The train roared through the station and I got on with the flood of passengers. The heat was blazing inside, contrasting the chilliness outside. It was like I stepped into a new world, one where it wasn't as cruel and cold. I was comforted by the warmth of the train and I didn't have to keep myself warm from the elements outside. In a way, this was a fantasy compared to the temperature outside... reality. I thought about Linda-san and how she wished her love would be as warm and comforting but reality didn't play out that way for her. I'm sure she would love to fall in love with glamour and fireworks. However, reality rarely compares to fantasy...
As I filtered into the train, I found a seat near the door. So, I checked my phone to see Sensei's address. It seemed that I will be on the train for a long time as So-chan mentioned earlier.
"I have to get off in around an hour."
I reminded myself. I would be on the train for a least an hour. Thankfully I found a seat so I could look on my phone at STARS news and upcoming plans for Christmas. I… would love to bring Linda-san to the Christmas party that Mae-chan suggested a few days back at the concert. If everything goes well… maybe Sophia-chan and Linda-san can have their holiday together as a family if... everything worked out.
As I sat there, allowing the train to pull me along gently, I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. Like Linda-san, I experienced a love that I pained over for a long time. One that still hurts. It hurts to think that things aren't like in the movies.
I recalled the series of princess movies I watched with Mae-chan and her cousins when I was young. I would always play the part of the princess while Mae-chan would play the part of my prince. I remember when I would ask Mae-chan to reenact parts of the movie we just watched together. I… was a very high maintenance child. One day I would be a princess from a desert kingdom of whatever nation that came to mind. The next day I would be a long-lost daughter of a king and queen who was kidnapped. Mae-chan would save me and I would… reward her with a fake marriage and kisses. It… was a super embarrassing time that I hoped Mae-chan forgot all about…
But no matter the story I imagined… Mae-chan would always play the part of the prince and we would…
always end with a happily ever after ending, just like in the movies.
"But life… isn't like that."
I whispered. The truth pushed out of my lips as I rode along on the train. I'm sure some people do find a version of a fantasy love… but the reality is, most of the time fantasy doesn't measure up to reality. There is a reason why those stories are fantasy… because we shouldn't compare them to our lives.
No matter how much it was going to hurt her, I needed to show Linda-san that life is rough. But if we worked at it together… I'm sure both of us could find a version of happily ever after. A… more realistic happily ever after.
It was going to be a long ride so, I decided to close my eyes and meditate as the train ventured across Hiroshima.
The train's crowd of people was tapering off as we reached each stop. Occasionally more people would rush in but as the time passed, it was clear to me how far away I was going by how empty the train became. I sat patiently, waiting for my stop which was likely still half an hour or so away. Commuters were idly chatting as some were focused on books and music like me. There was a group of schoolgirls gossiping about makeup, music, and simple high school worries that I could overhear. Saya-san and Takade-san mentioned to me over the weekend that these are the years that I should be worrying over things little things like they are. Me and my friends... shouldn't be caught up in all of these horrible situations.
I… wished that someday all of my friends and family would have simple worries like those high school girls across the way. I wished that Mae-chan didn't wake up with no energy because her depression became too much in the morning. I hoped that one day, Sophia-chan wouldn't feel guilty because she believes she destroyed her family... to protect her sister from an abusive relationship. I constantly worried about my favorite ghost, Yuko-chan. She confided in me recently about her grandmother's inheritance. To have that looming over her as she tries to wade her way through high school... Yuko-chan has a lot on her plate. But then... there's the Okabe's and their... abusive parents. Nobody should ever have to experience trauma like what they are going through. Even my worries about my family and how everything around me and them is crumbling apart…
Nobody should have to suffer through what we are all going through.
"I wish…"
I murmured with my eyes closed.
"I wish my friends and family wouldn't have to worry about all that they're going through."
I decided that as I grew, I would do all that was in my power to help my friends with their struggles. In a way, I wanted everyone to live in a world where we can all rely on and help one another through our hardships. It sounded like a fairytale in my head... even though I plan to go to Linda-san's place to make her face the reality of her situation. It was strange that I was thinking this way. In order to help Linda-san find that perfect fairytale she so desperately wants... I would need to crush her dreams and make her face reality.
"Linda-san..."
As I calmed my mind, I heard the chime for the next stop signal. When I looked at the stop's name, I realized that this was where I needed to get off. I was in the further parts of Hiroshima, closer to Matsuyama if I had to pinpoint where I was. From what I read on my phone, this area was full of college-age students and young adults. Near here was a well-known college for doctors and nurses. It was called the Yu University and if students graduated from here, it was likely they would get a profession in the medical field. It seemed to be the place that Linda-san was going to. It made sense because of her degrees and working for the school as an intern nurse.
When we came to a stop, I stepped off the train and found myself in an unfamiliar station. I felt a bit worried because of it as it began to sink in that I've never been this far from home... and alone for that matter. As if someone released the shackles on my legs, Mary-san technically allowed me to go anywhere as long as she knew where I was going and who I would meet. Unlike mom, who would watch me like a hawk, their parenting styles were different. In a way, the absolute freedom was jarring for me. Maybe if I had spent my middle school years going out with friends, I might have developed more of a sense of independence. But due to my coma in the critical years of my life... I never got the chance to actually spread my wings. So this station, this city felt like a new world to someone who never strayed so far away before.
"I need to find her apartments..."
I mumbled to give myself a jump start. So, to kick my body into gear, I began walking briskly. The more confident I looked, the better I felt about being so far away from home. The female GPS voice spoke to me as I turned the corner after getting outside of the station. It was like I had a friend at my side, keeping me from feeling completely alone.
The streets were lit up and buildings and businesses were still booming with people going in and out. College students and younger adults bounced from place to place as they made their way to parties, bars, restaurants, and the like. The place I needed to go to was an apartment near the college campus. I took it Linda-san was staying there due to the proximity of the campus. The college was named, Yu University, and I heard that it was a prestigious medical school. With the money her family has, I can see why Linda-san is currently enrolled there. One would have to do amazing in their schooling or have the pocket money to make it there right out of high school. Linda-san isn't from Japan either so that only added to the idea that money helped get her there for sure.
"Hey, look at that high schooler over there..."
I heard a few older girls, likely from Yu University, whispering about me. I take it that it was strange of them to see a high school girl in uniform walking around this university area. Not only that, I was from Jinda High School, a school almost an hour away from here. It's not like my uniform wasn't recognizable either in Hiroshima. So, this made me out to be an outsider if anything. All the too unwanted attention was causing me anxiety. So, I walked faster as I made my way to the apartments nearby. The students here were the same age give or take as Sensei. It reminded me of how young I was compared to them. I… was out of my element and far away from home. I needed to be careful if anyone approached me...
After what felt like endless walking, I finally reached a large apartment complex that the GPS told me about. The outside was a boring grey and the henges were a bright blue that didn't compliment each other. I was surprised that the designers got away with such an ugly design for an apartment that was so close to Yu University. As I journeyed through the outside, the exterior only got uglier, and it was depressing to look at. Some walls were painted green, while others were red and dark blue. It was like looking at a twister game board painted all over the place.
"What's going on with this place?"
I complained.
I wasn't here to be the architecture guru though, so I ignored it as best as I could. In a hurry, I made my way up to the third floor where the numbers changed from 100 to 200... and finally to the 300s where Linda-san was staying.
"Room 342"
I reminded myself. With each step, my feet felt lighter to my surprise. My motivation was starting to peak as I search each door I passed. With haste, I rushed towards the room door. My heart began to beat faster as I finally turned to the gold plate that read, "342." Linda-san's room number. I straightened my back and reached out my hand. With a firm knock, I called out to... my partner.
"Taylor Linda-san. It's me… Nakagawa Madoka."
I waited for a moment to not rush her if she was coming. But then I thought about it. I actually didn't know if Linda-san was home, and the idea that she might have gone out without her phone just crossed my mind. There was the chance that… Linda-san and I wouldn't have a chance to talk after I came all this way. My mind began to race as I asked the question... "What if she wasn't answering my calls because she was out with friends? What if she was still out and wasn't coming back tonight? Was I going to stay there and... wait all night in hopes that she decided to come back if that was the case?"
My anxiety was getting the best of me so, instead of waiting any longer, I knocked on the door again.
"Linda-san, I want to speak with you…. Please open up."
It was silent at first but suddenly, I heard someone moving from inside. My heart was beginning to race as I realized that someone was inside, hiding away as a bunny would hide from a wolf. So, I pressed the issue, pleading for the wounded dove to answer me.
"Linda-san, I know you're there. Please let me in."
I could feel a person on the other side of the door. It was a barrier, shielding Linda-san from the cruel world that stole romance from her. I felt a large pit in my stomach as I stood out there. As I waited, people older than me, likely college students, passed me and gave me odd glances. Linda-san wasn't budging… and I believe I knew why she wouldn't want to see me either...
"Linda-san…"
If she opened up the door and let me in... we would end up speaking about what happened... and she knew that it would destroy any lingering chance that her fairytale could still exist. Just by me being here at her door... showed that her fantasy was about to be shattered. I was her partner in the game of love... and Linda-san knew that if I was here... she lost. I was the one that promised to be with her in the best of times… and the worst of them. I represented… the truth of what was happening to her. That her fairytale… was just that… a fairytale...
"Linda-san... you can't stay in there forever..."
I brought myself closer to the door and set my finger on the wood. I put my ear close to the door without touching it and whispered to her gently.
"Linda-san… Please… you helped me when didn't know what to do. When I didn't know who to trust... because I couldn't trust my own feelings. Y-You guided me, Linda-san."
My hands were shaking, and I was becoming scared. I… was worried that Linda-san would reject me and everything I've been fighting for… a happy ending for both her and Sophia might be crashing down around her. So… I pleaded with her as my fingers pushed on the wooden door between us.
"Linda-san… I want to hear your side of all of this. I know how So-chan felt... but I want to know what's going through your mind right now. I… I want to help you… just like you helped me."
I closed my eyes, and I raised my voice slightly.
"It's not because you helped me either. Taylor Linda-san… you are an amazing, kindhearted person… that deserves to be happy. I want to be there... so we can discuss this. I want to help you... because of your a wonderful person. Don't push me away now."
My voice began to shake as the fear crept into me. She didn't have to let me in. There was nothing stopping her from keeping me out here until I went away. But if that happened... It would show that my connection with her... wasn't as strong as I made it out to be. After a brief pause... I began pleading with her once more.
"I can't imagine what you're going through… and I'm worried about my friend. I-I'm so worried about you, Sensei. D-Don't you see that?"
Despite my pleads, the door remained shut. I was growing anxious and frustrated. It was as if my Sensei gave up on the world, and that small box she called home would be all she needed from then on. That… upset me more than anything that she felt the safest in a cage after everything she fought for.
"Linda-san…"
I said her name sharply then, I took a deep breath and pleaded one last time.
"Friends… take care of each other. Don't you get it… I'm here… because I care so much about you. I've called you all day long and you never responded. So, instead of waiting for you to come back to school... I made the choice to come and see you."
I shook my head and pressed the issue.
"So-chan told me what happened... and I made the decision to come. She didn't ask me... I wanted to come and see you badly."
"Why?"
A voice asked from the other side of the door. It took me off guard, and I didn't have an answer.
"What do you mean, why Sensei?"
Linda-san's voice was small… like a child's as it filtered passed the door.
"Why are you… so kind to me? Y-You, don't know how much I did... to get here to Hiroshima, Japan, Madoka-san…. Y-You wouldn't be so understanding... if you knew what I did to get here."
I brought my body back from the door and stood tall.
"What do you mean, Sensei?"
"…I don't want to talk about it, Madoka-san… Please leave me alone."
I was rejected again, and a hint of embarrassment was coursing through my body. My eyes shifted toward onlookers in the distance. A few people were watching me stand outside the door. I wasn't sure if they could hear me but the eyes were starting to make me feel uncomfortable. I felt out of place, and my stomach began to feel heavy as the idea that I came all this way for nothing was starting to seep in.
"Linda-san…"
I closed my eyes… and expressed my feelings as sweetly as possible. My words came from my heart as I... tried for the last time to get her to come out.
"You're not just my partner or Sensei… You are the first person I confided in after my coma, Linda-san."
I scratched my nails on the wooded door softly. It felt like I was a small animal, like a cat trying to get back home into her master's arms. My heart began to ache as I told Sensei everything that's been on my mind for a while. All the words that were hidden in my mind as I rode on the train.
"I put so much trust into you, Linda-san. Not even my best friend, Watanabe Mae-chan, knew all the struggles I went through. I couldn't tell my mom or stepsister about my love for Mari-san. You were the first person... I confessed all those feelings."
Before I knew it, a tear was rolling down my cheek. I did my best to hide it because people were around. The last thing I wanted was for college students to see a high school girl crying outside of a college student's room. It… wouldn't look good if they noticed. So, I got closer to the door and did my best to lower my voice.
"But you… you helped me when I was confused. I… I didn't even accept that I liked girls until I had my chat with you. Y-You were the first person I confessed my sexuality to. I don't remember telling anyone before my coma."
I bit my lip momentarily then... confessed my true feeling to her.
"I... I trusted you... because I thought we had a connection. Taylor Linda-san… you're more than a friend to me. You're so important to me that… that I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't there. I... I wouldn't have made it this far without you. So… please let me help you this time."
My voice sounded horsed as I pleaded with her. I held my chest as tears were still falling down my cheeks. People around me were staring and slowly... I was beginning to run out of steam. I wasn't sure if she was listening to me... but I continued to express my feelings.
"Please… I want you to trust me as much as I trust you. You're in pain… and you mean the world to me. Don't… don't push me away. Don't... make me believe that all my feelings were one-sided, Linda-san."
It was quiet and I felt I might have gone overboard. Linda-san wasn't speaking anymore, causing my heart to sink into my stomach. My mind began to slowly come to the conclusion that everything between us... might not have been as strong as I once thought. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and began to try and sort out my feelings when...
"I… I did horrible things, Madoka-san. Things… that you don't know about."
It seemed that Linda-san had something she'd been afraid to tell the world. Things she was keeping from me... her partner. I considered it as I thought about everything on my way here. What Linda-san must have done to make her way to Hiroshima Japan to be with Sophia. It made me realize that this wall wasn't just for me and the world to stay out of. It was also the wall that hid all of the non-fairytale-like situations that my beloved Sensei must have gone through.... to get to where she is.
"You're my friend, Linda-san. We can get through this together... so please... let me in?"
After a minute or so… the door finally opened, to my surprise. What stood there was a sweet woman… defeated.
She had on a white shirt and blue pants. Her hair was frizzy and unkempt and she didn't have any makeup on. Her eyes were red and she looked away from me when we finally saw one another. It felt like someone reached inside of her and took out her spirit.
Linda-san was emotionally defeated.