As it often happens after a blizzard, the world was at peace. The sun was shining in the cold blue sky, the snow gleaming in its rays, beautiful and clean. The wind was gone, and in its absence, everything seemed calm. Claire and I walked to the lakeside and sat on a bench, maybe the same one we had shared a long time ago. Now we were sharing a cigarette, watching the seagulls fly over the water.
Somewhere near, the Protectors were hiding in the shadows, watching us. For the first time in a while, I allowed myself to forget about their presence. I needed that respite before things that were about to come.
We were silent for the last ten minutes. It wasn't the awkward silence that pursued us through the past month, sometimes apparent, sometimes hidden between words of meaningless conversations. This silence was comfortable and right, the silence of two friends enjoying each other's company.
Claire was the first to break it. She stretched her legs, relaxing, and said:
'It was nice to meet your family.'
I looked away, somehow wounded by her words.
'They're not my family.'
'Really? But you seem so close.'
'They're just people I share history with.'
She breathed out a cloud of smoke, passed the cigarette to me.
'Isn't that what family is?'
I shook my head, then shrugged.
'I don't know. Maybe.'
Claire smiled.
'Anyway, I liked them. You and Mickey must have been a hell of an orphan duo, huh?'
She saw a shadow run across my face and sighed.
'Sorry. I didn't mean to say it like that.'
We were silent for a few minutes after that, finishing the cigarette. When it died out, Claire looked at me. Her smile was a little sad.
'You never told me how your mother died.'
I sent the cigarette stub flying into the trash bin, breathed in the cold air.
'There's not much to tell. She was sick for a long time. I took care of her as best as I could, but then it wasn't enough, and I... I had to make a call. She was taken to a hospital. As it turns out, it was a one-way trip.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Yeah, me too. I had a long time to think about it. Consider what I could have done differently.'
Claire put her hand on my shoulder.
'It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have saved her.'
She didn't even know how right she was.
'I know. That's not what I think about.'
I took another cigarette from her and lit it up. Smoke settled in my lungs, poisonous chemicals rushing through my blood.
'Nothing could have saved her, really. But I had choices. I think now that letting her die in her home, surrounded by people she loved, would have been a right one.'
What a horrible fate, to die away from your home, surrounded by strangers. To die in a cage.
These were the questions that were killing me inside, bit by bit, for all these years:
Were people taking care of her at the Farm kind to her?
Did they allow her to keep the clothes I packed?
Did they allow her to listen to the CDs I put in the bag?
When she was dying, was she able to hold our photo album?
Did it give her comfort?
Did she remember me?
Was she afraid? Was she in pain?
Was it fast?
Was it slow?
Was she alone when it happened?
And now the answers to these questions were within my grasp. The man who had them waited in my apartment. But I wasn't sure that I was ready to face him.
There was still a chance to end this madness. I could call the Protector right now. Tell her that I had found Zero. For her. I could walk away from all of this clear and safe. More than that, Tanya and Mickey won't be at risk anymore.
Or I could go home, face Zero. Learn everything there was to learn about her death. Learn things about myself I wouldn't even dare to imagine.
But then what happens next? I couldn't see this future clearly. Everything that Zero touched was unpredictable and dangerous. Will I be okay? Will people I care about get hurt? The outcome was out of my control.
I looked at Claire, bitter taste on my lips.
'Hey, have you decided on your major yet?'
She laughed.
'Not really, no. Why?'
'Just curious. I'm about to make a big decision myself. Well, not exactly. I guess I've made it a while back. But now I've come to the point of no return, sort of. It's my last chance to turn back. After that, it's all gonna be burned bridges. So I could use some advice, I think.'
She raised an eyebrow.
'Well, maybe if I knew the context...'
I waved a hand.
'No, context doesn't matter. It's the decision-making process itself that's the problem.'
She thought for a minute, then smiled.
'Well, when I have a hard choice to make, I use this trick. I flip a coin.'
I chuckled.
'Really? You leave the hard decision in your life to chance?'
'No, that's not the point. I flip a coin, then look at it. And if at that moment I think to myself "well, let's maybe make it two out of three", I know which side I don't want. It usually works.'
'So why haven't you chosen a major yet?'
She sighed.
'Can't narrow down the possibilities to just two choices yet. Fate isn't always binary.'
But in my case, it was.
I searched in my pocket, moving the Rubik's cube aside, and found a coin.
'Let's see then.'
I flipped it in the air and watched it fly.
The coin spun, sending reflections in every direction.
Truth or safety?
It stopped high above our heads, floated in one place for a moment.
Chaos or control?
The coin plunged down.
Pain or numbness?
It hit the ground, rolled away and disappeared into the water.
'Hey! You didn't catch it!'
A corner of my mouth curled up.
'Yeah. Turns out, I didn't need to.'
#
The sun was gone by the time I got home. It felt strange, opening my door, knowing that someone's waiting inside. I've forgotten that feeling.
My apartment was dark and strangely warm.
'Mickey? Are you here?'
Someone turned on the lights, and a second later, Mickey emerged from the kitchen.
'What took you so long?'
I waved plastic bags in the air.
'I brought food. Why are you sitting in the dark?'
He smelled it and smiled.
'Chinese? Cool. Well, I thought that the Protectors would be surprised if the lights were on, since no one was supposed to be here.'
I blinked.
'Good thinking. Where's Zero?'
Mickey grimaced.
'In the bathroom.'
'Why?'
'Go see for yourself.'
I gave him the bags and opened the bathroom door.
Zero was inside, sitting on the floor. His skin was gleaming with a gentle white glow. It was bright enough to illuminate the small room, turning it into high contrast cage of stark light and deep shadows.
'Oh.'
When the light from the hallway fell inside, Zero raised his head and looked at me, his eyes wide and dark. His skin slowly stopped glowing.
'Hello, Matthew.'
I swallowed.
'Hi, Zero. Are you hungry?
He tilted his head.
'For what?'
'Uh... food.'
He thought for a few seconds, puzzled, and then said:
'I haven't eaten food in a few days.'
I gestured to the kitchen.
'Well, I brought Chinese.'
Zero stared at me without emotion. I coughed.
'I mean I brought food.'
He smiled.
'Sometimes I like food.'
'Would you like to eat some? Some food?'
He shrugged, then stood up and went to the kitchen.
My kitchen wasn't very big, but it accommodated the three of us. Zero sat across from Mickey and me, eating with a ferocious appetite. His mouth was like a furnace, consuming noodles with incredible speed. At one point I thought I saw sparks flying out of his nostrils. He was done with his portion in mere seconds and looked hungrily around. I moved my box to him silently, and he snatched it away with a grin.
This time, he ate slowly, often getting distracted by some invisible things only he could see. Through all of this, he avoided looking directly at me and Mickey, but watched our shadows with something resembling caution.
Mickey leaned to me:
'Hey, where's Tanya?'
I gave Zero a careful look and answered in low voice:
'I send her home.'
Mickey raised an eyebrow.
'Why? Didn't she want to come?'
'Not exactly. And it wasn't her decision anyway.'
He curled his lip, then shrugged.
'Do you think I need to worry about that female Protector recognizing me?'
He was talking about the woman he accosted while wearing the janitor's uniform.
'No, not likely. Protectors are obsessed with secrecy and compartmentalization. Their teams are probably only briefed on the wraiths they're responsible for. But we'll ask Zero when he's finished.'
At that moment, Zero looked at us and said:
'Don't say their names out loud. They might hear.'
I took a deep breath.
'Are you done, Zero?'
He looked at his empty plate, then back at me.
'I'm done with Chinese.'
'We were looking for you for a long time.'
He didn't react.
'We were hoping that you'll be able to tell us things.'
'What things?'
I looked at Mickey, who sat quietly, looking at Zero with a strange, longing expression.
'Like why you came here, and...'
Zero got distracted, watching my shadow move on the wall. I got the feeling that he hadn't heard a word of what I just said.
I stood up, walked up to him, and put my hands on his shoulders.
'Zero.'
He was watching my shadow move across the floor, tense.
'Zero, I need you to do something for me. Something hard. I need you to become real, as real as you can. Can you do that?'
He finally looked at me, cold distance in his eyes.
'Yes, I can do that.'
I nodded.
'Please. We need to talk.'
He sighed.
'It won't be easy.'
'You need to try.'
He nodded, then turned away and closed his eyes. Then he whispered:
'I need an anchor.'
I leaned closer.
'I can give you that, Zero. Listen to me: Sergei Duncan. That is your name. You are Sergei Duncan, and you are a wraith.'