent years trying to get over you. No matter how many guys I spoke to, like just please stop.
I physically ignored and moved my leg back. Not one minute later, without noticing I put my legs forward and he started again. So I just let him go on with it, and started to feel and get what he means with it. Having our cup of tea, a mate of mine, who gave me Adam's number, opened up the past asking what happened to the both of us. He did not answer and that pissed me off.
" Nothing, there was not even a thing between us" I strictly said but then smiled and sipped my tea.
Nathan looked at him and then looked at me and scoffed.
" I lost your number, give it to me again so we can talk." He said.
So I did and he named me Wifey. So proud of himself he showed me.
He got me again, I was lost in his woods, imprisoned in his prison AGAIN. All the self talk I had, PUFF, disappeared, evaporated, went out of existence even.
Ma called me saying that pa will come to bring me back home in five since they are going out. So that did happen.
I was taking my clothes off and - dripdrop. I moved to my bed and grabbed my phone. A message from nathan.
"Call Me". So I did.
His first words were; " You stopped messaging me why"
" I did not stop, I told you my socials got hacked and my number stopped working because it was an overseas number and-"
He cuts me off saying "I know, and you said when you get a number you will contact me"
" First of all let's not open the past. Well I did and didn't message, now leave me alone. . You think of naming me wifey, playing around, your leg up on mine, like you have got me back. Well no you haven't Nat, I mean Nathan. Grow up and get back to your girlfriend that you've been speaking about since I saw you again" I felt my heart shaking and my voice would crack any second so would the doors of my eyes that would let my tears out.. He has got me back since the second we started hanging out again. It hurts, it hurts being lost, it hurts remembering after all that he has a girlfriend that's probably thinking all is fine and she is the only one. It hurt remembering the past. I was just tired of being strong, I was tired of all I have been through and I do not want more than that.
It is time for some real s*** already.
" Oh really, me being with you and not with her, getting upset because you are not choosing me, and yes I said choosing me because you are playing with us like one of your dolls just the way you were played before me. Asking why you did not message, standing up when you walked in even though you legit broke me as you walked past like I do not even exist and you are telling me to go to her, do you not understand that i want you?" He was actually yelling at this point
" who the actual f*** Do you think you are? Get your facts right before you speak to me. I played and never got played before you. If one or two played me, that does not mean what you said. And that was ages ago, that was old me that is dead now. I am trying to get real now. Thinking we might be the real ones turned out no." my voice lowered and began to break.
" I am coming, meet me outside in five minutes" he said.
I answered by saying that I have a headache and that I am sleeping in bed but he insisted. "Well I'll bring you medicine and we'll sit in my car and talk bebe" his tone lowered and started getting softer and the word bebe kills me every time he says it to me.
But no, I didn't allow him to get me this time. After what he said and the way he spoke to me. NO WAY he wins, the person who will talk to me like, God has not sent him on this earth yet " No, and do not even dare to think of thinking coming near my house, because I promise you, I promise you will see something that will not like" I ended the call.
*ring ring*
"Hey Adam" I answered the call.
" are you crying" he sounded extra suspicious.
I did not answer.
" what you doing home, I saw you a while ago with Nathan and those friends of yours"
" Why did you not come down and say hi then. Or called me, I would have went out of the restaurant to see you, you know that"
" I did not want to bother you, plus I am with my cousins so yeah"
" It sounds so quiet, are you okay?"
"Yeah i am fine, home alone with my brother and cousins baby sitting" I laughed
" haha enjoy that then, take care yeah?"
" I will, same goes"
"knock knock"
I open the door fearing it to be Nathan.
" Surprise" it was Adam!
" heyyy" I hugged him and led him inside.
Now it was obvious I was not fine and that I was crying. So, we spoke and I told him everything and he understood. He made me laugh and foger all about it.
I was being silly so I stick my tongue out
" I told you the next time you do that, I'll bite it" he smirked
I laughed " Bite it" I stuck my tongue out
There was a second of silence, he starred into my eyes. I leaned in to kiss him…
" I… I can not do it" I moved back and my phone rang.
It was Nathan, I decided not to answer and turned my phone to the screen faced downwards so Adam would not see.
Then it rang again. He took the phone, looked at it and gave it to me. I answered
" Bebe you ok now?" he questioned
"I think it's a migraine not a typical headache, I just need some rest, night" I said. But at the same time I began thinking that oh my God, what if Adam thinks that I lie to him that way or any other way.
" That's it I'm com-"
" No. my parents aren't home and I don't want any trouble please, I promise tomorrow we'll speak about everything" I cut him of.
He agreed and ended the call.
"Why don't you just end it with him" he angrily said
" I… ugh I don't know"
He laughed at me. Of course he will. Anyone will, like it is time to end it with him is it not?
We moved on to another conversation but then it ended.
He laid back on the couch and his phone rang. It was his cousin asking him if he's still taking long so they leave and come pick him up later. He said YES. Well that was a surprise, he threw the phone away and laid back as I sat with my legs under me and laid my head back to.
He leaned in and kissed me. I could feel the kiss from my lips to my bones. Without even knowing I was on his lap. He put his forehead on mine, smiled and hugged me, " I love You".
That second my eyes went wide open.
What did I just say?
I love You?
That quick?
What was I thinking?
What about Nathan?
What about me leaving in a few days?
I let it go and didn't say anything again. We spent another hour full of just passion and love.
Before he left, he told me to prove myself that I am different from the rest. I asked him what he meant and how I could do that. He said that it's my job, to act myself and be natural.
The day before he left for training and two days before I left back overseas. He risked it, not telling me, he came to my house and knocked on the door. Not knowing who would open that door, but God was with us I know it, my parents were out. He was not able to say a word. He had tears in his eyes and a ghost of sadness choking us so hard we could barely breathe. I heard him breathing heavily, I heard the words he wanted to say even though he did not open his mouth. He held me so tight, more than I was ever held and he left.
A year passed of 12,222 km and 7,594 miles of air distance between us. But I couldn't resist it, one night Nathan messaged, "checking up on me" and we started speaking again. I thought I had finished all that hanging on strings, well I kind of was done with it but still something twinkled inside of me, tangling my thoughts.
I decided to be totally honest with Adam and tell him that Nathan and I are messaging again, but just friends and that he was telling me how his company is losing and such. He was kind of fine with that.
I was not lying at all, that is how Nathan and I actually became. Just friends.
My feelings for him faded away day by day till they died. Life became much easier, I felt so free.
Till one day everything was normal and Nathan reached a point where he threatened me that he would hurt Adam and that he is very capable of it. It got me so scared, worried, angry I don't know what feeling. The second I read those words, all I felt was a hot wave from head to toes and that I would blank out any second. I had to tell Adam, I do not keep anything from him this might hurt him, it might hurt me but I had to tell him. He calmed me down, spoke to me that Nathan was just saying words, he can not do anything and he went on and on till I was back
I blocked Nathan on everything after that.
Adam and I opened a new white, blank page
Moving on a few months, that white page started getting black again.
Old me started haunting me. I began meeting up with other guys, going to movies and having lunch with other guys. One day my friend, her boyfriend, another guy and I decided to go and watch a horror movie. It felt so tempting to just snuggle and watch that movie but I tried my best not to.
(I was once at a birthday and there was this really hot guy that wanted a kiss and yet I didn't, just for the sake of Adam. I guess resisting to snuggle with this guy won't be that hard).
But I don't know why, I don't know how, the movie ended up with us kissing.
I tried to hide it from Adam, one week, two weeks but then it just got too much that the flashback was living within me. Causing guilt to crawl up all over my mind. Therefore, I told him. I threw the blame on the guy, saying that I fell asleep during the movie and he kissed me. But then, a few days later, I told him the truth.
He forgave me. What drove me crazy was that his love was just so strong that he forgave me….
Later on that year , I was getting weak and felt like giving up several times. My family had no idea and the fear of them knowing at the wrong time was killing me alive. I am usually very close with them. Especially Ma, like if I ever promise not to tell anyone their secret, that does not, absolutely not include not telling Ma. I actually do not know why I felt that not telling them would be better. Anyway, he didn't allow that to happen. He had faith in us, he believed that the long distance will start getting shorter and shorter and one day I will come back.
Thoughts will take me away and bring me back.
"I won't be coming back anymore and it's better for us to break up before we get even more attached," I said.
He knew that was not the right thing to do, and that I would come back, and everything would fall into the right place just at the right time. But I was just so stubborn and asked for a break just for me to think and get my thoughts together. Even though I didnt believe in breaks and thought it was a dumb thing.
It was hard, I could not stand two hours without messaging him. Oh Love!We still had our ups and downs, but things got better, and it was proven that our love was strongest and distance was just a number.
Still going with faith, I did come back home. I would lie and risk going to see him and my parents never caught me.
I would stay with my cousins to see him, I would wear jumpers, hats, and glasses so as not to be easily noticed around town when i'm with him in his car or getting down from my cousin's car to his car.
Anyway, it did not take much time for me to tell my parents. It was hard since Ma was against me but luckily, Pa was with me. First time meeting my parents went just as I wanted. The second time, the third... all the time... just so amazing. The trust between us and my parents was just the most amazing blessing down from heaven.
We lived like a family of trust and love.
I started working harder, double shifts or even double jobs, while Adam started working harder with side jobs. We opened our little business making gifts, selling perfumes and makeup.
I loved writing but designing dresses was my thing. I would sit late at night in my free time and draw. My dream was that one day those drawings would become reality.
After 3 years, it was finally the big day. The day of opening my dressing line. Advertisements were all over the place, on streets from the north to the south, east to west, in shops, grocery shops and restaurants.
Now I looked stunning, my hair and makeup done, wearing a customized dress I have done for myself. I fell in love.
He came from behind me...
" You ready?" asked Adam as he kissed me on my shoulder. He wrapped his arm around my waist and turned me around pushing me closer to him with a kiss on my forehead.
With my voice shivering "Yes, I guess"
In Front of hundreds of people I presented my brand, my collections and how it all happened in my speech.
Thank you all for joining me tonight.
Allow me to start by saying that writing this speech was harder than writing an eight page essay back at the HSC table, but here it goes anyways.
I would of course like to Welcome you to the opening of Artista. Artista is a formal Lebanese dressing line specializing in experience of little works of scribbling and doodling into sketched fashion to the final project of today. Specializing in bringing imaginations and dreams to reality with your customisations and alterations. Starting off with our first dropped collections of formal dresses, Mermaid, Cupcake, Straps and Cocktail.
"I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be"
That specific lyric by Josh Groban speaks of the inspiration of the name Artista. So that specific person taught me that this is my life and I am to choose. Are these 12am, after beauty salon work and studies for a double BA dress drawings be brought to life or are they just to remain in the file no purpose just like I was.
So Artista comes from combining the founder's name, Christa with the name of the person who has always had my back, my boyfriend's name Artimos.
Founded in 2021 we aim to provide looks that will make heads turn, eyes pop out and jaws drop as you walk in. Not to mention girly gossips and men smirks.
Let's drink in fashion. To love from us to you
Raising a toast as I walked between friends, family, people I know and some that I don't. I looked across the room and my eyes caught Nathan's eyes. I turned my head right away, continuing the conversation with the others.
Smiling and going on with my tour he comes up to me.
" cheers" and he moves on. I felt my heart drop that moment and I stood in shock for a second. Years have passed, without seeing a photo of him,without listening to his voice, without any news about him, not a single word.
"Baby you ok" Adam's voice echoed in my ears, from behind. I felt that I was about to collapse.
I took a deep breath and…
" Nathan is here" I said under my smile.
He did not answer but I felt his hand get warmer and anger blushed on his face.
" lets just forget it and continue our night. Can we? We have been waiting for this night for ages" I begged, afraid that any fight might happen. Thankfully, he agreed with me. He loosened his tie a bit and walked.
A few hours later the party ended,
" oh s*** I forgot my purse" I stressed.
"I will go in" he turned around to go up the stairs.
"No no. I will go, meanwhile go get the car" I went on.
I remembered my purse was backstage, so I went right away and grabbed it.
As I was leaving, I did not see or feel anything but someone grabbing me.
He grabbed me and pushed me straight to the wall. One hand on the wall and the other still grabbing my waist.
I pushed him and kicked him as I tried to escape but nothing worked. He held my hands together with more pressure and locked them above me and pressed his waist down on me, I could not even move my foot. His other hand ran on my face to hold the back of my neck as his lips were on my ear.
" You are mine, just know and always remember that, that's all i wanted to say" Nathan's warmth was getting into my blood as his cold yet warm breath slid on my neck.
" I never was and never will be you know that"
His lips gently moved towards mine as his body loosened my lock. I tried again to push and get away from him but failed. His hand formed a choker necklace around my neck and pushed my head towards the wall. Again his eyes fully closed in pleasure, his lips gliding to mine
" just one kiss, at least"
I kicked him on the-
Well you know where. I had no other choice.
He moved automatically and got distracted with pain. I took my heels off as I started to run faster and faster throughout the hall.
As I ran down the stairs but looking behind me I bumped into Adam coming up.
"What's wrong, what took you so long you ok? Why are you running?"
I look behind me and find Nathan leaning on the wall outside.
Look at us with no shame.
Unfortunately, Adam saw him and went up to him so fast I couldn't even hold him back.
He raised his hand up for a punch but then stopped
" you know what" he put his hand down. " I won't get my hands dirty for you, stay away and one more time you bother her, come near her, or just walk on the same ground she is on, breath the same air that she is breathing I will hurt you"
Nathan scoffed, then burst with laughter.
He held my hand aggressively and we walked to the car in a rush.
He opened my door and slammed the door shut behind me. I could still see Nathan smirking at us. The way he laughed as if nothing happened.like was he drunk? Was he going cray cray? Or was that a normal reaction?
Adam drove fast, as his jaw was clenched. I could see it from his beard, his intense eye look, furrowed brows and heavy breathing.
I held his hand and laid on his shoulder.
" Did he touch you? Did he hurt you? What did he say?"
" I was getting my purse then out of nowhere he just comes at me pushing me to the wall saying I am his and…"
" AND WHAT" he slammed the driving wheel.
" He said to give him one kiss at least" The words rushed out of my mouth.
The car went full stop. We sat for two minutes, no words, no eye contact, he only starred out of the window. I turned his face to me.
"Adam, Baby. You know how much I love you, I promise you that Nathan means nothing to me. And if he did after what happened back there he means s***. No sorry s**** means more than him. Adam you're my everything, my heart, my soul. After a week is our official engagement. After a year, one year exactly from that day, it will be our wedding day. I can not wait to wake and sleep near your side, drink and eat with you morning and night and have a family" I spoke and spoke on and on.
He kissed my hand "No words can explain how much I adore you and what you mean to me".
He dropped me off at home with a goodbye kiss.
I was walking down the aisle, wearing my dreamy wedding dress as Adam waited for me. Pa hands me to him and goes, we sit and our wedding starts…
"You may kiss the bride"
The people behind us roared with laughter, applause and happiness.
We walked out the church with the drums in front of us and people on our sides dancing and clapping for us.
All of a sudden Adam gets shot and falls in my arms. Our white wedding became one bloody one.
" I love you" he took his last breath
I woke up crying, my shirt wet with sweat and tears. What the actual F***, what was this dream?!
I took my phone and called him immediately. Before he said any word I cried out his name and rushed saying my dream. He was obviously fine
" It's just a dream babe, do not worry. You have probably watched to many serieses or read to many books lately"
We laughed. But the truth was that I actually have not. Since I have been lately busy with my dressing line, the opening, the party and so on.
I look at the time after we end the call and notice the date.
S***!! I jumped out of bed and ran out of the room. It was my engagement day. I got dressed, grabbed my bag and keys and headed to the door.
" Morning princess, where are you going so early?" Ma said as she walked out the kitchen.
" Ma I am in a rush, I still have some shopping to do, come back, help you do the goods, decorate outside and ughh" I walked to her hugged her and left the house.
So I did my shopping and helped Ma. It was time to move outside.
Some lights, lantern balloons, green plants, the bar, and the backdrop. Black tables and chairs with some more green, emerald colour and a sprinkle of gold.
"Stunning!!" I sighed
The engagement part was amazing, just our families and some really close friends. We danced, we ate then danced again, we cut the cake, put our engagement rings on, popped the champagne and splashed the fam bam. It was just a night to remember.
After 363 days, It was two nights away from my wedding day.
I went out for some late shopping as I usually do. Walking around I see a black huge jeep, I do not know what brand it parked in front of me. Now I don't know why I felt something scary so I decided not to go that way. I turned around and went the other way.
It speeds to me and parks by me. Things happened at a blink of an eye where two tall armed men with face coverings go down and point at the people as one takes me into the jeep.
He takes off his face and unbuttons his shirt,
" Do you believe now that you're mine? That I am capable of everything?"
"You know I'm not afraid of you right? All you have to do is just take me back to where you took me from" I sat back and crossed my arms,
" Your wedding is in two days huh" sarcastically.
"What are you?" my tone raised. "How do you know all this?" I tried to remain calm.
" I know everything" he claimed as he folded his shirt up to his elbows, " but I guess you do not. I want you"
" what do you want from me " I hissed
He stood up and came across to me, "You. Your eyes, to me. Your lips, to me. Your body, to" he demanded with a strict tone.
I slapped him before he said me. I mean, I can not control my hand right?
" Do you know what your man's file and army numbers are?" he asked me.
" We both know these are secretive things" I laughed sarcastically.
He smiles and plays with his gun, "Well its ******" still looking at his gun, smiling and threatening with his eyes.
My tears at the door , so scared.
He again comes to my side and sits near me. I turn my face and look outside the window.
" I won't hurt him" he clenches his jaw and speaks, holding me by mine. "I can't hurt him because of you, for you. If you love someone you can't see them hurt, can you?" he quickened and took deep breaths in between. His words ran through my blood causing me goosebumps.
Now, I saw his tears shining in his eyes, he bit his lips and looked away wiping the tears that dropped down.
" stop the vehicle" it stopped. " Get down, congrats from now" he kept his face away. I stayed in my place and did not move, I could not just leave now.
He looked at me
"Nathan... I put my hand on his face"
He snuggled his face in my hand, held it and gave it a smooth kiss.
" Drive back to where we got her," he said, holding my hand and placing it on his lap.
They took me back to where my car was.
I laid on his shoulder the way back .
"Never forget me" he said and laid his head on mine.
As the car parked, he held my cheek, starred into my eyes, then looked at my lips,and looked into my eyes.
He leaned in...
" Get the f*** down," he calmly, aggressively, romantically insisted as he turned his face away.
I was speechless.
I walked to my car wiping off the little drops. I got in my car and swam in my tears with a blanked put mind.
I grabbed my phone and called Adam " where are you"
" Are you crying? I'm home" he replied
" I'm coming" I ended the call.
I recalled everything to him. He spaced out then turned to me," Are you going to leave me? Leave us after everything?"
" Of course not, no I would never. You are my everything you know that" I hugged him tight heart to heart. " It is just what happened hitting me, like for a second I felt I'll never see anyone again, I will never see you again. Then when he took off his face, I knew he would not hurt me and he did not. It hurts to be in such a place right now. Everytime, things start getting better he just pops us with his feelings and plays again." My mood started changing, I began to get angrier.
I was not sad anymore. Instead I am just mad because that is it. I am over him for good I thought, then he comes back acting like this. Things were getting dangerous, mentally, heartly and physically like the way he took me away.
"Babe, if he makes you happy then -"
" Do not even go on Adam"
" i would kill to see you happy, you know that"
I nodded my head, grabbed his hands and got him off the couch. " You know what, in two days it is our wedding, it is our time to start our family and the days we have dreamt about since years ago. Nothing has happened. Can we go with that. I promise you he will never show up again, he said it."
A bit of ons and off and things went fine after five minutes. We spent the two days before our wedding dancing, singing, and going wild crazy.
" Wake up our beautiful bride!!!!!!!" Ma and all my girls and aunties woke me up. With croissants, juice and chocolate in their hands. With the photographer! ( tip: start sleeping with pretty PJ's the whole week before your wedding, ESPECIALLY on the day ;) )
Like seriously it was 6AM!!! We ate then took some photos before the makeup and hair artists came over.
Now all was done, hair, makeup, all dressed up and photos done.
I walked down the aisle wearing my dream wedding dress holding my fathers arm. I could see Adam's eyes full of excitement. So were mine except my dream was running in my mind, crawling up to my mind leaving shivers behind.
Pa and I reached Adam, he and Adam hugged their manly hug and Pa gave me to Adam hand by hand and left to sit next to Ma. Adam took the veil off my face and happy tears dropped on his. He kissed my forehead and the wedding went on and finished amazingly.
We went out of church and roses fell on us as people applauded and sang to us.
After that people went to their homes for a rest while we took our pictures. Then we headed off to our celebration. Each of us entered from a side at a song determined to the bride then to the groom. After that the Lebanese drum Show, the Tabel, fireworks, lantern flying, dancing, eating, traditions and the party went on till 3 a.m.
Just the way I imagined my wedding to be ever since I was young.
We got home after a long night and you know the rest.
I woke up hugging a pillow, for a second I thought it was all a dream. I put my robe on and got out of the room. I opened the door and saw the corridor full of soft pretty red rose petals that lead to the dining room.
" Good morning gorgeous" he kissed and swirled me, "have a seat".
After a year of travels, vacations, fun, parties, ups and downs but most importantly love, I found out I am pregnant. The hardest part was hiding it till i'm 100% sure. After a month and a bit we hit his birthday and my pregnancy was insured. He was at work and came home to find a box with the tests, an echo photograph and a white baby shoe.
After eight months, our baby boy was born, his name; Nathaniel
Knowing Nathan would be my favourite number one song.