I kept running and running, and I didn't stop. By the time I hit the next block over I'd started to garner more than a few concerned look. I didn't blame them I probably looked crazy.
With tears streaming down my most-likely red and splotchy face and my hair wild from the run, my hands shaking and the horrid gasping breaths I have to keep taking in order to force air into my lungs. Yeah, I'd be concerned if I were them too.
Forcing myself to calm down enough to get on a subway, I scrub furiously at my face. The tear tracks have somewhat dried making my skin feel tight and scratchy. I ignore it, it isn't hard because I'm practically numb. I find a seat in a secluded spot in the back, and stare emptily at the opposite side of the car.
Leg bouncing and fingernails tapping on my thigh in a frantic rhythm, I take measured breaths holding them for three seconds each and then exhaling. Repeating the process again and again until I finally feel somewhat human, or at least like I'm not going to crawl tight out of my skin at the next louder than average sound.
By the time the subway gets to my stop I've managed to control myself a little more. I've also just realized with my hasty retreat from my apartment I have nothing on me except the few cards that slide into the slot in my cellphone cover which are my drivers license, my metro card, and my emergency credit card. Well, at least I have my phone so if anything goes wrong I can call 911.
Feeling slightly comforted I step off the subway and make my way through the bustling station and onto the street. As a general rule I stay away from the subway as much as I can, my episodes and public transportation aren't a good mix however for what I had to do I didn't want any witnesses.
Pulling my cellphone from my pocket, I shoot Emma a quick text letting her know I'm fine and that I had some stuff to do tonight and I needed to cancel our dinner plans. It's still early and I could probably make it for dinner but I don't think I'm in any state to be in Emma's presence right now, or anyone else for that matter.
She responds in moments with a: 'Sure sure. Followed by an: 'Is everything all right?'
'All good just some work stuff. See you later, love you. x'
She might still track my phones location if she thinks I'm having an episode or if I go too long without responding or checking in with her but as soon as she sees where I am she'll drop it, I know that. Emma might be a little intrusive sometimes but she always respected the time I spent her even if she didn't or couldn't understand it.
Tucking my phone away again, I walk the few blocks to my destination in an eerie sort of silence. My entire world feels like it's balancing of the blade of a knife right now, one wrong move and I'd falling off the edge, cutting myself to pieces in the process.
I get there just as the sun is starting its slow descent across the sky, the afternoon light is far calmer than the blazing noon sun. It's uncharacteristically hot today and I'm grateful for the lush trees linning the path that provide me with shade.
The smell of greenery and freshly turned soil fill my nose, it makes me want to sit down and savor the moment. It's rare to smell anything even remotely natural in the city and this is a pleasant change. Granted, it's not exactly an ideal picnic spot but I've always felt strangely calm and at ease here. Maybe it's the fact that this is the last place I feel connected to my family. The last place I saw any of them.
I walk over to the row of stones, instinct guiding me now more than anything. I'd memorized the layout of this particular graveyard simply because I'd come her so often after it all first happened.
Now, standing in front of the last physical reminders of my parents and brother, I feel that old fracture in my heart start to ache. Most days it's easy to ignore but today, today it throbs and pulses and demands I pay attention.
Sinking down into the neatly trimmed grass, I cross my legs and face the three stones that are all that's left of the Landry family outside of me.
"Hey guys," I say, my voice already cracking and growing thick. I feel my face heating up, and the wind whipping around me only serves to make me feel warmer as my eyes start to burn and my throat closes.
Dammit, how do I still even have any tears left to cry?
"I know it's been a while and I'm sorry, I've been busy and that's no excuse for not coming sooner but it really has been crazy. My boss finally started trusting me with more critical pieces. I wrote a piece about a corrupt company going to trail recently, covered the whole thing from start to finish. You would've loved it mom, right up your alley with all the business talk. In fact, I could've used your help with understanding all the big words that were going around, it would have been so much quicker if I could just ask you instead of having to research.".
I say to the stone right in front of me. Staring at the words engraved into the black granite, Peter Landry, loving father and husband. I sucked in a shaky breath and forced myself to keep going. Updating my family on all the things that have been happening in my life since the last time I came here. I told them about Doctor Delaney and going back to therapy and my memories coming back and Emma being weird and my suspicions about Haider keeping secrets. All of it.
I avoided speaking about Dastan for as long as I could, my parents loved him like their own son but there was something so inherently messy about my relationship with Dastan that it felt wrong to talk about it at my family's graves. And anyway, if Tommy were alive he'd probably throw a fit about me hooking up with his best friend. He never did like the idea, always told me I was being the annoying little sister with the very obvious crush.
Guess he didn't realize Dastan felt the same way I did. Although, right before he died Tommy mentioned how he thought Dastan and I made a good couple, he didn't know we were together though so I guess it doesn't necessarily count.
Eventually, I run out of things to say as the sun sits low, threatening to sink beyond the horizon. I should probably leave, I wouldn't want to be in a graveyard when night fell but my heart sat heavy in my chest and even though I'd unburdened myself by telling my family everything I still felt like a led weight pulling me down.
So, without stopping to think of the consequences of anyone over hearing me I start telling them about the dreams and my suspicions after finding the picture of David Striegl. I offload all of it.
"Please tell me what to do, daddy. I know I've messed up and I'm not sure how. I just need you to help me please. I need you to tell me how to fix it." I plead no longer capable of holding the tears at bay.
I let them fall freely, my eyes burning as the wind caresses my skin making my tear tracks turn to ice and my eyes to feel like they've just been taken out of the refrigerator, so cold it practically hurts.
"Please, tell me what to do. I need you. Daddy, I wish you were here to make it all better. I miss you so much. I miss your hugs and your smile but most of all I miss how you always knew exactly what to say and do to put me a better mood. I just really miss you, all of you, I know you're with me though, sometimes I look up at the stars and wonder if you guys can see them too. Can you? I bet they look much better wherever you are right now, the city has the worst night time view but you already knew that." I laugh weakly, rubbing tears from my eyes.
I should go, the sun's already almost gone but I don't move I just bow my head against my knees and taking shaky, rasping breaths. "I miss you so much and I love you." I say right as I break down and cry.
The tears begin to flow freely and soon I'm bawling my eyes out in a way I haven't since they died. Huge, gasping sobs, tears falling down my cheeks, my nose red and runny. I cry and cry, mourning my family but also the girl I was when they died because she died that night with them. The bullet she took killed her and I've just been using this body ever since. I wasn't her anymore and it's terrifying that it took me three years to realize it.