I had no choice. The guide of souls paddled lightning-fast through the waters of the world, and Tethys stood at the prow, bending the current to her will. I tried fruitlessly to count the stars in the sky.
"Avernus," my grandmother said. Roman ruins shone in the moonlight, and Mount Vesuvius rose in the distance. The air choked with sulfuric fumes.
"Thanks Titi." Hermes moved to the prow.
She nodded. "Godspeed, Hermes, and by the gods, Agalia, be safe." She gathered me into her arms. "You're a daughter of the waters. The Styx guard you." She melted into the water.
"Aggie, do you have the Red Bull? I'm about to keel over."
"Right."
He downed it in one gulp.
"Aaah," Hermes sighed. "Okay. Onwards to Hades. Goth gear intact."
I looked down at my black stilettos, grimacing. "I look like Elvira."
"No, you look like Hekate."
He rowed us to the banks of a cliff. A cave gaped before us. "That wasn't there a second ago," I said.
"You just didn't notice." Hermes whistled. "Charon! I got a new load. C'mon, Corpseboy."
Dark muttering came from within. A gray man stomped out, carrying a beer. He was dressed in boxers and a Grateful Dead t-shirt. "Yeah, yeah," he gruffed. Charon lit a torch. "She's pretty, Hermes. Too bad she's dead."
"Nice guy," I muttered.
"He's an acquired taste." Hermes made sure Charon wasn't listening. "Though in a few minutes, he won't like me much."
A vast cavern spread out, its ceiling tall as the sky. A huge, tumultuous river howled past. The murky darkness was studded with souls, loitering on the riverbank.
"This is worse than the DMV," one muttered as I walked past them. Another joshed his friend in the side. "Hey, look at that piece of tight-"
Hermes tripped him with his caduceus. The lewd soul fell to the ground.
"Behave, worms," Charon growled. He reached a decaying wooden boat. "Here you go, sweetheart." He ushered me into the boat. "And I know just what you can pay in-"
Hermes slapped four quarters into his hand.
Charon pocketed the change. "Cheap as always." He poled us along. I looked in horror at the water. Souls reached back.
I looked away, stomach flipping. Hermes patted my back.
"So, Charon. How's the love life?"
"Shut up," Charon snapped.
"Hades told me you finally got the Erinyes' number. It only took what, a few millennia? Good going, buddy. If you have any questions about the ladies, I'm your go-to. We're thick as thieves, right?"
Charon stabbed Hermes with the sharpened end of his pole. Hermes pulled it from his breast.
"I swear by the Styx I'll destroy you," Charon growled.
"Hey! No ill will. Say, why don't we go watch Spartacus after this and grab a Bud together?"
"You mock me."
"I do?" Hermes smiled innocently. "You're right. I do."
Charon roared, thrusting his pole at him. "I'll feed your entrails to Cerberus." Hermes hopped back and forth, avoiding the pole. The boat rocked; my nausea grew.
"I'm lean meat. I don't think Persephone's three-headed poodle would like me."
I clung to my seat. Hermes lured Charon to the edge, hovering over the Styx with his winged combat boots.
"Hah!" Charon roared, landing a blow on his heart.
"Aye, a mortal wound!" Hermes crowed. Charon put all his weight into the stabbing, and the boat began to capsize. "Impressive, Charon. Didn't think you had it in you." Hermes slapped him on the back in congratulations. Charon, caught off balance, went tumbling into the Styx.
"Son of a Gorgon!" Charon struggled as the souls dragged him down.
"See ya, chump." Hermes merrily poled away.
We traveled all day. Anxiety gnawed away at me like a beaver. I watched the eldritch scenes pass by, transfixed-
Something snapped within me. I screamed.
Hermes nearly dropped the pole, racing towards me. "Aggie, what's wrong?"
I struggled for breath. "It hurts, all over," I moaned, doubled over in pain. Hermes' face grew wan.
"It's Thanatos," he whispered. "We must be close. Quick - hide under this cloak. You have to relax. Clear your mind."
"How?" It was like the bite of a black widow. I shuddered.
Hermes bit his lip. A rocky cliff bordered us, water trickling down it as if from some hidden spring. Hermes' eyes flashed. He cupped some of the water, then dabbed it on my brow. "Lethe runoff," he whispered. "It will numb your pain."
My surroundings dimmed to shadow. Hermes' concerned face grew cloudy.
Quiet footsteps approached.
I watched as if in a dream.
HERMES.
Hermes tipped his hat, lips twitching. "Th- Thanatos."
THIS IS NOT YOUR USUAL ROUTE.
"Yes, well, I'm a wanderer. I was struck by an itch for adventure."
TARTARUS IS A FOOLISH PLACE TO VENTURE THROUGH.
"Is it, now?" Hermes asked, folding his hands atop his pole. "I thought it was Hades' greatest attraction."
IT IS POPULAR AMONGST THE DAMNED.
"Heh, well, is that so. You looking great as ever, Th - Thanny. We should hang out more."
I GROW QUITE LONELY.
"R - right."
PERHAPS YOU WILL ACCOMPANY ME TO A BAR.
"Any time, man, any time."
I YEARN FOR MORTAL WOMEN.
"We all do."
I ALMOST SENSE ONE NOW.
Hermes paled. "Too bad they don't come down here. I'm sure we can find you a nice girl."
A towering shadow drifted towards the boat. Ribbons of darkness touched the prow.
THERE IS A GIRL WITH YOU.
"But that's impossible, Than, my man. You really have it bad. I've got some girlie mags I can give you, y'know."
There was a sigh like disappointed wind.
I DO.
Hermes laughed uncomfortably. "Right, buddy. Well, you've got eternity. I'm sure you'll find your lucky lady eventually."
I LONG FOR HER BODY AND SOUL.
"Ooookay. Remind me to show you Reno later. I think you'd get a kick out of it." Sweat dripped from Hermes' brow.
RENO… YES. I WOULD LIKE THAT. The wind hissed. THERE IS UNREST, HERMES.
"Is that so?"
PROMETHEUS HAS BEEN UNBOUND.
"You're joking."
I NEVER MAKE JOKES. HE SEEKS HESIONE.
"Huh. Well, is she here?"
YES.
"Well, fancy that. You think he'll find her?"
HE ALREADY HAS.
Hermes stood still. "He - he has? But how do you know?"
Dark laughter rumbled the earth.
I HELPED. AND I KNOW WHO THE GIRL IS. AGALIA.
The haze on my mind lifted.
YOU MUST COME WITH ME TO RENO SOMEDAY, PROMETHEUS' DAUGHTER. PERHAPS YOU ARE MY LUCKY LADY. COME, MORTAL. I WILL BRING YOU TO YOUR FATHER.
Hermes' temple throbbed. "Well why didn't you just say so in the first place!"
LESS FUN.
"Nyx's children," Hermes spat, "you're all the same. As fun as a barrel of vipers, and half as charming." He stepped out onto the gravelly strand. Thanatos loomed over him. A pair of wings drooped somberly around him.
Death reached out with his gloved hand.
ALLOW ME, LUCKY LADY.
"Umm, thanks," I squeaked. Death, apparently, was a gentleman. He laughed like wind rustling winter trees. Hermes smirked, gliding after me.
"You two make a cute couple," he whispered.
I looked at him like he had potato chips for brains.
Hermes shrugged. "Like I said, stranger things have happened."
After much panting on my part, we finally scaled the cliff. I caught my breath, gazing in horror down at the hellscape before me:
The land was bits of bone. The sky, a dark wine red, was studded with sulfurous purple and shots of blood red stratosphere. My knees grew weak; Thanatos steadied me.
"This place: it's horrible," I whispered.
Thanatos shook his head. He swept me into his arms, then pumped his wings.
"Where are you taking me?" Death abducting me: definitely not okay.
YOUR FATHER.
"Whoa whoa whoa, Thanatos. She's my charge," Hermes said, snatching me away from him. I felt like an oversized football. Hermes was much more comfortable.
FINE. I WILL HOLD HER IN RENO ALL NIGHT.
Oh please no.
We came to a river that belched fire.
THEY ARE HERE.
Thanatos landed, Hermes following. He set me down gently. "You're doing well, Aggie. You really are Titan stock-"
He fell dead silent as we rounded a corner. I froze.