Leaf Hill

"Don't save me if you really don't want to!" 

If there was a gun here, I would never hesitate, I would pick it up, put the tip of the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. 

I never thought my future would get any better. "After the rain, the sun will shine" is correct about the weather. As for human life, that statement is a blatant lie.

I was born into a family full of hatred, everyone hates me, I was born a big mistake. And I thought that if I died, it would be my act of correction.

It was a rainy day in Saigon, yes, I was in Vietnam.

I get up a bit late, for many people, six in the morning is still early. But for me, getting up at six o'clock made me almost receive the death sentence.

I jumped up out of bed as soon as I opened my eyes. As I descend the stairs, I slapped my face and smoothed my hair. 

Downstairs, I see my brother, actually he is just the step-son of the stepmother. And when I saw it holding the vacuum cleaner, I knew I was in big trouble.

He is not used to having to do housework, his mother is not used to him having to do housework. My head was burning hot, it saw me and said:

"Wow, early morning role model, You're fucking gone, Chan!"

I don't answer, I look out into the big chair and see my dad watching football scores or something on a TV that's networked like a computer. And stepmother is surfing Facebook on her phone.

I went to the kitchen, I had to wash all the dishes piled up on the sink. The pile was full of leftovers and dirty paper. Nausea looking.

As I was trying to pry the food off the bowl, an ashtray hit me hard on the head. I was stunned and fall, my hands covered in soapy water, fumbling in the air.

"Oh so hard-working, huh?"

It's him again, asshole, I feel my scalp ache, I hate him, I swear I'll get my revenge on him one day.

I still have to pretend to be stunned to wait for it to go away. And when it was gone, it didn't forget to look back at me with a look of disdain.

I keep washing all the dishes, for my life, Lord.

When I was done, I was rewarded with a long stream of insults and insults from the demon in disguise, whom I had been forced to call my father since birth. And the fucking stepmother added to make me even more offended. 

At the climax, I know it, I closed my eyes and received a full slap from the jeans from the fucking guy, whom I have to call dad, again. 

After falling, the stepmother slut pressed her dirty foam shoes on my face, pressing hard on the cold ground that hurt me. I did not dare to struggle, because if I struggled, I would only receive an end more terrifying than death.

"You're a girl, why do you sleep late and get up so late. Are you trying to avoid housework?" She screamed into my ear, and I strained to try to ease the terrifying impact on my eardrums.

I could not speak, and she continued:

"You can't hide forever, now go wash and dry clothes, then cook!"

She had a voice that was extremely shrill, sour, and disgusting. Her shoe left my face, but I received another kick to the back of the head.

I was in pain, dizzy, but still had to get up. They looked at me with disgust, a bunch of damns. I try to put all my energy into going to work.

I should have washed all clothes in the washing machine, but they made me wash it by hand. And their clothes piled higher than my head. I had to wash the whole thing quickly, the barbarians would beat me up if I didn't do it quickly.

After washing those clothes, my hands ache and tired, I felt like the bones in my wrists had broken, and I need to dry those clothes quickly.

I quickly dry the clothes, but then I stopped. I felt a shiver run through my body. Not only that, but I had a tingling sensation in the skin of my face, as if hundreds of ants were crawling up my face, and they were biting each other on the skin of my face.

And when they bite each other, they will bite the skin of my face. I slapped my hand on my cheek as a sharp pain shot up. I went to the bathroom, splashed cold water on my face, and hoped that the feeling would go away.

And at that moment, a very barbaric and wheezing voice of my father rang out:

"You dog, do you hurry up or make me smash your face? Hurry up!"

Another nasty feeling, like a punch in the middle of my stomach. I bent over and went out to continue drying clothes. And he continued to offence me.

I was so used to things like this, they didn't surprise me at all, and I kept putting on a stiff face to stay alive.

Every day, I can't eat breakfast, I can't brush my teeth or at least splash water on my face after I get up from bed. 

They were always shouting my name, "Chan!", "Chan!", "You dog!". I am called a dog, I am no different from a watchdog and a lowly servant.

I only have one pleasure, that is every night, when they are all asleep. Furthermore, I sat upright on the bed, close my eyes, and began to picture wonderful movies in my head. I imagined a peaceful life, a life where I, who had always had bad luck, would no longer have bad luck. Only me, only me.

The brief peaceful life of that moment merged into my mind. Until I completely fell asleep. 

If both yearn and do not long for a good future. I hope because if I still have the honour of receiving a little of God's love, my life will be better in the future. And I don't expect to have a good future, because I don't have much confidence in this world any more. I love God, but He doesn't necessarily love me.

He doesn't really love me, He blesses everyone, He gives peace to all sentient beings. 

But You, Lord. You have abandoned me, you have not given me a single blessing.

What makes me still love You, Lord?

///

Started off a very boring day. I continued to turn into a servant, and was beaten for no reason. They didn't give me any good reason to explain why they hit me.

They kept seeing me, getting itchy eyes and hitting me. Likewise, they hit me in the head, in my face. Not only that, but they kicked me in the stomach, causing me to fall and lie on my knees on the floor because of the pain.

They curse at me, they say I'm not as good as a dog. They demanded to take pictures of me dying to post online, making me the target of attacks by the online community.

But luckily they have to keep their honour, they don't post my picture. They kept their honour, and told my story to outsiders.

In Vietnam, there is a tradition at the beginning of the year called Tet. Tet is celebrated in February, and on those days, children are given money by adults, which is called Li Xi.

And I am no exception, but only a little. I received Li Xi money from some relatives. And on Tet, I was lucky enough to have them go out with me. And that makes me a little happy.

I just want to get out, I just want to get out of that house full of yin.

These days, I find them friendly and gentle. They try to please others by being nice to me. And I understand one thing, I can never keep that amount. 

And a few years later, when my body became stiff from receiving many beatings. I really don't know, they hit me so much that my body became very stiff. 

I also do push-ups, I try to get rid of the resentment in my heart by punching the air and forcing my body to fall apart from the harsh push-ups.

I really find the masks they wear disgusting. But that's not okay, I forget that I too am wearing an invisible, thick and toxic mask.