"Want what's best for myself. What does that even mean?" I muttered to myself as I clawed through the underbrush.
My foot sharply dropped and sunk into a cold brook of water.
I let out a groan of frustration as I pulled my foot out of the icy liquid and sat on the edge of the overhang, bending my knees and placing my head in my hands.
'I don't do that. I don't look out only for myself. I look after Brigitte and him. I look out for the horses and my siblings. Or… do I do it all for myself?' My mind was tormented from his words. Were they true?
"Hydrangea…"
I looked up and saw a pair of glowing white feet on the opposite side of the slow, babbling brook.
Ratri-kar.
My head craned back as my eyes scaled up his white and silver robes to meet his solid black orbs.
"What do you want?" I asked resting my head on my knees.
He didn't answer.
I looked back up and saw he was standing in the same place. I stood impatiently and with clenched fists, I asked him, "What do you want? You're always showing up and telling me I'm wrong, telling me to protect the Sovereign. Well, he does not want to be protected. He does not want to change."
"Neither do you."
"What do you mean? I've changed. I've been forced to change."
"There is one part of yourself that you are unwilling to change."
I stepped back, my eyes narrowing, "Why do you do this? Tell me how to apparently be a better person. Why? I thought you wanted the Sovereign to live because he is supposedly important."
"For the Sovereign to live and become who he is supposed to be, he needs a strong voice at his side. A helper."
"Me?" I paused and looked at my feet, "You want me to stand at his side? To be his helper? He does not want one. Can't you see? He does not want help."
"But he will need it." Ratri-kar said, his voice stern and his eyes holding mine.
"What if I don't want to give it to him?" I said stoutly.
"Why do you fight it?" He said frustratedly, "Your Union was sanctioned by the Great Primals. You are destined to be together."
"I can't be with him. Can't you see that? Why would we ever be destined to be together? How could a person like him ever love anyone? He's incapable of it."
Ratri-kar heaved a sigh of exhaustion and shook his head, "No, Hydrangea. Your husband is capable of love, he has simply never had someone to love."
My brows drew together, "And because of that I am supposed to love him?"
"No. You are to learn to forgive him. You see, Hate is a disease that will spread and corrupt your whole being. Do you not see that if you do not let go of this sickness you will never be the same woman that left that ship. Let that hate go. Forgive him."
Then he left. The sound of the forest drifted into my consciousness and I sat down again, my back to a tree. It was cold and my fingers pulled my thin Wanington scarf around my body but to no effect.
Forgive him. How in this green land was I to forgive a man that had taken so much from me?
I closed my eyes and shivered as a soft gust of wind blew past me.
Forgive him. The words echoed in my mind as I drifted into sleep.
My eyes opened lazily to see the Sovereign's room. The couches were the same. The tables and desks were all covered with flower vases, each of them filled with beautiful arrangements of blooms.
The door opened and the Sovereign entered. His face was clean-shaven and he looked very happy. His brown skinned face stretched into a grin and my heart fluttered.
Damn this heart of mine. He is not that handsome.
I looked away and saw a figure lying in the bed.
I gawked, 'What am I seeing? I do not want to be seeing this.'
The Sovereign walked towards the bed, his red and gold robe reflecting the rising sun's rays. Sitting on the edge of the bed he reached out and touched the person's face.
They rolled over and I chilled in shock. It was me. I smiled in the dream and said something that I could not hear. Reaching up my dreamself hugged him.
Why was I happy to see him? Why? Nothing made sense. The vision blurred and my eyes fluttered open to wake in the real world and to see the Sovereign sitting across from me. His eyes staring intently at the brook next to us. His chiseled face was hidden slightly by the beard he'd grown.
The night had ended but its chill still remained. The sky was tinting yellow and blue, the purplish hue of night still residing in the far west.
I looked down as well. My heart beating rapidly from everything that had happened the previous night.
Forgive him. My stomach churned and my palms grew clammy. I looked at the man again. Was he even real, or was this another dream?
His brown eyes moved to mine, and flickered with surprise, "You're up."
I didn't know how to react to his statement and simply nodded, standing as I did. I winced and grabbed the tree behind me. My limbs were dreadfully sore from sleeping in such a cramped position. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and saw him looking at me confused.
"What are you doing?" I asked shoving off of the tree trunk.
"What are you doing?" He asked doubly, removing his hand.
"I'm sore from sleeping that way."
"Mmm." He nodded and I rolled my eyes walking back through the trees.
My eyes watched the forest floor ahead of me attentively but my mind was distracted. That could not be my future. I shivered as I remembered when I'd hugged him so happily. Would I be brainwashed? My mind then returned to what Ratri-kar had told me in person last night; forgive him.
Forgive him. Forgive him?! I glanced back at the Sovereign following behind me and my mind flashed to everything he'd done. He'd taken all of those girls. Tainted each one and was never satisfied. My heart burned in fury. Evil man.
My steps turned to stomps as I found my way back to our camp.
"Your majesty. Are you alright?" Brigitte said, standing from her seated position.
I paused and took a breath, "Yes Brigitte. I am fine."
I blinked, my mind still running amuck with frustrating and terrifying thoughts. Why was I scared? I paused again, my hands moved to cover myself with my scarf.
I am scared to let go of my hatred for him. Why?