"Would you two like to lie down, Madoka-san, Hana-san?"
Saitou-san, out of concern, reached over and touched my hand.
"I'm fine...Saitou-san..."
I lied as I placed my hand on my chest. Now I understood just how much...pain my mom was in and I needed to keep going.
"I need to know something else, Saitou-san…"
"Madoka-san, are you sure you can handle any more?"
She was right…I was being weak. But I never imagined that my mom, the one with that calm smile today, would have ever attempted to...harm herself…out of loneliness. Was this my fault because I left her?
No…Now wasn't the time for things like this, was it?
"Likely, she didn't want you to ever have that image of her…doing that to herself you two. She made a mistake Madoka-san, Hana-chan…don't think any less of her, please."
"…Saitou-san…I…"
"Onee-san?"
Hana-chan touched my hand and helped me settle down. My breathing labored as my stomach pained, I closed my eyes and formed a scenario. What if I woke up and my mom wasn't there? What if she wasn't crying in my arms when I first woke up? Being as emotionally fragile as I am now could I have handled it if I found out she...did that to herself because dad and I were gone?
No…I couldn't keep thinking on this train of thought...
"Saitou-san, I think highly of my mom."
I confessed.
"I believe I can never measure up to her beauty. She's always that much more out of reach from me. Mom is my idol. She taught me everything about cosmetics, fashion, music. She's hard-working, lovable, cool, kind, caring, mature, everything I've always wanted to be..."
Now that perfect image that I've always worshiped began to crumble slowly. It was something I should have realized a while ago as I got older. Something I've always blinded myself to but had to be addressed more than ever now.
"Saitou-san...my mom is human though."
I don't know why I never acknowledged that fact until now. That mom is human. She's so human that it hurts. She wasn't this angel that had no blemishes. Or an angelic being that I could never reach, and that was okay. Mom was perfect the way she was.
Saitou-san tilted her head and rested her cheek on her palm.
"That's…probably why she couldn't bring herself to tell you about what she did, Madoka-san. I would imagine that she'd never want her daughters to find out that she…attempted such a selfish act..."
"B-But it was Mari-san who saved her, right? Mari-san took it upon herself to...save my mom while I was in my coma? Because I couldn't save her from her loneliness...Mari-san did it in my place, right Saitou-san?"
I asked as I stammered over my words.
"…Yes, Mari-san took the weight off her shoulders and saved Nakagawa Ayumi-san. And she told me that she did it for your sake too Madoka-san. You should be happy, Mari-san loves you so much! Your stepmother is an amazing person."
"Mom is amazing, Onee-san."
Hana-chan added as she turned to me with tears flowing down her eyes. How this felt like a fairytale when the knight comes and rescues the princess. Mari-san took it upon herself to save my mom, to ensure that she'd still be there for me when I woke up.
That was it…that was what I was most afraid of though.
Mari-san, the kind, loving, caring joker that I've come to fall in love with…took it upon herself to save my mom…for my sake.
And she did that by leaving me behind despite her feelings for me.
There was no way she would stay with me if something could have happened to my mom. She knew how much I idolized her. I must have talked about mom all the time with her. I…I loved my mom to death…and she knew that.
"I…I get it."
I wiped the tears from my cheek.
"Then smile, Madoka-san. Don't be upset. Your mom went through a dark and difficult time. Nakagawa Ayumi made horrible choices but by her struggles she found happiness. In a way, she found her true love, wouldn't you say?"
I closed my eyes and slowly pieced together everything I was told...No matter how much it hurt, I needed to fully understand what I learned tonight.
After my coma mom drew into a state of depression. Mari-san mentioned that it was hard for her to visit me for long also. During the time she took off from work, she contemplated what she would do. And eventually, she chose that it would be best to come to see me and dad instead of stay in a world without us. Mom had already lost the love of her life a year ago, and the only connection to him was stripped away from her. That's when she overdosed on a cocktail of medication and Mari-san found her thankfully. Understanding how important it was for mom to have someone to support her...Mari-san took that role and became her lover. From what Saitou-san said, Mari-san did it for me so I wouldn't wake up without a mother…and they eventually actually fell in love during those two years.
Mari-san cares for me to the point that she, at a drop of a hat, would come to my mom's rescue for my sake. She made sure I didn't lose the mother I loved.
Because that is the ultimate version of love. To love someone enough to give them up for the sake of that love…
How…how much I wished for this revelation caused my heart to clam up and accept the inevitable. But it didn't…it just amplified how I felt about Mari-san all the more, no matter how horrid that sounded. Because Mari-san is so special…so special to me that she'd close off her feelings to me to save my own heart. How I love that side to her…she's so amazing. By her doing that…my mom found happiness. The kissing, the flirting, the loving that she came to adore…was built upon such hardship and I would have never guessed that.
"Thank you, Mari-san…"
I cried, shielding my embarrassment in the sleeve of my yukata. Hana-chan held me tight as if giving me all of her strength so we could both move forwards.
"Thank you…thank you…for saving my mom...Mari-san. I love you...I love you so much!"
I was so happy that it was ruining my insides. There is no way I would ever think of telling her my feelings now. How horrible would I be if I stripped my mom's knight in shining armor away from her…for my own selfishness? But it hurt thinking that…That I would never be able to feel her intimate touch…Never be able to touch her lips with mine…Because she saved both of us and sacrificed that. If I would have woken up without mom…I don't know if I would be able to be the same.
That's when I lifted my head as I did my best to stay strong.
"Saitou-san…can I ask you something else while we're still here?"
"…Only if you can handle it, Madoka. What we just discussed was quite a lot for you both."
Saitou-san was more worried about my health than I could have ever imagined. She looked at me with eyes of seeming concern and worry. That just showed how emotionally weak I was. So, I shook my head and pressed forwards.
"Before my coma…I suffered trauma and it made me afraid to leave my home. Did mom ever mention that?"
She closed her eyes and nodded as if bringing back that time.
"…Nakagawa-san mentioned that to me. She said you wouldn't leave your room after being involved in a traffic accident with her. She wasn't too vocal about it though and I had no jurisdiction to ask for more information."
"A traffic accident?"
"Yes, and I think she blames herself for you locking yourself away because of that incident. So, if you decide to approach her and ask about that…be wary of the language you use."
It seemed that this would be the extent of what Saitou-san knows. My mom's attempted suicide directly affected her so, Saitou-san would have had to be notified about it and all the details behind it. But this was regarding me, her daughter. This was more of a personalized problem that Saitou-san didn't have any merit to understanding. It's not as though Mom and Saitou-san are friends on a personal level. No, they are clearly only professionals in every sense of the word.
"Onee-san, should you really ask mom about this after knowing what we know now?"
I thought about it deeply now. I finally was able to piece together the person my mom is today, someone who doesn't want to relive her mistake. But would it be right for me to ask about my trauma now?
"…Yes, I am going to ask her about it."
I nodded with conviction.
"Yes, Hana-chan. All this time I had no idea how dark of a time my mom was under. Nobody told me because they thought it would be best if I didn't know...But that ends now. I'm not their baby anymore...I refuse to be."
I confessed the feelings swirling in me aloud. There wasn't any more time to back down. My heart was already broken, my spirit was the only thing keeping me going.
"I have to know what else she's hiding from me or I will never be able to let go of these feelings!"
"…Feelings, Onee-san?"
I closed my mouth. I nearly confessed what's been on the edge of my lips for a while now.
"…I need to understand everything, Hana-chan. So, I'm going to confront mom about this tomorrow. I...won't talk about her attempted suicide though. She doesn't need to know that I know about that right now."
"…Okay Onee-san…we need to get to sleep...It's getting late into the night."
"You're right, Hana-chan…"
We both stood up and bow deeply to Saitou-san. Because of her actions we are that much more understanding of our parents.
"Saitou Risa-san…thank you!"
I cried doing my best to hold back my weakness. Now wasn't the time for that…I had to be strong because mom and Mari-san have been enduring for longer than I've realized. They've suffered so much...and I won't take their pain in vain.
"You girls get to bed. We still have tomorrow to relax all day…but something tells me you two won't find the rest of this trip all that comforting."
Hana-chan shook her head and responded calmly to the boss lady.
"We greatly appreciate your concern, Saitou-san. …I love my moms…but even I agree that if our family wants to be stronger then they need to express themselves better."
Her tone was somber, so I took hold of her hand to give her a little bit of strength too.
"I fought for normality for so long, Saitou-san, Madoka-san. So, hearing what they've been through…I couldn't imagine what might have happened to the woman I call mom today if my mom didn't take her in."
Her cheeks flowing with tears, Hana-chan seemingly came to her own revelations as she announced the feelings sprawling around in her chest...
"I love my Onee-san…I love my mother and my new mom too. So, if I want to keep this family together, we must communicate better with each other."
Her determination was unmatched. Hana-chan seemed to be signing a declaration of war, one that would fight for her family at all cost.
"...I agree, Hana-chan."
We now bowed deeply and exited the room. Silently, we made our way back to our place. As I held her hand I felt all the stronger. I couldn't imagine finding out all of that alone. Hana-chan gave me the strength I needed tonight.
Once we made it back to our room we got undressed and lied in our futons. There was nothing else to do but to get to sleep and try to process all that we learned tonight.
"…Hana-chan."
I leaned my body over and held her soft head. After rubbing it I gave her a light kiss on the forehead. Her big purple eyes gazed at me.
"O-Onee-san?"
"Hana…I never want to hurt you. You are…one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I want you to know that."
"…Y-You are too."
We stared into each other's eyes now. It was quiet in the room. Only the humming of the heater could be heard, creating a fine ambiance to eventually sleep to.
"Hey, Onee-san...can I tell you something?"
"...Sure, Hana-chan."
"As you know, I'm an only child, Onee-san. Because mom was always busy with work and school as I grew up, I started playing video games. At first, it didn't bother me much but as time went on and I continued to move from school to school on a regular basis...And eventually I noticed that...I was lonely."
She sighed as we curled up closer to one another.
"Mom would try her best to keep the same babysitters though. That way I would feel like they were more like my friends..."
Our body warmth merged as our feelings began to become entangled. Faintly, I could hear her heart beating as I held her in my arms.
"But I would be constantly meeting new people. Some would play games with me…others would leave me alone in my room. But...video games were always the same. I put them in to play...and they wouldn't change. They were my friends to me."
Hana-chan brushed her head against my chest.
"Video games were...my only friends."
"Hana..."
Her small body pushed up against me. I could feel the wetness of her tears as I pet her head softly.
"But then mom introduced me to you. Mom said, "Hana, this girl is a special person to me. One day when she wakes up...I want you and her to get along. Maybe...you could even call her, Onee-san."
The flower sighed as she confessed...
"To have an Onee-san... A real Onee-san that I can call my own. To talk with when I'm down, or play video games with me sometimes...The thought...soothe my loneliness."
Hana-chan giggled as she struck my heart relentlessly.
"I think when mom introduced me to you while you were in your coma, that was one of the happiest days of my life, in hindsight."
Her honesty was breathtaking. This…was the reason why my final choice was fatal. So, I held her tighter and kissed her on the forehead again. She was being honest to me...so I wanted to express my feelings too.
"…When you came up to my room after I had my outburst in the kitchen…it made me so happy, Hana-chan."
I thought back to that time when I was confused. But instead of talking it out I did what a child would do and lashed out at everyone. It wasn't mom or Mari-san that came to my aid and settle my spoiled mood though…no, it was Hana-chan. Looking back I'm so glad it was Hana-chan.
"I was so happy when you first called me, Onee-san...I love you...so much, Hana-chan. And I'm so happy to be your Onee-san."
We lied in silence, holding one another now. I didn't want to let go of my little sister for a second. After hearing such a traumatic event from the past I doubt either of us wanted to sleep alone tonight. I decided that… I won't bring that up with mom. That topic is for another day.
My main goal tomorrow will be to find the time and chat with her about my trauma. Because that would help me understand how much Mari-san meant to me in the past. What she did for me to course me out of that room. That way I can decide on this choice that could hurt this tender flower I'm holding now.
I love my mom…
I love my little sister, Hana-chan…
But I'm still terribly in love with Mari-san...
And these feelings cannot coexist for much longer…