I never really understood my emotions and why I struggled to feel until I'd worked through the process, starting with my diagnosis.
Although I was aware of how I presented as a child, I didn't understand why or that it had anything to do with my emotions and why my brain wasn't able to connect with those emotions. I didn't know I had brain damage, let alone why. At the age of 46 and nine years on from my diagnosis I have now made the connections, now aged 55.
The nerve impulses brought about through damage around the sensory cortex means I can't and don't feel in the way we're supposed to feel. I just don't feel. The sensory receptors which we use to express our emotions and how we feel, aren't connected. As a child I didn't need the physical connections. Looking back, I understand why now.
This blog touches on the very heart of the issue. Although I know what empathy and compassion are, I can't feel empathy or compassion, but through my words I can empathise and be compassionate.
Also, over the years no physical or emotional connections were being made. The same is true around having a general desire to belong, to be liked and loved, emotional and personal support between family members. Autism has taken centre stage.
Where I struggle with my emotions and connections aren't able to be made, I have finally learned to compensate through my intuition, so I am not completely cut off. I read emotions.
What I find irritating is that I've had to piece my life and my disability together and I've had to do it on my own.