June 17: two years ago
"Bonjour."
"Uh....good morning?"
"No, it means hello."
"I knew that."
I let out a prolonged sigh of exasperation as I closed my notebook, shooting Morgan a look of minor frustration. "You said you wanted to learn some French, didn't you? It's not that I know a lot, but this is one of the simple words..."
"Yeah, I do want to." Morgan bobbed his head slowly, then leaned back and flopped onto the floor. "I just need practice, is all."
"You're not even trying."
"I'm sorry, okay?" A frown stretched itself across my friend's face, and his voice expressed something akin to guilt. "I promise I'll study more. Just give me some time. Anyway, off the topic of French, what do you want to do? It's the beginning of summer, after all. Surely there's something you have in mind."
"Not really," I said, offering a small shrug. "Never really gave any thought to it. What about you? Did you have anything planned?"
"Are you kidding me? I have a whole list of stuff!" Without hesitation, Morgan began shuffling through his overnight bag in search of something, soon to let out a triumphant 'aha!' , and pulled it out with a dramatic hand motion. It was just a piece of paper rolled up to look like a scroll. And once he had unrolled that scroll, Morgan cleared his throat and began reading in an incredibly overdramatic voice: "Summer objectives of this year: go fishing with Hanako, swim illegally in the lake with Hanako, mercilessly destroy Hanako in an overly competitive pillow fight, pull numerous all-nighters with Hanako until we start to look gothic from the dark bags under our eyes, possibly go sledding with Hanako if the clouds are on drugs again this year..." Once he had finished, Morgan put down his list and smiled at me eagerly. "Any of those things sound fun to you?"
I hummed quietly to myself for a moment, placing my hand on my chin in concentration as I mentally repeated everything he had just said. "The clouds are on drugs...well, that's certainly one way to put it." He sure is creative. "Anything you want to do, I'll gladly join you. Eh, that is, unless it's swimming illegally in the lake. I'll pass on that one, thank you."
"Ah, you killjoy."
He sounded just like a child. But I mean that in a good way. I had always admired Morgan's childish qualities and his optimism. Although I often thought that I would eventually drag him down to my level, to the point where his head was lying in the shadows with mine, unable to grasp at the escaping light. So I guess you could say he'd gone a little further than just impressing me. Taken the next step, if you will. Passed the line I thought to be the border. And it was for that reason that I knew I would never leave him behind. After all, it was because of him that I knew what it felt like to have someone I could truly rely on, and there was no way I planned on letting him slip away any time soon.
"Let's go to the lake."
"Hmm?" Morgan tilted his head questioningly, his expression obviously showing that he was caught off guard by my sudden motivation. "Really?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I want to go there now...for some reason."
"Well should we tell your-"
"Don't bother telling my mom," I interrupted, failing to hide the sternness in my tone. "I'm...pretty sure she's resting right now, so I'd rather not bother her."
Morgan made a quiet noise of understanding, then quickly got to his feet. "Let's go then shall we?"
+++
Regardless off how insane the weather affected us citizens, the lake was always beautiful this time of year. It was the beginning of summer, and snow had gently settled on the ground, its powdery texture causing it to make soft, crunching noises as we walked. The air was cool and smelt of fresh water. It was quiet, the only sound of nature being the slight, calm swaying of trees in the wind.
"Lake Remissio really does shine, doesn't it?" Morgan laughed softly, gazing at the sparkling lake with eyes that almost appeared sleepy. "No matter what time of day it is, it never fails to amaze me." He smiled and dropped his gaze for a second, a nostalgic look appearing on his face. "You know, my grandfather used to say that this was the lake of new beginning, but that's not what Remissio means, is it?"
"It means forgiveness," I said quietly, before mumbling, "Funny, 'cuz I don't feel forgiven..."
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
"If you say so." Morgan rolled his eyes and began walking carefully towards the end of the dock. I followed shortly behind him.
We now stood at the very edge, barely staying on just by the heels of our feet. I was never too trusting enough of the wind not to push me into the water, but I did it for Morgan's sake. Morgan had overcome a great fear of his just a couple years ago, and he had been daring himself to be more courageous ever since. He had once feared the water more than anything. Not just lakes, but any body of water vast enough to swallow him whole. I hadn't witnessed it, but according to Morgan, he had nearly drowned in this very lake when he was 4 years old. This was before I met him, so it wasn't as though I could have done anything. Still, I felt guilty for some reason.
Standing at the edge of the lake of forgiveness, my heart only continued to grow heavy with burden. I glanced at Morgan, just out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't bring myself to believe the act he was putting on. He wasn't over it, that was for sure. Though I didn't blame him. It was only natural to attain a fear of water from such a traumatizing experience, especially when you consider the young age he was when it happened. The look in his eyes as he stared at the lake confused me somewhat. He looked happy and at peace, but the same time, he seemed depressed. I didn't want to ask why, fearing I would stir up some unpleasant memories. Instead, I remained quiet, hands buried in the pockets of my jacket as I fixed my eyes once again on the shimmering lake.
"If you have something on your mind, don't hold it back."
My eyes widened at Morgan's sudden statement. "What are you talking about? I...have nothing to say."
"You know I can read you like an open book, right?" He sighed, sounding disappointed that I would even think about keeping anything from him. "You can do the same to me. So tell me, Hanako. What's the matter?"
The wind picked up slightly just then, nearly making me lose my balance. I had to take a step back so that my feet were fully on the dock, but Morgan didn't move a muscle.
"I don't understand any of this," I whispered, my back facing him. "My life just seems...strange somehow."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I don't know," I groaned, rubbing my temples in frustration. "You, for starters. Why do you always insist on staying with me? I have nothing to offer but a negative attitude."
"It's because I admire you."
The readiness and sincerity in his response was a little more than shocking. I felt the need to repeat the words aloud in the form of a question.
"You...admire me?"
"More than anyone, yes," he said, smiling without constraint. "You're strong, Hanako. I'm not talking about muscle, but about your heart and mind. You don't hide your emotions, or at least, not from me, and in a guy I'd say that's a notable quality. Most guys are too stuck-up and proud to ever show they have a sensitive side. You're not like that. You're a great friend, Hanako. My best friend. And to be completely honest with you, ever since that time you almost ran away from home, I've been a little scared. I know you're not an idiot, but a part of me is still kind of afraid you'll run away for real some day. That's why I've been so...well, clingy these past few years. And I know this may sound stupid and cheesy, but you've always been like a brother to me. The twin brother I've never had..."
Slowly and carefully he raised his foot and shifted his body slightly, wind tousling his bright orange hair as he turned to face me. He must have noticed the look of unadulterated bewilderment in my expression, for he flinched, soon feeling the urge to justify himself.
"I'm sorry, I-I'm not very good with words–"
"Not very good with words my foot," I muttered, somewhat frustrated he had chosen that for his 'excuse'. "You saved my life with your stupid words years ago."
"Forget about that," he said, and he sighed, combing back his messy hair with his fingers. "It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore."
"It matters to me. Because if it weren't for what you said to me that day...I probably wouldn't even be here right now."
After his attention returned to the rippling water, silence settled in the atmosphere. But it was a comfortable silence due to the kind smile that had appeared on Morgan's face. He knew what I had said was true, that was obvious. He knew how vitally important he was in my life, and pretty much to my survival. Yes...if Morgan hadn't been there for me all those times, I was certain I would've put a knife to my throat by now.
And for that, I was truly grateful.
But what really struck a chord in me and brought about all sorts of doubts was when I asked myself this question: Will Morgan really stay forever? Even with his claims enveloped in sincerity, there was always the slightest chance that something could happen...something that would result in us being separated for good. The more I thought about it, the more impossible it seemed that Morgan was even able to stick around me. I was nothing special. In fact, I was the exact opposite of the kind of person I'd want to be friends with. I was a jerk. A pessimist. A no-good weakling who was almost always in a bad mood. Most of these traits could easily be linked to my father and the bittersweet memories he left behind. I wouldn't have said that I blamed him, nor did I hate him. But I suppose you could say there were a few things I wanted to ask him face-to-face.
Why did you go?
The wind began to pick up, stronger this time. My hair was tossed around wildly, locks falling in front of my eyes.
Why did you leave us?
My thoughts seemed to be affected by the winds' course. They became mixed, and not a single one was in its right place anymore.
Where have you gone?
I was no longer aware of my surroundings. The roaring of the wind was now but a soft whisper passing through my transparent being. I hadn't noticed the lake's waters beginning to rock boisterously, and the few aquatic birds sitting upon them that took flight due to fear.
Will you ever come back?
I felt a droplet on my face. It was cold and filled with painful memories. Memories that seeped through my skin like acid, all the way down to my brain and my bones.
Just what are you hiding from me?
I lifted my face to the sky as more drops of rain began to fall. I payed little attention to Morgan's worrisome cries, allowing myself to be fully consumed by the bitterness of the sky's tears. Gently I tucked my hair behind my ear and listened passively the voices in my head.
He left you, Hanako.
Already knowing the truth of this statement, I pushed it to the back of my mind, along with the quiet reminders telling me that Morgan was trying to get my attention.
He will, too. Morgan will leave you, too, Hanako.
It reached my heart now. The acid. A thin layer had spread around my heart like a virus, and it had already begun to eat away at the surface. Only fate could tell when the acid would fully devour it, and at the time, fate was just another one of those passive voices in my head.
"Hanako, please!!!"
As if by a trigger, Morgan's presence suddenly became something I was aware of. I hadn't realized until just then that he was standing directly in front of me, hands firmly grasping my shoulders.
"Hanako, please!" He shouted again. "What are you staring at? We need to get inside! Can't you see it's raining? I don't want you to catch a cold, so let's go already!!"
My head fell until my chin was resting against my chest. I gazed absently at the wooden boards beneath my feet. "It hurts," I mumbled, lifting a trembling hand to touch where my heart should have been. "The rain...makes it...hurt..."
"Then let's go back to your house!" Morgan grabbed my hand and placed it over his own heart, squeezing it tightly as he pleaded for me to focus. "We can talk it over when we get back, but you have to work with me here! Let me know you can at least hear my voice!"
Alas, his cries of desperation were beginning to reach me. "I can. I can hear you..."
"The rain is doing bad things to you, Hanako. It's best to get out of it as soon as possible." Without another word, Morgan intertwined his fingers with mine and gave my hand one last squeeze, then took off in the direction of my home, pulling me along with him.
It was strange. It seemed as though the farther away from the lake we walked, the easier it was to focus on things going on outside of my head. The howling winds, the loud rustling of the trees. But most of all, I could feel the warmth of my best friend's hand in mine, melting away the cold rain that had frozen on my fingertips like an unwanted stain. And on a cold, blustery day such as this one, that was the one thing I needed.
Warmth.
+++
As soon as Morgan and I reached the house, we kicked off our soaking wet sneakers at the door and hung up our jackets to dry. My mother had waken while we were gone, and she was currently in the kitchen preparing dinner. Morgan took the liberty of offering to making us both hot chocolate, after, of course, receiving permission from my mother. Meanwhile he told me to make myself comfortable on the sofa in front of the fireplace. I would have refused, but Morgan had almost demanded of it.
And besides, the fire looked very inviting at the moment.
I seated myself on the sofa and draped a thick blanket over my back, drawing the ends of it in front of me so that it covered my entire body. The sound of the crackling fire and the sight of sparks shooting up from the burning wood relaxed me, and my restless mind was set at ease.
Morgan returned to the living room before long with two mugs filled to the brim. He rocked back in forth clumsily, attempting to keep his balance and avoid spilling the hot chocolate. Quite awkward and amusing, he looked, but he somehow managed to make it over to the sofa and place the mugs gently down on the end table, without getting a single drop on the carpet. He seemed pretty proud of himself, that was for sure.
"Your mom told me she's making pancakes and bacon as a special dinner for Aki's birthday, and she said it's alright if I want to stay." Morgan plopped himself down next to me, then pushed himself back to the corner of the sofa. "I thought Aki's birthday was on the 19th, though."
"Yeah, it is," I said, nodding. "Mom is probably expecting she'll have to work late that day, so she decided to have his special dinner today."
Morgan made a quiet noise of acknowledgment. "Oh, that reminds me, I actually made your brother a gift. I didn't know the next time I'd get to see him, so I just brought it along with me. It's in my duffel bag right now. Do you want me to get it?"
I shrugged. "Only if you feel like it."
That was all it took for Morgan to make a dash for the staircase. I heard his loud footsteps quickly grow quieter as he neared my bedroom. There was silence, just for a second, before he came running back down the stairs with his duffel bag slung around his shoulder. Soon he had reclaimed his spot on the sofa.
"I have to tell you, before I show it to you, my dad actually handcrafted this," he explained as he began rooting through his belongings. "He's a carpenter, so he's good with this kind of thing. I did paint it, though, so I suppose I deserve some credit." He said this half-jokingly, but as he carefully pulled a small wooden train out of his bag, I found myself agreeing with him. It was indeed beautifully crafted; about 4 inches long, 1 1/2 inches wide, smooth hardwood painted over in blue, red and yellow. It even looked like the wheels were movable, meaning Aki could enjoy playing with the train even more. It was truly an impressive piece of work.
"That's amazing," I said, still examining it. "You did a great job painting it, Morgan."
"Do you think he'll like it?"
"He'll love it."
"You think so?" Morgan smiled softly and nestled deeper into the sofa cushion, a relieved expression washing over him, as if this question had been bothering him for quite some time. "That's great, I'm glad. I was kind of upset I couldn't buy him anything, because I didn't really have any money. So it makes me happy to hear you say that." He laughed to himself before whispering, "I only want the best for you and your remaining family."
Morgan let out a prolonged sigh as he carefully picked up his hot chocolate mug and brought it to his mouth. He took a sip and made a hum of approval, then began tapping his fingers lightly against the outside of the mug.
Me and my remaining family, huh? I smiled slightly at this. Sure, Morgan was a strange guy, foolish often, cracked stupid jokes and was an absolute flirt, but he always did know what to say at the right times. I wanted to tell him that I thought of him as my family, too. But I stopped myself, fearing that he would laugh at how silly it sounds. It didn't matter, though. I was positive that Morgan already knew I felt this way.
+++
It was nearly midnight now, and Morgan and I were still awake. My room was lit by a single lamp on my bedside table. I was lying on the floor, messing around on my phone while Morgan sat with a notebook on his lap.
"I drew you with dragon wings."
Setting my phone down, I stifled a laugh. "What? Let me see." I outstretched my hand and spun Morgan's notebook around so that I could see his drawing. "Huh...pretty impressive, Morgan. But why dragon wings?"
"I don't know. I just thought they were cool."
"Mhmm..." I returned my attention to my own notebook which lay beside me, mentally sighing as I found myself staring at a blank page. I was never much of an imaginative person, unlike Morgan. I couldn't draw miniature people with animal parts or paint a wooden train. I wasn't talented like him. There was no denying that I was a bit jealous, but mostly, it wasn't jealousy I felt, but rather pride. I was proud to have such a gifted friend. "
"Draw me with in knight's armor next."
He smiled widely and let out a quiet laugh. "Only if you draw me in a penguin costume."
I raised an eyebrow at him. "Strange request, but I suppose I could give it a shot."
"Sweet! I'm gonna make you the coolest knight ever~..."
"And I'm gonna fail miserably at this attempt~..."
Morgan and I were fifteen at the time, and both of us were also incredibly stupid. But I wasn't the least bit regretful of anything when I was with him. When I was eight, I thought for certain that I would spend the rest of my days miserable and heartbroken. Never in my life had I ever imagined I'd have days like this. Carefree days spent with my best and only friend. Morgan was truly everything I aspired to be. Happy, positive, talented, trustworthy, and most definitely loyal.
At this point Morgan was distracted by his work-in-progress, so I took this opportunity to sneak out my journal. (You can call me girlish, you can call me a sissy, but yes, I had a journal.) Quietly I flipped through the pages I had filled, until I soon came across a blank one. Then, I began to fill this one out, too.
+++
June 17, 11:54 p.m.
Dear Journal,
I learned to open my eyes today.