Finally she had accepted it.
She sat there in silence. It was the first glimpse of peace she had had in four weeks, since the first ultrasound, at Jamal's strong suggestion, they had kept the findings to themselves and so she had been holding it all in —Somehow working as an emergency registrar, as well as carrying on with their wedding plans and doing her best to avoid catching up with Alora.
At first Kylie had woken up in tears and fear for her baby each morning. Today, though, she had woken in anger and, looking at the back of her fiancé's head and seeing him deeply asleep, instead of waiting for him to wake up, she had dug him in the ribs.
'What's wrong?' Jamal had turned to her in rage and she has told him they were done. That even if, by some miracle, the amnio came back as normal today, there was nothing left of them.
The amnio hadn't come back as normal.
Kylie had known that it wouldn't; she'd seen the ultrasound and nothing could magic the problems away.
It had been confirmation, that was all.
Now Alora gave her the gift of a pause and cat sat, feeling the little kicks of her baby inside her as well as the rapid thud of her own heart. Finally both of them settled down as she came to a decision she had been reaching towards since the news has first hit.
'I understand that it's different for everyone. Maybe if I'd found out sooner I'd have had a termination.' She truly didn't know what she might have done then; she could only deal with her feelings now. 'I'm five months pregnant. I know it's a boy and I can feel him move. He's moving right now.' She put a hand on her stomach and felt him, in there, alive and safe. 'Jamal keeps saying it would be kinder but I'm starting to wonder, kinder for whom.
Alora was patient and kylie waited as she rang through to the hospital where kylie was been seen and all the results were transferred.
Alora went through them carefully.
And she didn't leave it there; instead, she made a phone call to a colleague and kylie underwent another ultrasound.
Her baby was imperfect, from his too- little head to his tiny curved feet, but all kylie could see was her son.
Gently Alora told her that the condition was very severe, as she'd been told, and she concurred that if should the baby survived birth he would only live for a few hours.
'I want whatever time I have with him, as long as I can be with him; Kylie said
'I'II will be there with you, you know I'm always there for you,' Alora said. 'Jamal might —
' I'm not discussing this further with Jamal,' Kylie said. 'I'll tell him what I've decided and it's up to him what he does, but as a couple we are finished,'
' Calm down, you don't have to make any rash decisions about your relationship. It's a lot for any couple to take in.....'
'We're not a couple anymore,' Kylie said. 'I told him that this morning — as soon as things started to go wrong with the pregnancy, even before things went wrong, I felt as if I didn't have a voice. Well I do, and I'm having my baby.'
'Are you sure about this?'
'I've never been sure, I'm having this baby Alora?' Kylie smiled and rubbed her stomach with her palm.
It was a long month, a difficult month but a very precious one.
Kylie cancelled the wedding while knowing fully well she will soon be arranging a funeral but she pushed that thought aside as best she could.
Her parents were little help. Her mother agreed with Jamal,' her father just disappeared into his study if ever kylie came around. But she had Eric, her brother, who cleared out all her things from Jamal's house.
He didn't hit him, much to Kylie's relief.
Almost though!
And of course, she had Alora.
At the end of the February and at twenty five weeks gestitation kylie went into spontaneous labour and Alora delivered her a little son. Thomas Eric Hayes. Thomas because she loved the name. Eric, after her brother. Hayes because it was her surname.
Kylie would treasure every minute of the two precious days and one night that Thomas lived.
Most of them.
His severe cleft palate meant she couldn't feed him, though she ached to. She would never get out of her mind the image of her mother's grimace when she'd seen her grandson and his deformities —Kylie had asked her to leave.
For two days she had locked the door to her room on the maternity ward and had let only love enter.
Her brother, Alora and her new boyfriend, Miguel, a couple of other life long friends, along with the medical staffs helped her care for him— and all played their part.
When Kylie had no choice but to sleep, Eric, Alora or Miguel nursed him and Thomas wasn't once, apart from having his nappy changed, put down.
His whole life Thomas knew only love.
After the funeral, when her parents and some other family members had tried to tell that maybe Thomas's passing was a blessing, it was Alora who held Kylie's hand as she bit back a caustic response.
Instead of doing as suggested and putting it all behind her and attempting a new normal, Kylie took all her maternity leave and hid for a while to grieve for her son. But as her return- to- work date approached she felt less and less and less inclined to go back, especially as Jamal still worked there.
She applied for a position in the accident and emergency department at the Royal, where her baby had been born and where Alora worked.
Five months to the day that she'd lost her son kylie stepped back out into the world .... only, she wasn't the same.
Instead, she was a far tougher version of her old self.