It was like what Saitou-san said on the train that day. That the way mom and Mari-san got together had nothing to do with me. It was Mari-san's choice to accept my mom's feelings, even if for my sake. It was mom's weak-willed choice to force herself on Mari-san, guilting her to be with her romantically. And my feelings…
My feelings…
I bit down on my lip and repeated it…
"I don't… want to hurt Mari-san anymore... I can't be with her."
Maybe my heart knew I was lying, but my mind was well aware that no matter how things turn out, my first love… Mari-san wouldn't be possible any longer. Despite how much I hated to admit it…
"Takade-san was right."
She was right that I had to… distance myself if I wanted to actually do what I planned to. Mom and Mari-san had to work things out, and me being there actually made things harder.
As my mind cleared, things were starting to make sense past the initial heartache. Mom didn't trust me anymore, and she changed when I left. She apparently didn't want this to ever get out, and in exchange, she decided it would be best to allow me to do the one thing I've always wanted to do...
"To grow up… by sending me to a dorm... far away from her perfect family."
My phone rang again, and I looked at the caller out of frustration. It wasn't Mari-san or mom… or even Hana-chan, to my surprise...
"Mae?"
I asked, earning a panicked reply.
"Madoka! Where are you?! I got a call from your mom, and she's worried sick! She said you guys had a fight and that you just took off!"
I looked out the window, but there weren't any stations that I recognized. There was no way I could give her a clear answer, so I just opted to say something else.
"…Somewhere?"
I shrugged. In the evening train, it was empty, and the feeling of going somewhere I wasn't supposed to be started to bury in my stomach. It being closer tonight because of the time of year also didn't help my insincerity.
"Mae… I screwed up."
I warily confessed.
"You can tell me all about it… just tell me where you are, and I'll come to pick you up."
Even when I was in the wrong, my knight in shining armor wanted to pamper me. It reminded me that Mae-chan was always with me.
"I… I told my mom about… you know… and…"
"Shhh, don't worry. I'm getting my bike right now. We can chat about it later. Just tell me where to go."
I explained that I headed away from the shopping district and further away from our school. Mae-chan took the information from me, and to not make her trip any longer, I stepped off the train and waited patiently for her. Eventually, I got off the phone with her as I waited.
"What a messed up night…"
The wind took my hair and waved it gently. The winter was getting colder by the day.
It took around 30 minutes for her to reach me. I saw her coming over the hill with a smile as she rolled up next to me. As she got to the underpass of the train station, the world decided it was the best time to open up as showers rained down.
"Oh… I dodged a bullet."
Mae smirked as she turned to me.
"… I'm sorry."
I didn't know what else to say as I put my hands to my face. My cheeks were hot from embarrassment, and my legs were ice cold from waiting in the wind.
"I messed up..."
Those words came out muffled, and my voice sounded pathetic. I didn't know what else I could do, so I fell back into who I was… a crying, miserable child that had no control over her life. I heard a harsh clank as metal hit the ground around me. Suddenly, a warm embrace took over my body. Her sweet scent that I've grown to love more wrapped around me as Mae-chan, my knight, patted my back.
"It's going to be okay, Madoka."
She reassured me as she held me tighter.
"You can stay at my house tonight if you want. We can talk all about it."
"M-Mae… I don't know what to do. I… I just don't know."
The people around us must have found my childish outburst annoying, but I couldn't hold it in. My best friend, the one who I'd cry to for the simplest of things, was still there for me. There was no way I could do anything else but cry into her arms as I've always done since back then. I couldn't trust mom, which hurt me the most. From the moment I woke up, she was keeping secrets from me. And even after, she continued to do things behind my back. But the fact was… even I was keeping something from her too.
"It hurts…"
I whispered to my best friend. The one girl that's never judged me for being a spoiled brat.
"I wanted to keep everyone happy, but I shouldn't have told Mari-san..."
She placed a finger on my lips. The salty tears caused my glasses to fog up, and I could barely see her. Calmly, she took them off my face and looked me in the eye.
"Let's get on the train and get warm… okay?"
I nodded like a child to her mother. We both stepped back on the train, going in the opposite direction. She found a seat for the two of us, and I held her in my arms. I continued to sob quietly as I thought about everything.
Of course, I still had feelings for Mari-san, but I reminded myself that no matter what happened from here on out… there would be no way I could be with her. How I wished I had never told Mari-san my feelings. I hoped that I had the willpower to keep my want from her away and eventually moved out without either of them truly knowing how I felt.
But I couldn't… and this is the result of my struggle. I hurt Hana-chan. Mom and Mari-san's relationship won't recover at this rate, and what am I doing? I'm on a train, trying my best to get away from everything so I can think. But I brought my best friend into my struggles… Like I always do.
We reached the correct stop and stepped out of the train. By now, I've calmed down, but my thoughts were still raving about. Mae kept quiet as we made our way to the edge of the overpass. It was still raining but not nearly as bad as a while ago.
"Alright."
Mae said as she sat on her bike. She waved me to do the same. Even though there was only one seat, I sat behind her but had to stand up. It felt a little dangerous, but it reminded me of elementary school. There was a day when mom dropped me and Mae-chan off at her place. Mae grabbed her bike and wanted to ride it around the neighborhood. But the problem was, I didn't have one, so she ended up having me ride behind her.
"Hehe…"
"Oh, what are you laughing about."
"Just… thinking about you, Mae-chan."
She didn't turn around because it would be too dangerous if she did, but I assumed she was blushing right about then. Once we made it to her place, it was nearly dark out. She set her bike along the side of the house and walked up to the door. Once we got in, the first person to greet us was Mae-chan's mom. She rushed up to me and held me in her arms, to my surprise.
"Madoka! Your mother is worried sick about you! What happened?!"
She let go and looked me in the eye. She was yet another mother figure that I couldn't just brush off, so I told her the bare minimum.
"I had a fight with mom… and I wasn't thinking and ran out… Sorry to worry everyone."
She shook her head and held me again. It's been a while since Chie-san held me in her arms. I recalled a day when I got hurt playing at the park with Mae-chan. Mae was doing everything in her power to calm me down. She brought me the most oversized sticks and stones as if that would appease the beast crying from within me. But then her mom came in and picked me up.
"Are you okay, little Madoka?"
She treated me like a baby, and it reminded me so much of mom that I cuddled into her arms as she treated my small wound. The idea of that day always worried me and made me embarrassed, but it went to show me that Chie-san used to be, at the very least, a 2nd mom to me.
"Sorry for worrying everyone..."
I looked at Chie-san who's stern face didn't change. This was who she was, and I knew that. However, there seemed to be a calming aura around her that made me feel… safe.
"Madoka, are you staying over for the night?"
Mae's dad asked. He was typing away at his laptop, likely finishing work for the day. I walked over and gave him a hug. He still had the faint scent of smoke which I've associated with him.
"I'm not sure..."
I told the truth. It was likely that mom was going to come and pick me up. We weren't actually finished with our fight, and I'm sure she wanted to try and justify why I should be thrown out… and I think they might be right in some ways.
Mom and Mari-san needed the room to solve their relationship. I would be a fool to think that after two years… Mari-san didn't develop some kind of feelings for mom too.
"Would you like me to call Ayumi and chat with her, Madoka?"
Chie-san asked as she took out her phone.
"Would you, mom?"
Mae answered for me, taking my hand in hers. Me and Mae's fingers wrapped together as if they were made for one another. I've held this hand for as long as I can remember, and it still brought on the warmth I loved so much from it.
"I'll chat with Ayumi and tell her that Madoka is staying over to cool off. If you two had a big enough fight for you to run away like that… I doubt it would be best for you two to be in the same room right now."
"…Okay."
I answered, allowing her to resolve the problem I made… or at least prolong it until I could think.
"Hey, come to my room."
Mae suggested, likely noticing my apprehension. Together we went down the dimly lit hallway to the last room on the right. When she opened the door, the room was a complete mess.
"Hehe…"
I giggled…
"Ahah…aarrrg..."
And then I cried. Everything was a disaster as my knight pulled me in. I wailed aloud, and I'm sure her parents could hear me, but I didn't care. Everything in this room was a mess, and it made me both happy and sad. How I wished everything could go back to the days before my coma before the days, I forgot what happened. Mae-chan's room was broken, destroyed, and it reminded me of the simple past.
"I hate this! I hate all of it."
In the presence of my knight, I complained. Mae-chan was the one person who'd seen my childlike actions from the past. I cried like a baby. She led me to her bed, and I just sat there, crying my eyes out.
"I shouldn't have done this… I ruined everything."
I whimpered in her arms. This moment showed me how much I wanted to mature and grow into a proper young lady, but I still was far from that. I couldn't keep my composure, and this is what it led to. My family, the one I've known for only a few months since I woke up from, was broken… because of my actions. Hana-chan likely hated me. My relationship with Mari was in shambles, and I don't believe I'd ever trust my mom again.
"Mae-chan… I ruined everything."
I confessed.
"I shouldn't have told Mari-san how I felt... If I just… If I just.."
"Madoka."
Firmly, she held my shoulders. As I gazed into her incredible green eyes, she brought me out from my despair and into the light of her reality.
"You're wrong..."
She said as she held me closer to her.
"You told me that you confessed to Mari-san in the past..."
Her fingers rubbed my back as she continued.
"Clearly, you did nothing wrong but fall in love… and that's hard for anyone to choose who they fall in love with."
Tenderly she rubbed her cheek on my shoulder.
"But it was Mari-san who chose to do what she did. From the beginning, this was between both of them. You couldn't have fixed something that was at its core… broken."
I wasn't ready to accept that this couldn't have been avoided. But from what my best friend was saying… it was just that. From the moment I didn't tell my mom about my feelings for Mari-san and went into my coma, the events that played out were Mari-san's ideas of what to do next. Maybe if I had never told her my feelings that night… eventually, I wouldn't be able to take it. I'm sure at some point something would have come out… or maybe I would have run away, unable to endure seeing the person I came to fall in love with all over again, taken from me.
"I don't know what to do..."
I whispered.
"It's okay… you don't have to solve everything today, Mado-chan."
In the arms of my best friend, my heart began to slowly calm down… She was healing me by comforting me. Suddenly, my phone began to ring again. Instead of me grabbing it, she took it from me.
"Hello?!"
Mae answered a tad harshly.
"Oh… Hana-chan!"
"It's Hana-chan?!"
I asked, trying to take the phone back."
"Yes, your sister is staying at my place tonight. She's… a little upset right now."
"Mae-chan, let me talk to her!"
I was doing my best to take back my phone with tears in my eyes. Mae held it away briefly and put a finger up to me. Like a mother telling her child to wait for sweets, I sat back on her bed and pushed out my cheeks. There was no doubt about it. I've reverted back to a child in every sense of the word.
"Madoka is trying her hardest, Hana-chan… so go easy on her if I let you two talk, promise."
I couldn't hear the other end of the conversation, but I felt anxious knowing they were discussing me when I was right here. Thankfully, Mae-chan held the phone to me, and I took it from her.
"Onee-chan! Onee-chan, I'm so sorry for rushing off to my room!"
Hana sounded like she was in tears, and my older sister's persona burst from me.
"Hana-chan, calm down! I'm not mad at you."
"I didn't know what to say! Nobody was letting me speak, and I got frustrated. I don't want you to leave! Please come back home."
"Hana…"
I tenderly called out to her. That's when she finally stopped rambling and allowed me to speak.
"Hana… listen to me."
I gently spoke as Mae-chan held my hand.
"As you can tell… it's not a good idea if I just came back home right now..."
She groaned.
"Yeah… I know. Right now, mom and mom stopped discussing it. My mom is in the living room on her laptop… and I think your mom is in her room… chatting with Mary-san."
I could hear her lie on her bed.
"I just don't want to lose you… I… I don't know what I'd do if I lose you because of this, Madoka."
"Don't worry, I promise you won't lose me."
"But I don't get to say goodnight to you, and that worries me. What if you decide not to come back home, and I have to be alone again. I'm so angry at both our moms right now… but I'm not mad at you. So please don't go."
The more she spoke, the weaker she sounded. My heart was aching as I closed my eyes and thought about it…
"No matter what happens in the next few days, Hana-chan… you are my top priority… I'm not going to leave no matter what… mom wants me to do."
I explained as I thought about it.
"Your Onee-chan is staying, and I'll see you every day… I just have to decide… what's the best course of action. Would you give me time to… decide, Hana-chan?"
Clearly, she was upset as she began to groan again. But after a bit of time, she mumbled, likely to think less emotionally and more clearly.
"Whatever you choose to do… I want you to know that I love you."
"Hana-chan…"
"You make me so happy, and I can't imagine losing you to something this… this upsetting. Mom and mom need to settle their differences and understand how they truly feel. You… I think it would be best if you allowed them to do that."
I could hear her words breaking as she tried to be strong.
"But I don't want to lose you… I love this family, and you being a part of it means everything to me. You don't… realize how many times I've called you Onee-chan as you lied in bed."
"Hana…"
I thought about it. Mari-san visited me more times than not when I was in my coma. I'm sure occasionally she brought along the little flower. Maybe before that time, she and I took a bath together. Maybe she called me Onee-chan as she asked me questions. It went to show me that Hana-chan knew me for two years longer than I've known her. Even without speaking to me, clearly, she had an emotional connection with me that I couldn't even imagine.
"I love you, Hana."
I whispered.
"I-I love you too, Madoka… and… I'll stand by whatever you choose to do to show you that I love you."
It made my heart race as she stood beside me even though we weren't side by side physically.
"Thank you. You get to sleep soon. I'm going to stay at Mae-chan's place, and I'll see you tomorrow after school."
"Are you coming home tomorrow?"
"… I don't know yet, really. I… I'm not sure if that would be the best thing to do right now."
I was honest because it was Hana-chan.
"I understand. You don't work tomorrow, right? Could we spend some time outside of school and talk?"
Hana-chan begged.
"Yeah, we'll do just that. We can talk all about this, just the two of us."
"O-Okay… goodnight, Onee-chan."
"Goodnight, Hana-chan."
Mae jumped up.
"Oh! Let me say something to Hana-chan!"
Reluctantly, I handed the phone off, and Mae-chan's smile turned a tad mischievous.
"I'll make sure your Onee-chan has an exciting night, Hana-chan~"
I could barely make out what Hana-chan was saying on the other line. If I had to reconstruct what I heard, it was something close to a threat and screaming before Mae-chan hung up the phone.
"Why did you have to tease her?"
I asked a tad annoyed.
"Just to cheer her up."
"Yeah, I doubt you did that to cheer her up..."
After a moment, I turned back to Mae-chan. It was on the spur of the moment, and I lifted myself up from her thigh. Gently, I kissed her on the cheek and whispered.
"Thanks… I… I needed someone to help me."
She rubbed my head and smiled back at me. Clearly, she was embarrassed, but I had to say what was on my mind. It wasn't sporadic… No, lately, my feelings have been coming out much more manageable, and it was thanks to everyone. My friends and my family… especially Mae-chan.
"Let me tell you what happened..."