When I was a kid, I was the class clown.
Whenever I shouted and did something stupid, everyone paid attention to me.
I liked being the center of attention.
Plus, the girl I liked would laugh at me. It made me happy.
One day, I was joking around with my childhood friend, Shizuka Miyazaki, when I knocked her over.
Shizuka scraped her kneecap and it started to bleed while she was crying.
I was so upset that I called out Shizuka's name over and over again.
I could feel the air around me growing grim.
"Why didn't you apologize right away?"
"Worst of all...I just saw you push her!"
"I'll avenge you, Shizuka!"
I believe I apologized over and over again. I quickly remembered that I had an adhesive bandage in my bag, and I went to get it.
"Don't you dare run away! Apologize!"
"Yes, apologize to Shizuka-chan!"
"... Shizuka-chan, let's go to the infirmary."
I was attacked by intense hostility. I wanted to scream that it wasn't true. I just went back to get a bandage. And we were just fooling around. Why did I get into this mess?
I know now. Excessive sense of justice burns people up.
"That guy hit Shizuka-chan."
"He ripped up my notebook."
"He called me ugly."
"He threw a rock at me."
It's true that I pushed Shizuka, but I didn't do anything other then that. No one would believe me if I denied it. –That's how I changed my position.
Soon, the rumor of me spread throughout the school.
I had made Shizuka-chan cry, and I had become the villain of not only the class, but the whole school.
Students from other classes would come to watch me. They point their fingers at me and laugh at me.
Shizuka-chan's gaze was also cold. Maybe she thought I was violent, too. I guess she hates me now. My first love was over.
And I was called a terrible liar and a violent man who made a girl cry.
I felt like I was going insane.
No one would believe me. I don't want to believe it.
Shizuka-chan doesn't say anything to me.
Rumors are recognized as real.
It wasn't just the school that was affected.
My family was a remarried family. My parents, who were very strict, were very angry with me. They told me that I should never hurt a girl.
They lectured me about such obvious things in a halting manner.
I couldn't argue with them. I suppressed what I wanted to say in my mind.
They wouldn't believe me anyway. They didn't trust me at all.
My father and step-mother loved my step-sister and took good care of her. That was fine with me.
I was always told, "You're her big brother, you have to put up with her."
Even though we were in the same grade, I was only born a few months earlier than her....
I guess I was getting off on that reaction at school.
My sister told my parents about the incident I had at school. And it's all exaggerated—-
From that moment on, home was no longer a place where I felt at ease.
–If they don't believe me, don't act in a way that will be misunderstood. Just don't talk.
This is how my foundation was formed.
But I was still weak, I reminded myself.
I spent my junior high school years quietly.
I spent all my time by myself. There were one or two loners in my class. I didn't stand out that much.
Reading books in the library was my daily routine.
I was always happy to be sitting in the same seat as other students, because I felt like I belonged there.
There was always a female classmate in the library. Saito-san, who looked good in glasses.
I hadn't planned to talk to her, but when she left her seat, she left her phone on my desk.
I was conflicted. I don't want to be misunderstood again. But ....
I hadn't talked to anyone for a long time at this point. Even though I was trying to be strong, I guess I was lonely inside.
I grabbed her phone and chased after Saito-san.
As a result, Saito-san looked relieved, saying, "T-thank you ..., I'm saved." I also smiled in relief.
After that, I started to talk to Saito-san more and more.
I remember being so happy. I had finally made a friend. I thought I had found a friend. I had lost my mind. I forgot about the past.
My heart was weak. I forgot people's bad intentions. I was drowning in the peace of life.
I didn't want to remember anymore.
It hurts to trust people.
One day, there was a rumor that I was a criminal who had tried to attack Saito-san.
It's always like this. Whenever I trust people and become friends with them, something happens that almost destroys my heart.
It's not just about Shizuka-chan, Saito-san, and my sister-in-law Haruka. There are many more ....
I hated myself for trying to believe in people even when there were incidents that almost broke my heart.
I hated myself for being weak even when I tried to be strong.
As I kept doing that, someday I – I didn't feel anything.
"Ma-Ma, h-have a safe trip. I hope you get used to your new class." [TL: His name is Makoto]
"Yes, I'll be going."
As a high school student, I was perceived as a foreign object to my family. So I acted like a serious student so as not to be an unnecessary burden.
"W-wait Onii-chan! Haruka said she's going with you! Hehe, we're in the same high school!"
"I'm sorry. I have something to do, so I'll go first."
"Oh, ...U-un...."
No one cares about what we did when we were kids. It's forgotten. –Except for the people involved.
After the decision was made to enter high school, my sister-in-law started messing around with me all the time.
For some reason, my parents started to pay attention to me.
I'm not going to make mistakes anymore. I will never trust anyone again.
If I build a wall around my heart, I can live in peace.
In my first year of high school, I became what they call a " gloomy " person who doesn't associate with anyone.
For a while after I entered the school, I was at peace.
I was living a peaceful life as a shady character.
"Ma-Makoto ...I like you, .... Please go out with me!"
The frequent false confessions like this are no problem as long as they are played safe.
"I'm sorry. I can't go out with anyone because of my family situation."
When I was in junior high school, I was so excited and happy that I got hurt.
I will never make that mistake again.
I didn't want to be called out when no one was around. So I asked my homeroom teacher to watch me in secret, so that she could handle any trouble that might arise.
Even if I happily accepted her confession and went out with her for a few days, it would be me who would suffer.
Small wound becomes bigger. I will not get carried away again.
The schoolgirl ran off half-crying.
"'Phew ..., I managed to get through it. Thank you, teacher. Thank you for your help."
The teacher who had been hiding in the shadows came out, letting out a sigh.
"Why don't you trust people at all? You'll never make friends like that."
"No, thank you. Thank you very much for your time. If you'll excuse me—"
"Oi, wait a minute! Hear me out—-."
It's not that I don't trust the Sensei. But there is no one else I can ask. This is to avoid mistakes. If there is an eyewitness, the wound will be less severe.
I bowed deeply to the teacher and headed for the elevator.
I didn't just confess to lying.
I had Shizuka Miyazaki, Miyu Saito, and my sister-in-law who were my childhood friends at this school.
I never want to get involved with them again.
It was just as I was thinking that. I had just changed into my loafers.
I heard a familiar voice.
"Ooi Makoto! Hey, let's go home together! Hehe, it's nice once in a while!"
Shizuka Miyazaki, who was talking to me with an unconcerned face, annoyed me.
I'm sure she didn't talk to me until I graduated from junior high school.
So why are you–now–talking to me?
Miyazaki kept talking as if she didn't care about the past.
I decided to go home without worrying about it.
Miyazaki followed me.
It was a residential area with few students. Miyazaki and I lived close to each other.
I was in front of my house. I can't wait to go inside..
"I mean, you're getting kind of gloomy? You don't have any friends, so it can't be helped.... If you don't have any friends, then I can be your friend, okay?"
Miyazaki, who didn't want to leave, said that.
My heart almost stops beating.
In my head, I understand. This is a difference in perception.
The school life I was seeing and the school life Miyazaki was seeing were two different things.
"A lot happened, but you shouldn't worry about it! I-I thought I was violated at that time. ..., there were many bad rumors about Makoto, but I don't believe them! Hehe, because I believe in you!"
I believe in you. It's like a curse word.
Why now?
If it had been me in the past, I would have been screaming here. –Why didn't you help me then!? You didn't clear up the misunderstanding!
But now, I understand. It was all my fault. So I can't blame others. I can't.
"Hey, don't be so quiet, say something stupid like you used to. Fufu, I miss the old days….."
There was no malice in her words. But I know. Malice can develop from the slightest thing. I muttered to myself.
"Why– now?"
"Yeah? Oh, you're mad because I didn't talk to you for a long time? Haha, because ... I was too nervous to talk.... We were in different classes. I mean, I'm sorry about that time .... I was ... so scared. But when I got to high school, I decided to change! I got the courage Makoto and ..."
Shizuka Miyazaki looked at me with serious eyes.
"I've always ... been in love with you, and I've always loved you."
I see.... So this is that, too–
You're trying to spread the wound when you've forgotten about it.
My heart doesn't hurt anymore.
"....I'm sorry. Please don't lie to me. I don't want you to have anything to do with me anymore."
"Y-you're lying.... Stop joking around…because, Makoto you did like me.... Hey, don't say anything weird.... I've been thinking about you for a long time."
"I'm sorry, it was my fault. So please stop now."
"What are you talking about? I-I believe in you—"
Believe in me?
My heart had gone cold. No emotion came to mind.
I just say a few words.
"—I'm really sorry. –It's too late for me to say I trust you now."
"Yeah..., Ma-ko...? W-wait, I—-"
I closed the door of my house as if to close my mind
~To be continued~