I stared at him in a torrent of emotions.
His words sparked something in me that made my eyes sting and my stomach churn.
He was watching me with a confused and also fearful expression. It almost made me chuckle but I didn't.
"There's something we… should…discuss…" Ariston came in, his speech quieted when he noticed the atmosphere of the room.
The Sovereign glanced at him and said, "It can wait."
"Well, it's important. It's critical." He answered.
"It can wait." The Sovereign reiterated, his voice stern but not upset.
I shook my head mentally and stomped to the front door, "We'll talk outside." I said and I heard his footsteps follow me and the door shut behind us.
The air was freezing and my nose immediately felt numb. I pulled my woollen shawl close to me as I glared at him.
He raised one of his dark eyebrows, "What?"
"Why would you say something like that?" I hissed at him, very tempted to slap his muscular upper arm.
He tilted his head at me confused, "I simply stated that none of you seem to be affected by your mother's death."
"And why does it bother you?"
He looked away and sighed. He muttered something under his breath that I didn't catch, then he spoke in a quiet but clear voice, "My mother was and is the only person I've ever had… to look after me. To…" He scratched his neck and looked at the cloudy night sky.
I was blinking at his words. What had he just said? Why was he telling me this? I looked away, my eyes finding our muddy front walk.
"Why would you say that?" I whispered my thoughts aloud.
"Because… because I don't understand how…" He seemed to be struggling to find the words, "How emotionless you can be to your mother. I know she hurt you, and I'm sorry she sold you. But you have to let go of that. She was your mother."
I watched him and my lower lip began to tremble. He looked at me with a confusion and a tinge of fear when a tear escaped my eye.
I inhaled shakily and I looked down, "You didn't know her…" I sniffed and swallowed trying to clear my closing throat, "She lied. She would lie about everything… she'd tell Linden and Row that she'd be home in time to read them a bedtime story and I… I…" I gasped and started to tremble with tears, "I would have to read to them. My siblings would cry all night because mother was out all night. I had to comfort them because she was out being a whore and she didn't have time for her own children!" My voice was shrill and soon I was shrieking with sobs. I couldn't quiet the noises I was making.
I clung to myself and I soon felt his hands on my shoulders. I tried to shove them off but they added warmth and I gave up.
My head was hung and I looked up to see his brown eyes looking at me with sadness and… I couldn't name the other emotions in his eyes. Or I didn't want to. They seemed alien in his eyes.
"You were very brave, and strong." He said and I merely cried more, "It's something to be proud of, your strength. No one I've met could do something like you did." His words seemed unfinished and I merely shook my head. Why was he comforting me?
I yanked my shoulders free from his warm grasp and I shivered, both from tears and from the cold.
I sniffed and breathed slowly to calm my emotional state. Hearing a mew and looking at my feet I saw Michael. I picked up the fluffy, grey tomcat and cuddled him close to my chest, my last few sniffs and gasps muffled by his warm fur.
"You have a cat too?" The Sovereign asked and I nodded.
"Cats. They come and go as they please. But Michael has always liked hugs." I said as I hid my nose beneath the tufts of his grey fur.
I didn't look at the Sovereign but I knew he was watching me. I swallowed and cleared my throat enough to speak with out my voice cracking, "My siblings aren't upset about our mother's death because there isn't a mother to morn." As I said the words my own chest felt heavy from it and another tear leaked from the corner of my eye.
I was sad because I hadn't had a mother, even though she had always been right there, I'd never had a mother or a father.
I started to feel cold and… and… and lonely. I felt so very lonely.
My shoulders shook harder than before and I cursed myself for my never-ending tears. What was wrong with me?
I ignored the Sovereign's attempts to comfort me and I ran inside, my arms still clutching Michael.
I lay on my mother's old bed, I felt weary of holding onto my anger against her. Why was I still angry? She was gone and I would never see her again. But I was still hurt. And angry.
I sobbed till my stomach felt sick and my head throbbed. Rose and Brigitte had come to knock on the door many times but I'd simply ignored them. I needed to be alone. But I still wanted something other than the hate I held in my heart.
My mind eventually drifted to sleep, though my brow remained furrowed and my arms still wrapped around my pillow as though my life depended on it.
My eyes opened and I found myself in a clearing, in a jungle. The moon was shining from an unseen source as I waited tiredly for the Primal to appear.
And when he did, he said many things…