It's seriously stressing him out that they haven't had some proper closure yet. He tried to look for Hu Chuntian after school, but he can never bring himself to visit his house.
He can't see his limo anywhere, so he probably wasn't going to school much these days. His older brotherly side is worrying about his grades and his future even though he knows Hu Chuntian don't give a fuck about that.
He still care for the things Hu Chuntian don't care about. For his own well-being that he know Hu Chuntian would so easily give up just for him.
(That kid.... He really knows how to get me emotionally drained, huh? I don't like being reminded of him again and again by every single little thing.)
He sighed, and tried to focus on the camera. Even if the camera itself is another reminder of that kid.
While looking through the camera, he saw something on the side of the video of Ma Jianyu he caught in the hallways as practice.
"You should check if the lens are blurry or how good the adjustments are always." Ma Jianyu reminded him in the video.
He recorded for a while then Ma Jianyu took it from him. "Alright, can I see it?"
But that wasn't the important part. He paused the video to the part before Ma Jianyu took the camera from him.
There. It was a glimpse of a shadow standing farther down the hall. He zoomed in.
It was the deadly glare of a wrathful blond delinquent staring at the direction of the Theater Club president.
"Mo Aini x Ma Jianyu?"
He overheard the BL shippers clustered in a corner on their phones. He caught a glimpse of the picture they were looking at, but just hearing 'Mo Aini x Ma Jianyu', he can already guess what it was.
(Fuck, fuck, fuck! This can't be! Another fucking scandal!?) Mo Aini watched the look at Hu Chuntian's face in the video again. (God, he knows, doesn't he!? This fucking rumor spread to the freaking bad boy and now he's seething with anger and jealousy because of some dumb picture!)
He hope Hu Chuntian wouldn't kill him or Ma Jianyu. But with that deadly gaze hat can stab you with just one look, not to mention his history of violence, he can only pray that the gods save them.
"Da Ge, we need to talk!"
"Ack!" He almost fell off his chair and let go of the camera.
"Da Ge." Hu Chuntian picked him up by the collar like some kitten. "You. Me. Talk."
"Okay, okay! Anything you say, kid." Mo Aini raised his arm defensively and let Hu Chuntian drag him somewhere more private.
(Fuck, I rejected him and then he suddenly see another guy kissing my cheek! Of course, he'd be damn pissed! Those fucking fujos, uggghh!!!!!)
"Look, A-Tian. I can explain." He started, sweat pouring. "The picture.... It's not like what you think. It's...."
"What picture?"
Mo Aini blinked at the speed of light: "Huh?"
"Oh, you mean the Ma Jianyu thing? I don't really came here to complain about that, Da Ge." Hu Chuntian gave him a big bright smile like nothing has ever gone wrong between them and they were still like a sweet brotherly bond. "If you like being kissed by someone else and not me, I have no right to be angry, aren't I? I'm not your lover after all!"
Mo Aini breath out like he had just manage to dislodge a big thorn stuck in his throat. (THANK GOD, MAN!!!! I thought I was a goner there!)
He didn't realize the slight pain in Hu Chuntian's tone when he said the last sentence. Nor how forced the smile is.
Mo Aini's tense shoulders relaxed, seeing Hu Chuntian's usual toothy smile. "Then why are you here?"
"I want Da Ge to return all the chocolates I gave to him!" Hu Chuntian said proudly.
His eyes widened again, his brief moment of relaxation disappearing. "Hold up, Di Di! We both agreed that those chocolates aren't a freaking Valentine's gift and just a prank, right!? I don't have money to buy all that shit, the cost of all that might be my monthly bill at the dormitories in this fucking prestigious school!"
"Besides...." He scrunched his face, very annoyed. "I'm not a fucking girl. I know you like me, but that doesn't excuse you to treat me like one."
"But.... I never saw you that way, Da Ge." Hu Chuntian said. "Da Ge had always been the manliest and coolest person I know. I didn't mean to damage your masculinity by showing my love."
He looked away. "In fact, I'm willing to have any role if you would give this relationship a chance. I don't mind how you treat me at all. But for me, what Da Ge wants is what I want as well."
Mo Aini suddenly felt awkward like he was being the epitome of toxic masculinity here from what he said. It was all because of what those shippers said, making him frustrated and lashing out that frustration on Hu Chuntian who doesn't know anything about it.
It just sucks that he was being assigned with labels like 'shou' and 'girly' just from his personality or their impression of him. People assume a lot of things when it comes to people they don't know about, putting everyone in boxes and labels in their heads, and he had always hated labels.
He tried to brush off. "Hey, hey! That stuff..... Let's not even talk about them when they're not even important! We're just bros, right? Even if you try to do whatever I want, I won't like you and I'm sorry about that."
"Then... Da Ge, why don't you like me? Just tell me why, because if it's something I can't change, I'll give up." Hu Chuntian said with pitiful eyes. "Was it the way I act? My appearance? Tell me!"
"It's not that. Listen, A-Tian...." Mo Aini clenched his fist. "This kind of self-sacrificing.... This isn't love. You trying to fit into the things I like.... That's not love either. So I can't accept it."
"Then what is, Da Ge!?" His voice stated shaking now. "I can feel that I love you. I've read and educated myself on what could possibly be love, yet you're telling me this feeling that won't go away isn't!? What am I supposed to call it, then!? How do I make you see that I truly love you—"
Mo Aini finally couldn't stand it. "It's because I don't know what love is myself, okay!?"
Breathing heavily, he looked at Hu Chuntian's eyes.
"But I know what it's not. It's not guilt. It's not mere attraction. It's not this martyrdom you are trying to do, this suffocating selflessness that you have that is not just destructive to you, but for both of us!"
A moment of silence passed between them, only their heavy breaths can be heard in the empty hallway.
Mo Aini got a grip on himself and sighed.
He forced a smile. "Hu Chuntian, all I know is love is too complicated, while friendship is simple. Won't you go for the simpler path instead? The Easy Mode? We don't have to be lovers to go multiplayer, right?"
He placed a hand on Hu Chuntian's shoulder and tried to bring up video game terms to lighten the mood, but it was to no avail.
"If my life really is a game, Da Ge, you know I would never go for Easy Mode. Because unlike video games, I only get to play it once, and I only have this chance." Hu Chuntian brushed his hand away. "You should remember that too. You can't be indecisive forever. So....I'm asking you now to make a choice."
"The reason why I came to see you here is because.... I'm contemplating on studying abroad in the States."
Mo Aini's heart froze. ".....What?"
"My father called me." Hu Chuntian explained, eyes on the floor. "He told me I would just keep on having a rotten life if I don't get some discipline from his side. I would never be able to be an heir to the company. And I agree with him."
"I don't even want to be the heir. But.... I don't want to stay in China anymore. I know it won't change me into the righteous citizen he wanted me to be but..... Maybe it would give me some time off away from you. "
"He already bought a ticket for a flight two weeks from now, on the 30th. I came here to tell you this."
Mo Aini's face became grim. He understood. "You don't like seeing me, so you would leave."
"I do like seeing you. But it hurts. I enjoy every moment I see you and spend time with you but it hurts at the same time." A small bit of tear escaped from Hu Chuntian's eye, and he rubbed it away furiously.
"So how do you suppose I'd keep this friendship with you if I feel this way, Da Ge? You can easily read my expressions, and you'd begin to notice, so we'll get to this point eventually and fall out even if we try to pretend that everything is alright as much as we can. Because I can never see you as just a friend, Da Ge."
"You are special to me. I thought I was special to you too." Hu Chuntian couldn't bear it anymore and broke into sobs. "That night at Valentine's Day when we..... I really thought..... I was so stupid, we were drunk after all, it doesn't really mean anything....."
"What happened on Valentine's Day?" Mo Aini wiped his tears away and clutched his hand. "Tell me."
Hu Chuntian looked at him directly. "Tell me your decision first. If you see me, even just the tiniest bit more than a friend, I will tell you and I will stay. If not..... Let me go, Da Ge. Please."
"I..."
"Listen to what your heart wants, Da Ge. No excuses, no doubting. Just what you genuinely want. I need to know."
Mo Aini's mind was a mess. How can he even begin to consider asking his heart what it wants.....
When he knows that either path is hopeless, and would just cause despair in the end?
If he let Hu Chuntian leave, that would just make their separation earlier because he's leaving this world anyway. And when he finishes this game, he's never going to see any of these people again.
He'll be back to his dull, colorless world of a 24-year-old with no direction in life.
All choices are futile when you know how the ending will be.
"I don't.... I don't love you. I'm sorry."
He let go of Hu Chuntian's hand. He did his best not to stammer, but his voice was still shaky.
Hu Chuntian gave a pained smile.
"Understood. Then what happened during Valentine's Day.... Will be unspeakable between the two of us. But I will always remember it."
"Goodbye, Da Ge."
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~BRIBE ME, PLEASE~
Ok, I'm getting desperate and pathetic so now I'm willing to accept bribes. I get jealous easily of other books that have a huge following and get sad everytime, thinking what's the point of writing if I feel like no one's reading/appreciate it.
1 NEW 5 star review with genuine feedback (emojis and just saying compliments doesn't count) - 1 extra chapter
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