Mari's Perspective
The outside was looking terrible. The forecast warned us, so it wasn't a surprise that it was getting this bad. But like an announcer at a circus…which this place had become, the boss lady entered in and clapped her hands, drawing our attention.
"Looks like the storm won't be letting up. I suggest we all bunker down and get comfortable."
Saitou-bucho commanded as she held a futon around her shoulder as if she'd already planned this ahead of time. It's not that I didn't think this through before work…so I reached under my desk and brought out my blanket.
"Hello, old friend."
The blanket stared at me with a purple polka-dotted pattern. It wasn't my taste but an old cover of Hana's. She used to sleep with this all the time, and once she grew out of it, the sentimental value was too nostalgic to toss it out. So, I kept it on me and used it at work.
"Oh, that old thing, Mari?"
Ayumi came in, holding two cups of tea in her hand. With a stride of her tall body and a tilt of her head, she questioned as she handed me one of them.
"Yeah…I guess it's time to pull it out of retirement."
My shoulders slumped. I was hoping to get all these corrections done before the storm came and high tail it home…but thanks to Yashiro and her sporadic ideas…she slipped the dog back in at the end of her story. As if that wasn't bad enough…she decided to go back to a bunch of chapters and add the dog in here and there. Now…the story is full of plot holes, and it has to be released in 3 days…no 2 business days now for maximum profit.
"…Sorry Yashiro made today hell."
"No, she's…great at doing this. I don't mind anymore."
Ayumi chuckled warmly.
"Kenjii-kun tried to jump out the window when he heard about it."
She teased.
"Kenjii-kun is overdramatic. But it's not the first time we had to stop him from doing something crazy…"
We both laughed for the first time since we came home from our trip…We giggled together...like in the old days. The days before we became a couple. When we worked in the same unit and stayed ridiculously late to make deadlines. How...I missed those simple days now.
"…Mari…"
"Yes, Ayumi?"
"…Will you sleep with me tonight?"
"Eh? What does that suppose to mean?"
My partner chuckled. Of course, she knew how that could be taken the wrong way, but she said it anyway. Tenderly, she spoke.
"I just want to be with you tonight…you know…during the storm?"
Timidly, she nuzzled her nose on my shoulder.
"Oh, of course. You don't have to ask me something like that, silly."
That's when she sat next to me. She rolled the chair close to me and put her arm around mine as she looked at the mountain of work on my computer. The document idled away with a bunch of red marks all over it. It felt like there were over 10,000 corrections that needed to still be made. It wasn't getting any smaller looking at it either.
"We have a lot of work cut out for us, don't we, Mari?"
"Yeah…it's going to be a long one, Ayumi."
"It reminds me of when I first met you…"
Suddenly, she brought up a nostalgic time. That day I thought she was nothing but a person given the job because she knew Nakagawa Ryuji. But she proved me wrong with her work ethic…
"There were a lot of late nights, wasn't there, Ayumi?"
"Yeah…I would come home late to Madoka…and you to Hana. That was…a hectic time."
She giggled.
"Isn't it funny that we both now come home late…to the same household?"
"…Yeah, life is strange, isn't it?"
As if noticing my reluctance, she stated.
"Are you still…struggling to tell me what's been bothering you?"
My tongue tied as I tried to respond. So, I calmed my nerves…and fixed my expression before turning back to her.
"…Yeah. It's…really important, and I want to be able to express myself…the best I can when I do tell you my feelings, Ayumi."
Her breast pushed up against my side. She looked around. Luckily for her, all of our coworkers were all in Saitou-bucho's office picking out futons for the night. With a tenderly sweet voice, she whispered in my ear.
"…We haven't had sex in a while, you know? I've been so lonely..."
"…Sorry. I haven't thought about your feelings lately, have I, Ayumi?"
"Hey…when we get home…can we…you know…mess around together?"
How I wanted to save face and tell her yes. But since that night with…Madoka-san…when I look her in the eyes…She reminds me of that girl that's been at the front of my mind. I'm…thinking of Madoka-san only right now. Despite me wanting to get my thoughts together, move forward like she asked… I... still want to kiss Madoka-san. I still am thinking about her…and it's straining my relationship with Ayumi. But after that night…all the moments before her coma…that she doesn't remember still...have been assaulting my mind.
"Mari?"
"Oh…yeah…sure."
"…You don't sound too excited to sleep with me. Am I…not attractive to you anymore? Am I getting too old or something?"
"…Ayumi, here isn't the right place to talk about this…let's stay professional."
As if I jabbed her, she leaned back. With a crude huff, she responded.
"…Professional? When are you ever professional? You're one to talk, Mari. You act like a kid all the time. Why the heck are you acting like an adult all of a sudden?"
"Hey…that was uncalled for, Ayumi."
I whispered, a tad annoyed.
"Your lover just wants your attention but you're too selfish to see that."
Now in this whisper war, she hissed in frustration. Surprisingly, I lashed back without thinking.
"…Well, just maybe, you should think about your lover first sometimes, Ayumi. When was the last time you put my feelings first?"
"I would if you ever expressed yourself honestly!"
My fist clenched.
"It's kind of hard to do that with you when you act so needy all the time! It's always you first. Sometimes you don't give me a chance, just like in bed!"
Her mouth jawed in surprise. I even realized I took it too far.
"…Are you calling me a bad lover, Mari?"
"Koda-san! Nakagawa-san! We have a nice room just for you two!"
I nearly jumped out of my seat. Thankfully, everyone else was still in Saitou-bucho's office. It seemed she stepped out and approached us at some point. I prayed she didn't hear our whisper screaming match. She held her hands behind her back and looked a tad worn-out if I had to admit. But like hell, I'd tell her that else she'd punish me with more work.
"Eh? We were just going to bunk under my desk though, Saitou-bucho."
"Oh please, the love birds need a room for themselves. Save that stuff for the single folk! Just don't try anything sexy unless you want to be suspended."
She giggled as I sighed in frustration.
"Saitou-bucho…thank you, but you don't need to worry about that."
Annoyed, I stood up holding onto my blanket. She led us into a small office. The room was spacious enough for us not to feel compressed. With our bags in hand, we walked into our new room for the night.
"Night night, love birds."
Saitou-bucho teased. When she shut the door, the tension was thick and oppressive. Trying to brush away the mood, I took off my shoes, removed my pantyhose, and laid down on the futon put out for us. It was well heated, and I didn't feel the need to use my special blanket. So, I set it to the side and laid there staring at the door. It took a moment, but Ayumi did the same. We were close but so far away. Our backs weren't touching, but I could feel the heat resonating from her.
"…I didn't mean what I said…Ayumi."
"Then what the hell did you mean?"
I groaned.
"Ayumi…it's just hard for me to talk about this…so I need to get my feelings together."
"…Would it be easier…if I was Madoka?"
As if someone lodged a brick in my throat…I choked on my retort.
"Why are you bringing Madoka-san into this all of a sudden?"
I could hear Ayumi's cold exhale.
"You know why. Ever since she woke up it's always been Madoka with you…I love her…but I'm sick of hearing her name every other minute from my lover."
Annoyed, I exhaled.
"I'm not even going to entertain this. I'm going to sleep, Ayumi."
I closed my eyes, hoping to escape, but as I expected, she dragged me back in.
"You need to learn how to talk like an adult when the time comes, Mari."
I could feel my blood literally boil now.
"Like an adult? We've been together this long, and you still don't understand how hard this is for me, do you?"
I turned to her now, doing my best to lower my voice so our coworkers wouldn't hear us.
"At least Madoka listens to me and understands that I struggle…and respects my feelings…and isn't…she isn't selfish about it like you…"
These words spewed from my lips. Usually, I could hold them in, but…after that night…all these frustrations started to get to me. Why did things turn out this way?
She turned to me now. We faced one another and to my surprise, her mouth jawed.
It's probably because…
...I was crying while I said this.
"M-Mari?"
"D-Don't you think I hate being this way? I…I really hate this about myself..."
I couldn't help but go back to when it was just me and Hana. How everyone felt like an enemy around me. How I couldn't tell anyone how vulnerable I was all the time. How people would use me the moment they saw weakness. How…I had to revert back to the way I was before I met my deceased husband. There were times where I begged landlords to let me stay an extra week...but I was met with bitter looks or sadistic smiles. How often I got requests for "favors" in return for rent disgusted me. For those years, I was forced to harden my heart...so Hana could have a wonderful life...
It wasn't like I could turn on a switch and change...I...wish it was that easy for me, but it wasn't.
"You know what, Ayumi…after all this time…you never once thought about my feelings…it's always you first."
Now it was becoming apparent…all the cracks in my relationship with Ayumi. How I tried my best to hold them back…but they were there…glaring at me.
"But for the first time in a long time…someone saw through me. Madoka-san thought about me and listened to my feelings. So…why wouldn't I think about her?!"
My eyes lowered as the weight of the day finally came over me. I was tired…of everything.
"…And in the end…she chose your feelings over her own…just like everyone else had to, Ayumi. Just like everyone else had to do..."
"What the hell does that supposed to mean, Mari?!"
"Take a hint, you're selfish…so selfish sometimes. But I don't think you realize that…and it makes me furious."
It was simple... how I felt for Madoka-san before her coma. I just wanted to be with her…
But it got complicated…after Madoka-san and Ayumi had that fight…
"…Just shut up and go to sleep already, Mari."
"…This is why it's so hard to talk to you, Ayumi…you always think of yourself first..."
"Just shut up and go to sleep already…"
In this warm room, we laid together, facing away from one another...
...Further apart than ever...