:: Quinn POV ::
Raziel and Syrath are acting strange. They're not glaring at each other or setting each other on fire, thank heavens. But there's a quiet tension between them that's too obvious for either of them to even attempt or pretend to hide.
Thankfully, my morning spell has temporarily abated. I'm good as new, well, sort of. Of course, both of them insisted I stay in bed for the rest of the day.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they found a common ground and something to agree on. Their silent war was starting to get on my nerves. It's irritating to watch two full-grown dragons engaged in a silent war for three and half hours.
What bothers me about their behavior is they begin to treat me like I'm an invalid. Like I'm someone too fragile to walk the short distance from the bedroom to the living room on my own. Someone has to tell these brothers to stop fussing because it's not like I'm dying, for crying out loud! But because the three of us had varying opinions on the matter, we settled for a compromise.
I am now wasting the afternoon doing nothing but watch two dragons as they waltz around each other, pretending they're getting along. Raziel and Syrath aren't normally like this. I curiously wondered what got their tails on a knot.
"What's going on?" I asked, trying to stop them from pacing and moving around the room. They were making me dizzy, honestly.
"It's nothing, Quinn." Syrath answered as he glared at Raziel while the latter only snorted.
It's interesting to see the two of them silently bicker. Everyone in Saints' Isle knows that nothing and no one could get in between the two of them. I find myself growing more curious as to what could have caused this sudden cold war.
I was about to ask again when Syrath suddenly murmured, "They're here."
Raziel stood up and I felt my heartbeat quicken.
"W-who?" I stuttered, dreading the answer.
Images of what happened the night before flashed through my mind. I shouldn't be here. They're good at keeping me preoccupied. I almost forgot there are people out there aiming for my life and they wouldn't care whom they hurt in order to get me.
Syrath noticed my fear and immediately kneeled in front of me, taking my hands in between his and started to explain. "I forgot to tell you earlier, I'm sorry. Orion and Nuri are coming to help us with the barrier around the house. It's them. You don't have to worry. You're safe here."
Yes, I know I'm safe here, with them. But what about them? Are they safe here with me? They're putting their lives at risk for me. Staying with me, with these people on the loose, is too dangerous.
"I'll go meet them outside. Raziel will stay here with you." I looked at Raziel's unreadable expression before nodding quietly. Syrath smiled and gently touched my cheek. "I'll be back soon." He then turned to go out of the house.
An echoing sound of silence followed Syrath's exit. Raziel stayed where he was, looking at the direction where his brother disappeared. And I silently studied his profile, trying to see through his thoughts. But aside from the slight movement of the muscles in his jaw, as he clenched his teeth, there was nothing of note to help me take a guess.
My heart constricted as I looked away from Raziel. Why can't I leave Saints' Isle? Why are they trying to keep me here? It's obvious that Raziel doesn't want me here, not to mention I'm endangering their lives. Why are they being stubborn about protecting me?
"You really don't want to be left alone with me, do you?" Raziel said tightly. It was so sudden it took me a moment to understand what he was trying to say.
"What?" I asked dumbly.
"You were clinging to Syrath so hard, it's quite obvious. Why didn't you ask him to stay and told me to go instead? If you can't bear my presence, say so, I'd disappear." Raziel fired, turned and started to leave. "I won't be far, I'd be able to hear you if you need help."
Raziel made it to the door before I shot out from the couch and held him back. "What are you talking about?" I asked, my fingers firmly locked on his wrist. I was confused.
Why would he say such things? Why would he think I don't want to be around him when he's the one who rejected me? All I ever wanted was him. I treasure every second I could spend with him. But because he didn't want me, I resolved myself. He's been very clear about his refusal to mate with me and I'm not going to force myself on him, not anymore.
I've done everything I could to bind us together and look what that got me? True, he wasn't fully aware then and the fact remains that I love him, only him. But I know when to quit. And besides, why would Raziel think I don't want to be with him when he's the one who abandoned me?
"I won't be a hindrance if you want to be with my brother." He said coldly as he pried my fingers off his wrist. "Syrath confessed to me. He loves you and I know you…"
I didn't let him finish. I couldn't. My hand snapped up and connected, hard, with his cheek. The sound of the slap echoed in the silent room. I didn't know I had it in me. It was like I was possessed!
Raziel stopped talking, seemingly taken by surprise, and I gasped in horror when I spied the handprint I left on the side of his face.
"I won't apologize." I told him, my voice shaking as I tried hard not to cry. "You have no idea how much those words hurt me. I know you don't want me, Raziel. But how could you be this heartless?"
I wanted to hit him again. My hand was itching for it. I wanted to scream and hit him over and over until he felt at least a small part of the pain I was feeling. How could Raziel even think I'd replace him with his own brother? Am I that pathetic to him?
I do love Syrath. But not in the way Raziel implied. Syrath calms me and he protects me, even from myself. For the past few days Syrath became the source of my strength, my conscience.
I admit there were times, during my darkest moments, when I wished I could love him more. But my heart desires no one but one person. Raziel. Even if it's impossible, even if I hurt myself from loving him, I can't stop and I don't want anyone but him!
For the person I love to push me towards someone else, to his own brother no less, is just… cruel. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I turned to walk away. Raziel grabbed me and pinned me on the nearby wall when I tried to free myself from his grip.
"What would you have me think?" He snapped holding my hands over my head, his forehead touching mine. Raziel had his eyes closed and his voice sounded pained. "You look at him like the sun rises and sets with him! Then you look at me with wariness and fear in your eyes. He touches you and you don't flinch away like you do with me! I have to stalk and force you just so I could be close to you!"
Huh? What the hell is he talking about? Wait… What? Is he jealous of Syrath? But I thought…
"I'm sorry." Raziel breathed out after his sudden display, gently releasing my hands and taking a few steps back. He shook his head like he was fighting an internal battle with himself. His temper flared and ebbed so fast, it took me a moment to register everything he said and did.
"I have no right to complain." He said sadly after a while. "I did this to you, to us. I am very sorry, Quinn."
Our eyes held and for the first time I felt like we could have a future together. I wanted to reach out to him but I was frozen in shock at this new revelation. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to expect anything because if Raziel rejects me again I would not be able to live through it, not for a second time.
But it's there, in his eyes, the same fears, the same longing, the same need that I was feeling. Is he sane? Or is he in another one of his trances? Should I risk it? Could I trust Raziel again when I know he could callously break me anytime he desired?
But before Raziel and I could fill the void in between us, the door opened and revealed Syrath followed by Orion and Nuri.
Seeing the look on our faces, Syrath was beside me in a flash. "What happened?" he asked. I shook my head, still confused. It's not like I don't want to tell him. Everything is a jumbled mess in my head. And at the moment, I'm having problems sorting things out. For now, I want to be alone to think things over.
I looked over at Raziel. He has his emotions tucked in place. His face was, again, a cold mask of indifference. When he looked back at me, something flickered in his eyes. But once he turned to Orion the flicker was gone as if it never existed.
I sighed and rubbed my suddenly aching temples. "I think I'm going to lay down for a while." I told Syrath.
"Of course," he answered. "You know that if you need anything, all you have to do is say it, right?"
I nodded as I forced a smile before heading towards the bedroom. From there I could still hear them discuss the barrier. Turns out, the barrier Raziel wanted would utilize a lot of complicated magic and complex spells. It's no wonder they needed an elder and three fully matured dragons conjure it. The four of them would have to be in sync during the process otherwise, it would create exploitable weak spots and the barrier would not work to its full potential.
Nuri tried to suggest a less complicated barrier. Something easier to conjure and only a step shy to the one they're trying to cast. I winced when Raziel let out an angry roar. A few expletives followed and it took them a while for everyone, well for Raziel, to calm down after. After that no one dared to suggest anything other than reinforcing the barrier that Raziel already decided on.
I could feel the tension of the group all the way to the room. I thought about asking them to take a breather but knowing Raziel's temper, I think such a suggestion would set him off again. I laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling when I heard them go out to start the preparations and draw the initial layout.
Honestly, I never considered the possibility that Raziel might change his mind after rejecting me. A part of me hoped for something like this to happen but I never explored the possibility or truly believed it could happen.
Raziel didn't say anything about wanting me back but he apologized. And from his reaction to my closeness to Syrath, I gathered he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. But that doesn't necessarily mean Raziel wants me for himself. Right? I might be reading too much into things because I want to be him.
I turned and buried my face on the pillow as I screamed in frustration. I punched it a dozen times, for good measure. This is so confusing! Does Raziel want me or does he not want me? Which is it? He needs to tell me directly what he wants. I don't want to assume things and get hurt in the end.
Currently, Raziel is sending me mixed signals and it's driving me crazy! Why can't he talk to me, what's stopping him? Can't he say it to my face instead of going around in circles? He's giving me a hint here and there, but not confirming anything? Why is Raziel Rheinalt so damn complicated?
:: Raziel POV ::
After our 'conversation' Syrath and I came to an impasse. The tension is there because Syrath persists in annoying me. But I'm not entirely certain if my brother wants to compete with me for Quinn, or not.
I finally understood. Syrath loves my mate and Quinn loves him in return. But the kind of love between them is different from the one I share with Quinn, or could share with her. Now that I've passed the point of understanding the connection between them and accepted it as something permanent, I can breathe a little easier. And frankly, I'm relieved that the possibility of accidentally murdering my brother, in a fit of bad temper, is gone.
I don't know how to explain this properly but from the way Syrath's been acting it seems like he's deliberately taunting me to see how far he could go with Quinn before I snap and rip his head off. Annoyingly, the situation between the three of us became an experiment for him. I don't get it, to be honest. He's building up the pressure within me so I'll snap and do what, exactly?
I honestly don't understand what Syrath wants from me. He knows I love Quinn more than my own life. I love her even more than him, my own brother. What does he expect me to do? Does he want me to react every time he touches Quinn or whisper something in her ear and make her laugh? To lose my temper every time he goes near her?
If eliciting a reaction is the only thing that Syrath is aiming for then I'd happily oblige. I'm ready to tear his limbs off, to be brutally honest. But Quinn wouldn't like that, would she? Quinn would be furious if I do anything close to murdering Syrath in her presence.
I sighed tiredly, trying hard not to watch them like a hawk and work out what Syrath is plotting.
"What's going on?" Quinn asked curiously.
"It's nothing, Quinn." Syrath answered in that overly gentle tone that grates on my nerves. He glared at me when I snorted and resisted the sudden urge to make his nose bleed.
Quinn's been looking at Syrath like she worshiped the ground he walks on. If Quinn knew what my saint of a brother is capable of, maybe she'd stop focusing on him and start looking my way or at least think of me again.
Syrath shot me another dirty look and I glared irritably back. He's been acting like this is a game and it's pissing me off! He hasn't told me what's wrong with Quinn and has been doing his best to divert my attention from that topic. So far, he hasn't been successful and the option of beating it out of him is still open. But now, he developed another way to torture me.
"They're here," Syrath said as he stood up.
I felt them the same moment he did. I unconsciously moved when I noticed Quinn's suddenly pale face.
"W-who?" Quinn stuttered and I inwardly cursed.
We forgot to tell her about Orion and Nuri's visit. From the look on Quinn's face I bet she remembered the threat from last night that we've been trying, very hard, to divert her attention from. She's worried that she's putting us in danger by staying with us. It's a very wrong and stupid assumption, of course. I wanted to comfort her but Syrath beat me to it. Damn he moves fast!
Syrath knelt in front of Quinn and took her hands in his, again. I clenched and unclenched my fists, keeping myself from pouncing on them. Watching their figures as they leaned towards each other, I felt my breath hitch. My heart silently broke at the realization that I can't give Quinn what Syrath easily could, comfort.
"I forgot to tell you earlier, I'm sorry. Orion and Nuri are coming to help us with the barrier around the house." Syrath explained. "It's them. You don't have to worry. You're safe here. I'll go meet them outside. Raziel will stay here with you.
I tensed when Quinn looked my way. She didn't want to be alone with me. I can sense that. Quinn wanted Syrath to stay and for me to go. But of course she wouldn't say it out loud because that's just how Quinn is. Even now she wouldn't deliberately hurt me. I might have a huge ego but I know it's not in her to hurt me even after everything that I've put her through.
"I'll be back soon." Syrath said gently before turning to go out of the house.
The silence was deafening. I stood frozen on the spot as I watched my brother leave. Even after he was out of sight, I could still feel his presence echoing between me and Quinn. It hurts…
"You really don't want to be left alone with me, do you?" I stated. It wasn't a question. Why couldn't Quinn say what she wants? Is she afraid of me? If she wanted me to leave she could have just said so. Leaving her with my brother would have hurt less than watching Quin stare longingly at his back! Damn it!
"What?" She asked, seemingly confused.
"You were clinging to Syrath so hard, it's quite obvious. Why didn't you ask him to stay and told me to go instead? If you can't bear my presence, say so, I'd disappear." With that, I turned to leave. "I won't be far, I'd be able to hear you if you need help."
I made it to the door before I felt her trembling hands locked on my wrist "What are you talking about?"
I tried not to snap but really? She wants to play this 'pretend' game? It's not like I don't have eyes. I have no right to complain. I did this. It's my fault. But knowing doesn't take away the pain of seeing them together. Understanding doesn't lessen the torture of having to endure and stand by as I watch my brother comfort my mate.
I should be the one holding her. I should be the one to tell Quinn it's going to be alright. I should be the one to love her, the one whom she should love back. But I ruined all of my chances, didn't I? All because I couldn't deal. Every action has a consequence and now I have to pay for mine.
Regardless of how I feel there's nothing I could do. I can't go back and change the past. Quinn is going to leave me and I would have to let her go. Now I know how Quinn felt during those times I came to her under a trance. When she knew I would eventually leave her.
"I won't be a hindrance if you want to be with my brother." I said, staring back at Quinn. I slowly pried off her fingers from my wrist. Even this slight touch reminds me, sadistically, of what I will never have. I looked at her face wanting to commit every line and curve to memory. I love everything about Quinn. She's not only physically beautiful but her heart is pure gold as well. "Syrath confessed to me. He loves you and I know you…"
Quinn slapped me before I could finish what I was going to say. I didn't see it coming but I could feel the sting on my cheek. Her stunned look mirrored mine. I didn't think she had it in her. But instead of feeling disappointed, I felt oddly relieved.
"I won't apologize!" Quinn declared in a fragile, shaky voice. "You have no idea how much those words hurt me. I know you don't want me, Raziel. But how could you be this heartless?"
Quinn was trying hard to keep her tears at bay and I wanted to burn something. I'm hurting her again! Why can't I do anything right when it involves Quinn? Just once, once for crying out loud! I want to have a conversation with Quinn that doesn't end in tears. For her to look at me without pain, without fear. Why do I always end up hurting her?
A lone tear escaped her eyes. It touched her pale cheek and died on her lips. Quinn purposely turned to walk away. But I didn't let her. I couldn't. I grabbed her to me, silently willing her not to reject my touch. But Quinn lashed out. I had no choice but to pin her on the nearby wall to keep her from hurting herself.
"What would you have me think?" I held Quinn's hands over her head and touched my forehead to hers. "You look at him like the sun rises and sets with him! Then you look at me with wariness and fear in your eyes. He touches you and you don't flinch away like you do with me! I have to stalk and force you just so I could be close to you!"
I've never been desperate in my life. Only now, when it involves Quinn, did I finally understand the meaning of desperation. I feel like I'm holding onto strings that could break at any moment. Whether I tug it close or let it loose makes no difference. It doesn't matter what I do because the outcome would be the same. I fucked up and I fucked up big time!
"I'm sorry," I sighed in resignation, releasing her hands and putting some space between us. I shook my head to ward off the stupid thoughts worming themselves into my brain. Holding her close and feeling her body next to mine awakened something inside me, something I'm not allowed to feel ever again. "I have no right to complain. I did this to you, to us. I am very sorry, Quinn." No matter how many times I apologize it wouldn't be enough. But I still have to try.
Quinn's reddened eyes met mine and I could only hope that she could see the promise of love I would never be able to confess. Quinn froze when she realized the meaning of what I just said and saw the truth of it in my eyes. I knew she wanted to touch me but at the moment, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
Quinn is afraid. No, saying that she's afraid would be wrong and undermining. The correct phrase would be, 'She's terrified'. Quinn is terrified that I would hurt her again. I can't blame her. There's no guarantee that I won't hurt her. There's no guarantee that I could make her happy. From the moment we met, all I ever did was cause her pain and suffering. Quinn won't take a chance on someone like me, not this time.
In the end, I was right and what I feared came true. No matter how much Quinn loved me it's not enough for her to forgive me.