The hulking barbarian was not impressed with my attitude. I was not impressed with his smell. We came to a compromise. He could come into the cave with the fees waived if he washed that god-awful reek off in the river a mile away.
His name was Bartur. Bartur the Barbarian. A melee combat. He was loud, gruff and fairly stupid. But he brought a bit of life to my dungeon. At 6'5, all grisly muscle and fat, he was garbed in tanned leather, and carried a ridiculously oversized axe. He was hunting a local group of goblins in the woods, and decided to visit the "wee babe dungeon" his friend Gareth told him about.
I hated being called that. The only problem was, I didn't have enough biomass or space to truly call myself a proper dungeon. I barely had two rooms, and my dungeon defenses were a rock falling on someone's head and 9 field mice.
Maybe he had a point.
So I made him a deal. It wasn't hard to trick him, considering barbarian classes focus on brawns, not brains.
"Sleep here while you hunt. I'll wake you if any goblins approach the cave. But I need you to lure some of them into my cave, and kill them here. Deal?"
"A smart lad, ye are. Safe nights sleep, but then I hafta smell the blighters after they fall."
"I'll deal with the smell. You get me the biomass and energy, then maybe I can offer you something more than a small cave with limited access. Hell, you can't even fit into the second room until I expand the roof of the passageway yet."
"Ye have yerself a deal, laddie."
-
Where was that hulking brute? It's been three days! Three! Don't tell me he was so idiotic he forgot me when he left?
Wait. Maybe the goblins killed him. That'd be no good. Compared to him, a goblin was basically Einstein.
Wait, who's Einstein? Was he one of the friends I had when I was alive? Focus, Orion, focus.
Just have to wait.
-
I didn't wait long. Shortly before sunset after the third day of waiting, Bartur came running into my cave. He smashed into the wardrobe actually. Full tilt. Apparently, he used an ability called charge. Handy. The wardrobe I spent hours detailing small vinework around shattered into 39 different pieces.
Bartur was fine though. Prick.
Immediately after destroying my furniture, he drew that massive slab he called an axe and started swinging.
"There goes the china," I sighed.
Wait. He didn't just destroy my table and crockery. He brained a goblin. Several goblins. Who rushed in and didn't look up.
Have you ever seen what happens when two 1 meter wide by 30cm thick hunk of granite swing into each other with a group of small humanoids in between them? It's not pretty. I even designed the rock to seal the cave and trap whoever made it past inside.
Which were two goblins, both frantically pounding on the now blocked exit where at least 6 more of their friends attempted to push the rock open.
Bartur, with a smile so dark it made my orb shudder, turned to the two trapped goblins.
"Hello laddies," his eyes sparkled in the bioluminescence. "Wan' ta play a game?"
The goblins outside the cave began fleeing the instant they heard their companions screams from inside. Bartur may be dumb as a stump, but man, he is good with his axe. He seemed to especially enjoy how the body parts disappeared when the goblins died, and no blood remained on his leather outfit.
He was so happy killing the goblins, he managed to lose control and destroy the bed as well. Sweet guy. Wish he'd never leave.
-
"How long afore the bed comes back, laddy boy?"
"By my timer? 23 hours, 37 minutes and 16 seconds. One minute shorter than the last time you asked."
I enjoyed the energy boost and the biomass gain. But this guy totalled the room. There was not one piece of furniture left after his impromptu entry and goblin slaying.
"And you cannae make a new one?"
"No Bartur. I do not have the materials to spare, and sleeping on the floor seems like a fitting punishment for, oh I dunno, BREAKING MY GOD DAMN CAVE?!?!?!"
"Now, I dinnae break the cave, just some o' ta furnit-"
"I swear to the God of Creation, Barture, if you finish that sentence I'm dropping my rock trap on you."
"..."
"..."
"Have ya anytin to eat?"
"MmmmRrdfkshfAAAAAHHHhhhh."
"..."
"..."
"Ya coulda jus said no..."