If I knew it was going to hurt this much, I wish I never laid my eyes on him.
I see Noah's nostrils flare, and his eyes go a deeper shade of red than his usual blue-grey. All he needs are fangs to complete the look and bite my head off my neck.
I've never seen him this angered, and I've never cried so much that my throat feels sore.
"You let him go to jail for something he didn't do—" He trails off, and a weird strangled sound comes from the back of his throat. "Do you have the slightest idea how much guilt I felt when I thought my brother went to jail because of me? All the months of being a family pariah..." He pauses, as if trying to get his emotions back in check.
My hands are shaking as they try to pull the hairs out of my head. It feels like I'm drowning underwater, with air being knocked out of my aching lungs.
"I always wondered what happened that day, but he'd never tell me the full story."
"I... I was scared—" I finally find my voice. "I was naive..."
I shriek with fear when he picks up Lacey's glass box of jewelry and throws it against the wall above my head in a loud smash. "You were a coward! A bloody coward!"
I don't know what gives me goosebumps. Either from the sound of his screams, or the shock from when he smashes the glass on the wall. He wasn't joking when he said something about temper issues.
"You took him away from me! It's all your fault!" He's still yelling when I slowly stand up from the floor, reaching out to his face.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
But he pulls away, rejecting any form of physical contact and the apologies that keeps flying out my lips. "Stay the fuck away from me," he says, and another tear escapes my eyes.
I oblige, dropping my arms weakly by my side and stepping away from him. He's wearing on an expression more intense than his usual frown, and my eyes have to be exceedingly puffy by now. His own eyes turn from red to red and glossy with unshed tears.
"I can't hate you, and I can't like you because it's ruining my life," he says with the most heart-wrenching look on his face. "I just... I need to nothing you. I need to feel nothing for you. I need to stop thinking about you, I need to stop caring about you at all. But I don't even know how to do that."
His eyes blink shut and he swallows what looks like a lump in his throat when his Adam's apple bobs up and down. My tired eyes follows as he looks over his shoulders before opening the door to leave. "I wish I never met you."
I know he'd been thinking that since this evening, but hearing it aloud makes something inside me shut down. I reach out for him again and this time, wrap my arms around his waists to stop him from leaving, burying my face in the warmth of his back and holding him tight.
"I'm sorry," more sobs leave my mouth. "I'm sorry."
He wastes no time to unhook my arms around him, proceeding to exit the room and slamming the door on my face.
I wish I could fall asleep to get away from the pain, but the voices in my head won't shut up and I feel like I'm going crazy.
The huge tidal wave of frustration, pain, agony, makes me let out a scream in an attempt to block out the voices.
You were a coward! A bloody coward!
I don't stop screaming, letting out the frustration and anger on my desk and knocking everything to the ground.
It's all your fault!
More tears stream down my face as I pounce on Lacey's makeup table, flipping all the makeup upside down.
I would've done the same for my brother. Go!
I shouldn't have left. I shot someone two years ago, and let Noah's brother take the blame. Out of everyone in that stupid city, why did it have to be him? Maybe it would've hurt less.
I wish I could turn back the hands of time, I wish I took responsibility for what I did. And somehow, I wish I was the one in jail instead of Noah's brother. All these wouldn't have happened. But the sad truth is that I wouldn't have met Noah, which is something I never want to take away.
I wasn't looking for anything when I met him. Actually, I wasn't planning on falling for anyone other than Cory so soon. But then I met him, and that was it... I guess things just happened. I found him, and I found myself slowly wanting to spend time with him. It was simple. It was easy. And I think that's the best feeling. You're not looking for anything and then suddenly you realize; you have something.
But I don't anymore, not when he made it clear my mere touch irritates him.
Coming on this vacation was me running away from the bad decisions I've made in life. I'm not proud of it. I fucked up big time, and the scar it left is permanent.
When I was with Clarke, I was young, I was stupid, I was infatuated. I should've listened to Simone, but I didn't. That's why I'm scared for Mabel. I don't think I can watch her feel the same pain I did, dating an older person while in high school.
It feels so bizarre. Watching your kid sister make the same mistake you did.
I don't know how long I scream and cry, but eventually, I push myself away from the mess of the room I made and walk over to the shattered glass on the floor from Lacey's jewelry box that was smashed against the wall.
I should've said something other than 'I'm sorry'. Sorry wouldn't change the fact what happened two years ago took place. Neither would it get his brother out of prison.
There has always been a girl behind the mask that I hide, a girl who haunts me, terrifies me. A girl who has too many insecurities, who taunts herself so much to a point that she claims she isn't worthy of being alive, that she is brought into this world for only one purpose which is to die. A girl who considers herself a disappointment. She's lost and confused in a world which has done nothing but damage her in every possible way.
She's hurting and her heart is constantly aching, she thinks she's going to explode, or even lash out considering how much has been bottled up, and she knows she needs the balloon of emotional pain pop, to let it leak and empty the hurt and exhaustion out.
The thoughts running through my head at the moment is the only way I can ease away the pain. No more voices, no more suffering, no more pain.
I just feel the need to end it all.
It's so hard to talk when all you want to do is end your life. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint- it's a physical thing. Like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do. They come out in chunks as if from a crushed ice-dispenser, you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.
And that's what I do.
Silently, I pick up a piece of glass with tears falling down my face, dragging it slowly but deeply across the veins on my wrists as red liquid seeps out my skin. It doesn't sting as much as the pain in my chest area. It's nothing compared.
I continue to damage myself, bit by bit, so much that there's nothing left, given up, blood drips from my wrists, glass scattered on the floor and my almost lifeless body lying down next to the glass I used on my skin which caused death to a soul who couldn't take no more, who at last gave up after fighting in long extreme torment.
I spend a lot of time laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling as my vision begins to waver, my eyelids dropping lazily.
In these moments before my departure, I feel more clarity than I have ever felt in my life. In one minute, I will be free from the voices, and the pain.
For now, I'm going to put myself to sleep for a long time...
Call it eternity.