"So, you don't think Connor was upset?" Dr Delaney asks, she's sitting in a direct stream of sunlight filtering into her office. Her short brown hair bleached almost blonde in the light, she looks ethereal, I turn my gaze back to the ceiling.
"He said he wasn't upset," I repeat. "He told me I had no obligation to him and that if I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship he was okay with it. That he just wanted to get to know me better." Honestly, that response puzzled me more than anything else. I'd been expecting him to scream and shout and make accusation, rightfully so. I mean I did take him out with my friends only to have an intense, intimate moment with my ex boyfriend in front of everyone in the middle of a crowded New York City sidewalk. I would've completely understood if he'd been mad, but he wasn't and the worst part was that he seemed sincere.
"What about Dastan?" she queries, her skinny brows rising over her dark eyes. Everything about her is nondescript, my mind idly registers. She doesn't have one remarkable feature about her, that isn't to say she's unattractive. It all works well together, but there's nothing striking.
"What about him?" I'm so full of crap. I know what she's asking me, I just don't know if I want to be honest right now.
"How does he factor into all of this?" she asks, there's a curious quality to her voice. It's not an accusation but there's definitely insinuation.
"He doesn't," I cross my arms defensively over my chest, she can't really see it because I'm reclined on her couch but I think she gets my message anyway. "He's got nothing to do with my relationship with Connor." It's a bald-faced lie if I've ever heard one. I'm sure she must pick it up, it's her job to know when I'm lying. After the other night I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore. I was so convinced I was ready to move on from Dastan, now I'm just confused. I know there's no possibility of anything happening between us but I just can't get my heart on board with that. Being in his arms like that, even though it wasn't anything romantic, felt unerringly like coming home.
I'm fully cognizant of the fact that Dastan wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole ever again, but I can't fight that fluttering in my belly every time I think about his arms around me. The way his breath felt ghosting across the sensitive skin of my collarbone, the feeling of his fine hair slipping through my fingers. It's futile but I can't stop the way my body responds to him. Besides, it's pointless. Dastan, evidently, doesn't do relationships anymore.
After that whole debacle outside the club on Saturday, Anne and I had a conversation. I'd wanted to apologize to her for the way it all probably looked, I wanted to make sure we were still good. She'd promptly informed me it didn't matter because she and Dastan weren't together, and that they'd only been dating for as long as he was in London. He'd went into their relationship with an expiry date at the ready. She confided in me that he'd told her not to fall in love with him because he wouldn't be falling in love with her. It didn't sound anything like the Dastan I knew, but I think I'm starting to realize that boy is long gone.
Doctor Delaney makes a pointed sound, my gaze swings to her. She's resting her pen against the edge of her notebook, "Have you spoken to him since the incident?" That's another sore spot for me. I've been avoiding Dastan like the plague since everything happened. I can't look at him and not feel the way his body fit perfectly around mine. It's driving me batty, that's why I brought it up in therapy. I figured if anyone can help me, it's a person qualified to deal with crazy.
There's also the added factor that for some reason I don't think he and Emma are being entirely truthful with me. I can't recall exactly why but I know that there's something more they're hiding. Maybe they think I'm too fragile to handle it or whatever but I know they've been keeping secrets. After the whole Haider debacle at the gala I'm less inclined to ignore this feeling in the pit of my stomach, let alone that niggling sensation at the base of my skull making me think there's something I'm forgetting. I know I remember the entire moment I had with Dastan after he almost got into that fight but why was he fighting again? There's something there I can't quite pinpoint.
"No," the sound leaves me like a sigh. "I don't know how to face him. I know he hates me and I can't deal with the fact that I'll never be able to make myself as numb to it as I want to be."
"Why are you so sure he hates you?" she asks. I give her a disdainful look and she throws her hands up in defense and changes tactics. "Okay," she begins slowly, her voice taking on a soothing timbre. "Let me ask you this?" I know I'm not going to like where this is going. I've got this nagging sensation in my gut that tells me she's about to drop a truth bomb I'm not ready to hear. "If he hated you, why did he let you touch him like that? Why would he let you hold him, or look for comfort in you when he was distressed?"
"That's not- He didn't-" I start then stop myself not sure exactly how I want to phrase it or if I even know how to respond to it. If I'm being totally frank there was a moment, right before we pulled apart where I could've sworn I felt his hands tightening on my hips and his lips grazing the front of my shoulder, right next to my collar bone. It was such a fleeting moment I'm pretty sure I imagined it or maybe it was just an accident but a small hopeful part of me wants it to be real. Because in that moment it felt like we could just fall back into being us and everything would be all copasetic again.
"Listen, we don't have much time left for this session," she interrupts my inarticulate attempts at explanation kindly. "But I want you to make an actual effort with him from now until our next session together." She gives a genial smile, her brown eyes crinkling on the corners charmingly.
"Why?" I don't do much to mask my confusion. It's pointless. She knows she's thrown me for a loop on this one.
"Because he's important to you." She states simply. Well, she's not wrong. Dastan's presence will always be the cardinal point around which I orient my life. "Because I'm not completely convinced he hates you and if there's anything you can salvage between the two of you, it's worth at least a shot." She adds earnestly. "Besides, maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I think there's a lot going unsaid between you two." All I can do is nod, I'm not exactly sure what she wants me to say. I'm torn between wanting to believe what she says and knowing that my relationship with Dastan has been wrecked beyond repair. We'll never have that again, because of me.