I imagined heartbreak was lonely, I imagined a boy coming along, a boy so beautiful he took my breath away and boy so beautiful he could break my heart with a simple glance. I never thought the world would give me something so beautiful and painful, I guess the world is full of surprises.
I spent most of my nights lying awake wondering what a world without Luke would be like, then I realized I wouldn't ever want a world without him. He made me feel complete; he filled the missing part of my heart and soul that was left unfilled, the spot reserved for him and him only.
We talked everyday; spending the nights on end laughing about strange quirks we each possess or speaking abut things so complex that it almost scared me. I could've spoken to him for years without ever feeling tired of him. He was simply my best friend but it was human nature to want more, to crave another emotion and get some reaction out of a certain being because their attention was worth more than a thousand diamonds laying by my feet...and what I wanted from him was for him to love me the way I loved him.
For the longest time I denied it all; the crush forming into liking, liking turing into loving and the loving getting strong and stronger with each word he spoke to me.
But would I have to leave him? Or could we spend an eternity by each other's sides, growing old in a small house overlooking the sea where we tossed our memories from when we were younger.
I craved growing old with him, and I craved having him at all. But I knew the pain would come soon. You wouldn't expect to keep something so fragile and beautiful in perfect condition.
[...]
I've heard that drunk drivers are one of the top ways in the entire world to die and I completely believed that but the odds of me getting hit by a drunk driver was completely out of my mind. I couldn't imagine the pain, the suffering, the broken bones and fractured skulls and the heartbreak their loved ones must've felt when they found him on the side of the road at 2 in the morning.
All I knew was, the pain was greater than any broken bone or fractured ribs and I guess that's how I felt when he passed.
He broke so many hearts, too many hearts to even consider let alone count but he broke them in the most beautiful way possible. If I were to experience heartbreak again, he would be the only one I would want to do it.
I guess he didn't technically leave us. He wasn't there but his spirit was. At least that's what I kept telling myself.
But what's a a spirit worth when I could've had him all? Was a life worth getting wasted at a bar? Was it worth it, knowing how many hearts you've broken from the alcohol you've induced?
I asked myself these questions, wondering how someone could be so irresponsible and oblivious. All the questions bought be back to wishing he was still here with me.
[...]
Five months.
Five months of crying myself to sleep and screaming at the stars, wishing that my best friend was still here. I realized wanting him to love me wasn't what I needed, instead I craved his laughter, his stupid little notes he'd pass to me during math class and the books with cracked spines that he gave me and told me to read. I craved his presence, the comfort of knowing that he was only one phone call away if I was ever sad. But he wasn't a phone call away, he was a life away, a dimension away. He was so far out of my reach, I couldn't even guess where he was.
[...]
The nights got worse. My blood stained bed sheets were permanently tinted red and I wanted to believe I cried more than I smiled.
I stopped leaving my room after a while, knowing I'd simply break down whenever I went to out normal hangout spots. I stopped entirely.
And here I was, another night, another breakdown, another fit of screams wishing for him to come back.
I think my family began to ignore my pleas and cries, knowing nothing could ever fix me. I was simply unfixable since he left.
And so I sat on my motionless balcony, counting the stars and the distance between my current position and where Luke could be.
My body was shaking, tears and sobs raking through me but I still managed to stay with my knees tucked up to my chest.
I bit down my lip, blinking away tears as I looked at the North Star. It shined so bright and I began to wonder if people were made into stars when they died, because that would've been Luke.
I sighed loudly, finally muttering a sentence through my croaky voice and sobs threatening to spill out of my mouth.
"And where are you? Where are you to make me feel like I'm worth something?"
But I knew the only answers I would get were from the rustling leaves of trees and the crash of waves on the shore
But it wasn't the same as his voice that could comfort me.