Chapter 126
Hills To Climb, Mountains To Conquer
It was a first, Sylas realized--they were cold. In fact, even hiding in a makeshift cave, as close to the fire as they could get without getting burnt... the chill still lingered. Though it made sense for him since, in the end, he simply had greater resistance to cold, it was far stranger for Agnes to feel the cold. And yet... she did.
She was clutching her knees abreast and rubbing her palms and seemingly dreaming of jumping into the flames. It was clear it's been a long time since she last experienced cold--if she ever did. Sylas dealt with it slightly better, especially since they left the cutting, bone-burning winds and hid from the elements, but she was yet to fully recover.
Sylas took a swing and looked at her; it seemed that the shock was colder than the winter itself. He, similarly, was quite surprised; though true that they'd never experienced weather this cold, it was shocking that her 'superpowers' effectively stopped working. No, they were still working--if they weren't, she would have died of hypothermia hours ago. But they were weakened, that was for certain.
"I think you should head back," he said suddenly, causing her to look up.
"W-w-what? Why?" she stuttered a question.
"If it gets any worse, you'll die."
"You will too."
"Maybe," he said. "But I'm willing to live with that." he cracked a smile.
"N-no, I'm coming."
"... look at yourself," he said. "You can barely move your toes. Though it's clear that the weather gets worse in patterns, even at its best... it's enough to immobilize you. There's no point in you suffering like this. If I can't do it as well, we'll just have to look for another way."
"Sylas, I'm not leaving," she replied sternly, glaring at him. "Stop pushing me."
"Oh, no, what will you do? Will you punch me until you're warm?" he asked with a grin.
"It's an option," she grinned back. "How come you aren't cold, anyway?"
"Oh, I am."
"Then how are you so calm?!"
"Oh, let's see," Sylas said, taking another swig. "This one time, while defending the castle, an exploding ghoul sent me flying over the castle wall and into the forest. I landed awkwardly and snapped my spine, but was otherwise in an okay condition. Anyway, I spent a whole night there, eventually dying of... something. Cold, if I had to take a guess. Then, this other time, I got lost in the woods while half-drunk, and eventually got so cold I thought I was burning, stripped wholly naked, and died, butt-exposed, in the snow. And this other time--"
"I get it, I get it," she interrupted. "You... you really are a freak."
"Well, see, that just hurts," he chuckled. "I'm just numb to pain at this point. You ain't, though. So, why the hell are you trying to be?"
"..."
"See? It's just pointless bravado."
"It's you," she said, looking at him angrily.
"Huh?"
"It's because of you."
"... what?"
"If I want to follow you," she said. "I... I know I have to change."
"You--"
"I know I'm a stupid, naive girl who is too old to believe the things she does," she said. "I know I'm weak, I know I'm vain, I know that the only reason you're even sticking with me is that I'm the only one who can remember. I know all of those things."
"..."
"So... I... I want to change," she added, pushing her knees further into her chest. "However much and however little. Change so that I can stay by your side and watch over you. Make sure you don't lose yourself."
"... wow, you really are stupid," Sylas laughed.
"Hey!!"
"Do you really think so little of me?" he asked. "No, of course you do. Why wouldn't you? I think even less of myself."
"What... what are you talking about?"
"You're not weak, Agnes," he said. "You're not particularly strong either, but you are distinctly not weak. And I told you already, didn't I? I don't mind that hopelessly positive outlook you have on the world. If anything... it's inspiring. I like the way you see things a million times more than the way I do. What you're doing now is stupid, but you're not."
"Words are hollow," she persisted. "And I hate yours."
"..."
"You're doing the same thing you always do," she added. "You shelter me. Treat me like a child. Do you think that makes me feel good? Warm?"
"..."
"I just want you to see me as an equal."
"And I do--"
"No you don't!" she exclaimed, her voice cracking slightly. "You... you don't see anyone as equal, Sylas. You see yourself as beneath all of us. And so... you think that the best way to protect us is to sacrifice yourself. Over and over again. Otherwise, you would have done the smart thing--sent out people from the castle who had experience making their way through rough, wind-boiling mountains. But you didn't. You didn't even think about sending others. You didn't think about using anyone, ever since that day. The only reason you let me stay attached... is that I remember. And even then, despite knowing things would reset, you always keep me at bay. Away. Just outside of danger."
"Ah, yes, this is truly outside of danger," Sylas scoffed.
"It is," she said. "I never felt cold in my life, Sylas. I never felt hot either. I never felt pained. I never felt anything in particular until I started following you around. You think a life sheltered by the will of gods is a fun one? You look at pain and see horror because of what it had done to you," she added quickly before he could reply. "I look at pain... and I see everything that I missed, Sylas. All that growth that wouldn't have made me seem like a child to you. And yet... when I try to grow, you won't let me."
"You're tall enough already if you ask me."
"Don't. Just... don't."
"... you're right. I don't get it," he said, taking another swig. "And you're right... I would trade everything to have lived your life, Agnes. If someone who's very experienced in pain tells you that it's best if you just walk away, why are you butting your head forward as though you know better? This is why I call you a kid. Because only kids are like that. Their parents tell them 'no, don't drink booze and do other bad stuff; I did it and it was awful' and they say 'well, you made your mistakes, and now I have to make the very same mistakes too'. That's why people never truly learn from history. We just keep making the same mistakes we've made since the dawn of civilization. Nobody listens and everyone thinks themselves cleverer than those who came before."
"..."
"There's this romance of pain everyone's obsessed with," Sylas persisted. "'My first heartbreak was beautiful', 'the day my parents died gutted me but helped me grow as a person', 'I had to suffer to learn'... it's... it's moronic. There's absolutely no beauty in pain. There's nothing to relish there. It's pure hell. It's a disease. But we treat it like a drug. Hell, I'm the same. It's beyond hypocritical of me to even lecture you. But because I know I'm a hypocrite, I can tell you with full certainty... don't be stupid. When it's time to walk into the fire, let me go. You... stay behind and wait for when I come back. What's the point in you following me into flames? If only one need suffer, let one suffer."
"I disagree," a tear fell down her cheek and she wiped it. "The same way you feel toward me wanting your experiences... I feel toward you wanting mine. Having all your needs and desires fulfilled just because you exist... no amount of nightmares make up for that, Sylas. Want to know the real truth as to why there are so few prophets living? Because most become apathetic toward reality. They become walking husks in search of anything. They join armies, strange cults, movements, anything for a chance at an outcome that's not predetermined. And they die. Because they can barely walk on their own two feet, let alone swing a sword around. Apathy... nothingness... that's far worse than feeling pain."
"..."
"I don't know why I remember our past when nobody else does," she continued. "But I've lived more in the few years we've spent together than all my years prior. And I only have fragmented memories of our experiences. Bits and pieces. Chunks. And yet... they made me feel more alive than anything I've lived out before. Maybe I am childish. Maybe I am a kid refusing to listen to the wisdom of those who came before me. But maybe, just maybe, there's a reason that always happens, Sylas. There's a reason why kids do the exact same mistakes their parents did, time and again. Maybe we need to do them, to become the adults that we do. If I had experienced heartbreak, if I had experienced loss, discomfort, struggle... maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't see me as a kid."
"... maybe," Sylas mumbled, taking the last sip of wine. "Well. If you're gonna come along, come here, then."
"Huh?"
"We're gonna warm up faster together," he explained. "And can abuse the brief window when the weather gets better."
"O-oh," she mumbled, though still kept looking at him strangely.
"Look, I swear up and down I won't do anything strange!" he promised. "I may be an animal, but I'm not that kind of an animal!"
"No, I know that," she said, sighing and crawling over, sitting in front of him and easily nestling her back into his front. "I'm just happy you're relying on me."
"Yeah, no, this is mostly for your benefit. I've warmed up like two hours ago."
"... you couldn't let me have even that?" she glared back at him.
"No," he grinned back. "You said it yourself. Can't treat you like a kid no more. From here on out, you'll have to earn your victories properly."
"I think that's just an excuse," she grinned as well. "I think you're finally realizing just how great my body is and it's impossible for you to keep treating me as a kid!"
"No, no, I've always known that," he said. "I've stripped you with my eyes the moment I laid them on you."
"..."
"I just made you feel extremely awkward, didn't I?"
"... n-no."
"Pfft."
"Shut up!"
"Fine, fine," he chuckled. "Warm up, now," he said as she suddenly grabbed both his arms and pulled them around her knees, nestling further.
"It's--it's gonna be quicker this way."
"Aye, it will," he smiled faintly. "Aye, it will."