Apsis

apsis/ˈapsɪs/noun: either of two points on the orbit of a planet or satellite that are nearest to or furthest from the body round which it moves.

Every day I march closer to my life in the the vicinity of the Arab world, and honestly, the more I think about the upcoming six months, the more it scares me. But ironically, shouldn't it excite me? I hope that makes sense, if not completely?

Circa 2021 feels like the start of a new Musqan Jain — void of all the misery she was otherwise clinging on to, and full of hopes. The agonising days will be long past me, or so I hope?

To be completely fair, when I started my application in the month of February, on the 20th February to be precise, I did it out of a sheer impulse to be away from everything. Although I may not remember what the heck was I going through at that point but I do remember crying to a point of no return. Isn't it funny that I remember the days I cried but I cant remember the causes of those downpours?

So this application was a messy effort to be able to leave the country. It was also the closest thing to feeling alive and being able to live happily, at least for a little while. I wasn't fully sure, but I cleared rounds after rounds and suddenly I am applying for my visas and sorting my documents? It truly feels like it was literally just yesterday that I was in some sort of mental trauma but look at me now.

When I embark upon this journey of soul-searching expo202 as their Media Ambassador, I hope it will take a lot of twists and turns, and some bents, to finally come in reflection with my inner self.

What does my heart desire? This has been the constant dilemma I've been facing.

Of course, with knowledge, comes scepticism. And with scepticism, comes knowledge. It's always a two-way street. I thought the more I knew about the world, and further, myself, the more I'd be at peace and feel the calm after the storm in my dire heart. This dire need to be out there, somewhere, had been so challenging, and so frustrating, that I could not take it anymore. I'd always think that one-lifetime is just not enough for me to do everything I want to. So I took it upon myself to do everything I can while I'm at it; which often tore me out to shreds to be fed upon by the weight of my own unrealistic and unhealthy expectation. I did everything- read more, tried to write more, drew more, created more art, learnt to play the violin- everything, that my heart had been wishing for.

I need to constantly keep reminding myself— don't let you own unrealistic expectation from self keep you from doing and enjoying the otherwise mediocre things in life. Do it all. Don't wait to be able to paint the next starry-nights or compose the next Sinatra's sound alike, but rather cherish the fact that you have two good eyes that make you appreciative of colours around. You have two good ears to be able to enjoy all the melodies that are around you. Be appreciative of the normal, rather than always trying to set the bar up for yourself.

Stop self-sabotaging your self.

To say the least, I was a mad mess. Every passing moment was spent trying to think what to next. I could not afford to waste a single second, life is costly that way.

Before stepping on to the path of trying to find who I really am from within whilst simultaneously being on the run, and what is it that I truly desire, I was utterly terrified. Being alone has never really bothered me, but the fact that I'd be out there, somewhere, god knows where, with no-one to look back to, no one to hold on to during the times of crucial cries, had been more than enough to get me back to fact-check and reality.

And I think just got lucky along the way of this constant madness of a journey to have found something so dear and so pure, that I now come across as a completely different person.

Love.

No, not the love you're expecting, but the love where now I love myself more than I ever could have. And I am willing to put up a fight for my sake, for the sake of everyone who love me. I shall not be broken, bent, or even fallen.

I now know my value. I am constantly inspired to be working towards something that only and only motivates me and inspires me, and never puts me down. And I think this foundation of the relationship I have with myself is what exactly was missing before. Before, I didn't care much about myself and was always a constant giver. And of course, the taker. Of bullshit. But not anymore. Nobody tells me what to do anymore. Nobody defines anything for me.

Like I said before, with knowledge, comes scepticism. It is very vital to always doubt everything. Never trust anything on anyone blindly. Keep your guards up, all the time. Rely only on yourself. You will be the only person who'll be with yourself if that isn't already very obvious?

I remember the moment very vividly, almost as if it happened just yesterday. I was running. From my self, and from the world. I was running for my dear life. It has been four months and seven days and I almost want to barf at the fact that this new version of me is something I didn't know I was even capable of.

It's like it just happened yesterday.