Ayumi's Perspective
"I need to get up."
Here I was, lying in bed… avoiding the world because of my choices. Yesterday morning, Mari came to the door asking to talk, but… I really don't want to talk.
This entire situation has me spiraling out of control. When did everything start to turn on its head...
"Why?"
I bitterly asked as I curled up in a ball, trying my best to appear smaller as I lay in the covers of my room. The bed was cold, the room was quiet, and the loneliness was seeping in. It… reminded me of that time.
The day where I became a single parent…
The day… he left me.
"Mom, what's going on?!"
Madoka begged me for the answers, but I didn't have them. I was picking her up from school, and it was then that I realized that… I wasn't ready to become the one… who had all the answers. I just got the call from my husband, Nakagawa Akira. He passed out during work because of a chronic heart condition. He's always had a weak heart, but he took medication and showed no signs of anything being wrong…
Until it was too late…
And in an instant, the world ripped the love of my life away from me. Reality left me with a child at her puberty age. Suddenly, my world was spinning upside down.
At the funeral, everyone around me told me, "It'll be okay." And to "call if I ever need anything."
But those were hollow words because nobody ever wanted to help me when I did need help. The struggle I faced when going into the workforce was my first wake-up call to how cruel life could be. I got a job at a small insurance company. The boss was horrible. My coworkers were cutthroat due to the commission being the most significant factor in our paycheck. I was mentally worn out.
"Have a good day."
I said before hanging up the phone and losing the sale to another competitor. It was only a matter of time before I'd hear those shoes clicking from one end to the other. They were coming towards me. My heart rate would rise with every tap, and then my boss would hover over me and ask that question with venom spewing from his mouth…
"What happened, Nakagawa-san?"
He barked.
"…"
He knew the answer but wanted to embarrass me in front of my coworkers. They would chide and mock me openly as it became apparent that I wasn't as skilled as them. We all made garbage wages, yet they acted as if they were made of gold, and I was just a peasant for them to berate.
"The customer… decided not to sign with us."
I admitted.
"And why was that?"
Eyes jabbed into my back as I confessed… why everything went wrong.
"Because I wasn't convincing enough."
"That's right. Because you're a terrible salesman. We already taught you the basics, get with it or get out."
After his petty beratement, he would walk away in a fit as he made his rounds to the other people in the call center. The voices around me would whisper horrible things about me. About someone that didn't even know to make themselves feel better. I hated every minute I spent there, but to support Madoka alone… I would take that heavy book full of numbers and potential customers and continue to call the houses on my section one after another.
Every week we would meet to see which zones got the most sign-ups, and due to my inability to proforms…
"This is what we don't want…."
My boss would always use me as an example of what they "don't want" in an employee. Daily I would go home in tears, and when I got to that broken-down apartment building, it reminded me daily of how much of a failure I was.
Hastily, I'd make my way up to the second floor and open the door late in the evening.
"Welcome back, mom."
Then I would come back home and see that one-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment Madoka and I struggled to call home. There would be food cooking in the small, cramped kitchen, and my baby would be doing her best to make life that much more bearable.
"How… was work, mom?"
She'd hesitate to ask because… I would already have tears rolling down my face when I came through the door.
"I'm… not too hungry today, Madoka."
I'd limp over to the next room like a torn-up doll and lie in bed, miserably. I wish that Akari was here to save me from this warped life. Nothing was changing, and I felt like the world was closing in on me. But then, her warm arms would collapse over me. Madoka would stop everything she was doing and hold me as I cried for another night in her arms.
…
But would I be horrible to say…
That sometimes during our sessions like this…
Something deep inside me… resented that I was left alone with her?
Madoka meant the world to me, and I wouldn't replace her no matter what. However… it was too soon for me to take all of her needs as my sole responsibility. When my husband and I were together, we would share the weight it takes to love a child. Give her all the attention she needed to grow and make sure she became a proper young lady as she entered her teenage years…
Then those responsibilities were all mine because I was alone. I wasn't ready for what it means to be a single parent. If Madoka never grew out of her selfish, bratty behaviors…
Then it would be my fault because I raised her. If she, for some reason, failed and dropped out of school… It would be because I was the failure in her life. As I cried throughout the night… those thoughts entered my mind, and I would resent the fact that I was dealt this horrible hand…
I… hated being a mother at those times… But I loved Madoka and wished that she'd have the best life she could have.
Slowly, I was spiraling into madness. It was then something happened at work that Madoka doesn't know about. The day that I almost destroyed both our lives…
…
…