TW: Suicidal Thoughts and Homophobia
After running away from my home, I decided to live in a cheap place that my best friends grandmother owned. Before I could even walk outside, a bunch of assholes barged in.
Why did it have to be today for my family to come visit me. I have horrible memories with them, I can't remember the last time I've genuinely enjoyed conversing with them. Once they've peacefully settled in my home, my oldest aunt came close to me as if she was waiting for something. Her eyes looked at me with contempt and anger. Her expression immediately changed when I looked into her eyes directly. She scoffed and left me alone. Her friend whom she invited was even more annoying. She tried to act friendly to me and was acting bitchy: "How come you didn't tell anyone where you were staying! They were worrying sick!"
After all the bullshit they made my best friend and I go through? Why the hell would I care. They really have no shame, but I can't help but not hate them. It's so difficult being like this. It's irritating.
My sister, Kathryn awkwardly greeted me. My two other sisters didn't even bother to attend. Well, I don't mind if they don't. My cousins prepared the food and the rest of them chatted among themselves. I was about to peacefully retreat to my room when one of my male cousins grabbed my shoulder without warning. I flinched.
"Whoa— what's wrong?" He snickered. Trauma still bothering you? He whispered to me.
Disgusting.
"You still in chicks or shit?" He cackled to himself thinking he was hilarious.
I stayed silent, and soon the entire room became dead silent. Two of my other cousins came up to me and tried to corner me, whispering malicious comments about my sexuality and my life.
"Women? She's STILL into women? What the hell…? That's so fucking weird."
Do they still think my sexuality and how I feel is just some sort of thing I can change? Do they really think it's some stupid phase?
"Look at how messy her appearance is, how uncomfortable. Especially on the day her father died too."
"What a disgrace…"
"The only thing she's useful for is…"
Overtime I've tried to get accustomed to their voices and the things they've said to me. But the pain it causes me only gets worse. I don't know why I'm even hanging on anymore. Ive sometimes wondered what it would be like to receive a compliment from the heart just once. Even a single thank you would lift my spirits a tiny bit.
"Why the hell are you just standing there? Say something." He said enjoying himself. "Gay little shit."
"…"
In response he grabbed my wrist. "Your so goddam weak."
I opened my eyes and everyone just starred at me. A few were nervously shaking and conversing with themselves. They really don't care.
I closed my eyes and it seems like the day was over. I vaguely remember anything that day. Was it last week? Or was it last month? I have no idea but seeing as how my entire place was messy, it was yesterday. My school called and I gave them a petty excuse as to why I couldn't attend. I decided to enjoy myself and have fun today. I biked to an almost deserted place with rundown buildings and garbage all over the place. Behind the buildings where beautiful green grass and gigantic tree with red petals.
I've thought to myself over and over about how beautiful and peaceful it would be to be buried in a forest or somewhere peaceful away from human civilization. But I wouldn't mind passing away here. The wind is calm and peaceful, the sun is warm. I could feel myself slowly drifting to sleep.