I wake up to the sound of my own alarm bell ringing in my ears. Unfortunately, it's already 7:25 am, which means I slept for a good amount of four hours. That's too bad because I can already feel the pulsating headache coursing through my entire existence with every thought I weave into my head, and with every step I make out of my bed. Only then do I notice that I lisped in my jeans. Great!
Last night, after speaking to Kevin, I sat down by my window for a second time and thought about things. Just things in general while I played my favourite music in the background. As the saying goes, "if life had background music, everything would be just easier," my background music helped me think more.
And there is no such saying like that. I made it all up off the 2013 super famous t-shirt quotes. I miss 2013 and playing in the local garden while my mother pushed my swing. Life was good.
As the music revised, so did my thoughts. They metamorphosed. I synced my head to my music, and forced myself to replay a happy track— just so I could think of the happier times, but to no avail.
I hurry out of my bed and get into my morning modalities. As a thumb rule, the idea is to drink tea first and then brush my teeth because that helps get rid of the stains. Stains? Yes, I drink the Indian-styled tea with milk and everything else — cardamom, ginger, yada-yada-yada! Tea is an essential part of my day. I would just simply cease to function without my daily dose of tea. That's it.
I brush my teeth, and while doing so, I come face to face with the wild mess that I have become. My eyes look swollen as a result of the undersupply of sleep. My eye bags look like they have no plans to leave me; I am their permanent home. I can spot pimples everywhere, and my hair hasn't been combed in over an eternity.
In short, my existence is unacceptable. And I have only myself to blame.
But who cares?
I finish my morning course and prance out of my room. It's so quiet. The only noise I have is inside of my head and it's so loud that I sometimes am unable to hear the world outside. The pictures in my head make it extremely enervating.
My breakfast includes the usual cereal with all those supplements I take. Oh, Christ! What do I not take? Calcium, vitamins, Omega 3, iron — you name it. But I have also started to learn and appreciate them just the same as I do feel more substantial. I feel better.
I'm indecisive. I still sleep with my jeans on. And I sometimes forget to eat between my busy schedule — my busy schedule of a turmoil. My supplements are causing me a little fatigue. I know how much you hated that. I sometimes want to call someone so desperately when I get so drunk. I think I even talk in my sleep and say all that I mean, but this time nobody listens.
He isn't here to listen.
School is in an hour, and for the first time after months, I feel hopeful. I am hopeful that this day will somehow be different than the rest. Maybe it's the conversation I had with Kevin that reminds me of how I can potentially change the course of my life over the trip we are about to in two weeks. Or maybe it's the 4 hours of sleep that has me as reorganised as possible.
God knows!
I put my cereal in the bowl and microwave the milk while I get my supplements. Daily iron and vitamins. You see, I need all the nourishment I can get. I don't have anyone to count on to if in case I were to fall sick. My friends and family live a thousand miles away. At this point, I am all by myself in this house that feels a little too big for just one person.
And that's because it is. Uncle John, who lives in France now, said I could live here if I wanted to since I chose to apply to school here. I have been living by myself for about two years now, and I have gotten used to the loneliness and the emptiness. This void cannot be filled.
But it didn't always feel so untenanted. I have happy memories within the walls of this house. But as much as I sometime wander back to those, I know better.
During my time with Jesse, we would watch movies on the weekend and have sleepovers. We would sometimes also crash drunk at my house. Sometimes there would be candlelit dinners, and sometimes we'd have ice cream for breakfasts. Reminiscing the past never does any good to anyone. The good memories never leave, making it harder for you to make peace with your now — the present. And what's coming.
I look at the dining table — chairs for two. I can almost envision him sitting opposite, laughing and making jokes. I can almost see him. But I know better. He isn't here, and he will never be here again.
And suddenly, the cereal feels too heavy, and I am choking on every bite I take. With every bite, the bile rises in my throat till I have to force myself to eat. Is it the fact that I did not get a closure? Or is it the fact that I can't help but wonder just how exactly wasn't I enough?
Will I ever heal from this?
I gulp down as much as I can without throwing up. I can't stay inside any longer. I am in need of fresh air. I need to be out. I want to be out.
I grab my school bag and move out of the house as quickly as I can. The sunlight never felt so good. It never felt so soothing as it does today. With every touch against my skin, I start to feel better.
I play Hollow Coves in the background as I march towards the bus station which is at a distance of 700 meters. But today, every step makes me feel weak.
"I'm moving far away
To a sunny place
Where it's just you and me
Feels like we're in a dream
You know what I mean
I'm moving far away
To a sunny place
Where it's just you and me
Feels like we're in a dream
You know what I mean"
Today is Jesse's birthday. It's been more than a year, and the mouthful of his name still burns my throat. I miss him, and I miss myself around him.
Only the does it hit me like a truck.
School is over. So where exactly am I heading to?
I think I know.