You know sometimes I wonder what it is like to have a normal mother who doesn't call me a whore every time, I just really wonder what it is like to have a normal mother who doesn't make me wanna kill people who doesn't fuck with my head, who will laugh with me and talk about boys and life like every normal mother and daughter would, who doesn't insult and humiliate me in front of family and friends who doesn't blame me for the slightest shit who doesn't remind me how much she truly hates me, who doesn't force me to dress up in uncomfortable clothes who doesn't remind that I was just a mistake who doesn't threaten to throw me out for the slightest slip up who doesn't remind me of how lonely I really am in this cruel world who doesn't think I have an ulterior motive behind everything who doesn't call me a fat slob and when I loose weight I'm a psycho girl who loves attention.
Sometimes I really wonder what it is like to have a normal life and do not have to put up a facade every single time pretending to be a perfect, submissive little girl she trained me to be, when in reality nobody fucking trained me everything I'm today it all thanks to me because I trained myself, I stand to defend myself when the need arise even though I know I'll get my ass beat after that but I'm fucking grateful. I wonder what it is like to live outside the chaos I call my life, maybe this is the way universe want to tell me that I'm strong that I'll be successful that I should hold on a little longer but I'm sick and tired of people comparing me to my cousins when in reality they all are bunch of rich, stuck up bitches rude and arrogant, who points out everyone's mistake when their lives aren't any better.
Sometimes I wonder how I'd be if I didn't have to put up with this shit maybe I'll be a UFC fighter or a wrestler like I had always dream or maybe just maybe I'd be in a spy academy like the alternative I wished for but I'm not so lucky to do all that but it's totally fine I'll be fine I know I'll be it's just a matter of time.
Unlike most people would say I'm actually not a whore in fact I'm not as pure as a new born but I'm definitely not a whore believe me when I say that,It's my mind that's fucked up maybe I need help but hell I'd I get help living in a house full of mad people who doesn't do anything but judge and question my character why? Because my father doesn't give a rat's ass about me and my mother isn't any better I really don't have any friends they are all acquaintances none of them know how fucked up my life really is all they see is that happy crazy little girl well news flash I'm far from happy but unlike most people too I don't get sad I seldom cry instead I get angry I see red that's why I work out painfully that's my way of reducing stress and tension honestly it feels good for the past three years but now? Now it's taking a toll on my body I'd admit but there's no way in hell I'd tell my mother I'm feeling somehow her reply would be as always maybe your useless family recessive gene is dominant in you look girl if you're sick go take drugs or better still tell your worthless piece of shit you call father, useless people.
Sometimes I just wanna end it all by running away yeah I know y'all would think maybe I'm suicidal but honestly I'm not because I know for a fact that I have a purpose in life I just can't pinpoint excatly what it is but sooner or later I'd find out it's just a matter of time. In all seriousness though I wish I could just leave this hell and move faraway where no one knows who I am where I'll not be scared when people show me affection and love where I wouldn't have to wake up like a thunderbolt on hearing the slightest sound where I'd not have to worry about crazy step uncles taking advantage me I guess that's just it. But before all that I pray to God that he fulfills my wishes for my eighteenth birthday. Amen.