I had to go undergo a DBT class and wellness class by the Special Olympics just do you help me cope with my emotions and my nightmares and PTSD related things that mahamady he has caused me or added to. The first one is a class with a woman Debbie McGuire she taught me deep ocean breathing which is like you picture yourself on a cruise ship at night and you're sleeping and as you're breathing the way it goes up as you breathe out the way it goes down, And that was just mindfulness without the technical part DBT was mindfulness with Cassandra Thompson which was more or less more theoretical than breathing or learning how to cope I didn't like that class too much because I was very bored with it very quickly and then like the theoretical and scientific terms in DBT that I didn't understand I started taking up doodling every time I had a zoom meeting and I found that very relaxing that I returned back to the wellness Wednesdays with the Special Olympics and I found out that it's not all doom and gloom even though I still have an open wound I have progressed since January. I still don't know my stance in the world I will go to being a drug alert but I do listen to the Insane Clown Posse and twisted lyrics very well and religiously to help with my anger so I end up doing more doodles and I do crafts and I am going to be doing a Miral at the wall opposite of my bed with our other peoples artwork in it because I bought some artwork and then I'm going to I just try to be creative instead of distractive now. But the destructive part of me still is in there when my mother doesn't pick up the phone or answer my messenger calls I get really ratty and uneasy and almost to the point where I get verbally Combative. One time I cried the whole day on the phone with my mother she was begging me for forgiveness I said I for gave her but that was a lie that was the first lie I ever told in my life because I still can't forgive her for what she has done to our family and what she has done to me with this mahamady fart. She said that I have to trust people more often or learn how to trust people and let go no shit Sherlock but I still have flashbacks and nightmares about Mohamedy And I got to the point where I had to learn lucid dreaming keeping a dream journal and I had to have my meds up to the point where I'm groggy every morning and don't want to get out of bed but I'm thankful to be alive. There is one stand of behaviour when I was really nasty to the staff at the group home that I live in Robertson Edo regret that more than I regret shiting on my mother. It took me a month to regain their trust and respect again before I was able to actually go about my business and not get in trouble or anything else now I am not on good terms and still lamb we were always on good terms but I just had that shitty spot where I was having a fucked up moment and I was being rude and tutti to everyone. Which I do still apologize for and now I work on my anger even more than I do and I work on my mindfulness I use mindfulness the Tibetan why the real way not by DBT. I have grown as a person I became a writer as you can tail I am still riding the box ladders from roses at this moment and I'll be pretty watch done in a few days with a nice buck coming out of letters from bruises. It's an insight on how white people with PTSD or mental illness or disability or like just human like everyone else and that we are not the bogeyman like The Simpsons that retard and show makes it out to me. It's Rose like The Simpsons andSouth park and other things like Family Guy and American dad that just ring me up to no end because they show people with mental illness or PTSD or mental disabilities and serial killers psychopaths or even school shooters which is not even true we're just people with bigger emotions and bigger nightmares we don't always act on them but we are just normal people want to comes to the end of the day and that's why I'm doing a nine part book series about what my life is like this is not part of my this is my memoirs. I'm doing a lot better I'm much more stable than I was two years ago when mahamady Uploaded my family in the name of Extremism. This is the message I'm gonna say that the Insane Clown Posse says if you're ever angry or you're going to be in an aggressive situation and be creative use your words don't be destructive don't be distractive like me who want anyone crazy do do use your anger to do your chores be creative and do art music and whatever other hobbies you have and do it well that is the message of the insane clown posse twisted boondocks and other Juggalo bands that are out there please use your anger for God practice mindfulness and it might just help you do not do half the stuff that I did in this book because this is an example of why you should or should not do what was he there should not do part. It shows Gordon people as well as the worst in people and the stupid and brilliance of people as well as myself. As for today that I did a finished book sacks of letters from bruisers Series. And I helped a guy with a seizure. I was hearing a farting sound and I realize someone was having a seizure and I grab the pillow right away and put it under his head try to put them under the recovery position so I wouldn't swallow on choke on his tongue or vomit and but he was too heavy for the recovery position and I had to have the work on Stewart a blurred it out the time when I heard the studding and then mention the current time at the time when he was saved. I may have save somebody's life but I don't know I don't think I am more than enough to save someone's life I was just being kind enough to help someone in need. And that's what this book is going to be I hope mentioning about is that you be kind to people because the way you treat others is the way you want to be treated yourself. Half my life could've destroyed my humanity and killed the guy having a seizure but I was strong enough to stay as a good and kind person. Even my own mother who has recovered from her brush with terrorism room and alcoholism has told me that I do not have an evil bone in my body. And that is from the woman that I have treated like a dog for a year and a half. That goes to show that kindness goes a long way. I still don't forgive her but I know she's a kind woman now and doesn't have an evil bone in her body but that's beside the point I am the fact that I heard that I don't have an evil bone in my body from a woman that was pure evil at one point to me for a whole year was a complement. Just by putting a pillow under somebody's head while they were in the need of the pillows.