CONCEPTION/-
: An image, idea or notion formed in the mind; a concept, plan or design.
: The fertilization of an ovum by a sperm to form a zygote.
Onnen, for some reason his parents had decided to give him a Japanese name. Grudge or malice, it meant. At a tender age he displayed signs of a physically gifted child. Onnen was the start of his school's track and field team. He was going to be great, an icon like his idol Usain Bolt. That was before it happened.
The sickness. It was a late onset mutation that left his right foot impaired. Rendering it less that capable of full independent mobility. He had to employ the aid of a fancy leg brace to help him walk. He could never be a track and field superstar not with that leg. When puberty hit, Onnen was off again, obsessing over what he could never have. A girl who was out of his league, this was of course an understatement. If men were from Mars, then she was from Venus. Worlds apart with a near impossible chance of ever colliding, at least that's what the girl thought.
He sat on his bed in front of the laptop, snacking on jelly beans, curling his toes. He was starring at the screen, his gaze was unfocused. It was clear, his mind wasn't in the present.
He was reminiscent of the events of the previous night. Onnen had seen her, the girl he loved. Walking all alone down the street, her gait lethargic as she stared vacantly in to the void. Everything about her at that point screamed I'm unhappy!
All he had done was helplessly watch her get swallowed up by the cold dark world. In that moment Onnen had, had an epiphany. His helplessness when it came to her stemmed from something deeper.
It wasn't some hormonal driven impulse sparked by her awe inspiring beauty that had numbed his body. Onnen was in love with her, he had been for close to four years now, but the mere sight of her brought up feelings of great shame in him.
Evening was dawning over the high density suburban streets of Nkulumane. Onnen was amongst the horde of people transiting either from work or school. He gracefully walked, limping his way home carrying his backpack.
There was a semblance of innocent youth in his gait and demeanour. His small stature meant he could weave effortlessly through the masses, avoiding physical and eye contact. As he moved past an old woman he got distracted, losing focus of his set path. He didn't notice the weary man in a cheap suit limping from the opposite direction, he also had a leg brace.
Onnen almost bumped into him.
Everything about the man suggested emptiness and depression. The two stood toe to toe, there was a hint of recognition in their expressions. They played a game of chicken trying to dodge and move along. The weary man got tired of the game. He grabbed Onnen by the shoulders, looked him in the eyes and said;
"young man, pick a path and move along", then proceeded to pick Onnen up, placing him on the side and limped on.
Onnen just stood there blank. "That could be me in a few years", he thought to himself.
Onnen shrugged off the encounter, as he was about to continue his jorney home, his heart rate exploded and his chest tightened. His body had been rendered numb by nervous impulse which coursed through his veins.
The world around him appeared to be blurred out except for her, she was all he could clearly see. The one true constant. She had a body to die for, a perfect figure that fit in neatly into any dress, dark chocolate skin, long wild hair tied into a bun and Asian eyes. Naledi was her name, the white whale, disembarking from Jimmy's taxi. She looked sad and lost as she dragged her feet, walking past him. Even in her sadness all Onnen could think was, "my God she is beautiful".
Naledi was not the average high school girl. She had won the high school beauty pageant four years in a row and district schools beauty pageant two years in a row. In the mind of a sixteen year old boy, she was the perfect specimen.
Pretty on the eyes but Naledi's personality was not so rosy. She was the walking definition of a bitch, yet Onnen loved her. Naledi treated everyone like a toy, she glorified herself as a queen and even her friends were subjects to the deplorable throne, and yet Onnen loved her.
Just a few days prior to Onnen's body numbing experience, she had made it abundantly clear during History class that she found Onnen repugnant.
"Aww look, Onnie is checking you out", Thando had remarked.
"Onnie", that's what Thando, one of Naledi's friends called him.
"Look at the way he's smiling, I bet he's fantasising about kissing you", Sandra had said.
Naledi took a moment to visualize it. The thought of Onnen kissing her was repulsive enough to make her vomit, yet Onnen loved her.
She had called Onnen a "he ain't shit nigga", on several occasions, yet Onnen loved her.
"Onnie has the hearts for you", Thando had said and Naledi was quick to highlight that he was a useless nobody.
"But he's nice, smart and compassionate", she highlighted but, Naledi wouldn't have it.
"Nerds are boring, I want a real man, someone who will give it to me good, I want what's in a man's pants not his brains", she emphasized and yet, Onnen love her.
Just recently during Biology class Naledi had made fun of Onnen's disability as he limped to the front of the class to make his presentation. His disability stemmed from the Sandunsky's Syndrome. It was rare mutation which targeted the nerve system, inhibiting nerve impulses resulting in physical impairment. The mutation also induced Hypogonadism as it impaired certain functions of the hypothalamus and pituitary gland resulting in minimal to inert functions of the testicular gland which varied per case.
"What the F is Sandunsky's Syndrome anyways? Must be a retardation disease", Naledi had said and yet Onnen loved her.
"Don't do that Naledi, it's just a form of physical impairment. He's normal like everyone else", Thando pleaded.
Naledi found this to be amusing, stood up and imitated Onnen's gait. Thando was greatly offended by this, she banged the desk and yelled "Naledi Stop it!" Onnen was awed.
"Damn! Somebody actually stood up to Naledi" he thought.
Thando would proceed to smile and wave at Onnen, catching him off guard and making him blush.
"Argh Thando is weird, why does she smile at me all the time, what's her problem?" Onnen thought.
Onnen's blindness to Thando's overtures wasn't due to youthful ignorance, he was fully aware, just that his mind was preoccupied with an obsession over Naledi.
He had crossed paths with Naledi before high school, she didn't remember this but he did. He could never forget. Naledi had been his first love after all.
The two had "dated" for a brief five days back in kindergarten. She of course dumped him when a new boy had come to school with a brand new pencil set. For the next seven years he'd antagonize himself, pushing himself to be smarter than everyone else.
"Worth less than pencils," he'd curse.
Fate intervened and the two met again, this time in high school. Strung up on her love, he would try to prove his worth again. Onnen made his bold approach and all he could say was;
"uhmm, ehh, uhmm".
The memory of his first heart break was so strong it shut down his brains and vocal cords.
Most girls go through a transition at form three, that's when they developed a sassy persona but this was Naledi. She was an entitled bitch even at Form One. She couldn't help but burst out laughing:
"Aww poor kid, you can't even walk, what made you think you could talk to me in the first place", she continued.
Thando was there in the background, watching unamused. Onnen agonized over Naledi's words. Words which could have easily shattered any thirteen year old boy but this was Onnen, he had encountered Naledi before, he loved her after all.
In fact he was more offended by the fact that she didn't recognize him rather than the insult. How could she not remember him? He had been her first love, he had to be. After all how many boyfriends could a five year old girl have had before starting preschool?
It was at that point four years prior in Form One that he swore he would make Naledi remember him.
She knew Onnen loved her, Naledi had always known but didn't really care. Just to spite him, she would go on to court and seduce Thembani, kissing him in front of the whole class with her gaze cast on Onnen the entire time.
This was a display of power by Naledi. After all Thembani was Onnen's best friend. The entire move screamed you can never have this!
Thembani was a simpleton, all muscle and no brain. A sharp contrast of Onnen, yet he had befriended him. The pair had a symbiotic relationship. Thembani fended off the bullies and Onnen helped Thembani with assignments, keeping his grades from falling below average. In as much as Thembani would have had the notion of turning down Naledi and put his friendship with Onnen first, it was a highly improbable scenario. He was a testosterone filled boy after all. Most of his thinking was done by his fifth appendage instead of his brain.
Onnen would grow to resent the union between Naledi and Thembani. Seeing the pair together made him feel hollow and put a strain on his mentality. Onnen would always hide his pain with a faint smile. The union didn't last for long as Thembani would soon be forced to transfer. His father had gotten a job in the next city and therefore had to move with his family. Thembani's closest companions Onnen and Naledi were there to bid him farewell. They stood in the drive way waving bye as Thembani sat in the back seat of his father's car. Onnen couldn't be happier. After all the traitor who had stolen his girl was leaving. He wasn't even looking at the car. He was grinning at Naledi who stood next to him. All he could think was;
"im not a bad friend, I just want what was once mine back."
Over to the far side of the classroom and there she was, Naledi all alone and distraught. She was famous for throwing tantrums, so everyone knew not to get close or invade her private space. She was lonely and truly had no one. Onnen knew this wasn't one of her mood swings.
He had seen her the previous night, walking all alone into the cold dark world. Onnen tucked his jelly beans into his backpack, made his steady approach towards her desk, eventually reaching it. Naledi was lost in thought too oblivious to notice. He sat down in the chair in front of her, took a moment to gather his thoughts. He was going to say something short and meaningful then leave her space but then she gazed upon him, her expression indifferent and Onnen lost the plot. Her empty eyes swallowed him like whole. There was an tedious silence.
"What was the plan again?" Onnen asked himself. "Ohh right, keep it short, simple and precise" he continued.
"It's ok to be scared to be lonely, I'm scared too. Everyone needs somebody and no one deserves to be alone." He said reaching out, caressing her hand.
He had caught her off-guard. Tears formed in her eyes as Onnen gazed upon her soul. The sensation of Onnen's touch lulled her into a sense of comfort, but it was strange! She had experienced a touch of lust before but this was not it. She had never known this, a touch of genuine love and concern. Its human nature to fear the unknown, in an instant Naledi switched up to defensive mode.
"don't even think about it!" she lashed out.
Onnen knew that was his cue to leave, he had completed his task. As much as she hated him there was no way she was ever going to forget that one moment. Naledi sat by herself reminiscent. Onnen's touch was creepy, but it was creepy good. Good enough to make her insides warm and squishy.
He was the only one to have ever made her feel that way. She would proceed to walk up to him and say something something awkwardly nice for the first time in forever. Onnen was ecstatic, this was Naledi actually talking to him after all. He couldn't remember what she said but he knew he liked it.
"Can we talk after school, somewhere private and comfortable, your place perhaps" she added.
"No pressure", he retorted, he loved her after all.
A couple of hours later there she was, sitting on his couch in his living room. Naledi seemed anxious about something, twiddling her thumbs and checking her surroundings, but she wouldn't say. Instead she said something about feeling lonely and something about needing someone.
"You're not alone, im here", Onnen said.
"If I'm not alone then why are you not holding me Onnie? I want to feel happy again," Naledi said in a sweet vulnerable voice.
Onnie? a pet name? that was a first for her to call him by that name. Perhaps she really needed him. Her sweet puppy eyes mesmerized him as she leaned in and kissed him. She wanted to be happy and this she knew was one request Onnen wouldn't deny her. He loved her after all. She took a breather and whispered "make me happy Onnie."
Oddly enough Onnen was calm, too calm for a teenage boy about to have sex for the first time with his dream girl. He reciprocated what he'd been given and made her happy he did, just the way she wanted. He loved her after all.
This was heavenly bliss.
The following day did come, Onnen sat at his desk, watching Naledi walk into class. He had a smile on his face ready to greet her. She walked right past him without batting an eye. Yes, she was back to being her old self again. Onnen followed, limping to her desk, "Hey uhm", he greeted her.
Naledi rudely cut him off.
"Dude! don't! whatever delusions you have about us are just that. Delusions!"
Onnen was confused. He limped back to his desk, dazed. His confusion was justified, Just yesterday the two had engaged in intercourse on his couch. What delusions was she talking about? It was in that moment Onnen realized that this girl was sick in the head.
And just like that, everything went back to default. Onnen being a loser and Naledi being a bitch. For the next three weeks, Naledi would pretend the two hadn't had sex. Even if Onnen told everyone, non would believe him. Naledi would taunt him per usual and look down on him and now, Onnen no longer loved her.
Onnen had finally put the Naledi saga behind him, then the strangest thing happened. Naledi was at his desk, she had intent in her eyes. What did she want?
"Hie"
Onnen ignored her instead.
"We need to talk", she said, hesitant in her speech".
Onnen got up and limped out of the class. She meant nothing to him now. He no longer loved her after all. Naledi was shocked to the core, she wasn't used to being ignored by someone beneath her she was entitled after all. Naledi stormed after Onnen in anger. She grabbed him by the arm,
"I said we need to talk!", she hissed.
"Girl don't! whatever delusions you have about us are just that. Delusions!"
Onnen had just hit her with the Yata Mirror, used her own words against her. she was stunned. Naledi had no choice but to checkmate him,
"I'M PREGNANT!," she said.
"I know", Onnen shot back, snacking on Jelly beans. He had just hit her with a full counter.
"What do you mean no? Its your baby!", she paused for a second. "Wait what do you mean you know?"
A little while back, Naledi had been skipping the evening extra curricula class. She'd been having a sexual affair with Jimmy, the Taxi driver. They'd been seeing each other for a couple of months now and Naledi had slipped up, getting herself pregnant. Jimmy being a married man, he rejected the pregnancy. He wouldn't be caught dead with a pregnant under aged girl. Onnen knew about the affair. Naledi was dumb found, how had he known about the affair? It was a secret after all.
Onnen was the one to have told Jimmy about the wild beau in his class, too mature for her age. He had been responsible for sending the wolf knocking at the sheep's door. Onnen had always known, he was obsessed with Naledi. He paid meticulous attention to her. Noticed every subtle change and detail. He loved her after all.
A week prior to them having intercourse, he noticed a change in Naledi. She started getting sensitive to certain odours, and foods. Started having an increased intake of salt. Then her skin, she was getting lighter, Onnen had been following her when he spotted her throwing up behind the science lab. In that moment, Onnen's suspicions were answered but he still needed to be certain of one thing.
Then the day of the dreaded body numbing experience came. He saw her disembarking from the taxi. Everything about her screamed lonely and depressed. It was in that moment that Onnen knew for certain that Jimmy was the father. He had known about the affair after all. It wasn't shame that numbed him up. His nerves were over run with ecstatic impulse.
Naledi was distraught. What would her mother think if she knew she was pregnant, or worse sleeping with a married man? What would she do? She had no real friends, she was an entitled bitch after all.
Sitting on her bed, her head arched down, resting on her knees, Naledi had moment of genius, or so she thought. What if she seduced this boy who loved her into sleeping with her? He was the only one brave enough to walk up to her and try to be friends or more after all. That would solve the Jimmy problem, she could just pin the pregnancy on Onnen. Compared to all the other boys, his family seemed a bit more financially stable.
It would be less embarrassing if it was a boy her age. A boy whose family was financially stable. That was her conception, she should known it would be her folly.
Naledi wasn't as cunning as she thought.
"You should have should have paid more attention in Biology class", Onnen highlighted.
He had Sandunsky's which impaired functions of his hypothalums and pituitary gland. As such it induced hypogonadism as his testes couldn't produce sufficient testosterone to initiate optimal spermatogenesis. In simpler terms Onnen couldn't possibly father any children because he couldn't produce any sperm. Knowing this, he let Naledi think she gained the upper hand and seduced him. All he wanted was the free sex which Naledi had offered on a silver platter.
"How could you use me like this, I thought you loved me?!" she barked.
"Onnie doesn't love you, he never did", interjected Thando.
She'd been there from the very start, listening from the sidelines. Naledi Thando and Onnen had attended the same kindergarten. Naledi and Onnen just didn't remember but Thando did. How could forget, Onnen he was her first love after all and Naledi was the girl who had broken the boy she loved.
Any girl could break a boy's heart and get away with it but this wasn't just any boy. This was Onnen.
"Intention to harm or deprive in an immoral way. Desire to take pleasure in another's misfortune", that was the fullest definition of his name.
He was going to show her what if felt like being worth less than pencils. He was going to break her psyche like she did his. And Thando, she was going to enjoy watch him dismantle her. For four years the two had fed Naledi's addiction for grandiose gratification. They had willingly made themselves less than human in her eyes. Onnen was just a thing and Thando just a lackey. They'd made her feel like she needed no one, in turn stopped her from making real friends who would counsel and comfort her in time of need.
Onnen would proceed to feed her to the wolf Jimmy and when she truly needed someone, she had no one. The only thing available to her was the less than human Onnen. He made himself the only viable choice. If he was less than human, Naledi would be the fool who got shagged by the thing worth less than pencils. That was his conception. How could she ever forget him now?
Onnen wasn't just any other boy, his name translated to English meant grudge and/or malice after all.
"Men take heinously to be laughed at or derided"– Thomas Hobbes.