I am standing in front of him. I am fighting the tears and try to put up the bravest face I am capable of. But when it comes to him, my strength and usual cool-headedness disappears, leaving behind the vulnerable little girl inside me. He is my weakness. And I hate myself for it sometimes. Caring about people never seemed a good idea to me. The people dearest and closest to me disappointed me sooner or later. But you can't run around not trusting anybody either. You can choose to survive alone, but sometimes having a partner in crime makes life equally fun, interesting, and surprising.
A knot pops up in my throat and a horrible, familiar feeling punches me. I have to leave behind again someone I love. I am so sick of having to say goodbye. When will I finally find someone, who stays and doesn't leave or who I don't have to leave? When will I finally find my happily ever after? His look is sad. He softly tells me: "Don't be sad! We will still talk on skype and social media…"But I can see it in his eyes that he is going to break up with me after he returns to Canada. It seems very hard for him to look me in the eye and my inner voice is telling me he is hiding something. I just mumble in a sad tone, as my voice cracks almost imperceptible: "Okay. We'll keep in touch." He kisses my forehead and hugs me and tries to calm me down. I see myself when I am a child and have to go back to my grandparents' house even though I don't want to. I just want to spend time with my sister and mom. I also love my grandparents and I know they have good intentions and want me to have good grades in school, but sometimes I just feel suffocated. I just wanted to have a normal childhood surrounded by the love of my parents, feeling safe and appreciated and loved for who I am, not for who they would like me to be. Instead of that, I was the weekend kid, who waited for the weekend to finally be able to visit and hug my mom and who needed to receive good grades to receive love. Because one would assume that without a societal status, money and everything society brainwash us into thinking gives us value gives does that and makes us happy and lovable. I was the kid, who became an adult and wound up repeating the same unhealthy patterns of my childhood due to the familiarity and thought that this was love and the right way. I was allowed to visit my mom and sister only on weekends and holidays or vacations. The rest of the time I was expected to with my grandparents, learn and have good grades in school. They also took care of my health whenever I needed it and practically raised me as if I was their daughter. They were good people with good intentions, but at some point the path becomes slippery. There's a saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
We look up at our parents, but sometimes we forget they are humans too. And humans are prone to mistakes. Both my parents and grandparents had good intentions. They did the best they could with the emotional and material resources available and love them for that and forgive them for the fact that sometimes they could not be the persons I thought I needed as they all had their battles and demons they had to deal with, but still made sure I could grow up and become the person I am today. The person I am today is the result both of the good and the bad in my past and I accept it for what is since I would not be who I am today without the heartache, the good moments, the bad moments, and the ugly ones. Pain makes you stronger and unwanted experiences are a lesson for the future so I can shape into a better person first and foremost for myself, but also for the people that I love and care about and who are part of my life.
I looked at Josh and hugged him tightly knowing how precious this hug would be and wished it would never end. For a second, I gazed into his eyes and words wanted to escape my mouth. "Please take me with you!" However, my lips remained sealed, scared of too many unknown factors and possibilities.
"Goodbye, take care of yourself," I kissed his cheek, hugged him one last time, glanced at him as I wanted to take mental pictures of him and remember the good times and memories we made, and let his hand go. As I walked on the five minutes road to home from the mall we met at one last time, I took my headphones and pink IPod out.
At first, an emptiness hit me. But as soon as I plugged my headphones in, listening to Rihanna's song 'Farewell" tears ran down on my cheeks and a lump made its way into my throat. "And I know you're going somewhere to make a better life/ I hope that you find it on the first try/ And even though it kills me that you have to go/ I know it'll be sadder if you never hit the road/ So farewell/ Somebody is gonna miss you/ Farewell/ Somebody's gonna wish that you were here/ That somebody is me."
Before I arrived home I wiped my tears away and went to my room, looked out of the window for a brief moment, and ate a sandwich. Then I realized that the two weeks we spent together felt as if they were a moment and that I had not felt that happy with someone in years. However, there was one big problem: the distance.
*******
Johanna woke up, ate a sandwich and some scrambled eggs, and went to the cinema where she had a blast watching the latest comedy. It was a weekend day. Some weak sunrays shone their way through the clouds, but fall was very close. Johanna opened her PC and Josh was online on Skype. A smile appeared on her face. He video called and she accepted the video call.
Josh was wearing a black shirt with a metal band and was playing with an Eiffel tower figure. Johanna asked him smiling: "Hey, how are you?" "I am ok. I got this from my trip to France as a souvenir." Johanna replied: "Yeah, I've had a pretty good time when I've been on holiday there. France is a beautiful place to visit. What have you been up to lately?" He put the figure aside, scratched his head, and answered: "I've visited a castle with some friends. It's been nice." Johanna smiled and inquired: "Cool! Maybe you have some photos you want to show me so I can see the beautiful places you've been visiting!" For a second they remained silent, but then Josh asked her: "How has your holiday been?" "Oh well, nice, except for an incident. The cashier at a store stole money from us and then called us thieves. That wasn't nice at all and we could not get the money back. And yeah, there will come new money in our life, but I did not like at all their gesture. It left a bitter taste. The same happened to some other tourists, but they were tall, strong men and they confronted the store cashier and guess what? They got their money back." Josh laughed a bit with Johanna, then abruptly said: "I want to break up!" Her laugh and smile disappeared from Johanna's face.
"Okay," she answered as sadness surged up inside her. "I don't know what to say," she blabbed on, still under shock. "Me neither," he replied. After a short while of silence, Josh said: "I have to go. Bye." Johanna quietly mumbled: "Bye" to the desktop after the video call ended. Her mind was frozen and she was not able to think about anything straight or rationally.
A message popped up from Josh a few seconds later in messenger:
Josh: "Hey, how are you?"
Johanna: "How do you think I am? I kind of saw it coming."
Josh: "What? :P"
Johanna: "The breakup!"
Josh: "How?"
Johanna: "My sixth sense and the fact that I dreamt about it!"
Josh: "I am sorry I had to do it. Just so you know. It wasn't just sex to me. It was more than that."
Johanna: "Okay."
Josh: "How would you feel about moving to Canada?"
Johanna: "I don't know. You broke things off with me. Do you think I am able to take a decision now in the headspace I am in? Besides, moving would be a big step for me. I'd leave my family and friends behind. And I'd do that for someone who has no issue dumping me when things get tough. Who knows if you're going to be there for me when I need it the most?"
Josh: "Ugh, you never understand how much pain I am going through and suffer just to be in this relationship, which does not even feel like a real relationship to me. There are not many of the benefits of a real relationship, mostly the responsibilities and bad parts of one. I barely get to see, touch, or hug you. I have to wait six months at least if I am lucky to get to see you."
Johanna: "You said you'll find a solution so we can be together. Guess what? Nothing changed. We're still at the point we were before: at a distance and you break up with me again. I thought you were going to fight to be with me. I am alone in this. I thought you would fight for me and figure a way out to be together. I thought you were stronger than this."
Josh: "I thought you said you would be okay if we broke up…?"
Johanna: "Well, I thought that, but now that I'm faced with the possibility of losing you forever I am not so sure anymore who I am or what I want…. I feel that I can't think straight…I was hoping for a finally ever after with you, instead, this is what I get repeatedly: we are happy for a while, then we break up, then we're together again… I don't know how I can keep doing this anymore L"
Josh: "You know what? I just slept with you because I was young and horny and was desperate for attention, sex, and a girlfriend. I am sick of you, your stupidities, and no longer want anything to do with the country I'm coming from."
Johanna:" I don't like the way you are talking to me. You sound so mean and superior and I don't see why…"
Josh: "You either come to Canada or I'll never talk to you again!"
Johanna: "So this is what we've come to? Threats? I'm not a shoe you can take from a shelf and just toss back on it. I'm a human being with needs and rights. If this is the way you choose to ask me to move to Canada I'd rather not come there!"
Josh: "Fine! As you wish!" he snapped and went offline.
Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And some Pandora boxes once opened, free all the possibilities, but also all the demons of it. You think you can manage it and come out alive and whole, but once you're in the midst of it you end up feeling alone and scared and searching and scrambling for all the answers you wish you had, but the more you search for answers the more you end up feeling lost and confused.
Meeting the right person at the wrong time can mess you up big time. However, even when the odds aren't necessarily in your favor, there's a small part inside all of us that silently hopes that things would click at the right time and when the dust settles, you'll both be able to live your happily ever after. Because at the end of the day hope is what keeps us alive in the darkest of times and keeps us going even when our feet are too sore to walk.