I can feel his glance over my shoulder as I finally get out of the bedroom, but as soon as I decide to go straight to my car a part of me thinks the opposite.
I freeze in front of the door without making another step.
I've been running away and hiding lately, like I'm a coward, rather than someone used to solving problems on my own since the age of ten.
I cannot leave Juliet in those conditions, I have promised her so many things... and she is not at fault in all this mess.
I sigh exaggeratedly and then force myself to turn around: that bastard's attention is captured by the television so I try not to look at him and I walk towards the girl's room.
I find her with her head deep in the pillow as her shoulders move up and down on the bed.
She raises her head as soon as she notices my presence, and then go back to sobbing:
"He's an asshole!" - she raises her exasperated voice.
I try to answer and agree with her, but I am anticipated by her damn father who shouts from the opposite side of the wall:
"I heard you!" - his calm tone continues to annoy me, but I get alarmed when Juliet gets up and quickly reaches the door of her room.
I block her way, while she glares at me:
"Leave me, Clara!" - my heart tightens to see her in these conditions, but she is so stubborn that she would be capable of causing an uproar.
"Sit down for a moment." - I invite her calmly, even if in my mind there's a big wish of letting her go and watch her do to Alex what I don't have the courage to do.
She tries to argue, but I gently drag her on her bed.
«I know what you will tell me: it is too early for me to have a boyfriend ...» - she rolls her eyes.
«Yes, I agree with your brother.» - I admit.
She is really too young to have such experiences: at her age I still didn't know the difference between female and male sex.
But I also have to admit that Juliet is much more serious than a girl her age, so I shouldn't worry.
We shouldn't worry.
«But I trust you.» - I add, while she widens her eyes.
"Seriously? Can I continue to go out with him?»- she asks, catching me unprepared for this question.
«It depends on what you mean by 'going out'.» - I try to make her understand that she is forbidden to kiss him, touch him, hug him and almost even look at him.
Regardless of my words, she ties her arms around my neck in a hug.
«But...» - I approach her ear- «Your brother don't need to know it.» - I wink at her.
She nods as if I've done her a big favor by accepting the fact that she's found a boyfriend.
It immediately comes to my mind to invite her to come with me, even though spending time in a hospital is not so exciting, but I can realize how much this house is suffocating her right now, especially with Alex as watchdog.
"Would you like to come with me?"
I get a little bit surprised when she doesn't think twice before answering: "Sure!"
I smile relaxed and slightly relieved, at least I know that I don't risk finding a massacre once I get back from work.
I get to my feet followed by her as she catapults into the closet.
I watch her take out a heavy jacket, then anticipate me and walk out of the room.
I try to reach her as soon as I get out of her room but I freeze when outside the door I find Alex standing and leaning against the pillar that divides the kitchen from the living room.
He crosses his arms looking at me from above: even if his expression is indecipherable, I know he will say something that will only make me feel worse than I already feel, so I prepare myself and harden my gaze: I shouldn't be here in front of him right now. He doesn't deserve me, he shouldn't even have the courage to look me in the eye, yet he stands in front of me with arrogance, ready to attack me.
A mixture of anger and confusion invades my thoughts: I feel I have spent so many years under the same roof with a stranger.
I will never forget his expression when he confirmed that he had cheated on me with Catherine: to him it seemed like a trivial thing, something that would have happened sooner or later.
I try to get the image of Catherine out of my head, but I keep wondering if she's already talked to Alex about our first memorable meeting.
I mentally remember her shapes and think about her body stretched over Alex's pumped-up one: I clench my jaw, struggling even to understand the words of the man in front of me:
"Where are you going?" - he asks, as if he was really worried about me.
"You shouldn't care about where I go anymore." - I spit sour, looking him straight in the eye.
«I don't care about where you go, I want to know where my daughter goes.» - his words strike me, as if I didn't expect all this coldness from him.
He finally admits what I feared these days.
Nothing is the same as before. For him I was one of many women he has fucked in his life, and he has never changed.
I thought I would be able to change his attitude, I thought he loved me so much that he would spend the rest of his life with me, even if he is the indifferent asshole who took away the virginity of half of the women of the Bronx.
But I should have realized that it was going to be impossible: it was even hard for him to say 'I love you'.
In four years he has said it only three times: the first time when I found out that Juliet is his daughter and not his sister, the second time he said it in exchange of fifty dollars the first day we moved to Australia.
The last time instead , he said drunk, and to thank me for taking off his stinking socks before lying on our bed.
"So?" - he raises an eyebrow, then I move towards the door, leaving his body behind, and then answer his question with a faint voice, but hoping to be heard by him:
"Away from you."
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