Stupid! Stupid!! Why did you open your goddamn mouth?! Why did you touch her! You... You disgusting piece of shit!
I bite hard into my lips, turning tommy side to look at my aunt, her salt and pepper hair in a rough bun, letting some strands fall over her face as she looks at everywhere that isn't me.
I decide to try again.
Can't give up now, won't give up.
I reach out for her but she jerks at the contact and I retract my hands.
Disgusting.. no one wants you.... You're so disgusting....
My hands wrap around my body, my nails digging into my flesh I can tell that I'm bleeding from the contact but it doesn't hurt....
No.... What hurts, is inside my chest, and it's pounding.... Hard.... That I can't breathe....
Are the walls of the car closing in?
I'm.... I'm not claustrophobic, but I can't breathe...
I begin to let out a guttural sound, slowly slamming my hands on the cars roof, then beginning to go faster...
Air....
I want to breathe....
I need to....
Stay here for talking! You senseless little thing! I hope you die of fear!
Let me out! Let me....
"Vanessa!"
My aunt's hands suddenly drag mine away from the roof and into her laps as I struggle, my body twisting, ready to bend into very horrendous angles because I wouldn't feel it....
My body never feels pain anymore.
The pain, is in my chest, and it's stabbing, oh Lord, I can't breathe....
"Nessie please" My aunt pleads, tears forming in her eyes "Please behave"
See, you're making her cry. Why do you like hurting people, hmmm? Everything that managed to love you, you sick twisted....
I am panting heavily now, trying to suck in huge breaths of air because my nose does not seem to do the work anymore, as she sighs and shakes her head, removing her hands from my body.
Don't!
Don't let me go!
But she does, and I hear myself whimper, because I am a mess, gosh, I feel like a mess.
I stare at my nails that now has caked blood in them and my small hands...
Always so small, but has been bad...
Scrub, I need to scrub you.
Been bad, been bad, scrub....
"Stop it!"
Aunt's voice jerks me as I look at her, she's staring at my hands now, as she sees them reddening with red lines on them "What are you doing?"
Cleaning, I'm cleaning.
But I don't say it, I don't TELL her, because I can't.
Because whatever I say, will be bad, because I can not say a good thing.
Because I am really sick in the head and whatever I say cannot change that.
"I can't keep you" She whispers silently, shaking her head as more tears drop "She threatened to take you to a juvenile home or those places for the crazies and you're.... You're not that bad yet, if you go there.... I don't know and I can't fight her.... Audrey is very powerful Nessie"
I don't want explanations! Take me home! Take me... Take me home....
She seems to purse her lips as she looks up at me and touches my hair "Oh you poor thing"
Normally, I would lean into her hand and smile at her, because she used to say that I had gone through a lot and she would love me no matter what.
But she's giving me away.
So I just push the hands away, and crawl back to my side of the, folding myself and now hitting my head back on the head of the car seat.
She sighs and looks away but I don't mind.
Don't look at me, I'm dirty, who wants dirty? No one, no one ever....
I don't notice when the car goes into a compound and I absolutely don't notice when it parks itself and my aunt's out, until the driver walks to the passenger seat, and opens the door, staring at me like he wanted me to leave.
But I don't want to.
It was a mistake! I didn't mean to touch or hurt her! I thought she felt the same way... Why didn't she feel the same way? Is that bad? Why doesn't she feel it? I felt it! I felt something!
Walk outside the goddamn car Vanessa, get this over with, there's nothing you can do now, you messed up, Aunt Caterina can't take care of you, you're possibly the reason she didn't sleep last night and stayed up crying.
Okay, okay, I'd go.
Shakily, I come out of the car, the driver, I never knew his name, but he regarded me with a sad look, a look I have seen all my life.
Oh pitiful Vanessa.
Did you hear what her Mother did? Tried throwing the girl off the window, you know, but got caught and threw herself off instead.
And I hear she doesn't speak.
She does, she does, but no one has seen her doing it yet.
I was talking two months ago, because I was happy, because I was FINE, but I messed it up.
Sick, you know, I'm very sick.
I walk to my aunt, noticing the people in front of us on the stairs.
At the top of it, is a woman. She has black hair that seems to have been gelled and packed to utmost perfection, her heart face comes out perfectly too, and her small lips look pink and are smiling at me, reassuringly.
And I can hear what they are telling me.
You are safe, do not worry.
On another row of stairs, there is a male, with full curly red hair and glasses, his face stern as he stands straight, like a proper gentleman, with two ropes in his hand, extended to two collars that were on two other males who were sitted on the stairs, legs crossed as one studied me, an excited look in his eyes, and the other, not even looking directly at me, but around me.
They both.... Look alike, with blond hair, and the one that's staring, I can tell he has blue eyes....
There was another one at their side, wearing something similar to a robe that reached the ground, his chest showing, pale and reflecting the sunrays, like it was a mirror as he stared at me, like I was something worthy of amusement, a gold goblet in his hand.
He had white cropped hair and his eyes were sleepy.
The woman spoke first "Hello. It is nice to meet you"
I can tell she's talking to me but my Aunt speaks "This is Ne.... Vanessa, she's um... She has.... Refused to talk again... And I didn't know why she wouldn't.... It scares me...."
"She will"
The lady's voice is soft, yet commanding as if she wants to tell my aunt that I'm safe and its okay.
But it's NEVER okay.
She begins to walk down the stairs, and I am thinking she is coming for my Aunt, but she walks straight to me, smelling of different flavors and I just... Want....
"Breathe, Vanilla"
I want to tell her that's not my name, that it's VANESSA, but I find my mouth opening and swallowing in air as I begin to breathe in and out.
While I'm doing that, she gives me a small smile "Good girl" Then faces my Aunt "Is there something else I need to know?"
"No.... Wait, her birthday is... Her birthday is on... Friday"
"Thank you Miss Donna. That information is very important"
"Can I... Can I visit?"
"Of course, but I like to be informed first"
"Oh... Oh okay"
She doesn't say goodbye, she doesn't touch my hair and tell me I'd be FINE, she just turns and walks back into the car.
I am still staring at the now empty space where the car was once as I hear the other woman's voice say "I think you should come in Vanilla. It is getting rather cold"