(Reminder for the upcoming chapters. This series is R-15. )
After the drive home and a late dinner, I soaked in the bath to wash away the day. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get this self-serving grin off of my face.
"I…worked my first job."
That realization that I made my own wage for the first time took hold of me. For the first time since I woke up, I felt as though I was finally moving forward. I wasn't trapped in the past like I had been these previous months. Slowly, I was starting to feel the differences in my choices. Now I leaned my head outside the bath and took a deep sigh…
"What am I going to buy Mari-san?"
I pondered as the still water engulfed my body. I've been wondering about it all day, but I still haven't been able to come to a good gift for Mari-san. Maybe a coat? No…something like that would only be used during the winter months. Or…I could get her a ring? But…despite how much I'd want to…mom wouldn't like that sort of thing being given to her lover, would she?
Now my shoulders slumped. It felt as though I was going to sink into the water and be taken away from reality. My head began to grow foggy…thinking about all the things that happened today now.
From helping Ma-chan look around for a new life…
To meeting Saitou Risa-san…
And…all of her advances…
My body warmed up as if the bath was beginning to boil me. Just recalling all the flirts made my chest whirl in a way that I only started to experience recently. There was little doubt about how my body was beginning to show me that I'm older. So, I shook off these tingling feelings within me and stood up from the water.
"It's about time to go call Taylor-sensei."
I reminded myself, trying my best to cool down my heated blood. So, I reached for my shampoo and dabbed a bit of it on my hands...
"Huh?"
The scent was different and it threw me off for a moment. It was citrusy and it captivated my nose.
"Ah...this is Mari-san's shampoo..."
It was already out of the bottle...and impossible to put it back in so I caved and decided to use it for the night. I figured it was only for tonight and thought nothing more about it...
Now all freshened up and out of the bath, I rolled on my bed momentarily before reaching for my phone at my side. With a tap of my fingers, I called my trusty partner. Almost immediately she picked up catching me a tad off guard.
"Hello, Nakagawa-san?"
"How are you, Taylor-sensei?"
From the other side of the phone, I could hear her body hit a cushy surface as she let out a slight huff. It was a bit cute and didn't remind me of how mature Taylor-sensei usually is. This only reminded me of how taboo this situation was now. Regardless of how I looked at it...I'm speaking with an adult, a faculty member outside of school on a more intimate level. What would mom think if she found out?
Now in my grey shirt and short pajama pants, I lifted my body off the bed. The excitement of being more mature swirled in my body not allowing me to settle down.
"I'm alright. Just a lot of work at my college. Sorry I haven't had the time to chat recently..."
"Oh no, that's alright. Sophia-san and I were worried about you and...I was too."
I swore I could hear her kick her feet from the other side of the line. A small tit and tat sound was in the distance and it warmed my chest.
"I'm glad to see Sophia worried…at least I know she still cares for me."
"She does! She really does, Taylor-sensei…"
"Hm…sometimes that hurts though, Nakagawa-san. You know?"
Her light pitched sobered into something melancholic causing my excitement to die down slightly.
"…What do you mean, Taylor-sensei?"
"It…just makes my heart hurt all the more because I can't wrap my arms around her, you know?"
I nod, even though she wouldn't be able to see me do it. I wanted to connect with Taylor-sensei and experience all of her longing. To connect with her emotionally and help ease her pain of want.
"I know how you feel, Taylor-sensei."
My shoulders drop slightly as I curled up on my bed. As if being kidnapped, I wrapped the blankets around my head to be whisked away from the world's light. Now I was like a butterfly in a cocoon. If someone would walk in and see me in this state I'm sure they'd wonder when the Madoka butterfly would hatch from its hibernation.
"Nakagawa-san...how are things for you?"
For a moment I waited. Thinking about all the information I learned, how it was possible that Mari-san...used to feel the same for me too...I poked my head out of the covers and confessed.
"S-Sometimes I…want to hold…Mari-san too, you know? And...tell her how I feel without the consequences of my actions..."
"Ah…Nakagawa-san…"
We both bask in each other's feelings for a moment. Like a forest of flowers, we lie together in this empty field of feelings that shouldn't be. Hers for a sister that goes against their family's wishes. I for a stepmother that could destroy the family they built while I was away. But these unique feelings brought about another realization that I came to. My heart tensed as I brought about my next subject.
"Hey, Taylor-sensei…I have something I'd like to confess…"
"Oh, what is it, Nakagawa-san?"
Now I escaped from my covers and lifted my feet off my bed. I felt as light as a feather as I held my hand to my chest. I wasn't afraid…no, I was more excited if I had to guess. My feet rubbed together as I confessed the conclusion I came to in my heart…
"I…I like girls, Taylor-sensei."
It felt a tad childish saying it that way now to another person. Like telling a friend my favorite color or even my favorite food for breakfast. However, no matter how I felt this was a monumental stage to change. My face began to warm up as Taylor-sensei giggled on the other end. It was soft and passionate. Did it remind me of less of a friend or partner in this case but more of a mother of some kind?
"Ah, what made you come to that conclusion?"
Sensei continued to giggle, causing me to shield my face away from the world with my pillow. I looked about my empty room to make sure no unwanted guest was peeking in, watching me pour out my hidden feelings. Confirming that there were no other plus one's around I poured out my feelings…
"It just…clicked the other day. All these feelings just made sense and I decided to accept them."
I confessed.
"I like the touch of girls. They are cute. Most have soft bodies that I like the feel of. I love their scents, bodies…how emotional they can be too. I-I don't know the touch of a boy but...the touch of a girl I know very well now...and I like it."
As if my room became a desert, sweat began to roll down my forehead as my body became blazing hot.
"I'm so happy for you, Nakagawa-san. And I have to agree, a woman's touch is nice isn't it?"
We both laughed now as our feelings merged. Without bias, we were able to express our feelings. There was no judgment of our likes, no we openly accepted one another and it was refreshing.
"When was it that you found out you liked girls, Taylor-sensei?"
It sounded as if she rolled around for a bit. The ruffle of the sheets from the other side of the phone brought me back to how late it actually was. That's when she spoke softly.
"I don't think I ever concluded it like you, Nakagawa-san. I dated a lot of guys in high school…but nothing ever measured out to more than just a brief fling."
Blowing hot air from her mouth she continued.
"The only person who was there for me…the only one that truly told me that they loved me was…Sophia-san. And…after some deliberation in my heart, I noticed that she was the first that made my heartache when she wasn't around."
I could hear her kick her feet about. Like two girls talking about a crush, we both happily confessed our love for the same sex now. Her feelings were sweet and pure and it made me curl my toes with excitement.
"Does that mean Sophia-san is your first love, Taylor-sensei?"
"…Yes."
How sweet that is. Now I wanted those two to somehow find a way to properly be together. How nice it would be for that fantastical story to be realized and these two to be together. Like a story in a fairytale. The kind I grew up with that told me that your true love will always be recuperated. But as reality began to settle in...I was reminded that life isn't as glamorous as the children's books portrayed. In life, there aren't always happily-ever-afters.
"…Hey, I saw you with a new necklace the other day."
Seemingly out of nowhere, Taylor-sensei brought up Mari-san's gift. I reflexively touched the gold around my neck confirming it was still with me.
"Oh, it was a gift from Mari-san, Taylor-sensei!"
Excited, I sat up on my bed.
"Hey, would you like to face time chat so I can show it to you?"
I wanted to show the world my gift. It wasn't just something I wanted to adore in silence. No, everyone needed to know that the one I love gave it to me...even though I couldn't tell everyone that she was in fact the one I loved.
"Sure thing, Madoka-san."
After some messing around with the mechanics on my phone... the image of Taylor-sensei came into view. But…I wasn't expecting how she looked.
She was in a sleeper white lingerie that caused my body to heat up. It had pink frills that didn't match her mature outlook. It reminded me of strawberry ice cream for some strange reason. N-Not as though it was tasty or something like that!
"Oh!"
"Hehe, are you shy? Should I have put on a robe, Nakagawa-san?"
My mind grew hazily. Here in front of me was a mature and extremely attractive woman relaxing after a long day. Accepting these feelings was certainly more troublesome than I could have ever imagined.
"Oh…no it's fine, Taylor-sensei."
"Are you sure?! I could run over and grab one..."
"I-I said it's fine!"
I shied away from her as I showed her my necklace now.
"Mari-san gave it to me. She actually likes fashion just like me, Taylor-sensei. She's kind and responsible…and I found out that she might have…had feelings for me in the past."
"Oh, Madoka…"
Her tone was somber, and it threw me off guard.
"That's sweet Madoka…but you have to remember where she is now…"
It seemed my over-excitement set me up for disappointment. This caused my heart to sink into my stomach as I took a deep breath to calm my nerves...
"I…know. She's my stepmother…but I can't help but be happy, you know? I even got a job to buy her a return gift."
"Oh, that's good. Moving forwards because of someone you love. I know that feeling well..."
Her shoulders slumped as she whispered to me.
"I...wish your love wasn't so complicated, Nakagawa-san."
Now looking at her soothing expression my body melted a bit. As if touching her would send my body into a fever, I turned away from her reddened cheeks. Only recently we became partners to express our feelings to another without scrutiny. But her words made me feel as though I've known her for years now. Taylor-sensei was easy to talk to and I liked that about her.
"Taylor-sensei…why are you so sweet to me?"
I honestly wanted to know. She was the type to listen to my worries, guide me gently through all my pains. I didn't feel afraid of what I would say to her. No, she certainly was a stabilizer for me, and I needed her right now. But why…was she so sweet? Why was someone like her having to suffer like this?
"Huh? Well…I just feel that I want to be there for you, Nakagawa-san."
She giggled.
"Be there for me?"
I sighed trying to calm my nerves now.
"But you're so nice, all the students like you, you're beautiful and outgoing and constantly working...but you decided to help me out, Sensei. I just can't understand...why me?"
I didn't want to sound ungrateful. Actually, I had nothing but the utmost gratitude for her and that's why I wanted to know the feelings behind her decisions. Was it only because she found me as a kinder spirit going through life with complex feelings like her? Now looking at the full Taylor-sensei. Her vulturous body that I felt that day was soft, warm. Her personality was kind and gentle but a bit of an airhead that drove her charm. Certainly…she's someone who I believe deserves who she loves.
"Hm, you know Nakagawa-san...you're not the only one staring at an attractive beauty right now."
My face warmed up by her sudden compliment.
"B-Beauty?"
"I don't know what it is but…something tells me you don't think too highly of yourself, Nakagawa-san. But you're quite beautiful and that makes me want to protect you, I guess?"
Her words reminded me of Hana-chan's from the other day. After we chatted about Mihara-san. How my little sister told me that I "don't think too highly about myself." Was that true? When I look in a mirror I always compare myself to the one person in my life that I always found was far away, hard to reach in terms of beauty. And that was no one other than my mom. But could that idolization of her cause me to not accept that I might...be a beautiful person too?
"I want you to be happy, Taylor-sensei. And…I promise to do all that's in my power to help you find your happiness."
"…Are you saying you'd be my knight in shining armor if all doesn't go well?"
Regardless of the warm smile she had, I could feel an overwhelming sense of...sadness in her voice.
As we both lied in bed piercing each other with our gazes, I recalled something from the other day. I promised Sophia-san that I'd be her shoulder to cry on if things didn't work out the way she wanted. And I won't give up on that promise either. As to support my partner and my friend I will be there for this kind, gentlewoman in the racy outfit in front of me. If one day she decides that her love for Sophia-san isn't founded…I will be the person she can confide in, hold in her arms and cry out into this cold world called life. Will I be ready to take on all of Taylors-sensei's pains if that happens in the future?
"…I'm no knight, Taylor-sensei…"
I giggled at her obvious tease.
"But when I was little, the boys in my class would call me little princess behind my back."
I lightly chuckled.
"Does that mean you will be my princess, Madoka-san?"
My mouth opened wide as she called me by my given name suddenly…how this moment between us felt calming yet heart-wrenching at the same time. As if the weight of this choice could crush anyone who took hold of it. Slowly, I wanted to be that person who could be relied upon like I am doing with Taylor-sensei now. I took a deep breath, confirming my promise with that blonde shark, Sophia-san.
"I'll be there for you every step of the way...Sensei."
Taylor-sensei just giggled almost manically now. It caused me to shy back into my pillows, away from her teases.
"I promise to be there for you too, Nakagawa-san...no matter what happens with your love as well."
For a moment we listened to each other's breath. It was somber and calming.
"It's getting late Nakagawa-san. I should let you sleep."
"Oh…yeah."
I actually didn't want to disconnect yet. With Sensei being the only person who knew my secrets, I wanted for us to share more moments like these.
"Hey, it's your birthday this weekend, right Nakagawa-san?"
"Oh…yeah. I didn't want anything too big but…because I haven't been here for the last two…my mom is making a big deal about it."
"Well, happy early birthday."
"T-Thanks."
"Goodnight, Nakagawa-san."
"Oh…Taylor-sensei…"
I spoke up before she cut the line. Now she hovered there in my phone with that racy lingerie that pulled at the red blood inside me.
"No…never mind. Good night...Sensei."
With another brief by a seemingly sincere giggle, she cut the line of sight between us. I'm not sure what I wanted to say in the end…just a moment longer to speak with her is all that I wanted, I guess. Now I held my phone to my chest, silently thanking my partner for the wonderful time. My birthday was soon, I was becoming older and more mature day by day. I'll have to continue to discover what I don't know to conclude my feelings.
"When I get the time, I'll chat with mom about my trauma...and learn more about her too."
That is my next goal…I need to understand the level of pain not only me but that she was in as well. That will better help me understand these feelings for Mari-san. And it will help me conclude if it'll be the right decision to pursue these feelings further…
Something in me wanted me to continue to explore them though...as if it would be the only way to come to stop these raging emotions within me.
No matter how horrid that sounds thinking about my mother's love like this...
I do indeed…love Mari-san too and need to face up to what may have happened between us in the past soon.