About fifteen minutes passed.
Senpai, just as drenched as me, helped me up. I kept crying for her company, which made her give me her hand to guide me in our walk.
─Really, Tohno-kun, your temperature is very low, how long have you been here?
I couldn't answer him.
Even if she was my mother, I don't think I would be able to look at her face. It's all because of the fault.
But regardless of whether I answer or not, Ciel-senpai still helps me.
To be holding her hand right now... to be able to feel the heat from her skin, I can calm down a bit.
─Tohno-kun, are you listening to me?
...
Hey, hey. Ciel to Tohno-kun, can't you hear me?
─I hear you, Ciel.
─I'm glad. Come on, tell me what happened.
That's where I decide to keep quiet.
I just squeeze Ciel-senpai's hand a little tighter. She responds to my handshake with a smile, avoiding the topic for now.
We stop at some point.
My mind is not clear enough to remember where we are.
In the middle of the rain, under Senpai's red umbrella that we didn't quite reach for the two of us. Ciel-senpai turns to me, and-
─...
─...
!
Ciel-senpai takes me by the collar of my shirt and when she stands on tiptoe, she manages to bring our lips together.
Her surprise makes her want to back off, but she forbids me without hesitation. Ciel's strength has always been superior to mine, that's why I can't get rid of her grip.
She has caught me completely off guard. So there was no way she could help it.
I would like to push Ciel-senpai away...
But I don't dare touch her right now. Not with my two hands.
Nevertheless----
─Hah...
---- The sensation of Senpai's lips brought me back to reality once and for all.
A kind of comforting warmth floods my chest. All my worries were thrown away right there.
Ciel-senpai's expression, right now...
It's one that you wouldn't normally be able to see.
Her cheeks are very red. She averts her gaze from me a bit as she tries to adjust hers to hers.
I can not...
Immediately, the tears begin to flow again when I remember once more what I did.
But seeing me like this, in such a sorry state...
Ciel-senpai wipes my tears with her free hand. She still looks embarrassed, but that's not what makes me feel the same. Rather, it is the touch of her hand.
I can't resist it. So I remove her hand from my cheek.
─Tohno-kun? Now can you tell me what happened?
... no...
I decide to shake my head, since I can't say the words that are stuck deep in my heart.
Ciel-senpai smiles at me a little, while she continues to wipe my tears. But at some point, her expression changes a bit and she says.
─So... Shiki, let's go to my apartment. There we can talk more freely.
Hearing Senpai call my name right after we kissed. It was enough for me. I will follow Senpai wherever she takes me. In order to heal my scar.
Just over two minutes have passed since then.
Senpai gave me a blanket and she made tea for me herself, she served it in a very funny coffee mug.
Her hospitality caused some sadness and insecurity deep in my heart, but right now is not the time to get depressed about this kind of thing.
We sat side by side, our shoulders brushing because of the small size of the blanket.
We did this to retain the heat as best we could while our clothes are in the dryer.
Ciel-senpai, seeing that I have been able to calm down, she asks me calmly:
─So, Shiki. Do you think you can tell me what happened to you now?
I sighed a little, annoyed at her insistence.
The slightest attempt to remember... just wildly triggers all my dark desires of the moment and makes me want to throw up again.
I take a sip of the tea served for me. I manage to hold back my desire to vomit by doing that.
First I inhale some air. I want to say it once and for all to get it out of my system...
─Ciel... I... I-I killed... someone I didn't know...
─I could tell that, your uniform was stained with blood on the sleeves just like your hands and that scary thing about the knife. So, was that all?
...
Right now, Ciel is being too open with me.
I know this is not going to be the same tomorrow, but I want to take a break from everything that happened today...
The insecurity has not yet completely vanished.
And my heart will not recover easily from this fatal blow it has received...
I still feel the blood on my hands. On my nails. Even in the last dead cell in the palms of my hands.
I held the knife that killed that girl...
That is why I cannot forgive myself.
─I... can't... go back... to Aoko-san... or anyone else...
─But you are with me, Shiki. We've known each other for a few years, and I know none of that should have been your fault.
─No!
For her to say that, she just pissed me off.
By pushing Ciel away from me a bit, I made the cup he served me tea in to break.
Seeing the cup break, we both fell silent...
This is a waste of my time.
I went to get my uniform out of the dryer, even if it was still quite wet after washing. None of that matters, anyway, it's still raining out there.
I looked down at the knife on the sink... and took it anyway. Just holding this piece of metal makes me feel guilty for my sin.
But there is something I must do...
─Shiki, where are you going?!
Ciel approaches me to stop me.
In that little moment, I removed my glasses and as fast as a blink, I turn around and threaten to cut off one of her lines located on her shoulder.
─Don't stop me, stupid!
Ciel backs away, realizing the threat I pose right now.
Shiki Tohno is already a murderer... killing someone else would absolutely not cost me.
─I'm stronger than you, you idiot.
Ciel's expression changes... to one charged with frivolity. I feel my spine tremble a little, she could threaten my life too.
But I must stand my ground...
I do not want
show you what
I'm shaking
my fear floods me
every cell of me
even the smallest
she's afraid of Ciel.
I do my best, until I put the last drop of my will to stand against her.
Ciel... I...
─I just need, one cut, one cut is enough to kill you!
─Come to your senses, Shiki! You are not a murderer!
─You're lying!
─If you have so much courage, go ahead and kill me!
─!
The hand holding the knife begins to shake. My fear spreads up my arms and I feel cold sweat trickle down my cheeks.
I can hear my heart beat like crazy.
Every beat hurts----
And that exhausts my willpower...
I turn around, putting my glasses back on.
I keep the damn knife in my pocket. Heeding all my wishes to run from here.
There is one thing I must do...!
Sorry, Ciel.
I will continue to apologize to you, Aoko-san and Touko-san.
But this is something that only someone who already has blood on their hands can do...
I have to----