"It began when Queen Chrysalis arrived."
I turned to look at Luna, but she wasn't there. Canterlot's spires had crumbled, the grass had dried and died, and I no longer felt the warmth of the Sun. I looked up, but the sky was gone, replaced by rocks and stone.
"Let me go!"
Vile green goo covered Cadence's body, and it strapped her to a brightly glowing crystal that protruded from the bare ground. Changeling drones swarmed and made the cave's walls look alive. Before Cadence, Queen Chrysalis stood, grinning at her helpless victim.
This was her memory of being imprisoned beneath Canterlot, who knows how long before I eventually freed her.
"I said let me go!" Cadence yelled.
Chrysalis smiled. "No."
"Let me, let—"
The queen put her black hoof onto the struggling princess' mouth. "No."
Cadence struggled more, to no avail.
"Honestly," Chrysalis said, "I think Canterlot is better off without you. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be."
"How so?"
"Well, just look at yourself." Chrysalis put her hoof under Cadence's chin, but she pulled away. "You're useless. Tell me, princess, what have you ever accomplished in your life?"
Cadence did not answer; she didn't even look.
"Oh, come now," Chrysalis said. "Don't be shy."
"Happiness," she finally said, turning towards her captor.
"That's lovely." Chrysalis giggled. "And tell me, how did that work out for you?"
"Once Shining Armor finds out—"
"My husband-to-be love, love, loves me. And he will, until the day he dies."
"You monster!"
"Oh, watch the language, silly filly. Consider the facts: you're gone, and no pony even noticed. Half your brother's guards are my children. As I've said, you're useless."
Chrysalis leaned closer to Cadence. I could feel her cold breath on my neck, and I heard her voice as if she was whispering to me rather than her.
"You see," Chrysalis began, "big girls get what they want."
Big girls get what they want.
"Queen Chrysalis changed her," I heard Luna again.
I saw a familiar lavender unicorn burst through the wall and find Cadence.
"Even after she was gone..."
In the blink of an eye, Chrysalis and her changeling army was expelled from Equestria.
"Cadence was never the same."
It's not that simple.
"What happened to her?" I asked. "How could she change so much?"
Princess Luna was standing at my side. I lost my balance for a moment, and I almost fell down a long flight of stairs. Regaining my posture, I looked around. The walls were made of stairs and doors, and they turned and bent in ways that defied rational thought. Through little cracks, I could catch glimpses of different events in Cadence's life. We were, I realised, inside the dollhouse, yet still outside Cadence's mind, standing on the brim of her consciousness.
"Walk with me," Luna said.
She began walking upwards, and I followed quickly. The bottom of the impossible space seemed to close in on us faster than the top. I understood it, then; but, just like a dream, I can't possibly imagine it now. My head was spinning and splitting.
In time, we reached a door somewhere atop or below. I recognised its design; it was from Canterlot, and belonged to a high-class residence. Luna nodded at me urgingly. I put a hoof on the knob and pulled carefully.
Inside I saw a vision of love and hate. My parents argued, but then they made up; my mother cooked dinner, but my father refused to eat it; he embraced her, but she was looking at somepony else. Then they were lying in the dirt, covered by sheets so that I couldn't tell them apart, and guards surrounded them, and their door was open, and Shining Armor stood there, and Cadence cried—
No!
I slammed the door shut, leaning onto it with two hooves so that it wouldn't open again. Only then did I notice that I was gasping for air. My whole body trembled.
"I am sorry, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said. "You asked to know everything. Through that door are secrets that have been kept from you."
I closed my eyes, straining my hooves to push the door closed with even greater force. Do I really want to know? Perhaps forgetting would be a mercy.
See this.
"Where are you going?" Luna asked in a worried tone.
But I wasn't going anywhere. Not that I could tell, at any rate. The door disappeared, and before I could open my eyes, I was falling. Then I was floating, and water filled my lungs. For a moment, I felt compelled to just let go and be swallowed by the sea of regret.
Sand covered my mane.
I coughed, and for a while, there was only water coming up. I could finally take a deep breath. Standing up, I brushed the sand out of my mane and fur. Then I coughed some more. It took me a minute to regain my strength.
It was warm again, warmer than I liked. An oversized Sun was in its zenith, creating mirages along a long beach. To the left and right, the sand seemed to go on for eternity. Behind me, the gentle waves of a peaceful ocean licked the shore, and before me was a dense jungle of tall tropical trees. My head hurt too much to think. Moving it made me sick, and so I tried to keep it as level and motionless as I could.
"Luna?" I asked.
No answer came.
There was movement among the trees. Fallen leaves rustled and made a crunching noise. A younger Cadence soon emerged onto the endless beach, her mane done up in a stylish ponytail. It was just as I remembered from her foalsitting days. Beside her, I also saw an echo of myself: a young lavender filly who hadn't even got her cutie mark yet. They smiled and laughed with each other, walking straight towards me.
When they came close, Cadence stopped and looked me in the eye. She was different, now; she wasn't young any more. She was taller than I remembered, too. And despite her kind gaze, her eyes held something different.
Something sinister.
I looked at the filly beside her. She wasn't me. Her colours reminded me of my brother.
"Cadence?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Where are we? What happened to Luna?"
"She isn't here."
"Why?"
"I don't want her to be."
I heard the water grow restless behind me.
"Why me, then?"
The sounds of crashing waves intensified. Cadence gasped, and looked down at the foal, who wasn't there any more.
"Because it's your fault," she said, looking not at me but at the sea behind me.
Then she turned around and ran swiftly back into the tangles of the forest. I lost sight of her quickly.
A roar sounded behind me, and I turned around to look. From the sea rose a massive monster, a grotesque sea serpent that bled from many wounds. Its head alone was bigger than my entire body, and most of it was still concealed by the water. It rose higher and higher, looking down at me ravenously. I took a few steps back, and it lowered its head onto the sand, its long body arching above the shoreline.
It seemed to be in pain, and its entire body throbbed spasmodically as its mouth gaped. I saw a pair of hooves reach out from its throat. Then came a head, and the rest; a frightened boar, drenched in the monster's bodily fluids, leapt from its mouth and ran for the forest.
The snake heaved more, and it vomited up another boar, and another, and sometimes more than one at once, until there were too many to count. As they all rushed past me and into the forest, I realised where I was. This was no memory, no daydream or stray thought. I was reliving a nightmare.
Just as I made that discovery, my body began acting on its own, turning to follow the pigs. I was aware of it, and I did nothing to stop it. Perhaps I was doing it on my own accord. The many boars had trampled a path for me into the dense forest, and I followed this pig-run as the snake rose again and began creeping after us.
We ran fast, and we ran deep, the monster in pursuit. While the pigs and I had to jump and crawl to make it through the forest, the trees broke and shattered with thunderous noise under the weight of the snake. It lashed out periodically, tearing everything apart before itself. I could barely keep ahead. Some of the boars fell and tripped, and were soon crushed under the serpent's massive body.
The trees ahead of us caught fire, and soon I was breathing in more ash and smoke than real air. It scraped my throat and I coughed heavily. Somehow, all that didn't impede my ability to run. I just hated the taste.
The fires grew and consumed everything. Branches cracked and trees fell, sending storms of cinder and embers into the air. A boar was blinded and squealed; another crashed into the burning growth, catching fire as it ran in deeper, screaming. The yellowish light of the midday Sun was outshined entirely by the hellish red flames.
We came to a mountain, long overgrown by the great forest. Flames consumed its surface as we approached, but there was a cave opening at its side which provided respite from the fire. The pigs sped inside, and so did I, the snake still coming swiftly behind us.
Inside it was dark, but I could see. A pig took a wrong step, and I heard its leg snap; several others fell over it as it tripped. Rocks fell from the cave ceiling, crushing some and slowing more; in mere seconds, the snake squashed them as it crawled past. The floor cracked and opened, and the last remaining boars fell into a searing abyss beneath.
I was the only one left, still running ever deeper, fleeing the horrible monster behind me. The long tunnel came to an end; a massive rock wall obstructed my path. I ran up to it, unwilling to stop, and found a narrow crack in the wall, just barely enough for me to squeeze into. Without hesitation, I crawled inside and continued moving forward. The rock shook as the snake crashed into the wall. In there, it couldn't reach me.
I got through the crawlspace and emerged on the other side. I found myself in the open again; the mountain rose high behind me. There was no more fire, and I couldn't hear the serpent.
The tropical heat was gone as well, replaced by a delightful afternoon warmth. The trees were different than what I had seen on the other side of the mountain; they weren't the exotic things I couldn't name. In fact, I recognised them from their beautiful pink contours: they were cherry trees.
A narrow, curving path began at the crack from which I crawled and it snaked forward between the slender trees. A calming scent filled the air, and the roots of the trees sprouted from the ground, making elegant arches before returning into the earth. Even the branches twisted, but only in pleasing ways, creating different, smooth shapes and casting splendid shadows. The cherries that hung low were large, and exuded an aura of innocence.
The grove was something out of a fairy tale.
I walked along the curving road, and I caught a glimpse of the sky between two trees. There was no Sun, but a heart where it should have been. With each slow beat, a gentle breeze stroked my mane.
Coming around a tree, I finally saw Cadence sitting at the centre of the thicket. She poked at the ground with a hoof, as if waiting for something. I thought I could see sadness in her eyes.
"Cadence?" I called out to her.
She turned to me, and showed a painful smile. I walked closer.
"Cadence, please," I said, sitting down beside her. "I want to help you."
For a while, Cadence was silent. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
She pushed me onto the ground, laying me on my back. She put two hooves onto my neck and pressed down hard, choking me. I tried to ask her to stop, but I couldn't. I tried to kick her off, but I was too weak.
"I don't want to do this," she sobbed.
But we are.
I was in my bed, tucked in carefully. I felt warm and safe. Mummy rocked the bed gently. But she wasn't mummy.
"It's not fair!" Cadence cried.
Nothing is.
My legs deadened. My throat was crushed, and Cadence refused to stop. I couldn't struggle any more. Dark clouds gathered in the sky and blocked out the Heart. As the first drops of rain fell, I closed my eyes.
I took a deep breath.
I stood looking at the cherry tree at the Canterlot Park again. Foals played and adults laughed. Under the tree, Shining Armor held a crying Cadence. I wanted to go to them. When I took a step, however, they came no closer. I walked, and then I ran, but the grassy field stretched faster than I could go. I would never reach them.
A yank at my hind legs made me fall forward. Then it was dark and cramped.
I barely even fit under the bed.
She'd never think to look for me here. Cadence opened the door.
All I could see of her from my hiding place were her hooves. I felt the floorboards shake with my tummy as she walked.
"Twilight," she called out playfully. "I know you're in here somewhere!"
I could hardly stop myself from snickering. I mustn't. It would "give away my position," as Shiny would say.
Cadence's hooves made their clattery way to the wardrobe. "I've checked everywhere else," she said as one of them disappeared. "And believe me, I've been thorough."
The wardrobe opened, and Cadence began shifting around the clothes. At first, she just fumbled blindly around inside.
"Oh, you're really deep in there. Think I won't look hard enough? Think again."
Clothes began flying out, glowing in blue light. I never understood why mum insisted on having so many... I hated wearing them. The floor was soon covered with the glorified rags. All those things just for going to theatres and restaurants!
When the wardrobe was empty, Cadence sighed. The clothes slowly floated up, and she dusted them off one by one before they flew back—again carefully folded—to their place. She closed the wardrobe doors, giving a nervous giggle.
"Don't tell mummy about that, okay? Okay?"
Of course, I didn't answer.
"You know she taught me her special cake recipe? I can bake you one if we keep this between us."
I gave my silent approval. She kept her word, a few days later. It tasted something awful.
She walked to the centre of the room and sat down, her hooves facing me directly. What now? She didn't move, and for a while, didn't say anything. She can't see me. I can't see her eyes. Calm down.
"Oh, there you are," she said in a relieved tone. "I thought I'd never find you."
What? No way!
She turned to the side a little. "You can come out now. I can see you."
No you can't, you big liar.
"I can see you, Twilight," she chortled.
You can't.
She turned around, her back towards me now. "I know what you're thinking. And I can, too."
Oh, no you can't! I stuck my head out. My horn almost got stuck in there. "Liar, liar, flanks on fire!"
Cadence showed a devious grin. She squished my nose with the tip of a hoof. "Boop," she said. "Gotcha."
I couldn't believe I fell for that.
"Oh, look at you," she said, lifting me with a tug of magic. "We agreed you wouldn't go in there. You're too big for it. Now you're all dirty." She shook her head with a smile. "Who's the liar now?"
"You," I said, sticking my tongue out at her.
"Why you," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Come on now." Her magic slowly placed me onto the floor again, letting me go. "Let's get you cleaned up."
"Can't we go another round?"
Cadence walked to the door and beckoned for me to follow. "After your mane's not full of dust. Maybe. You'll have to impress me." With that, she left.
"Sunshine, sunshine," I said as I ran to catch up.
Cadence laughed. "Ladybugs play hide and seek."
As Cadence and Twilight left the room, I sat on the bed.
"Sunshine, sunshine," Cadence whispered. She sat next to me. Our weight didn't affect the mattress at all. Turning to her, I saw that her head was hung. "That used to be my sunshine."
"I don't understand," I said. "I remember this. I remember this."
"We aren't in my mind," she said. "We are in our mind. Some interesting things you've got in there."
The room was at once gone, replaced by a cold winter night at Sweet Apple Acres. Frozen patches of snow hung from my legs. A silver-tipped crossbow bolt was stuck in a tree. I had hit the monster, I was sure of that; evidently, however, the bolt passed straight through its incorporeal form. How does one fight a shadow?
Apple Bloom had been sick for weeks, and her time was running short. Even Zecora couldn't help her. But I could. I only had to exorcise the demon. But how? When I realised that Apple Bloom's illness began right after the first snowfall, I knew what it was that this being called home.
A considerable portion of the apple orchard was burnt to a crisp that night, and the cursed snow melted with it. They never made the connection to me. Incidentally, that winter was when I first noticed how broken my connection with Applejack was.
A cold breeze swept dried leaves out of my way. It was in early autumn that I visited the Germane town of Nachthengst: the place of my father's birth. Granddad died before his son did, and my grandmother wasn't faring well. When I wasn't tending to her, I was out dealing with the unruly gargoyle of their ancient Sun temple.
"All the lies," Cadence said. "My sunshine is a liar. But it's my fault, in the end."
I wasn't offended at the apparent invasion of my mind. I wasn't even scared. I was only one thing.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"When I was young," Cadence said, "I wondered why I even do it. Celestia made me watch over children, and for what? Even she didn't know what to do with me. She and Luna, they live above us, all of us. They have the wisdom of a thousand years and more. They act like I'm just like them, but I'm not. I've always felt I have no reason to exist."
"You say I was your sunshine. You meant the world to me."
"And that became my reason to be. I had nothing else. Now I wish we could go back, back to where we were then. I could foalsit you again, and you could be my favourite little filly again."
"But I'm not a foal any more. And you're not a foalsitter. You are a princess, and I... I am here to help you."
"A princess..." She sniffed. "What good is that? Because that's exactly what Celestia told me. When I grew up, I had to start acting like a princess. No more foalsitting. It was the one thing I loved. The one thing I was good for. But I didn't mind, at first. I was looking forward to growing up. Now...."
She hung her head again, and mumbled something I couldn't understand.
"What's wrong?" I asked. "Talk to me."
There is nothing left for us.
A tree's branch spurted from the ceiling just above Cadence. At first it seemed withered, but as it grew and thickened, a pleasant brown filled in the dead greys. Leaves sprouted at its sides, and the branch parted in two, the resulting twins snaking around one another in an organic dance. Pink flowers, in the colour of Cadence's own coat, bloomed from the branches, and soon the entire ceiling was covered with their beauty.
"It's all I've ever wanted," Cadence whispered. "I can't have a child."
"What?" was the only thing I could say.
She snapped her head towards me, snarling, and screamed in the cracked voice of a crying mare. "I can't have a child!"
The room trembled. The sky thundered. The walls cracked, and from the cracks poured cold water. The tapestry melted. The bed was soaking wet. Cadence was freezing cold. I couldn't speak.
"There's nothing left for me," she said. "Nothing."
Her voice was waning. She gulped to lubricate her dry throat. Then she looked forward blankly, straightening her back and lifting her chin. The room was beautiful again. I looked for the right words, but found none.
"Don't worry," she said. "You don't have to say a thing."
I nodded. She looked down, and a bittersweet smile crept onto her lips.
"It's interesting," she began, "how a mind connects some things. Sometimes, somehow, it just clicks." She looked at me again. "I can see it. The smell of a fresh book reminds you of your mother. When you have a nightmare, you think of your father. I get that too, you know. There's this one memory I have... the worst I have. It's what Luna wanted to show you before I snatched you away. And every time I'm reminded of it, I also remember something entirely different. I'd like you to see it."
With that, she got up and left the room. I stepped off the bed of my childhood and onto a bed of soft grass. We were in the park again.
A young Twilight Sparkle was running for the cherry tree. When she reached it, she tapped her hoof on it quickly, then looked back victoriously. Cadence caught up with her in a matter of seconds.
Twilight stuck her tongue out. "Faster than you," she said amidst heavy panting.
"Drat," Cadence said, giving a shady grin. "I just can't beat you."
Heh. "Did I really fall for that?" I asked. I couldn't help but smile.
"Sunshine, sunshine," the filly Twilight began.
"Ladybugs awake," the young Cadence continued.
"Clap your hooves..."
"And do a little shake!"
Cadence looked at me with a raised brow.
"I don't even remember this," I said.
"I'm so glad you're here," Twilight said. "You're the best!"
"I'm happy too," the sly Cadence replied. "We'll always be happy, right?"
"Of course."
Something about their bright faces made me feel uneasy. Indeed, there was something in the air; the smell of lies.
"I thought you wouldn't remember it," Cadence said. "Luna still believes I didn't notice how she smuggled thoughts into my head."
"Why would she do that?" I asked.
"She erects these walls of happiness around my darkest moments. She thinks it helps me. It doesn't."
"I'm not sure I get it, though. Why is Luna trying to help you? What happened to you? Is it all because of your... condition?"
"No!" she broke out. "It's what she thinks, too! But she doesn't understand. Nopony does. It's not about you. It's not about the kids. It's about me. Me!"
I had to take a step back. Clouds were forming in the sky again.
"Why am I a princess? What am I good for? The only reason anypony knows I exist is because of my wedding. And they only noticed that happened because of Queen Chrysalis and her children!"
A storm raged now, and the cherry tree swayed in the wind as though it was ready to snap in half.
"I should never have been discovered. I should've been allowed to live out my pointless existence and wither and die in peace!"
The water covered my fetlocks.
"And the insult! Like saying nice things will help me. She acts as if a few memories given or stolen is all it takes. She thinks she understands, that we are the same. We are not the same. We are not the same!"
A great wave washed over me and I was consumed again by the tide of remorse.