Hydrangea watched the view outside the wide window. The rain had long since ceased and the smooth horizon calmed her thoughts somewhat. They still threatened to engulf her every few seconds when her lids grew heavy and slumber threatened to take her.
She couldn't sleep. She wouldn't sleep.
She rested her head on Bastian's shoulder. How did he sleep so easily? Her thoughts returned to a far off time, when it had only been her, Bastian and Brigitte. And the horses.
Her memories wound their way through their journeys, but she stopped them when Brigitte left their group. A sadness had been growing in her chest and she searched for the reason.
She had changed so much, she'd lost so much of herself, and what had she gained? Self-pity and the brand of a murderer? Her lip trembled when she thought of how much she had hated Bastian. How she'd sworn she would never warm his bed.
She felt so lost. Had she ever felt this lost before meeting him? She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his torso, hugging him as much as she could manage.
She cursed her tears. She never used to be one to cry so often.
He stirred and she turned her face away from him. He must think her so weak and pathetic.
"Hydrangea?"
She closed her eyes. She couldn't do this. She would fall apart into a blubbering, sobbing mess. She focused on her breathing and spoke into the sheets, "I'm not as strong as I used to be."
It was all her thoughts could manage. She just… she wasn't strong anymore. She couldn't handle these storms she'd vowed to weather with him. She wasn't strong enough.
She was met with a silence that made her heart squeeze painfully. He must agree with her. Her lips began trembling again and she did her best to fight them but her body betrayed her and began trembling.
His arms drew her to him right away and she was reminded of how naked they both were. She clung to him, savouring the warmth and safety she found in being so close to him.
He stroked her back and her tears eventually ran out.
"Hydrangea. You are the strongest woman I've ever met." She began to object but he stopped her, "Hydrangea, what do you think strength is?"
She rolled her forehead against his chest, "I don't know. Speaking up and overpowering others?" She said, unsure.
He hummed and she felt it rumble in his chest, "Strength comes in many different forms. There's physical strength, emotional strength, mental strength and—my mother would be upset if I didn't add this—" He muttered and her lips raised into a slight smile. "Spiritual strength." He finished.
"Physical strength is what everyone sees as the greatest strength. With the power to take down a foe single handedly."
"You've done that." She interjected.
She could've sworn she heard a smile on his voice, when he said, "Yes, I have. Now hush. I'm explaining something."
She smiled at his words and the kiss on her head she received.
"Spiritual strength is something my mother has. The ability to still have faith in the Primals through troubles. And the two greatest strengths, are mental and emotional. Do you know why?"
She had a guess, but she enjoyed listening to the rhythm of his deep voice as he talked. She tilted her head slightly and looked up at him, "Why?"
He smiled and she watched as his fingers began playing with her hair. "Because the people who value mental and emotional strength over brute strength, are the ones who move mountains."
She was quiet, staring at the point beside his eyes. In a tremulous voice, she whispered, "I killed people."
His arms encased her more tightly, nearly squeezing her naked flesh against his own, but she only hoped it would distract her from the images that so suddenly assaulted her mind.
"I know, I know." Bastian muttered into her scalp.
"I shouldn't have." She said in a shrill gasp.
He pulled her back, his hand resting on the nape of her neck. Her hands instinctively went to rest on his pectoral muscles.
She met his eyes and swallowed. The amber in them was darker and his tone was firm as he asked, "Did they mean to hurt you?" She saw the burst of anger in his eyes and she didn't know how to sate it.
She nodded, her lips parted to answer, when he said, "Then you are free from guilt."
She shook her head, "But they had family, Bastian. A home, maybe a wife. And I took that all away, I-I-I-I-"
He took her lips without warning and she tensed before she felt her anxieties wash away. After what felt like a long enough period of time, he still had not let go. She closed her eyes and relaxed into him. Her lips parted for him and she began kissing him deeper, her toes stretching and curling.
Her tongue danced with his for what felt like eternity, yet when he broke the kiss, it felt much too short.
She met his turbulent eyes and blinked a few times before her memories caught up with her.
He grabbed her cheek and forced her to look at him, "You can never think too deeply about it. You just can't."
Her heart wrenched at the torture in his eyes. He probably felt worse; he'd taken many more lives than she.
She nodded and rested her forehead on his chest. Her lids began drooping and she decided to accept slumber.
"One of the first lives I took was that of a child."
Her head snapped up and she met his eyes. His voice was so quiet yet she'd heard him. His eyes looked calm, but she could see many emotions swirling behind them.
"It was my very first battle with a group of Mathubans who had violated the treaty and crossed into Waxingville." His voice grew thicker as he spoke and she raised her hand to his shoulder. "The only intel we had was that they had violated the treaty. We arrived there, ready to escort them from Cadarama when one of our soldiers said they'd attacked." She saw a coldness seep into his eyes, "It was all such a blur, but I remember killing him. I just-I hadn't seen him or thought." His eyes looked elsewhere, reliving something far past.
She didn't have the words to comfort him. She leaned forward and placed a kiss between his pecs before snuggling back into him.
She thought their moment was over but he flipped her onto his chest and began kissing her. She didn't move at first, confused by what he was doing. But she quickly fell into the rhythm of the kiss and kissed him back.
He took her aggressively, every touch felt like a mark and every kiss was rough and dangerous.
Before she had time to fully process what he was doing she felt him plant her onto him. Her back arched and she did her best to hold back a moan, only for it to come out a stuttering gasp.
Then he began moving. Every thrust caused a gasp to burst from her. This didn't feel like him. She forced her eyes open and met his for an instant. Dark and angry. But she could sense that his anger wasn't concentrated on her, but on the past.
Her eyes snapped shut when his hand reached up and squeezed her breast, hard.
A loud moan left her lips and she arched back over his knees. She began trying to control the thrusts, but his fingers bit into her thighs and she could only ride them.
She jerked on top of him when her body began to heat and twitch.
"Oh." She moaned as she ground herself on him. He groaned, pleased and loud, but it went unheard by her as she immediately came undone. He followed after her soon enough and she slumped on top of him.
Her face rested on his sweaty chest as she recovered from his abrupt onslaught. What had come over him so suddenly that he would do that?
"Are you alright? I'm sorry if-"
"I'm fine." She said in response to his breathless apology. She cracked a shy smile, "It just… surprised me."
He brought her closer to his face and she felt the feeling of him being rooted inside her disappear. He held her cheeks with both his hands—it was odd being the one on top, she felt different being able to hold herself over him and pin him down. Her mind drifted for a short second before her thoughts returned to Bastian.
"I'll try to warn you next time." He replied with a wry smile.
She returned his smile, "Next time?"
He tilted his head and looked over her face, "Oh, I can assure you there'll be a next time."
Heat bloomed in her cheeks and spread throughout her body—that had experienced more than it was used to that night.
She hummed and sat up on him, her knees resting on either side of his abdomen. "Next time can I…" She bit her lip as she lost the words. "Can I do it?"
She watched, satisfied, as an attractive darkness lit his eyes and his hands crept up her thighs. "By all means."
She smiled and leaned down to kiss him, happy when he responded. It was not as ravaging as his previous kiss had been, but she still enjoyed the slowness of it.
A knock broke the couple's kiss and they waited for an explanation.
"Captain?" Hugh's voice sounded from behind the door, "The crew is topside and waiting for your supervision."
Bastian sighed and his head fell back to the pillows. She smiled, "He'll be out in a minute, Hugh."
"Thank you… ma'am."
She smiled at his hesitation and looked back down at her husband.