His words struck a bit close to her own heart, and Kesi didn't know how many times she had those exact same thoughts.
But instead of wallowing in her pity, she took down all those who once dared to hurt her one by one. And at that point, how could she care about her birth when she was surrounded by death the entire time?
"If you had the chance, would you want them to pay for everything that they did to you?"
She knew that she was supposed to save A'Hong and to prevent him from walking to his doom, but removing all those we dared harm him was such a clear pathway.
As long as he agreed, she would make them pay. And perhaps that was some sort of purification and in turn salvation in itself.
No, she wouldn't kill them. These crimes were not punishable by blood.
She would force A'Hong's father to realize the error in his ways, severing the very manhood that he used to give birth to A'Hong. What sort of man was he that he could only bring sons to the world without seeing that they ever grew to men?
She would make A'Hong's brother fall onto his knees and apologize for his haughtiness and demanding nature. Why did he have a sense of entitlement over A'Hong just because he was older and the first son of the family?
But almost without a moment of hesitation, A'Hong was clinging onto her knees, his drunk breath spilling onto her robes.
"No, please, Nanny Rong," he sobbed. "If they're gone, then what does that say about my entire life?"
Kesi looked at him questioningly, not sure what he meant.
"Everything I've ever done… Everything…" A'Hong broke out in hearty laughter. "If they're gone… so does everything I've ever done. And what else is there left of me? What proof that I ever even existed in the first place?"
She was at a loss of words.
She couldn't quite pinpoint what she felt towards A'Hong, whether it be pity or confusion or disappoint or something else altogether.
"But you can't keep on letting them leach off of you!"
"We're family… we're family... " A'Hong muttered quietly again and again, almost as if trying to convince himself.
"I many not have a family, but I know for sure that that is not what real family is supposed to do to you!" Her blood boiling, she glared into the distance.
"But they're all I have." Closing his eyes, A'Hong seemed to age ten years in the span of a single moment as if he was forced to reach this conclusion that he avoided for so long.
"What happens when your meager salary can't support this anymore? Huh?" Sternly, Kesi reached into A'Hong's pockets and pulled out a moldy piece of bun. On it, there was a single indentation, as if someone had continuously nibbled on it for a long time without ever eating the whole thing.
A'Hong opened his mouth but then closed it again.
"What happens, huh? Do you think you'll live for much longer if you keep on living like this? Do you think you can even outlive me with how little you're eating?"
Kesi motioned to fling the moldy piece of bread into the distance, but A'Hong immediately snatched it back from her hands, cupping it in his hands like it was his most prized procession.
"I… I'm a small person. I don't need to eat that much to survive." He stumbled in his words. And almost off earshot, he added, "And perhaps I don't even need to survive."
SLAP.
Kesi's palm slapped him hard in the face, and it was only a moment later that a red implantation formed on the side of his cheeks.
She didn't know where she mustered all of the energy, but at that moment, all she wanted to do was to snap A'Hong out of his foolish mindset.
"Do you think they will care that you are hurting right now?" She enunciated every word, driving each word-based dagger sharp into A'Hong's heart. "Do you think that they will care that you eat a meal a day to save money for them? Do you think that they will care that you die in the palace?"
Without waiting for his reply, she added, "No! All they will see is a meager stash of money from the palace in retribution of death! And it'll be exactly the same to them as if you were still alive! They might even be happy that they received more money that month than usual! So stop nibbling on that single little bun that you saved from before. Don't think I didn't notice! Your grandma hasn't gone completely blind yet!"
A'Hong looked on the verge of breaking into tears again, the tears welling dangerously within the rim of his eyes.
"You're not the one who is wrong for your birth. It's their failure for bringing you into the world without every deciding to care for you," Kesi spat.
She thought back to her own origins. And although she did not remember it, she heard the story often enough of how she was abandoned by her own biological parents by the side of the streets as an infant. And that story was common enough for all of the orphans that made their ways into the agency one way or another.
A'Hong looked up, a single tear threatening to fall from his eyes. Instead, he held it back, leaning his head back so that the tear never once fell.
His voice shaky, he cleared his throat before responding in a clear and resolved way, "I want to take everything that was mine back."
Standing up, he straightened his back, and only then did Kesi see that he was not short as she made him to be. Instead, it was only because he constantly slouched, as if hiding from something.
"Nanny Rong, I don't want them to pay for what they did, but I want everything that I had once given them to be returned." He paused, his fingers lingering over his stinging cheeks. "I'll make everyone who ever looked down at me realize the error of their ways."