I came home to see a familiar-looking vehicle parked right outside of my property.
"What is he doing here again?"
I approached the gate and unlocked it, realizing that it was already unlocked as there was an unannounced visitor inside, and I wondered what he was up to.
"Knock, knock!" I knocked on the door of my own house, receiving a warm hug from another unexpected visitor, Kim Sihyeon.
"Surprise, surprise! I hope you aren't annoyed that we came here without notice." she greeted me with a hug while Yun Oh stood near the living room entrance with his hands crossed.
"Why do you seem so unhappy that I'm here?" he looked away for a moment, Sihyeon was also clueless as to what his problem was, and soon enough...
"I told you that if you need someone, I'll always be here for you." Yun Oh couldn't resist and instantly grabbed me away from Sihyeon for a hug.
"I don't get what's going on right now but I'll give you two a moment." our friend excused herself and headed inside, further into the house within the kitchen.
"Are you two cooking something for dinner?" my face was digging deeper into his neck as his hands drew me closer into a tighter grasp with his chin pressing on my head.
"I know you're hurting still."
Those words had pulled me back into reality, a reality that I could never escape.
"Stop it. Just stop it!"
I tried pushing him away, pulling away from the hug that would never comfort me.
"Catherine, don't hurt yourself any longer. If you just..."
I noticed Sihyeon with her head peeking out in the corner.
"Accept instead of rejecting it." Yun Oh gently held onto my shoulders with both of his hands on each side, slowly making their way to my hands, caressing my wrists.
It stung a lot, the cuts that I inflicted on myself.
"It isn't supposed to hurt anymore." I told him as a lump began to form in my throat again, my voice could barely make a sound as I whimpered from the emotions that suddenly arose again. "Again and again. And again!" I cried, looking at him.
My memories kept on playing on repeat in my mind, memories that I regret asking to return.
"Your memories have come back. How do you-"
My cries grew louder from the urge to cry it all out, I am tired of this!
"Honey Lou, why don't we sit down? You can let it all out..." Sihyeon took me by my elbow and brought me to my room.
"Stay here, where you're most comfortable to show this side of yourself." my crying never stopped that night, my friends... Friends, huh?
I laughed at the thought of it, seeing them both pass by my bedroom for hours.
"Just a little bit more."
"You can come inside if you're not uncomfortable when it comes to drama."
I laid on my back, dropping the pillow I was hugging for so long, and stared at the ceiling with my thoughts and feelings still in a mess.
"Are you ready to talk it out now?" Sihyeon spoke.
I should have been content with what I had.
I shouldn't have asked for more if this would be the ending.
"My memories have returned but at what cost?"
Ivy wanted me to remember and I just wanted to feel complete.
"That isn't your fault, all of this pain that you are going through."
None of this is my fault, I am well aware of that.
Yun Oh kept silent the entire evening as he watched me, my already weak state, drop to its very lowest point of my life.
"Is there anything more that we need to know? Other than you pretending to be happy, pretending to get along with us, and pretending to be okay with everything that is going on..." Sihyeon summarized what I shared with them.
I still had a lot to say, to spill, and to vent out.
'But I must hold back.'
There are specific reasons as to why I am not allowed to completely tell them why I am so afraid and helpless with all my memories regained.
"Feelings shouldn't be bottled up. Sure you can do that but at what cost?"
My peace would be the cost of it.
Yun Oh and his words finally reached my heart, I no longer rejected their offer to listen, to empathize, to understand, and to help me make decisions or rationally do something about the suffering that I am going through.
However, my mind is not easy to forget. "Remember that time we went to an aquarium, Yun?" I asked my black-haired male friend as he rested his head on one of my pillows, feeling utterly comfortable enough to lie on my bed as if it were his.
"Hmm." he replied with his still figure, simply humming as an answer.
"Why did Sihyeon push me off as you watched?"
All I want is for them to give me a reason.
An explanation is all that I want to hear.
I stared at the door while Yun Oh and Sihyeon kneeled in front of me with their hands up, punishing themselves even when I refused and told them that it was unnecessary.
"Will you forgive us?" Sihyeon had her head hung low, her hair covered her face which I didn't even bother mentioning because I have face blindness.
Not a single word left my mouth but my stomach spoke for me.
'I was hungry, starving, famished, but I had no appetite.'
"Why don't we head down and have dinner? We cooked something for you." Sihyeon was trying to evade the topic in question. Yun Oh, on the other hand, remained silent all the more as the time started to fall late in the night.
A simple question can't have a complicated answer, can it? But why is it that...
We have all the time and yet, they aren't telling me.
Just the shallow part of it, that is the least they can give me.
Just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.
I looked out the window and saw the streetlights flashing so brightly, it kept the streets from growing darker and the sky was so clouded that the stars were missing from the view I had of it.
It was somehow a moment of healing for me.
The room was filled with three people, including myself, much like my heart being mostly troubled by love, friends, and most importantly, my personal problems.
'It's only three.'
But those three are not just three. Under those three, there are more components and components have sub-components.
I tried to catch my breath once more before I sniffled with my runny nose.
The mood in the room had this feeling of a fading warmth that comes from what may appear to be a dying fire, a fire from the love I can barely absorb from anyone around me.
It turns cold as the wind from an open exit such as the window, with its breezy air and the quiescence that enters and spreads into my bedroom.
"What a soothing night this is."
I soon fell into slumber upon observing what I could only see clearly, the vague scenery beyond the tainted glass window, as well as the bedroom that looked as blue as the darkest part of the deep sea.
My mind being relinquished from the presence of the other souls within the room, I felt alone but I wasn't alone.
All I could recollect from that night was the grasp of someone carrying me and tucking me under a blanket on the bed.
For the first time in a while, I honestly felt truly cared for.
Truly cherished.
Truly comforted.
And truly loved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
((The next day...)) The light from the sun started filling in my bedroom though the window was shut and the blinds were put down, it seemed that today was a good day to start afresh.
I looked around to find two bodies, breathing so heavily as they slept at the end of my bed while I sat on the side, sitting on my desk chair.
Another week, another book to read. Closing the book that I had in hand, I took a deep breath, inhaling the cold scent of the room's fragrance with my perfume mixed with my male friend's cologne and the unique smell of Sihyeon.
I had only realized that she smelled so different from the rest of us in the circle.
"The smell of butternut which is so sweet to the nose." guessing from the texture of her skin, she uses body lotion that is scented with butternut.
Now that I'm thinking about these details, Yun Oh has a scent that is a lot like lemon. 'More like, his cologne is scented with the smell of lemon itself.' what a surprising thing to know.
We've been friends for months and I have never noticed that.
The door had been left widely open the entire night, the house was starting to light up from the sunlight that is sneaking in through the windows, I got up from my seat and walked on the carpet, and went through the doorway.
Cold was the tiled floor of my house, and for the first time...
"It feels like home."