Another coffee wouldn't have been bad. I was feeling confused because of Connor's looks, because they were turning off everything I was sure of, like the fact that I didn't want to be related to anyone.
I took a few coins and I made my way out of the room, going to the vending machines. I put the coins in the hole and I pushed the button. I was just hoping that a stupid hot drink could bring all of my bad vibes.
I heard some steps coming towards me, but I didn't check who it was. I was too busy drinking my coffee. Someone rested with his arm on the vending machine. I recognized who it was when I looked at his big and perfect hands. Neither my conscience could approve the thoughts I was feeling about those hands.
I lifted up my gaze and I saw him. The one I didn't want to meet, but I was secretly hoping to meet. His gaze was still on me, and I started to feel a little embarrassed, without letting him see it. I was good at hiding emotions, and he didn't seem to be so clever to realize it.
"Usually, the girls I meet are always the ones who come back to me." He smiled. "They can't stay away from me." He said with an absolute nonchalance.
I smiled too. "I'm sorry for standing here, drinking a coffee, instead of falling on my knees for you." I joked. "I hope you'll forgive me, otherwise, guilt could kill me." I threw away the plastic glass in the trash, giving Connor my attention again.
His lower lip was trapped in his perfectly white teeth, and it caused a thrill inside me. "You'll make it up to me." He cut, blocking me between the wall and his body. My breath was leaving my body and the space between us was always smaller. He moved away one of my hair locks and he put his lips on my neck, leaving some kisses.
I couldn't afford being vulnerable. Not like that. Not at that moment. Despite my efforts, with those lips on my neck I was catatonic. He realized it, he knew I was liking that, and ignoring my attempts to get him off me, he continued kissing me. I brought my head back, panting, but I regained clarity and I pushed him off me.
"What are you trying to do?" I warned him, pretending to be angry. On his lips a grin appeared, and he crossed his arms.
"Don't act like you don't want me." He said. "You don't even need to admit it, I heard you panting." I cursed myself, because I betrayed my own person. I couldn't deny it, but I couldn't let him have this satisfaction.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, china, but no. It's not like that." I smiled, recomposing myself. "I'm not like other girls you're used to. I don't come back after meeting you just to have the privilege of sucking your dick or to have the joy of having sex with you. I respect myself, and most of all, I can handle myself." Telling him those things was making me feel better and my self love came back to me. "Moreover, you're slightly surprising me. We've been knowing each other for an hour, and you already wanna do things under the sheets with me." I said.
He nodded his head. I was just this. An adventure. "Yeah, I'd like to." He said. "And you know why?" I shook my head. "Because I don't care about you, I don't care about your problems and I don't care about the reasons why you don't sleep at night. But you've impressed me since the first moment I've looked at you." He explained. His mean behaviour was deeply exposing something. No one ever said that to me. He didn't care about knowing me, but he wanted to have an affair. Nothing more, nothing less.
"If you're just interested in an affair and you're not interested in talking, why don't you go to my co-worker Nicole?" I suggested. "That girl is so stupid she doesn't even know how many men she's having an affair with." I said, trying to go away. I couldn't stay there.
Connor had his eyes still on me. "If I wanted an easy woman, I would have gone to her in the first place. Don't you think so?" He wasn't stupid. "Nicole's nothing. She doesn't tell me anything. You are… a mystery, Tracy." His lower lip ended up again between his teeth.
"Why are you always biting your lip? God." I pretended to be irritated. "You're a lost cause. Do you really think it will melt me down?" I asked him.
His face was still close to mine. The only things I could think about were his lips. I wanted to kiss him, but my mind was telling me no. My temper and my shield were forbidding me to do it.
"I don't give a fuck about melting you down." He muttered, and I had nothing else to do. His lips touched mine, giving life to a soft and innocent kiss. When I was about to push him off me, I heard a voice calling him.
Connor got away from me immediately. It wasn't a great kiss, but he was unsatisfied. A few moments later, we saw Lawrence coming towards us from the hallway. He didn't see us, fortunately. Despite this, I couldn't stop thinking about his lips. They were plump, so kissable.
"Connor, c'mon. Dan's waiting for us." Lawrence called him back. "I'm sorry for interrupting you, Tracy. Important work issues, I hope you understand." He said, embarrassed.
"You didn't interrupt anything, Lawrence, don't worry." I took my bag, I gave them a delighted smile and I went away. "Thanks for the interview." I was sure about being free from them and I felt relieved.
"Goodbye, Tracy." Connor muttered, giving me a quick glance, before going away with Lawrence. At that moment, the old Tracy Barkley who took a vacation with Connor finally came back.
I went back to my office. I wonder what would have happened if Nicole saw us kissing. A literal bomb. Everyone would have known that in just five solid minutes. Fortunately nothing happened and I was sure that I wouldn't have seen Connor and the rest of the band again.
His words kept playing in my head. You are a mystery, Tracy. I shook my head, trying not to think about that. It was the first time in a while that I was risking being vulnerable and I didn't feel well.
I started sketching Smashing Pumpkins' answers, ready to set up their interview, so I could send it to the editorial staff and publish it. Reading it again, I laughed a few times, and not because I was getting sweeter, but because I had so much fun.
When I finished, I let myself go on the chair. I jolted when I heard my phone ringing. I took the phone in my hand and I answered. "I'm Tracy, who's there?" I said. I heard a loud and noisy laugh, it seemed like it was Nicole. Then, I remembered Nicole worked with me, so if she really needed something she would have come to my office.
"I can accept the fact we haven't seen each other for a week, but I can't accept the fact you don't even recognize me." I knew another person who had a noisy voice, but unlike Nicole she wasn't a goose, but she was Caitlin, my best friend.
Usually I didn't call her that way, I knew she was much more than a best friend. We met each other at the kindergarten, we attended all schools together, we lived all of the most reckless moments of our lives together. She was the only person I trusted, along with my mother and my brother.
She lived a few blocks away from me, but we didn't see much of each other, because of our jobs. I was always in my office and she was always in her garage. She was one of the best mechanics ever and she used to work in an old man's workshop, then he died and he left her his garage. He got close to her, so he decided to do this. Working with tools was what she was into.
"Cait!" I almost screamed. "I tried to call you back, but your phone was unreachable. I was just waiting for you to call me back." I pointed out, keeping a joking tone.
"Oh, I know, Tracy. I'm sorry, but I had so much work to do." She excused herself. "What time do you get off today?" She asked, and I looked at my watch.
"In five minutes." I said.
"See you at Starbucks maybe? I'm really craving a frappuccino." She asked me. "Please." She made a really noisy voice.
"Okay, okay." I said, laughing. "I'm turning off the computer and I'm coming. See you." I put the phone down.
I was so happy about meeting Caitlin, even though I wasn't really into talking with anyone that day. But she didn't complain about me, she just used to accept my flaws, as I used to accept hers. I wasn't the one always telling her that I loved her, because I just loved her, I didn't need to repeat that.
Starbucks was full of people. I looked around and when I found a red ponytail in the middle of the crowd, I recognized my best friend. As soon as she saw me, she hugged me. I missed her. She was wearing her beloved denim overalls and her usual combat boots.
"Haven't seen you in a week, seems like an eternity." She smiled, but her smile wasn't as shining as always.
"Is everything okay?" I asked her, and she shook her head. "What's the matter?" I sat in front of her.
"I just found out that one of my biggest love interests is here, in San Francisco." I smiled. Here we go again, I thought. Caitlin always used to forget to tell me about her several love stories. She used to look for love so many times, but nothing ever turned into something serious. She fell in love a few times, and maybe in that moment she was meaning one of them.
"Who are you talking about this time?" I tried to find a way to cheer her up, but I couldn't understand the pain caused by love.
"I don't want to talk about him." She said. "We went through a lot of things last year. Today I was scrolling through my feed on Instagram, and I saw his photo, this morning, at the Golden Gate." She lowered her gaze, straightening her hair. "I felt weird somehow. Our relationship didn't end very well." She said. She was sad, but she fought. That's what I liked about her.
"Cait, you're like a sister to me and I hate not being useful to cheer you up, because, let's be honest, I don't understand a shit about love." I said, and she laughed. "But tell me if I'm wrong, I think you're still in love with him." She scowled. "C'mon, I can see you're sad but I can see you can't wait to see him again too." She lowered her head, nodding.
"But I can't stop thinking about all the bad things he did to me." She pointed out. "But stop it, I don't want to think about it anymore. Let's have a frappuccino and let's leave this place, the air's becoming unbreathable." She huffed. Her capability in changing topics was amazing.
We left that place with a drink in our hands. We went to the beach. The place was much calmer. The bay had always been one of my favourite places, I felt good. When we were kids, Caitlin and I spent a lot of time watching the waves.
We kept walking, talking about stuff. Suddenly, someone came across me, making me fall to the ground. My frappuccino was entirely poured on my white shirt. I cursed, sand was getting in my pants.
"Shit." I screamed. "Who's this dumb and doesn't look where he puts his damn feet?" I lifted up my face. He was in front of me. "Connor?" I said, blinking.
He smiled innocently. It seemed like a damn cosmic joke. Why was everything happening to me? Why couldn't I stop all that mess?