I'm protecting you, I'm protecting you, I'm protecting you. His rough voice repeating the words like an echo in my head. I can't focus on anything but those words and what they mean. My breath catches the longer I watch him, he seems uncertain now that he's put those words out into the air between us. I don't think I even have the capacity to contemplate what exactly is happening right now. "What?" I ask, standing there dumbly.
"I know Theo's been through a lot recently but I also know he's more than capable of taking care of himself. This isn't about him." He says, turning away from me again. I watch as his shoulder heave with each shuddering breath.
"So, what is it about?" I ask, my voice barely a whisper as I attempt to speak over the frantic pounding of my heart. I'm not sure where this conversation is going or how we got here in the first place. Wasn't this supposed to be me talking Dastan out of making a scene and now I suddenly feel like it's something more important; vital. It feels like I should be paying closer attention, taking notes… something.
"I know you care about Connor, I saw how upset you were this weekend. I hate that you had to go through that and I hate that I'm the reason it happened but even worse than that, I hate that I couldn't protect you." The way he says it has all of my attention trained to his broad form as he paces across the floor in front of me. The backdrop of his childhood bedroom doing more to make him appear vulnerable and in this moment I want to absolve him of all this responsibility he carries for everyone around him. I want him to know it's okay to not take care of all of us sometimes.
"It isn't your job to protect me," I say gently, I keep my voice soft. Although I'm not sure I could speak at any decibel above a whisper right now. In fact, I don't think I want to, there's something about what's happening that feels so fragile like speaking too loud might cause the entire moment to shatter into a million pieces. "Look, I do care about Connor but I don't want to be with him and in a way I'm happy that whatever this is with Theo seems to make him happy. He deserves that."
"What about you?" He responds instantly, there's a earnestness to his expression that has me rooted in place but it doesn't seem to have that effect on him because he takes a tentative step toward me. Slow, cautious, as if he's afraid I'm going to run.
"What about me?" I ask in a breathy sort of whisper, watching as he continues to approach me. I swallow trying to clear the evidence of my suddenly racing pulse and chaotic mind from my voice. I don't know why this conversation feels like we're talking about more than just letting our friends be happy but it's affecting me in a way I can't explain.
"Don't you deserve to be happy, too?" The question is so unexpected that I actually give him an honest response. Or maybe I answer honestly because I'm too distracted monitoring how he's stalking toward me like a predator ready to pounce.
"I had it once, and I threw it away. I don't get a second chance." I say without taking so much as a second to think. It sounds pathetic and miserable and the moment the words leave my lips I regret them, that was not information that he should have. It's one thing for him to know that I'm still attracted to him, it's entirely another for me to admit to still having feelings for him. I might have come to terms with it but it doesn't need to be common knowledge.
He stops in front of me and the air becomes charged with something, something heavy and thick and full of intent. I can't quite grasp it but that might be because I can't seem to find my way out of his heated onyx stare. He reaches out, his knuckles grazing my cheek, fingers trailing after. I let out a quiet gasp as his skin makes contact with mine, little bolts of lighting spearing out from the places his fingers brush. My eyes flutter for a beat and then I lean into it. Maybe it's intentional, maybe it isn't- I couldn't say for sure because he's already leaning in and all I can do is watch, captivated by the way his eyes seems to grow larger until they're the only thing in my field of vision.
He's less than an inch away when he whispers my name, I can tell he wants to say more but all he gets out is "Kiera-" before there's a knock on the door that startles me so badly I lurch forward and further into Dastan's space, bumping into his chest. His hands settle on my waist for a moment and I feel his fingers flex against the thin material of my shirt causing me to turn my eyes back to his and find him already looking down at me.
I open my mouth to say something but Haider's voice carrying through the door interrupts me, "Everything okay in there you two?" I hear in his voice a deeper layer of suspicion and I remember the feeling of their eyes trailing us out of the kitchen. It snaps me instantly back to the seriousness of this situation, God only knows what they all think is happening in here right now.
"Yeah, just a minute." I call back, unable to take my eyes off of Dastan, like I'm under a spell I stay unmoving in his hold. Waiting for something, unsure and afraid. There's a new emotion in his eyes, regret maybe or something close to it. I feel the weight of his hands on me then, feel shame slick as oil slide over my skin. What am I doing right now? Isn't this the reason everything was messed up in the first place? He's already made it clear that this thing with us is nothing more than some residual attraction so I shouldn't be doing this. I know he sees what I'm thinking in my expression because he opens his mouth to say something and I know that whatever it is I'm not strong enough to hear it.
Turning away, I take a step to put some distance between us and hurriedly swing open the door coming face to face with Haider. His hand is raised as if he were planning to knock again and it hangs suspended in the space in front of the now opened door for a brief instant before he lets it drop to his side. His eyes shift from Dastan to me and back again and whatever he sees causes him to frown.
My cheeks color with embarrassment and his eyes narrow in response. I've just dug a hole for myself, haven't I? Offering him a tentative smile, I scoot around him and make my way downstairs. I hear him start to say something to Dastan but I don't stick around to listen. I'm a idiot, I should've known better.
When I get back to the kitchen everyone's seated around the dinner table. They all turn as I walk in and I stop unsure about if I should explain what just happened. I don't really get the chance because in the next moment there's a presence at my back. I know it's him without having to turn around cause I smell the distinct woodsy scent of him. Emma's smirking in that mischievous way that tells me I'm not going to like what she has to say and Zahra smiles kindly from her spit next to Emma. My eyes however settle on Theo and Connor seated together both of them watching Dastan and I in the doorway. Shit I never did get Dastan to agree not to say anything about the two of them. My spine stiffen as I prepare for the possibility that this could get ugly but Dastan places his palm on the small of my back forcing me further into the room. He leads me all the way to the table and gently pushes me into a seat before leaning down to whisper in my ear. I don't look at him but from the shocked expressions on everyone else's faces I can only assume they're alas confused as I am. "We'll talk about this later." He tells me, his demanding tone letting me know that it isn't a request. I barely breath as he straightens up, brushes a few loose strands of hair behind my ear and walls to the other side of the table.. For the rest of the night I feel the echoes of his touch on my skin and it drives me insane.